Sailing Solo

Weds with Prof was interesting, we had a bit of talk about dating and partners. He told me a long time ago that lies because he can and does it to see if people ever call him out on it, ego in extremis. He is spinning his monogamous gf lies and half truths, he spins me a number of lies too, I know him well enough to now know when he does and I just don't care. I did tell him he might want to be honest with her and let her make an informed choice. He said she doesn't want to know about his dating life. She sounds like me a couple of years ago, head in the sand and hoping he will change. It has made me look at Mr Lime in a new light.

Mr Lime, Thursday night. I went and did my volunteering at the kid's school for an hour or so and then we had a great time. NRE! Lots of talking, he asks me a lot of questions about me which is very thought provoking. Sex twice and ready to move into some BDSM play. He said he wants to talk to more in detail about pain first. In some ways he is very wild, Army helicopter pilot before moving moving into regular work which requires him to be very detail oriented. It is funny watching him pack his bag so carefully and organized when naked with his long braids down to his very nice round ass. I like being fucked by a man with Predator hair.

He said he was telling his friend about me and has 3 things he notices, very intelligent, funny and driven. I was quite flattered!

Lots of STD talk, we are both going to HIV done as the minimum, as see what else we can finagle through insurance. It is likely to only be a few of the main ones. He wants to fluid bond, not using those exact words. I asked him if he usually is the go-full-steam-ahead with relationships type, as this all very fast for me, he said no, but understands my concerns. I really feel like doing the chocolate covered boyfriend monogamy thing. He told me about his out of state FWB and the he would break up with her on his next trip. I told him I was fine with him not breaking up with her but there would be the expectation that they would use condoms. I told him that I had other people too. It feels like if things go well ( NRE is crazy ) that we might slide into monogamy. But I am in no rush to make any big moves or changes. The monogamy path is one I think I want to walk on occasion and then find that monogamy is really not for me. I have a huge capacity to care.

We met for a bit briefly after work today ( NRE stolen minutes ) and took a walk around the park. He invited me out of state again, I said no, but kind of opened up to it when I was driving home. When do I ever say no to travel. He said he will look at flights.
 
Mr Lime doesn't want to do open relationships or polyamory or any version of non-monogamy. He wants to just date one person.
We had an extensive discussion about him still being married and his FWB and that he has been doing some form of open relationship and/or informed non-monogamy for a period of time, at least a year. He said he doesn't want to do that anymore. He said he and his wife officially called the marriage off in May after 21 years. Very short recovery time.
I didn't ask if he will officially file for divorce, I get the feeling he won't anytime soon, kids, house, taxes etc. I said that I am not asking him for any change in what he does, I am not asking him to stop seeing his, or, as he calls describes it, his FWB, or to stop having conjugal visits with the wife, but says he wants a monogamous relationship.

I am certainly taken aback by this. I just don't know. My conversation with Prof last week was quite the eye-opener, his whole " Ms Cherry doesn't want to know so I don't tell," discussion. Ms Cherry is holding out for Prof to give up his non-monogamous ways and has no idea that I have been in his life for over 5 years. Prof offers what he can with time. I can't do Ms Social Hostess but Ms Cherry has ( I have picked this up over time ) body issues and prefers vanilla sex. Prof has treated me very poorly at times but also, in his own way, been there for me and the kids; I wouldn't be sitting in this house if not for him. He has worked his latest out of the country trip to be back in time for the wedding, we fly out tomorrow. He has paid for everything and I believe him when he says he values my family. Do I cut Prof off because of someone I met 2 months ago?

I simply don't have a consistent view of of what kind of relationship model I want. It changes from hour to hour and day to day. Mostly, I come back to the idea that I don't want an adult male in my house 24/7, that is why solo poly has worked for me. But sometimes I think I want the full-time thing. I did try it with Mr Dom but when he moved into my town it became overwhelming and he moved back down to his original town and then moved a distance away.
A number of years ago there was "Joe" who floated the idea of moving closer to me, I was not into that idea at all. Mr PoD had a meltdown because I wouldn't commit to just him ( although he wanted other partners too ).

Mr Lime wants us to date and see where it goes. The idea of one person scares the crap out of me. You can only care for one person? Only have sex with one person? I am not a fan of the word "love", I think I 'like" and "care" are more my style. I have so much "care" . I don't want to be limited in the number of adult male partners that I can "care" about. I am poly"care"amous. Deep, long lasting care. With a capital C, Care. I don't fall into love or out of love easily, I don't even understand romantic love, but I do really really care.
 
