Same-Sex Couple Dipping Our Toes in Poly

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XJskyboy

Member
Hey all,

So I'm new to this forum.

For background. we're a same-sex couple in Texas (48 and 35). Been together for 16 years. My husband is poly and I've known that from the beginning, but he just finally admitted it to himself after attending some poly sessions at a LGBTQ conference. We've had threesomes and even allowed each other to play one-on-one from time to time. However, he said one of the guys we've been hanging out with recently had really peaked his interest and he's interested in actually dating him, which would be a first for us.

I said I was totally open to the idea, but that communication would need to be crystal clear and that the responsibility was on him to make that happen and that there would likely be trial and error since we're new to this.

I have no desire to date other guys (the occasional hookup is cool, but I don't want another emotional relationship. So if he has a boyfriend, it's his boyfriend, not a throuple situation.

Just curious if anyone has any advice for someone in my position before things get started. As I mentioned, I'm totally open to the concept, but am of course, nervous.

Thanks all!

-Liam
 
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
The first thing that I'd think about if I were you given the information you've already given is about bringing partners home and being out to family and friends. Have you thought about that?
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Thanks for the reply. That's a very good point. I'm not particularly opposed to him bringing a guy home after a date. Just use the guest room so I can sleep in my normal bed. As for telling family and friends, I think I'd let him take the lead on that since he's the one who's poly. I will let him come out as he's comfortable. I don't think it will come as a shock to friends. I do think both of our families would struggle with the concept.
 
There are many differences between having casual sex and falling in love and wanting to date someone more seriously.

I know it's been common in the gay male community (probably for centuries) for two committed partners to have an agreement that it's fine to play with, have sex with, do kink with, other guys. But it's far less common for men to have more than one serious partner. I believe the concept of actual polyamory is growing in gay male circles, just as it is in other queer spaces, and hetero spaces, as well. Many people struggle with sharing deep emotional bonds with more than one, while sharing casual sex seems more understandable.

We all know that a casual sexual relationship can change to one with deeper feelings. In fact, many of us have started with friends with benefits/hookups or casual sex and gone on to realize a true deep bond has formed.

There are many ways to approach this. One way is to look at the relationship escalator with both the current and newer partner, and discuss where everyone is, or wants to be, on it. In case you aren't familiar:

bottom floor to top:

Meet online or in person
Talking
Attraction
Kissing
Dating
"Fooling around" (fondling, oral sex)
Penetrative sex
Increasing length and frequency of dates
Spending the night
Dates lasting an entire weekend
Vacations together
Meeting each other's siblings and parents
Birthday and holiday celebrations-- together? With families?
Moving in together
Getting a pet
Pooling your finances
Making major purchases together
Marriage
Having kids
Retirement plans

That about covers it.

In the case of polyamory, there is no need to feel pressure to live together. Especially if you're already partnered, the first partner may not want to share the living space with a newer partner. But it's an option and some Vs do decide to all live together.
 
Magdlyn said:
There are many differences between having casual sex and falling in love and wanting to date someone more seriously.

I know it's been common in the gay male community (probably for centuries) for two committed partners to have an agreement that it's fine to play with, have sex with, do kink with, other guys. But it's far less common for men to have more than one serious partner. I believe the concept of actual polyamory is growing in gay male circles, just as it is in other queer spaces, and hetero spaces, as well. Many people struggle with sharing deep emotional bonds with more than one, while sharing casual sex seems more understandable.

We all know that a casual sexual relationship can change to one with deeper feelings. In fact, many of us have started with friends with benefits/hookups or casual sex and gone on to realize a true deep bond has formed.

There are many ways to approach this. One way is to look at the relationship escalator with both the current and newer partner, and discuss where everyone is, or wants to be, on it. In case you aren't familiar:

bottom floor to top:

Meet online or in person
Talking
Attraction
Kissing
Dating
"Fooling around" (fondling, oral sex)
Penetrative sex
Increasing length and frequency of dates
Spending the night
Dates lasting an entire weekend
Vacations together
Meeting each other's siblings and parents
Birthday and holiday celebrations-- together? With families?
Moving in together
Getting a pet
Pooling your finances
Making major purchases together
Marriage
Having kids
Retirement plans

That about covers it.

In the case of polyamory, there is no need to feel pressure to live together. Especially if you're already partnered, the first partner may not want to share the living space with a newer partner. But it's an option and some Vs do decide to all live together.
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Thank you so much for such a thoughtful response! :) It would definitely be a V arrangement as I'm personally not interested (at least at the moment) in an emotional relationship with anyone else (but as mentioned earlier, I'm open to the concept for him). You gave me a lot to think about. He's got a date with the guy planned for next week (just dinner together for now). So we'll see how it all goes. Thanks!
 
