Sailing Solo

Mr Dom had a Tinder date last night with Ms Brazil.
Our current system is to use a shared calendar, and add the date with a nickname. He also asked to add if there was sex or not. For now, I said I am ok with that. He admitted to having jealousy struggles when I saw Kip and he said it helped to stop his mind spiraling out of control with hypotheticals. As he is still in his first 4 months of doing the poly/open thing I am fine with providing requested emotional supports.
He had already given me a little information about Ms Brazil prior to last night, but I suggested last night that information sharing be limited to protect the privacy of other partners. He is leaning towards sharing everything but does understand there is a need to check with people about how much they want shared.
I do feel that my fingers got a little burned with the structure-less and sporadic sharing with Prof. The big difference is Mr Dom and I have got into the rhythm of sharing. At the point, if mistakes are made then we talk before we get upset. So far all the potentially annoying or upsetting things ( bar the late night bump ) have been genuine mistakes.
I do find myself gravitating back towards wanting to share less about other people. It is pretty much based on the fact that I don't want much shared about me. Mr Dom agreed to use my nickname and not share anything identifying such as work place or type. He said he did want to share the shape of our relationship and what new people could expect from him. He is looking for long-term connections and opportunities for Dom/Sub relationships. I think that fair. I have told enough about the sharing with Prof has had it's issues.
Speaking about Prof to Mr Dom is one area in which I have way exceeded what is appropriate to share. I did tell Mr Dom that I needed to pull back on that. He felt I hadn't said anything too negative, but I know Prof shares more about me than I like, so I need to respect what I find comfortable and provide similar.
 
I think it's great that you guys are trying to make sure that you're all respecting everyone's boundaries about sharing, but I'd suggest that if one of you is comfortable with more sharing, then just try and keep the sharing to what each person's preference is. So you might not want much info shared about you, which is fine. But if someone else that Mr. Dom is seeing doesn't mind having more info shared about them, then as long as you don't mind hearing the info, Mr. Dom is welcome to share (obviously if you don't want to hear it that's a different story). You don't really HAVE to apply the same limits on sharing to everyone, as long as each person's individual boundaries are being respected. Though I'll admit, that might get confusing to track as more people are added to the mix.
 
breathemusic said:
I think it's great that you guys are trying to make sure that you're all respecting everyone's boundaries about sharing, but I'd suggest that if one of you is comfortable with more sharing, then just try and keep the sharing to what each person's preference is. So you might not want much info shared about you, which is fine. But if someone else that Mr. Dom is seeing doesn't mind having more info shared about them, then as long as you don't mind hearing the info, Mr. Dom is welcome to share (obviously if you don't want to hear it that's a different story). You don't really HAVE to apply the same limits on sharing to everyone, as long as each person's individual boundaries are being respected. Though I'll admit, that might get confusing to track as more people are added to the mix.
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Hi Breathemusic,
That is pretty much what the therapist said last night in the session with Prof! It is ok not have equal sharing. Mr Dom does love to talk but respected me only wanting small chunks of the Ms Brazil date shared, I did hear the whole story eventually but it was nice to have the option to take it somewhat slowly.
Therapy with Prof was quite eye opening. The therapist commented on how huge our communication gaps are. The two main takeaways for me are he does care even when his behavior does not reflect that, and he has trouble expressing his feelings. I don;t know what his takeaways about me where. We did go back to my house after and have more decent sex. I have really learned to temper my expectations and he seems to better with taking more frequent breaks.
More later...
 
Input from anyone with an opinion or experience, please.
Uncollaring or decollaring in the Dom/Sub world. Does decollaring occur automatically when a boyfriend/girlfriend who are also D/s break up?

The background: Mr Dom says my collaring ceremony was done to stop him moving in on Prof's sub ( me) . If Prof has really wanted it he would have done it at any other time in the preceding 3 years. Breaking up as GF/BF ended the collaring commitment.