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Lots of good things. The wedding weekend was just wonderful, hanging out with the cousins for the first time in 15 years! We had lots of periods in life where we lived very close to each other and we were more like siblings. Prof got on well with everyone and took great photos. He told me that whole weekend trip would be his treat! Wow! I was very much stressing about how to cover it, I know he would have let me make payments or it would have burned up most of my signing bonus.
Continuing with Prof; Weds night, I was in bed and his cell phone rings, I know he will be up in a minute and I never would answer it. It rings again. So I start to get out of bed to go get him, 2 phone calls late at night = urgent, then the house phone rings. The house phone has an old style answering machine so I got hear the entirety of Ms Cherry's message. " I love you, why won't you answer your phone etc." So when Prof came upstairs I said we need to talk about this and we did. He said he is very clear with her that monogamy is not an option. I said she is crossing the line into demanding girlfriend. He made a few excuses, like she's out of town, lonely, wont be around his birthday... I said we all text before we call, no-one ( and I'm including other partners ) would call on a night that was not theirs for anything less than a real issue and she has just called 3 times on a night that you haven't been free for years. She left a magazine on the table with her name and address, Prof told her not to but she did anyway. ( she maintains that she doesn't want anyone of the other partners to know who she is ). There are other things but she is trying to stake her claim publicly. He asked me what I think he should do and I said I am saying anything about what you should do but are you aware this is escalating into drama? He said is but is trying to ignore it and calm it down. My reply is that I am not willing to have girlfriend bleed-over again. I have done it twice already and a third time is just too much. He is just as responsible as they are because he is the repeating link.
He questioned if I am breaking up with him over it. I reassured him that I am not. He said he really doesn't want that, in fact he wants me to start calendaring again and start setting up weekend time as well as set dates for next summer. I was pretty shocked at this and told him that my calendaring fanaticism used to be something he complained about, he admitted that he had but he he actually missed it since I had stopped doing it and it was important to him to get some time other than Wednesdays secured. He said that things with us are good, he loves me deeply, loves my family and will not throw the relationship away due to other partner drama. He wanted reassurance that I am in it for the long term too. He said he regrets how the other relationships impacted us in the past and pointed out that nearly all our problems ever have been because of the other partners. Umm yes!:rolleyes:
I did point out that I am pretty crap with the socializing thing, like I see "real girlfriends" participate with (like his friends in the city that he does partner dinners and things with ) and he said yes but that I know all his real friends and he is fine with me keeping the socializing to our local town and he can take other partners to that kind of thing. It feels like, and the conversation pointed to, he wants me to be his "real girlfriend" moving forward.
 
Part II

So the calendaring thing. Makes me nervous, as I am a scheduler in recovery, but Mr Lime is also asking for dates. I did connect a non-work electronic calendar to my phone, I have been avoiding doing that.

I had quite a long text chat with Mr Lime over the scheduling and time expectations. I asked him about phone chat, he said pretty much anytime but he may not be able to answer. I said I do a " phone talk?" text before calling so random calls aren't likely. I also said I would like to phone talk every once in a while as the schedules mean we are likely to only see each other once a week and often times less. He is very open to that, not a phone-call-phobe.

We worked out that we will see each other on second Thursdays at his place and he actually wanted full weekends at mine when I don't have the kids but we compromised on the Saturday nights. I am offering Prof a few Friday nights plus I have friends to see and frequently just want to be home.

Last night with Mr Lime was fun if embarrassing. He mixed very strong margaritas and I really wasn't prepared for how strong, so I had a few. And it was one of those moments when the alcohol hits you at one go and bam! I was really drunk at 6pm. We had some great sex. He used his hands and my arms and legs to pin me. Very strong restraint. Luckily, I am keeping up with the yoga so could bend as requested :D We are working up to a full-on BDSM session but it would need to be at my house which won't be for a few weeks.

Lots of NRE. We are text chatting a lot when I am at work. He keeps asking me what I want from a relationship and I am being honest and saying I really don't know, it changes. I want sex, communication, caring love, but not 24/7, I want my free time too. I have no desire for a live-in lover. Maybe that part will change one day.

The embarrassing part of last night was being asleep by 7:30pm. We had plans to go out into town for dinner and a walkabout. I woke up at 2am to pee and we had sex at some time in the middle of the night. but apart from that, I was asleep for around 11 hours. I was disappointed that we didn't get to spend real time together but I was so tired from all the activity of the past 2 weeks that 2 strong margaritas and lots of orgasms and I was out like a light!

Och well. It is likely we will continue to see each other and he was fine about it.
 
Had to do a schedule shift with Prof due to work so we just had a booty call :) on the way out the door he said, " I love you."
That is so uncommon that I had to blog it!
Neither of us are big on the " I love yous." I do go through occasional bouts of trying to say it more but it never lasts long.