Hello Liam,

It kind of sounds like the two of you are thinking about forming a mono/poly relationship, where you are the mono and he is the poly. Many mono/poly relationships have succeeded, but it takes a lot of communication and compromise. I suggest moving ahead in your own situation, but take it slow, give yourself time to figure out how to get used to the new arrangement.

I can't tell whether you can count on your husband to make sure the communication is crystal clear. I assume he has agreed to do so. But, we've had cases in the past on this forum, where one partner was apparently unable to do what they said they'd do. So, moderate your expectations, and operate as if he weren't keeping his word. Anyway those are some thoughts.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hello Liam,

It kind of sounds like the two of you are thinking about forming a mono/poly relationship, where you are the mono and he is the poly. Many mono/poly relationships have succeeded, but it takes a lot of communication and compromise. I suggest moving ahead in your own situation, but take it slow, give yourself time to figure out how to get used to the new arrangement.

I can't tell whether you can count on your husband to make sure the communication is crystal clear. I assume he has agreed to do so. But, we've had cases in the past on this forum, where one partner was apparently unable to do what they said they'd do. So, moderate your expectations, and operate as if he weren't keeping his word. Anyway those are some thoughts.

Regards,
Kevin T.
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Thank you, Kevin! I’ve read the term mono-poly and kind of felt like it applies to us. Thank you for the great advice. Though he has agreed to communicate fully and step it up in that area, I do think it will be the one challenge as he seems to struggle with being comfortable communicating. However, he’s going to have to. We’ll see how things go. I think we can make it work.
 
XJskyboy said:
Though he has agreed to communicate fully and step it up in that area, I do think it will be the one challenge as he seems to struggle with being comfortable communicating. However, he’s going to have to. We’ll see how things go. I think we can make it work.
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It's too bad he struggles to communicate well, because open, honest, self-insightful, and able to properly communicate with your partners is the Number One necessity in polyamory. Of course, many/most men are raised to not be in touch with their feelings, and do struggle to identify them and express them. I hope he's willing to try, or there will be hurt feelings, confusion, fear of loss/jealousy, etc., cropping up.
 
Magdlyn said:
It's too bad he struggles to communicate well, because open and honest and self-insightful communication is the Number One necessity in polyamory. Of course, many/most men are raised to not be in touch with their feelings and struggle to identify them and express them. I hope he's willing to try, or there will be hurt feelings, confusion, fear of loss/jealousy, etc., cropping up.
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Yeah, and where my family tended to over-communicate, in his family the expectation was to bury anything emotional and not talk about it. I still think we can make it work, but I may have to pry communication out of him. lol. We've talked at length about communication and the expectations. He has agreed to all. Hopefully he surprises me :)
 
XJskyboy said:
Yeah, and where my family tended to over-communicate, in his family the expectation was to bury anything emotional and not talk about it. I still think we can make it work, but I may have to pry communication out of him. lol. We've talked at length about communication and the expectations. He has agreed to all. Hopefully he surprises me :)
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Sometimes it can take therapy to break an ingrained habit like that. Opening up instead of burying things can feel very scary and make a person feel weak. I hope he can work on that, but if it's too much, keep counseling in your back pocket.
 
Magdlyn said:
Sometimes it can take therapy to break an ingrained habit like that. Opening up instead of burying things can feel very scary and make a person feel weak. I hope he can work on that, but if it's too much, keep counseling in your back pocket.
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Makes sense. Thanks for the advice! He has a bachelors in psychology so he is very open to therapy. We may have to turn down that road. Guess we’ll see!
 
It sounds like you're making progress, a little at a time. That's the best way to do it, in my opinion. So you can make sure you do every little part of it right.
 
kdt26417 said:
It sounds like you're making progress, a little at a time. That's the best way to do it, in my opinion. So you can make sure you do every little part of it right.
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Yeah, I’m both anxious and excited. I’m anxious because of some of the past dishonesty but I am optimistic that he means it when he says he’ll put in 110% effort. I think as long as we take it slow and communicate, this could be a positive for our relationship. And the community on this site has dramatically reduced my anxiety. Thanks everyone! :)
 
XJskyboy said:
Makes sense. Thanks for the advice! He has a bachelors in psychology so he is very open to therapy. We may have to turn down that road. Guess we’ll see!
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It's ironic that he grew up burying his emotions (and still does) but has a Bachelor's Degree in Psychology, don't you think?
 
Magdlyn said:
It's ironic that he grew up burying his emotions (and still does) but has a Bachelor's Degree in Psychology, don't you think?
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Haha yeah, I do. He's getting better, but it's a process. He's been very open and honest about this particular guy that he wants to date, so we're getting there. But, if things go south, we'll definitely bring in a professional to help. I guess we'll just have to see how Tuesday goes and see from there.

