Sailing Solo

mexico road

Well. where to begin on today.
Short version because I am still in shock.
I called Mr Dom sometime when I was out and about, we had a fun chat. I had a think about things and called him back and said either block me or talk to me because I am not doing passive anymore. so the messages started and some short phone calls. We didn't get into relationships.
So backing up...
Yesterday I was checking messages on Facebook. I rarely bother with it but I had posted some pics recently. I see a message from a name I think I recognize in friend request/messages. I am so FB illiterate it is not funny. The message is from Ms Bar tender. Hereafter Ms Bar. She used to work down one of the dive bars that Prof frequents and I enjoyed talking to her too, encouraged her to sign up for classes and make a major cross country move. Anyway, she is a friend of Ms White Pickett. Remember her who was moved across country by Prof as the only person who could possibly do this certain job in his start-up business this summer. and needed to live in his house as a room mate at the same time? She, who wanted him to get a vasectomy reversal and happily ever after? He said she was crazy and had nutso break downs Well, she had asked Ms Bar to try and get in contact with me in July. The message was from July. Yup, I really don't do FB much.
Anyway, after a day and half of trying to connect through FB messages, not working texts etc, Ms Bar and I end up on the phone. This may not be a to any of you, but I have been gas-lighted big time and I mean BIG and I mean to an absolutely awful depth. All the imagined slights and manipulations were not imagined. Ms Barr said it is no secret around the bar circuit that he uses the house to manipulate me into staying with him.
There is tons of it but I will only write a little at this time. Ms White Pickett was promised monogamy, she moved into the house as his lover. It lasted a few weeks until she got a full taste of Prof's...how shall we describe them...proclivities... and other the lovers/sex partners. It is backed up multiple other women. There were words used in the conversation. I think I got off lightly, all things considered. Ms WP will talk to me later in the week. She says she is stunned that I will talk to her and believe her.
I called Mr Dom. He is being a rock. He told me to change the locks and clickers, text the therapist for some help and cancel Thanksgiving with Prof. I plan to tell Prof that I want to start a mono relationship and need to move on. Ms Bar and Mr Dom are predicting fall out. I am hoping he will think it is Atlantis being a hormonal nut and he will back and off and either wait for me to go crawling back or will dump me himself.
What a mess. and yes, lots of therapy. I plan on lots of therapy.
 
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I was gaslight by my ex. In our case, he used it to cover up his own memory lapses due to addiction. He even had our kids participating. I honestly thought I was losing my sanity. Solo therapy is definitely a good idea.

The only caveat I'd give is be careful trusting these two, too....if Ms. White Picket has a vendetta against Prof, she may be trying to use you as a pawn against him. I've seen that happen before, too.

That said, I do think there seem to be too many issues with Prof. You're probably best breaking ties with him. Can you move??
 
taxi syon

I don't know what will happen with the house, hopefully nothing as I make the payments and he is getting regular income from it.
I dropped off his stuff this morning. There were some things I needed gone from my house. He was surprised at what I took back, basically everything that was here. I made up some believable stuff about wanting monogamy and to be a real girlfriend and anxiety. I said I didn't want to meet his son tonight as the "friend". He took his stuff basically replied with "whatever" and went inside. It was all about a 5 sentence exchange.
I have no doubts that the women are telling the truth, there are far too many details for it not to be. If it had been Ms WP alone then there would have been room for doubt but with Ms Bar supporting with a similar story from someone else and what I know about my situation...
it's all true.
Mr Dom was a rock throughout. I was on the phone with him from about 7 pm to 2:30 am. He was driving so we could talk. He said he had been trying to tell me about most of it for a long time but it was wrapped in the jealousy meltdowns and I wouldn't listen. True.
I got the locks changed. I hope it will be a long while before Prof gets close to working that one out.
 
I wish you strength Atlantis, so that you're not even tempted to look back...
 
Happy Thanksgiving Day to all that celebrate today.
There is not a snowball's chance of it. I haven't written most of what I was told. How do I really, really know? I paid $135 to have the locks rekeyed. It may not seem like a lot of money to most but it cleaned out my liquid cash for the rest of the month. I think when he finds out that I have changed the locks then I am well on the way to losing the house. It was a huge step, with all kinds of potential repercussions built in. It is not something I will undo. The therapist thinks he is not going to let go easily and agrees letting him believe that it is over his unwillingness to go monogamous. The timing has worked out perfectly. He will not connect the dots.
I had a good therapy session last night. I am going to be working on why I ended up with 2 men the same, virtually back to back. A lot of working on self-esteem. Outside of relationships I have strong direction, motivation, and am highly goal orientated. In side of relationship I pretzel myself ( NYCIndie's term ) to make a man happy. Admitting the problem is step one.
I was doing Facetime with Mr Dom last night while he was with family and he introduced me to his granddaughter as his girlfriend. But if it doesn't work out with him then that is alright too. Having some single time will be fine.
I am not at all sad about losing Prof but very glad that I get to move on with the cover off my eyes.
 