I don't think Prof and I are really broken up in the Bf/Gf sense, no keys or clothes have been returned. I respect the ceremony even if it was disappointing and admittedly ( though it hurts ) done more like pissing on fire hydrant. However, technically, I think I am still collared.

Thoughts?
 
While I don't have experience with this, I'm at least involved in that world. As with many things, there's not "right" way to do things. I think that this is a call that you can probably make yourself based on where you feel things stand with Prof. If you're still maintaining a connection to him or want to attempt to salvage some sort of relationship, or even if you just want to remain friends, you might feel like the respectful/polite/friendly thing to do is to tell him that you no longer consider him your Owner/Master/Sir/Whatever and that based on the recent course of events, you consider the collaring void, but that if he'd like to do something more official in the sense of an "uncollaring" then that can be done too.

However, if you think that giving that option is going to cause drama, I think you're well within your rights at this point to just say "I don't consider myself to be collared anymore based on where we're at. I just wanted to make sure you were aware of that."

I would certainly say that any collaring agreements can be considered severed once a couple is broken up. Realistically though, collaring is something that BOTH parties agree to. If something has happened and you no longer wish to be collared, you can end it. If there was mutual respect/care between the parties I could understand a sub going through the formality of asking to be uncollared with the expectation that the Dom would agree... but any Dom only has their power because the sub gives it.
 
I thought that, when Prof told you he considered you collared to him, you told him you hadn't agreed to that and said, "but we didn't have any kind of official agreement or ceremony for that." I recall you saying he laughed and made fun of you, and told you not to believe everything you read on the internet. I don't think you ever mentioned that he officially collared you. When did that happen?

Anyway, I think you can be done with that when you want to be done. An agreement only stands when all parties agree to it. If you no longer agree, there is no agreement.
 
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When did the collaring happen? When I started inquiring of Prof about the D/s status of relationship. When he realised that Mr Dom was on the scene he did a fairly quick collaring ceremony.
I have been talking to Mr Dom quite a lot about it. He feels it that with the Bg/Gf ( prof and I ) relationship being in a separated status that the D/s relationship is also.

I have been looking at the collaring at bit like a marriage agreement. It is on till it is officially off. I have been trying to respect the agreement even though I don't think it was all that genuine.

Mr Dom wants to collar me. I feel it is a bit soon but more later.
 
I like what KC43 said in another thread about D/s relationships:
KC43 said:
. . . being submissive doesn't mean just accepting anything and everything your Dom does and says. Even if you're owned/collared.

. . . Woody is my Dom. There is no question in my mind that I belong to him, and that he has some authority over me. But that is because I've *chosen* to be his. I've *chosen* to give him control and authority, and I can take it back any time I decide it isn't working anymore.
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Isn't it that the sub's needs are the whole reason why there is a Dom? It isn't about making sure the Dom is set up in a ruling position -- it's about nurturing and supporting the sub. And if the relationship changes and the sub no longer *gives* authority to the Dom, the Dom no longer has authority and there is no longer any use for a collar.

Besides, it's really a moot point. Absolutely none of these kinds of D/s agreements can hold up in court, as they wouldn't meet standards of contractual law, so they really are whatever you make them up to be. They're more like a game, really, though I know it's taken seriously.

I think it's dawning on you that Prof is not the person you thought he was nor who you wanted him to be, and he has continually disrespected certain wishes of yours, so why be so afraid to let go of this collaring thing that doesn't mean anything anymore? I wouldn't jump into being collared with Mr. Dom either, if I were you, but I see no reason to continue any allegiance to Prof and his ideas about collaring you.
 
Do you want to continue to be collared by Prof?

If not, then it's just a matter of whether you want to do anything to mark/communicate the end of it more clearly - e.g. letting Prof know you assume it's over, or you've decided it's over, or you seek a more formal decollaring ceremony, or whatever. As others have mentioned above, the 'agreement' only stands with your consent. If you no longer consent to this? Then it's over, and it's your choice about whether or how you draw the line explicitly.