We did have the big discussion last week where he thought a lot of his lovers, including Ms Cherry, were very interested in the money. I said I really didn't care and was with him long before he started what he is doing now, if all the money disappeared then he would still have a roof over his head with me. I said I have loved and cared about him for years, a deep love, I accept him for being the git that he can be, he annoys me, we get frustrated with other, but its pretty much a long haul thing at this point. He was very much in agreement and said he hope I know if anything ever happens to me then he will take over everything financial for the boys.

Chit chatting away with Mr Lime while he is away. I texted tonight that I should message less and retain an air of mystery. The big texting trap is one I fall into often. But he said he really enjoys it and the connection is important to him. He is a more " out in the open" emotional person than I am, keeps asking what I want in a relationship. He said tonight that he would like to spend New Year's eve with me. I will have the kids but said we could out for a few hours. I don't think I have made it to midnight at New Years for years!

I am really enjoying him. Very, very smart but with a wild side. He sent me pics from a leather place, the type where you buy pieces of leather. He is going to make me some restraints but his favorite thing to make is collars! He puts jewel studs in them! Sounds very sexy.
 
Friday night with Prof. He denied ever saying Ms Cherry was interested in the money. I didn't argue. He also said don't recycle conversations that we had where alcohol had been consumed, a very fair comment. He was the one that brought up the "state of our relationship" discussion; I had no plan to do so. But he was again being very loved up and said he understood my concerns with Ms Cherry ( I had not mentioned a thing since the other week with the phone calls ) and said he had could summarize our relationship in 5 words or less. ( Very Ernest Hemmingway and the 6 word story he had not heard of that so I explained the story. And for those who do not know " For sale, baby shoes, never worn. " ) His 5 words are " I'm not going to give you up." Not exactly 5 but hey... He was very into explaining his mistakes with Ms White Pickett, I tried to tell him there was no need to rehash. He apologized for putting her and the drama first and said I had been with him the longest, gone through all sorts with him, and he had no intention of giving me up because of other relationship drama. It was very sweet and entirely unexpected. We again agreed that if our relationship ended because we didn't like each other then that was fine but neither of us would go down the path of break ups or not speaking because of outside influences. He apologized for his silent treatment over the cloud storage photo thing and said he over-reacted. He is very into planning next summer and looking ahead.

I am certainly a little taken aback by the recent declarations of love and what feels like commitment. It is certainly very nice, but I do take it with a pinch of salt. He and I have been up and down over the years. He kept saying " I am not going to give you up." It felt very genuine. My 6 words or less was " Long term family." He kept asking me for a statement about our relationship and he again iterated that not matter what happened to our relationship or if anything ever happened to me ( my fear in life ) that he would financially take care of the kids. He would organize what I had and make sure they had whatever they needed, as in college etc. He asked what was " long term family" repeatedly. I said that to be part of my family, and it includes friends, means you never stop caring. It goes beyond here and now to whatever is needed for always. I think he was hoping for some kind of " love" statement. I don't quite function with the term " romantic love" as I have written here many times. I get family love and friends as my family love. Romantic love seems so impermanent ( and this is just to me ). I feel nothing as I do family love, that I get. Family may annoy you and irritate you and drive you nuts, but family will be there when the house burns down and illness strikes, family love is permanent. Family love accepts you as you are, knows your flaws and mostly laughs about them. Family love will give you a kidney and steps in front of a bus. Prof said he paid for the wedding trip not for me, but to be with family, he said he did to be part of the family, my family.

Mr Lime is wonderful. Romantic love? NRE? Loves to talk on the phone and plan for spending time together. It's a little intense and crazy, a little overwhelming. But I am being not me and going with it :D
 
Mr Lime continues to be very enthusiastic. It is a little unusual and over whelming. He wants to have almost every free second on my calendar. He wanted to come down for 2 nights this weekend and I said fine but I need time to go and do some of my stuff alone, maybe meet my friend for lunch. He is coming to spend most of the day with me tomorrow. I took a day off work ( the horror ) to get the kids to annual doctor's appointments, so Mr Lime can hang out till about 3pm. I have some other chores to do too but we should stil be able to spend some time naked. He will be away over Thanksgiving, possibly for another 10 day trip, so I understand trying to jam in the time while we can.

It's me, he is not doing anything that is out of the ordinary. I am trying not to panic at the attention. It is unsettling for me to be the pursued and not the pursuer, it is definitely out of my comfort zone.