Wow. Just... wow. You rent the house from him, correct? I don't see why changing the locks should be a problem. Has he always insisting on being able to come and go as he pleases? You have a right to privacy even as a tenant. If I were you, I would look into your local laws/ordinances about tenant rights, just so you are prepared if he confronts you about it. It might be a while before he realizes it, anyway, especially if he'll be traveling.

If any of your kids contact Prof independently of you, you may want to tell them not to anymore. And have him blocked on their phones, perhaps?

Keep us posted on how your convo with Ms. WP goes.
 
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Not rent. He loaned me the money to buy it, so he is technically my bank and he can either call in the mortgage or sell the mortgage. I can't refinance for 3 years. I am actually not too stressed about what he does because I can't change the outcome; either he lets me stay here or he doesn't. I will bank my tax refund for the possibility of needing the deposit for an apartment.
I am going to play it " emotional breakdown" and hope he leaves me alone, if I confront him in anyway then I risk rocking the house-boat.
The kids don't have phones, so that is not an issue. I won't block him on mine as he needs to think I am broken hearted and didn't just kick his ass to the curb. Ms WP hasn't contacted me yet.
Mr Dom and I have agreed to go mono for a 3 month minimum trial, and see where we are at the end of February. I haven't done monogamy by design in almost 6 years, a few periods with Prof only, but mostly there were other people on the mix too. I am a little nervous but ready to make some changes.
 
Hmmm, Atlantis, when you first went into this financial arrangement with him, did you discuss what would happen if you broke up? Is there any clause in your agreement that addresses keeping the loan separate from your romantic involvement?

You two have broken up before... why do you worry about his reaction in relation to the house this time more than any other?
 
I checked the loan docs and I am good. He can sell the note if needs the money but I am fairly sure he can't call it in until I am eligible to re-fi. Phew.
It got a bit tense yesterday with him playing some mind-game texts but I have avoided him coming over to my house and me having to see him. Looks like there is no need for him to try out the key and clicker. I think I did it.
 
Atlantis said:
I checked the loan docs and I am good. He can sell the note if needs the money but I am fairly sure he can't call it in until I am eligible to re-fi. Phew.
Click to expand...
Okay, so he's a lender, technically, not your landlord then. So, I would say you have every right to change every single lock on doors and windows and even put a fence with locked gate around your yard if you want. But please look into your state and local laws on that so you are informed.


Atlantis said:
It got a bit tense yesterday with him playing some mind-game texts . . .
Click to expand...
Can't you just ignore his texts? You don't have to answer him when he texts, or at least not right away. Let him stew a few days. Most people in my life know I don't answer texts right away, and oftentimes I get back to them 3 or 4 days later. Let him know that is your new normal. Or tell him you are too stressed with work right now to deal with arguments so to stop texting you. Or can you tell him you don't want any contact at all for a specific period? (except for your payments on the loan - I'm assuming you pay back the loan to him directly?)
 
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I pay the loan via direct deposit. I will need to send money for the phone bill. I will do a postal order or similar as he takes forever to cash checks.

It has gone completely quiet since the weekend. No communication whatsoever. I got back my stuff on Weds night, he wasn't there which was quite the relief.

I got some gossipy tidbits from the cleaner. I called her to give her the option of dropping me as a client as I was worried about the key issue. She said she no intention of every working for Prof again as the last time she was there he was creepy and gross; that is the short version.

So now I am doing monogamy! My last record was barely 3 days. :D 3 days of monogamy in the past 5 years. I have a boyfriend! Day 1 of monogamy has gone fine. :D:D:D Mr Dom drove his RV up and we hung out in it after work while I waited to get the kids. I can't say the last time I was allowed to hang out in Prof's house to wait for the kids. December last year maybe?
It feels like a big change but I am looking forward to it plus Mr Dom said he has no intention of living in a house anytime soon. I said that makes me feel good, no expections of full-time living together.
 
Is he still dating Ms Red?
 
I accidentally sent Mr Dom a screen shot of my reply! I was taking a pic of the animals on the sofa with me.
While my reply wasn't something awful, it was basic; something along the lines of, "They were together for 6 weeks, so not a huge investment of time." However, he told me he was sad about it. I told him I never asked him to break up with her. He said she was the first person he had meet and liked since doing the open/poly. I said I didn't want to hear it.
I don't want to feel responsible for either of them being upset or sad. It was not a good beginning to monogamy. But I don't see how to do monogamy without breaking up some relationship or other. Prof had a good way to manage it. He would tell me he was too stressed to see me and too overloaded with work to see me for whatever period of time, then tell another woman he would do monogamy with them while I was on hold. Genius! Had me fooled.
 