I think the question of whether a D/s relationship continues or is broken when a romantic relationship breaks up is unique to each relationship. I understand that you're looking to the community / subculture for norms about this, but it's really something to negotiate directly with the person / people involved. In my opinion? If you aren't able to talk about expectations around this with Prof directly, then you're lacking the open communication lines that keep D/s relationships healthy. If this were me, I'd be concerned as to why I didn't feel comfortable discussing this with Prof.

This is just my 2 cents without knowing the particulars about the relationships and dynamics involved. I don't mean to accuse or offend. Hope you find your path!
 
I thought the whole thing was a lot more serious and meaningful! Apparently not! I will stop worrying about the whole thing then. I can certainly go along with the "game" aspect and the idea that the sub controls the whole deal. It is oddly quite a relief to find out that I am over...what is the word... committed or honoring or something similar. I was feeling like "my word is my bond," and it wasn't so simple to undo. Thank you for the input, I do appreciate it.

Prof and I are having an extra therapy this week to start the other partner communication dialogue. In some was I am very much looking forward but also fearful. The fear is around me not being able to deal with the truth, handling the difficult emotions. Mr Dom and I took over 2 hours to calendar last night. The depth of communication we have has been built up over many many hours of intense and honest discussion. Prof and I have pretty much side-stepped the big issues for years. I see that I can do the hard work emotional work but it is work. Even last night I stopped talking and resorted to the silent stare. Mr Dom is incredibly patient and handles his own feelings well while also being able to say that he has jealousy and worries about how things will change if Prof really gets back into the picture. He is far more advanced with the communication skills than I am. Plus we have the advantage of building from scratch. There aren't the many years of communication fail and hurt feelings that I have to start working with Prof on.
Very different at this stage but the opportunity for personal growth is appreciable.
 
Prof was a big help last night. Cat #2 need an emergency trip to the vet. Prof left work early work and took over dinner, homework and bedtime with the kids so that I could drive back and forth. The traffic gods were smiling too. Instead of the usual hour during rush time I did the trip in 20 minutes each way. It was big relief not to drag kids in pyjamas around. He said he may need to ask me for some help in the next week with a car and and some medical things. I had already asked him for some help with a dentist trip that will involve sedation. Unfortunately, the date clashed with concert night so I have changed it to a day that Mr Dom can come and stay. He really wanted to do it.
The sex with Prof is fine, nothing great, my shift in expectations has helped. It is a nice supplement.
In a peculiar mood...
 
So much talking and processing and trying not mess up.
Calendars. They suck up my life. I have 4. I will not combine them. I prefer them to be separate, so no chance of the wrong person/people seeing the wrong thing.
Prof and I will be discussing calendaring and relationships tonight. I am kind of sort of dreading it, but kind of sort of looking forward to it. I have been thinking a lot about my fears and why talking to him became so hard that shouting and a melt-down were the go-to option in that moment.
Off to the appointment.
 
Prof and I are still experiencing miscommunication left, right and center. As per usual it is pretty much all my fault for misunderstanding him. :rolleyes: We have dropped back into the same communication pattern. Historically, I would now apologise and accept the blame, open to being wrong. But I am not. I know what he said. Apart from that, things are going fine :D :rolleyes: as long as we stick to sex and general chit chat things are fine.
Mr Dom got his feeling hurt yesterday. I followed the simple protocol for informing each other of dates, even added a step, but he came to the conclusion that the current method doesn't work for him. I got pretty defensive as I thought thatif I followed the protocol he doesn't get to have hurt feelings! We talked our way through that. Feelings can and do get hurt even when all the right paths are followed!
Mostly I feel good about the communication with both of them. I see that I can do it with Mr Dom, I see that Prof and I have a long way to go but we are both willing to try.
I saw the list of rules from Prof and Ms Text days. I thought they might provide a basis for communication. Wow. I was wrong. 2 pages of mind and body control. No wonder Prof and I have ended up the way we have. There is a lot of healing to be done.
 