Last week Prof booked me on a flight to meet him at a conference for 2 nights mid November. It was one of those " I need to book it now so yes or no," moments. I said yes. I can leave after work so that is fine and be back home before kid pick up.

Prof has also got tickets for a live music event on Wednesday and booked a hotel near my work so I won't be too exhausted on Thursday. He is being very keen at the moment. Not sure what has sparked it all off, but I am enjoying it.

I am thinking long and hard about why I am so skittish about relationships. What am I afraid of losing and what are the benefits. I have a lot of resistance to being told what to do and how to do it. I am very sensitive to criticism and do feel that by opening up my life I open the doors to feeling lacking and inadequate. If you don't know then you can't judge.
 
So Halloween night was good fun, nice dinner, music and hotel with a view with Prof. Mr Lime spent the weekend, I got tickets to an event on Friday, dinner, cocktails, 2 nice walks, a sunrise and sunset, some cooking, lots of sex.

Mr Lime has asked a few times about what I want from relationship with him. He is very clear on what he wants, a monogamous long-term GF. We have actually had number of in-depth conversations on the topic, he is always the one to bring it up. This afternoon was probably the most intense, as I had been unable to answer him about I want. This is something I have been unclear on for years and never seem to stick to my idea for very long either. But i have been putting a lot of though into and trying to move away from the idea of the effort and energy that I usually look for. My usual baseline is someone who will make me a cup of tea and come to the hospital if I break my leg, a low bar indeed.

I have been thinking and trying to do some more feeling about what I want. What I want is to be a priority and not get time and energy leftovers. I want acceptance for who I am, go to be early and not all that sociable in the morning, but hard working and dedicated. I want sex and someone who thinks I am sexy, desires me. I want someone to be all in, either I am independent and do it all myself or I have someone who I trust to do half. I either do solo-poly or have someone willing to commit.

Mr Lime, I do think, has a lot of NRE and enthusiasm very quickly. We are only 9 weeks in to this.

A lot of my reservation is about his marriage and where he is with what I term " disconnecting" from the relationship with his wife. He says he is a lot further along with it than I think he is, but he still hasn't told his "kids" that the marriage is over and they are not really kids but young adults, college and end of high school age. He said he is looking at apartments ( rents are crazy here ) and wants his kids to come down next summer for an extended stay and maybe for me to meet them. Well, that is not going to work if they have no idea their parents are separated and neither is a good idea if they announce a separation and 2 weeks later he introduces his new girlfriend. The kids will need time to grieve the end of the marriage, generally not a quick thing.

He has no idea what divorce will entail. He thinks it will all be amicable and easy. He told me to create a timeline in which I think he should have certain steps completed. I said absolutely no way, it all has to come from him and what he thinks is realistic, and by the way, we have only been seeing each other for 9 weeks!!!!!!!!! Slow down and take a breath!

But all this thinking and talking has resulted in some clarity for me. I am not doing half-assed "relationships" and by that I mean living together, sharing bills and being emotionally there for each other. Either I do my thing or there is real commitment and intent. I am not accepting emotional, time and energy leftovers from anyone if they expect, in return, full-time love and dedication.
 
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Feeling a little beat down. Having managed to repair my washing machine boot, garbage disposal, removed and replaced the toilet by myself ( 2 week project ) the gods have now thrown me a broken shower arm. Having cleaned up the water that sprayed everywhere and reassuring child that these things happen and I am not at all upset, I am out of home repair energy.
Ex is being an ass, court is likely looming. My resilience tank is running low. I at least managed to get packed for the trip out of town and I can leave work at bit early to make the flight.

I talked to my old replacement this week. She plans to quit, says she has no idea how I how managed to do it, and has 120 emails to deal with that night alone.

I got 2 performance evals back today from the new job. Apparently I am "killing it". Nice to hear, though a rather unusual turn of phrase under the circumstances. I took over a meeting earlier in the week as I couldn't deal with the incompetence being thrown out under the guise of a few acronyms. The person was patronizing and insulting. One meeting person tried to get me to speak to my credentials on the issue but I did not, however, I will not take being treated like an idiot under any circumstances.
Fucker, you are failing on every level, pick up your shit. I am done covering your ass. I am a newbie here but you are incompetent. Was the message. ( I don't want to punctuate that rant correctly )
Shit shovelling began the next day.

I don't miss it. I like going home and not dealing with this kind of crap. It was kind of fun to use my brain and knowledge for a short time A bit Gandalf and " You shall not pass!"

However, it makes me want to crawl deeper and further under the radar. I don't want to "kill it", I want to be ignored and left alone but it is starting. "Can you deal with this?" Well, yes, but I don't want to, and you are not paying me to. I am a minion, please only expect minion from me.