He's actually stepped up our own sex life since he told me about things and has seemed to communicate better. Only annoying thing (and only annoying to me, probably perfectly logical to him) is that he seems to have some guilt about him dating someone else and me not. I'm like, I work a lot, I have hobbies, and emotional relationships are a ton of work. I don't necessarily want a second one. I love him and he's enough for me emotionally, but I'm totally ok with him having a bf and me not. But he keeps bringing up repeatedly that if he dates someone else, I should too (I'm bisexual, so he thinks I should find a female partner). I'm like, things may change down the road, but at the moment, I'm ok with an occasional casual sexual encounter, but not interested in a full-fledged relationship. I think he'll get it over time.
 
XJskyboy said:
Haha yeah, I do. He's getting better, but it's a process. He's been very open and honest about this particular guy that he wants to date, so we're getting there. But, if things go south, we'll definitely bring in a professional to help. I guess we'll just have to see how Tuesday goes and see from there.
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Sounds good.
XJskyboy said:
He's actually stepped up our own sex life since he told me about things and has seemed to communicate better.
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That's encouraging. Was your sex life slipping unsatisfactorily before? I mean, after 16 years...
XJskyboy said:
Only annoying thing (and only annoying to me, probably perfectly logical to him) is that he seems to have some guilt about him dating someone else and me not. I'm like, I work a lot, I have hobbies, and emotional relationships are a ton of work. I don't necessarily want a second one. I love him and he's enough for me emotionally, but I'm totally ok with him having a bf and me not. But he keeps bringing up repeatedly that if he dates someone else, I should too (I'm bisexual, so he thinks I should find a female partner). I'm like, things may change down the road, but at the moment, I'm ok with an occasional casual sexual encounter, but not interested in a full-fledged relationship. I think he'll get it over time.
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Yeah, I think it's hard for some people new to poly to understand that poly doesn't mean everything has to be "balanced" in the couple, all down the line. It's not easy to find someone to love! Even if you had time for or interest in starting to date from a poly mindset right now, it could take YEARS to find someone truly compatible.

I'd recommend that you both read the book Opening Up. It's great (just a tad bit outdated regarding race and gender issues, since it's from 2008). It really covers all the basics of all kinds of open relationships. You'll especially want to look at how one transitions from swinging or casual sex to more committed open r'ships.

 
Magdlyn said:
Sounds good.

That's encouraging. Was your sex life slipping unsatisfactorily before? I mean, after 16 years...

Yeah, I think it's hard for some people new to poly to understand that poly doesn't mean everything has to be "balanced" in the couple, all down the line. It's not easy to find someone to love! Even if you had time for or interest in starting to date from a poly mindset right now, it could take YEARS to find someone truly compatible.

I'd recommend that you both read the book Opening Up. It's great (just a tad bit outdated regarding race and gender issues, since it's from 2008). It really covers all the basics of all kinds of open relationships. You'll especially want to look at how one transitions from swinging or casual sex to more committed open r'ships.

Click to expand...
Thanks for that! Two copies will be arriving via Amazon tomorrow :)

And yeah, unfortunately, after we moved from Indiana to Texas 4 years ago, our sex life became somewhere between pathetic and non-existent. He just never was interested anymore. So, the renewed effort is encouraging.

Again, appreciate all the advice!
 
So, to update, the Tuesday date went well overall. I didn’t overreact and they seemed to have a good time. However at the end of the day, the other guy kind of decided that being in a relationship with someone who is in a relationship with someone else just isn’t for him. No drama or anything. Just he and the hubby aren’t pursuing anything more than friends and possibly the occasional play date. Thank you all for the informative feedback.
 
Hi Liam,

Thanks for that update. Glad to hear the Tuesday date went well, sorry it didn't work out with the other guy. Not everyone we date will be a keeper. Anyway, I hope you and your husband continue to have good luck with poly, it sounds promising.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
XJskyboy said:
So, to update, the Tuesday date went well overall. I didn’t overreact and they seemed to have a good time. However at the end of the day, the other guy kind of decided that being in a relationship with someone who is in a relationship with someone else just isn’t for him. No drama or anything. Just he and the hubby aren’t pursuing anything more than friends and possibly the occasional play date. Thank you all for the informative feedback.
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Good job getting his feet wet. I guess he'll be remaining open to the idea of polyamory, though. Now is the prime time for both of you to read Opening Up. Other good (and newer) books are Designer Relationships and Polysecure. (I haven't read them but have heard good things.) Some people like the podcast Multiamory too.

If your partner is very disappointed, I hope he can get perspective that it can years to find a second "Mr Right." I have had to learn a lot of patience. And I've taken months-long or even years-long breaks in actively seeking a second partner when I've gotten too jaded from been burnt too many times.
 
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