I keep starting posts and then getting distracted before posting.
Poly life is mostly going well, still on a steep communication learning curve. Mr Dom and I agreed to stop talking too much about my relationship with Prof. I felt I was becoming a squeaky hinge and only the negatives were coming out despite some efforts to speak the positives too. Then Mr Dom sent me part of an email that a future date had sent him and I said he needs to keep them private unless the other party is aware he is sharing them. So we are working on developing boundaries about how much and in what format we share about other people.
 
Scheduling will be the issue of the week.
Prof and I will do some scheduling in therapy. He wants to schedule out until the end of the summer, I do know the dates in which the ex wants the kids but until I wort out the work situation I have no idea if I will have any summer free at all, it is looking like 4th July weekend only. I am mostly in denial about the summer and the cost of daycare or my parents have offered to come and help.
Just wasted 30 minutes trying to print an icloud calendar. The screenshot technique is not working, nor chrome tools, save page as...
 
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Prof has scheduled a Eurotrip with someone else. Punch in the gut at first but then I realised I may not have any time at all. I might be going to one job straight to the next and I had told him that already. We agreed on a trip for any time I do get, so it turned out ok. Mr Dom wants me to go and meet his family, so that would be a trip away for me without Prof. Mr Dom and I have had 2 weekend trips but travel has always been my jealousy trigger. I told Prof I was upset, that I was hurt, he told me he loved me and it didn't change our relationship.
I do feel there was a bit of payback for being unavailable a few weeks ago. He said he was hurt that I wasn't around, hurt that I broke up with him but no connection between them. I did say outright that I suspected that, his denial is very weak.
 
I have a job offer, at last. The stress has been immense. 4 interview visits, presentation to the staff, solving a staffing issue at one of the panel interviews, for real, 4 of the people on the panel needed the support and input of someone who knew what they hell they were doing.
Very busy with kids, work, 2 boyfriends friends, and family. Pretty good.
 
Working with Prof at therapy. I had to go solo this week as he had a meeting, he is going solo next week. I really thought he would say no and refuse, but he says he is really trying and wants me to know he is trying.
I met with him post-therapy this week. He told me Ms WP is moving in with him for a while while she looks for a place to rent. I have no idea if this was planned before during or after the break-up but I came to the conclusion it is none of my business and I have to let my expectations go of him being anything other that a romantic type connection. he keeps saying his is not my Bf, maybe down the line when things have healed but I don't think he ever was committed to the ideas of what a BF means to me.
He dis-invited me and the kids to July 4th, said he never actually invited us and I "assumed it was ok." There was a whole conversation around it possibly not happening due to one of the key players probably working. Prof said that part wasn't true, he just didn't want to hurt me by telling me he didn't want me there. I said that elaborate lie is worse than simply telling me. Time to let it all go. It doesn't matter anymore. we have some things planned that we will go through with, even a long vacation in August. But I have mentally downgraded him to something other than BF. When 2 different therapists, who have both meet him twice or more, tell you that someone simply have the emotional capacity to be other than what they currently are, then it is time to quit hoping things will change.
So now I don't expect anything other than fun activities and acceptably good sex. The sex is good enough now that I have a lot of regular long, hard fucking with Mr Dom and BD play thrown in when we have the time and location to do it.
Sex with Mr Dom is still off-the-charts good. I drove down to see him for 1.5 hours so we could have an afternoon fuck. I got Prof to booty call mid-morning today too, more Mr Dom tonight, tomorrow and Sunday morning, Prof on Sunday night. I am getting a lot of sex. My tv shows on Hulu are timing out and being deleted because I fuck instead of watching tv :)
It turns out that my issues with Prof aren't poly, they are "relationship" issues. We don't really talk about "other people," it is so far down the list of things that need repairing. Prof told me the other night that he is not looking for any kind of "connection or regularity" with anyone else that he is seeing. He said it seems like I am building a connection with "other people." He doesn't like that "other people" are spending time with my kids and I have been asking the therapists on how to bring Mr Dom into our lives while Prof is there. Prof texted me to ask the therapist in this weeks session about "other people " and my kids. The therapists agree I am doing a good job of it, very slow, casual and infrequent. We were going to increase time a little at the 6 month mark, I was contemplating a camping night, but I am good with keeping it the odd hour in the afternoon and drop-in on the way past. He arrives at night after bed-time at leaves in the small hours of the morning. Mostly, I am scared of my ex finding out, not much to do with the kids, they are well-adjusted and happy.
 