The pay cut is currently killing. Even forking out for airport remote parking and Uber for the weekend is budget busting. And I need a new shower head arm.
 
I wrote a long update and walked away before posting so it was all lost. Weekend trip was great.

Holidays. Polyamory and open relationships and time. I am not happy.
Prof just texted that he is out of town and cancelled Wednesday. "Out of town" is 30 minutes away. He is likely with Ms Cherry and might be seeing his own adult children but likely not. Why am I pissed? It is just the kids and me again.

Mr Lime was all agro about me dividing my time, but where is he? Out of town with wife and adult
kids.

You all want me to be independent and not ask for too much time and not ask for birthdays and holidays and other special times of the year?????? Fine. But do not fucking ask me what I am doing otherwise. So do not tell me that you don't want me seeing other people.

I am sooooo sick of being alone for the special days. On one hand I don't care. I can occupy my time very easily, I do not struggle with alone time. I love it and enjoy it. What I cannot stand is the interest in my time when others do not have plans. Either I am alone and I do it all my way or I am not. Alone means I pay my own rent, pay all the bills and have my own holiday traditions with my kids. Men folk say they like my independence, like that I don't ask for much, like that I manage it all by myself. Well, the other side of that is I do what I want and when I want. Don't ask me who I am meeting for dinner ( my old boss ) when you are ferrying your wife to medical appointments. I cannot be independent one minute and answerable the next, unless you are paying me ( work, my job ).
 
I have reconnected with my therapist and will go next week.
I did go away with Mr Lime. It was a lot of fun. I had a weekend trip with Prof with too. Also fun.

Very fed up with being the strong independent one so that th other females get to be weak and drama filled.

I lost my temper with Prof last week. Ms Cherry's stuff was all over his house. I was so angry. After years of his restrictions on even leaving a toothbrush I am informed that Ms Cherry has a drawer and considers herself "primary". But you see, "she needs it, she is having a lot of tough times, she needs extra". Not a direct quote but that was the gist of it.

I was livid. Prof is doing the same thing, it was Ms Text and the pages of rules that they needed to be special to each other, it was Ms White Pickett Fence and her genius skills that were being wasted in Starbucks and now it is Ms Cherry who needs support because of family drama.

I ended up shouting about his need for " drama bitches " in his life. I am not proud of this at all.

Prof said that I am the permanent steady in his life. Great!!!!! /s Let the drama bitches get the priority and I get the leftovers.

I had the same meltdown with Mr Lime. "But the wife needs me, she doesn't work much, we have been separated for 8 years but we haven't filed for divorce because of the house, money, kids. How about you be patient and see where it goes?" Again, not an accurate quote but the gist of it.


What the fundamental base problem with all this is me. I go for the same thing over and over again but expect a different result.

Mr Dom came over with his GF of about a year for tea and chit chat while he picked up the dog. He is moving, again, and will spend 3 nights a week sleeping in his car at work and then go home the the other nights. This is what he did with the GF before me , with me, and now the new GF. The same behavior!!!! At the most basic level he can't live with someone full-time and would rather sleep in trucks, or work supplied accommodation than be with someone 7 nights per week.

The patterns of behavior are so ingrained. The older you get the more impossible it seems to have any meaningful or lasting change.

My ex has filled for an increase in child-support. He wants me to pay him more. I worked my ass off for years, studied for years, and he wants me to subsidize his lazy ass. Court dates are lined up, piles of paperwork to be filled in and filled in. I am so glad I changed jobs before this all started but on paper, I am fucked. We live live in an extremely high cost of living area but the cost of housing is not taken into consideration. Most of my money goes to the mortgage, but the court doesn't care. I earn significantly more than he does because I sell my soul to the commute and medical insurance. I have filed to impute his income. He could work- full time but chooses not to.
I was contemplating moving back to the higher stress but higher income job in 2 years, but there is no chance in hell of that now. The person who took on half of my previous job is going to quit because of the amount of time involved. I work hard, very hard for my kids, but I am not going to put in any more effort till my youngest turns 18 and that is years away. I took the pay-cut knowing I would be counting every penny but figuring it was worth it for my children. And now I have to pay out to equalize the income between lazy ass and me??????? Brutal.

So I am functioning in a state of anger. Anger that I am supporting Prof emotionally so he can support Ms Cherry. Angry I am supporting Mr Lime emotionally so he can support the wife ( he lives in one room in a rented house so all the money can go to wife and kids ) and angry that I am am supporting my ex so he can get away with not working and live with his GF. I am mostly angry with myself for being in the same situation year after year. I don't squeak, so I don't get the oil. And when I do squeak and I get the horrified reaction, " But, but, but you are the strong independent one, I like you because you are not needy." I give out endless support. I am the rock. The always steady. I have created this. I have set this up. Over and over again.