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Things are going very well.
Mr Dom has headed off for the holidays, my BFF has gone with her family, so it will be mainly me and the kids finding things to do around here over the holidays. I am taking some time off work. I need to get some things done on my class project before the end of the year.

I have heard from Prof twice, first contact I ignored, the most recent contact was about Xmas gifts. I find it a bit strange that he would bother with gifts, but after giving the situation some thought I told him he could drop them off with Roomie. I absolutely have no interest in seeing him. I have no idea why he would try to maintain contact, and I put very little time into trying to guess why he would.

My life of monogamy is going well, a whole 3 weeks into it. :D It is not even the monogamy that is outside my zone, it is the whole relationship construct. One partner who actually behaves as I imagined a partner too. I am enjoying my turn at how I imagine coupledom to be.

I continue to attend therapy which I enjoy and find value in.

Mr Dom and I have scheduled out some weekends, trips and activities, until April. He may or may not come to Euroland with me in the summer. I am not rushing that. I do quite fancy a side trip to see the Pyramids so we may do that, maybe Russia. Have to see where the budget stretches. Mr Dom says he has no particular preference on where to go, he says he simply likes to see me enjoy myself. I took him to see the Terracotta Warriors and giant lady leg sundial during the summer, among of host of other historic and hilarious activities, and yes we got naked at the sundial :) google it. :D
I like variety in my travels :)

One of the best benefits of mono life is I get to read more and do less laundry.
 
I bought myself a new duvet cover set from ebay for Xmas!

I asked Mr Dom why Prof wont disappear. He said because I am his favorite toy, the toy that takes the endless crap and goes back for more. There was nothing Prof could do that I couldn't rationalize away as being my fault.

It is quite the accurate summation.
 
Prof texted about having Xmas gifts for me and the boys. I said thank-you and asked him to leave them with Roomie, which he did. He also texted about wanting to meet and talk as he has many questions, in the presence of the therapist if I wanted. I avoided answering that question. He told Roomie that I had dropped off his stuff with no explanation at all as to why. That is not true, I said I didn't want to be his "not girlfriend" any longer. Roomie said Prof really tried to dig out some details out of him but he played innocent and said he rarely sees me. Roomie considers my avoidance strategy to be a sound strategy and to blame the end of the relationship on myself to be a good idea. He said Prof absolutely has the vengeful side and letting him know what I know is probably not a good idea. Prof told him that he is single and plans to be single for a long time. Yup. The never ending "single" and "doesn't want a girlfriend."
I am still hopeful he will let me fade away and only have random texts about financial issues.
 
I am looking forward to seeing Mr Dom when he returns at the end of the week. He is planning some BD play and we are going to try a whole day of domination and submission. I am interested to give it a full-on session of 24 hours. I know I can stop it at anytime if I really want to but 24 hours would be a dip of the toe into some different water. :D Mr Dom says he wants to get me a "collar" for public and day wear, like a necklace or chain or some description. I am not in rush to be collared again. I understand that my first collaring was more of Prof trying to demonstrate control to Mr Dom than any real desire for connection, but I have lost much of the interest that I once had in the whole idea. Maybe with a bit of time ...

All in all I am feeling good about the end of poly/open for me for the time being. Monogamy removes a number of my concerns, the biggest one being my perception of how the kids related to it. I do wonder what sex with one person will be like, it has been quite few years of non-monogamy and I did enjoy the variety. But sex with Mr Dom has not lost any of its luster and I imagine it will be a while yet before we run out of things to try.
 
A few financial texts with Prof and I don't respond to anything that is vaguely personally.

I am working hard in therapy on my relationship constructs, why I build them as I do and how to break the pattern. Mr Dom will probably attend with me next week as he is my outlier/anomaly and hopefully the breaking of the pattern. Even if things end with him tomorrow, I will be have been glad to experience some sparkly rainbow chocolate covered romance. :D

I am also trying to find the positives in my relationship with Prof. I live in the house he helped me buy and all the gifts he gave me that make my life easier and a little nicer, the washer, drier, fridge, garden rocks, trips etc. The lies and cheating are a reflection of how he does relationships. I am not responsible for what he does and how he treats other people. I am responsible for how I let people treat me and to allow caring folks to help me see when I am being taken advantage of.

I have no real plans for tonight. I haven't bothered much with NYE for a while. Mr Dom will be back sometime after 10pm. I will wait at his ( I have a key ) and we will see how long we can both stay awake till.

I wish everyone a Happy New Year!
 
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