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I am swinging back back to the idea of not having 2 BFs, especially as Prof doesn't consider himself to be a BF. I am not comfortable with the idea of the kids seeing different men in mum's bed. There are many reasons why it should be ok, but for me it is not. I will be retreating back into the closet with my new job, it will not be a good idea to be "out" and I am not willing to die on any hills of equality or fight any poly battles. Mr Dom is waving the flag loud and proud and that is good enough.
So...Prof will be away for over 5 weeks and it would seem like the time to start transitioning him out of BF status. I can continue to see him on Weds when the kids are away and on kid-free weekends, but he doesn't need to be attending school events or family outings anymore. We have joint therapy next Weds so that will be the time to broach the subject. I feel terribly disconnected from him. We don't chat text or email anymore. He could be mostly consumed with work. I don't know. I still see him a couple of times a week and this week it will be 3 nights. Data says he is still involved just doesn't feel that way to me on a daily level.
Mr Dom is patiently waiting in the wings. We have just passed the 5 month mark and have agreed to see how his dating works out before we increase his contact time with the kids. Our relationship is going very well, much talking and processing. He has had a few dates recently and is looking towards developing some caring connections, there are 2 early stages women. I am waiting to see how he manages being a hinge. Will he get impactful NRE? Will there be a period of adjustment or a smooth transition? Will these early sstagers get to be regualrs? Questions, questions :)There is no rush to get him more involved with the kids even though part of me wants to go go full-on with it. I look at his relationships with his adult kids and his grandchildren for an indication. It is all very positive.
I am getting lots and lots of fucking. The weekend with Mr Dom was a fuck fest. Prof came round Sunday night and we we fucked in the wee hours of the morning. He couldn't get it up in the evening. All good! It doesn't matter when there are so many fuck sessions over the weekend that having a break was a good thing :) A work colleague asked me why I don't want much tv, I didn't have an answer that was work place appropriate.
Court with the ex tomorrow. Once the current round of stupid is resolved then Mr Dom will book the summer trip tickets. I am getting to meet his family! Eek!
Prof seems kindof sortof still game to do a mid-August trip. He is complaining a little about the heat but if he bows out then Mr Dom wants to do another trip. The man has airmiles and the urge to spend them on me. :D I loooooooove travelling. Means I work to live not live to work.

Edited to add. Jay got in touch. I put out a date in mid-june to meet. best I can do.
I let Kip go again. Offered to be friends but he declined. Surprise!!!!!
 
Very long talk with Prof. I am finally hearing that he is not my boyfriend. That title may or may not be bestowed upon me again in the future. For him; the purpose of therapy is not to rebuild our bf/gf relationship but to learn better communication skills. He feels we have a unique connection and he enjoys spending time with me but he is directing his focus and energy to other things. He feels he put a lot of time and effort into the monogamy attempt only to have me throw it away. He also undid some time we had on the calendar, I feel thaat is total payback for not being available on an upcoming weekend.
I have many emotions around this conversation. I feel let down, disappointed, that the effort is a little futile. I enjoy lots of the stuff we do together. enjoy his sharp intellect. He says we are not broken up but not bf/gf, he doesn't want to label it. time to admit he will never be the BF or relationship that I hope for. Some part remains optimistic in spite of the plain talk. it is very hard for me to let go. But I have been thinking a lot recently about moving him aside. This confirms my feeling that I give him more than he a) asks for b) expects and c) I should give.
Time to let the kids know that Prof is not my bf so much and that after a few months that Mr Dom is.
I am really quite sad.

Jay said no to an overnight in June. No reason given.
 
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