What is my goal? What do I want? It is lost in in my need to make others happy. So, therapy.
 
I have been back in therapy since my last post.

Prof paid for a lawyer to help me with the child support case. I am now paying more than I did, and it is barely manageable, but it was potentially looking at a house selling situation so I will grin and bear it. The child support agency person told me that this is not what the system was meant to do -My ex walked out of work with 2 kids who aren't close to high school age and now is looking for me to fill the financial gap. I still have them majority of the time. It feels fucked up but I get to tell them when they say daddy has no money, that I send him money and they don't need to worry.

This with poly aren't good.

Mr Lime started dating last month and is a full or NRE and shiny sparkles for the new person. Turns out the new lady isn't actually poly but is open to dating while he makes up his mind! Cowgirl!

We have had a number of intense but revealing conversations over the past week and he is going to take a few days to have a think. He is that kind of person, he doesn't rush into decisions and will weigh up the pros and cons. His request to me is that I go mono. He asked for 2 weeks thinking time and I said that is not thinking time, that is breaking up time. He agreed to Weds to talk.

Prof is still Prof, running about like crazy and doing whatever his does that ends up with panties hanging on the back of the bathroom door. I have been with him for over 6 years at this point. Things are mostly pretty stable but he is who is.

I have been doing a lot of therapy work over what I want in a relationship. I was pretty happy with how things were going with both Prof and Mr Lime but now find myself in decision zone. Although, Mr Lime may make the decision for me, which is not a good position to be in, but I absolutely contributed to this mess.

I find the thought of dating to be horrendous. I have no desire whatsoever to go back on the apps. I am weighing up the pros and cons of the 2 people I am with.

They are at the opposite ends of the spectrum. Mr Lime says he has tried this poly/open thing and it is not for him. There is no way Prof will go monogamous.

What do I want? To try and keep looking for that perfect fit? A mostly full-time partner who will let me keep Prof on the side? Or is it time to accept that the relationship with Mr Lime is really a great thing and giving up Prof and his here there and everywhere approach is getting a little old. Therapist says Prof does the best boyfriend thing that he can. He paid for a lawyer and is paying for all of us to take a Euro trip in the summer. But he is not and won't ever be fully focused on me. Mr Lime is totally willing to go all in ( although he may not now ) but can be a little smothering.

Maybe neither of the them are the perfect fit and I should get out of both relationships and start over. That option doesn't feel realistic, throwing all the babies out with the bath water.

So here I am, doing a bit of the waiting game to see if Mr Lime and I can both get over the first year communication humps and be stronger going forward or we just made too many little mistakes that made a big mistake hill.

Apart from that, other things are going fine. I work so much less. I am totally living on a horrendous budget but it is ok, I still am able to live a good life and provide for my kids.
 
Just chatted to my 70 year old, very monogamous, BFF. She basically told me to stop kidding myself that I can do a full-on monogamy thing.
She has met both Mr Lime ( once ) and Prof ( numerous times ). She is wise to point out that although Prof does a lot of his own thing, he always checks back to see if me and kids are doing ok.
She is very right. I got quite stuck in my head with thoughts of how to fix it. The thoughts should really be to exit gracefully and let him find someone who wants to do monogamy.
The rest of the weekend is packed, I am going to a work party, then Prof, then music at the pub. Tomorrow is visiting sick friend, lunch and kids. Prof is taking kid #2 to see the new Godzilla movie. They have been planning this since word of a new movie came out in 2016!
Prof maybe annoying sometimes but he does let me be who I mostly am.
 
Mr Lime kinda sorta broke up with me.
We had a bit of a chat by phone after he sent the "wish you well" text. And I am grateful it was text and not by phone. I definitely prefer a bit of forewarning rather than be side swiped by either a spontaneous phone call or the stress of a planned call.

We talked about about the timing not being right, me not being open to monogamy and his whole divorce ( not even started when we met ) and just a number of things. We both agree that there are the fundamentals of a strong relationship but neither party was in the right space at the right time. He got a bit emotional and ended the phone call but we will talk in the next week or so about having some space and reconnecting for a check in further down the line. Right about the time that the kids go back to school is good for me.

This is actually good for me. I was conflicted about what to do about Prof and the upcoming trip. There was no way I could break up with him right before that. I am really looking forward to it! I also think Mr Lime needs to sort out more of the divorce stuff and spread his wings. Maybe he will keep spreading them, and that is a something to be joyful for. I have been very concerned about being rebound person. I am the first sort of connected relationship he has had since he and his wife admitted the marriage was over. I feel he needs some solid time to grieve that. I don't think he has really done much of the emotional and financial work there.
As for me, I think I might have missed the boat with finding a good person, but I was not in the space to hand over my "being" quite yet.

He was getting quite smothering before he met Ms Cowgirl and I was struggling with it.
 
And the smoking. I really need to give up smoking but all my day or two days smoke free came to naught when I saw Mr Lime as he smokes. I have no will power around nicotine. So now I have no reason not to quit as I won't be seeing him for a couple of months/ever again.
All in all, I think it is for the best to take a break and maybe it will lead into a permanent break. If he does come back then I will give give it a full hearted go.
 
Although my blogging has been very sporadic since I met Mr Lime, I am glad that some of it has been recorded. I just read through the pages of the time since I met Mr Lime and I am good with the decision to take some of kind of break. He was so intense so quickly. I see now why I took it all much slower and watched and waited. There were certainly many reasons for me to do so. He needs to do some post-wife-divorce- living of life. I recently discovered the term " monkey branching". It means not letting go of one relationship before moving onto the next.
Mr Dom did it with me and the girlfriend before me and he did it with me and the next girlfriend. He is lining up to do it with the current girlfriend. He is going to drop her to with his daughter.

I recently learned that a long time - acquaintance/friend - has been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I know too much about pancreatic cancer.
Last night I cried, and let my kids see me cry and I said to them this is what grief looks like. I am so sad that this person we know we know will not be in our lives for much longer. They have known this person for years too.

I think last night I cried for my friend and cried for the person that I am. After all my kids were asleep I snuggled up in bed with #2 kid and slept for a while holding them like I held them when they were a baby.

My kids won't be with me forever. Maybe it is time to think about a full-time romantic love. The person who cares for you and that you care for back again.

I think I sort of missed the boat with Mr Lime. It could have been different but the timing wasn't right. Reading back I see he was sooooo newly out of his marriage when I met him. And I was right to be cautious. In fact, I don't see he was really out of his marriage when I met him. Monkey branching. I think Ms Cowgirl will be good for him. She has met him at a point when the divorce is really happening. She can be the rebound from wife and me.

I also think and feel that I am a better person for not throwing over Prof for the "new shiny" and creating a disaster over the summer plans.

So a few months is good. Maybe I reconnect with Mr Lime and maybe I don't but at least I don't have to be a lying shit over what my summer plans are.

I will be ok with my family and friends. I will be ok because the person I am is capable and able. I will be ok.

Feel free to chime in and commit.
 
My therapist is great. Summarizing below.

She told me to stop trying to be a monogamous full-time relationship person when everything I tell her says I am not. I keep trying to fit my square self into the round hole. Maybe it will happen later, but for as long as she has known me, I pull back every time things get too full-time because I value my independence more I value having a special someone "there" on the rare occurrence that the shit hits the fan and I want a someone to be there.

I cried my eyes out on Monday over my friend with cancer. I wanted a "special someone" to be there, but I phoned a friend who knows that sick friend ( a la the quiz program ) got into bed with #2kid ( who sleeps like a log ) and held them and slept a bit and then went back to my own bed. Apparently this means I have techniques to self soothe.

It doesn't take me very long to return the level where I can cope.

I asked her about dating and asked if that would that be bad thing to do. She said "no" but it does show that I don't have a lot of grieving to do over Mr Lime. Where is the missing his smile, missing the way he does this, missing...missing anything?

She said mostly what I said about him is that he is too smothering and too serious.

He is naturally is really fucking ripped. I will miss openly and fully perving on his naked self. ( he loved it ).

Therapist suggests to let it him go. That I am not ready to be a full-time monogamist. I don't know why I find it so difficult to accept. But 99% of the time I know I am just not able to give it all to one person. I really like different male human beings and their different personalities and quirks. Having just one relationship because that is where life is at is fine. Being restricted to one is a whole different matter!

I don't really want to "date" in the online sense, but give me 10 minutes and I'll be messing around with it! My only single female friend is moving back to town so I will try to get her to go out, I could join a team or something.

Prof is coming over shortly and I will see him for a bit but our regular weekly sleep over will happen tomorrow. He has been pretty available recently.
 
Mr Lime came over a chat yesterday as he was in town. He says he is very confused over what to do. He likes the new GF but sees her a medium term prospect. Apparently, her not-even-filed divorce is all ready contentious and filled with conflict.

I told him I am fine to give him time and space, I am certainly not waiting around for messages or phone calls and have no need to call him up and demand answers and discussion. Either he comes to me "leaning in" or he doesn't. He talked a little about moving closer and building a relationship with more time together but maintaining personal space. I replied that I am open to that.

He is definitely confused by the liking of 2 people and enjoying time with both of him.

We are still chat chatting via text but I am slowing down response time. He asked if we could go out on a date sometime in the week and I said sure. The kids ae heading away for a week so I will have free time. I did tell not to waste my time if he was really leaning towards Ms Cowgirl.

I am pretty pretty cool about the whole thing. I would genuinely like to build a relationship with him. Most of the issues have been with my lack of future of commitment.

I met with Mr Dom yesterday to get the dog for a vacation. He has always been a person who wears his heart on his sleeve, or he was till met me and decided to take a slightly more logical approach to things. He said he has though about OLD while he is apart from his GF ( he travels out of town to work ) but decided it would cut too much into his gym time and cost to much to eat out. I asked about his very practical approach and how this would effect his GF. He says having a GF is easier than actively looking for one. And they get along well enough.

That sounds like quite a good plan. Realistic, if a little detached.

We'll see how to goes.
 
Date night with Mr Lime tomorrow! I am so excited and going all out, well all out on a budget. I haven't had a hair cut in a year, I go to the local student training place and every time they call I call they are booked. Well, tomorrow I am in. I also stacked a bunch of nail salon "stamps", Prof gave me a bunch, and I got a free mani in Mr Lime's favorite color.

It's all rather exciting :D. I can go all out on a challenge in a big-way, and this is a challenge! I may fail, but I will go out with a bang if I do!

My younger ( 14 years old ) cat is showing bad numbers with kidneys. I took her in to the vet 2 days ago as she is very hungry and losing weight, though still doing her usual things. Her kidneys are failing, so I will be giving her some Vit B injections and changing up to the horrendously expensive food. At this point I am on alert for when she stops eating eating and drinking, might be 6 months, might be 2 years. my hear is breaking over this so I am am amping up my various distractions. My older ( 18 years old ) cat is doing ok. She is a bit deaf and I think gets lost at night so I bring her back to bed. I am preparing for losing both of my babies sometime this year. They are costing me bank in vet bills. The older cat has been in twice for emergency visits. I keep telling myself that the next vet visit will be the last but... I got a second job to increase savings and it is all going on the cats! My babies. I will do the best I can until they are unhappy. For now, they are both still doing their normal things so I can't really stop. But I swear, no more mammals as pets. I will stick to the fish and the apparently 18 year commitment of the gecko!

Prof is good, same old Prof. He stayed over with me last night and put up with the cat allergies. To be honest, I have heard him snore a lot more in his own "hypoallergiencially clean" house. I told him that this morning. He said he sneezed a bit last night but it wasn't too bad. It is rare that he sleeps through the whole night, even in his house he is up at all hours working, but last night he slept through. I am his human Ambien. I was done before 11pm and he went to sleep too. ( I think ).

I really don't want to have to choose between them. I have been going over this a lot in therapy. What do I want and who am I? The answer is to let them choose, and for me to just be who I am.

It's hard a solution finding personality ( me ) to not try to make things work. After 6 years with Prog, I think I mostly get who is his. I think I mostly get who I am, though I am too flexible and willing to change so as to make things work. I like having multiple sex and caring adoring love partners, but I also like being visible in the background. I am visible to Prof's current BF and Mr Lime has told his estranged wife and network of friends who I am, but... who do you spend the big holidays with and who holds you up with when the hardships of life are moving to overwhelm you? It doesn't look like I can have them both. A few folks on here seem to have found the balance but I seem to come up against the wall fairy regularly. Is it Prof with his time and emotionally limitedness, but he allows me all the freedom I need, or I do try to fit into the Disney image of happiness ever after, which I know is fantasy , but provides some kind of potential stability.

Therapy is awesome. With the right provider. These are the questions I work though with an independent POV.
 
Mr Lime cancelled date night due to work. I didn't see him until yesterday when he was supposed to come down for the night. He got a speeding ticket on the way and then disappeared for a couple of hours to think. When he did turn up he said he wanted to see how things go with Ms Cowgirl. And was very confused about what to do. So it is still kind of up in the air. Ms Cowgirl is not only still married but living with her ex. We live in a very HCOL area so I think she is in for tough time ahead. But I wish them luck. Two not-yet-divorced people planning for the future together! He then went home again and asked me to give him time to see how things pan out. I am fine with that. I am not sitting around and waiting though as it is not likely to work out.

I decided to go back online and see who is out there. A bit of chatting but no meets planned yet.
 
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