Saribees Start

Saribee

Saribee

New member
So my life completely changed a year and a half ago. In walks a beautiful blonde blue eyed goddess (well in my eyes anyway). We soon became friends, then good friends, then close friends and all of a sudden more than friends. Which is where the story would end had've I not been in a committed relationship with my boyfriend of 8 years.

Growing up I was always bicurious and then for some of my teen/all adult life I have been bisexual. I've had brief sexual encounters with a handful of women before but none that affected me in the way (Shall we call her T?) has affected me.

I think we will call my boyfriend B. So B is super understanding, caring and amazing. He is monogamous but not completely closed off to polyamory, if that makes sense??? He has always been supportive of who I am and how I live.

So anyway where was I, ah yes.. A year and a half ago she walks in the room and immediately I thought "wow wow stunning but sad" she had a sad gleam in her eyes so I went over and started talking to her. We left there and left each other that day and for a week I couldn't get her out of my head. Her eyes were so piercing and her voice was so alluring (corny I know). The next week we met up again at the same place (our kids attended the same kids morning) and talked and talked. I felt like I'd known her my whole life she was just so comfy to be around. We exchanged numbers and kept meeting up weekly at this kids thing without much other communication. It came for break up time due to school holidays so there was to be two weeks where I wouldn't see her as she was going away to visit her friends.

To be continued again when I get another moment to myself. Right now I have to head off - 2 year old child and all that :)
 
So continuing where i left off

So two weeks felt like an eternity not seeing T, thankfully there was texting involved. I couldn't get her off my mind and really just wanted to see her as soon as I could. At this point I had no idea whether or not she was in to women, or even in to me. I myself wasn't even aware of polyamory.

So T gets back after two weeks and we resume our weekly meets. I then decide to ask her I'd she would want to come over with the kids one weekend and stay the night as we have a spare bedroom which she replied yes to so that weekend kids and her came over and we all had a blast. Next weekend same thing, weekend after same thing.

I end up starting to really really fall for her and have a huge conversation with B who reassured me that he was all good with T and enjoyed her company too so that was great.

I can't remember exactly how we started dating I think it just kinda fell into place. After we started dating it was pretty much every weekend we spent together (I believe the term is NRE?) She would stay at our house with the kids in the spare room. We would go to markets etc altogether and just enjoy our time together emensly. None of us were ever open however about mine and Ts relationship however. As I come from a religious background with religious grandparents who are still around that I am very close too and wouldn't want to put them into that position.

For 6months or so it was going fantastically then all the questions from family members started "why are you spending so much time there?", " why are you seeing her and the kids so much?" Which at this point I said to my family members "because we get along so well, the kids all love hanging out and T gets to hopefully have good adult company"
T on the other hand decided to tell her parents because she thought they'd understand being two Mums and having been through judgment themselves. Unfortunately they did not understand and decided I needed to be talked to by them as did she on how we were being wrong and that T would need constant care and looking after (due to having borderline personality disorder) and apparently I wasn't the person for that because I had B. They said I'd have to make my mind up whether I wanted to be with B or T. I better point out ages at this stage I'm 27, I was 25 going on 26 when I first met T. B is 32 and T is 29. So as you can imagine it was weird having been sat down and talked to like i was in the wrong for enjoying my life and living it.

This is where councillers are then brought in. T already had hers for Dbt so she was already in therapy. I however wasn't and she was a really nice lady. The only problem was I was beginning to feel that the way I live(d) was completely wrong. That I should be focusing on B and working on me being monogamous. A few weeks later T breaks up with me which wasn't a surprise because it was hard for her having the pressures herself put on. Our councillers came from the same place so they ended up having a convo about T and I and decided it wasn't healthy... Even though everything we did towards each other was to do with love, our kids always came first and we were pretty much like a normal family bar the fact that there were three adults :) which I personally thought was fine due to the way we all treated each other and the kids. Councillers on the other hand didn't and so I began to feel this too that it wasn't right. As did T. After we broke up B and I worked at this couples ttherapy which actually bettered our relationship in the end but I still knew that for me personally I didn't feel whole with out a third person at this point in time T to be more exact.
 
Minus one

T and I went without talking for a few weeks and we were both in avoidance mode I think which at the time was working. However we had to see each other at something and my heart just broke all over again. So we endedup talking etc and decided on friendship not just for our sakes but the kids as well - they didn't like not seeing each other or hanging out. We did pretty good as friends for about a month, then ended up back in a relationship together this time opting for being completely completely honest with all feelings especially when it came to being unsure or pressured by anyone - we both googled "multiple relationships" and ended up finding polyamory and decided we were doing the right thing by us. We had a year of amazing things and then just a few weeks ago.. Her parents started doing the same thing asking questions deciding our friendship wasn't healthy and deciding that pretty much we shouldn't be as close as we were. At this point T was starting to feel the pressure but was also starting to feel guilt. Guilt about lying to her parents about her and I and our family we wanted as a V or a Triad if it ever came to that, guilt about not being able to about to the world how much she loved me and loved our family, and guilt about hidding. So once again after a yr she decided that it was time to call it quits with us as it was just too much. So now we are friends and instead of avoiding this time we still talk openly and honestly.

Only problem I'm having now is every time I see her my heart says "fight for her" "don't fight for her don't pressure her just live your life"

So I'm now on to my new chapter which is hopefully to one day be able to say to my mother "I'm polyamorous and this is our family" (if we ever get another girlfriend etc or if by miracle T decides that she can live with us as a family/girlfriend etc)
 
T

Saw T yesterday for my daughters end of year Christmas party. It was the first time we had seen each other since breaking up. I was to be honest expecting it to be really awkward but it ended up being really lovely and nice. I still miss her and us a lot. Miss the kids and miss planning our future etc together. Miss everything but am getting there.
 
Hi Saribee,

That's sad that T couldn't handle the pressure from her parents, it sounds like you all had a lovely V going together, and I wish you could continue that. Thanks for sharing your story, I hope polyamory brings you increasingly good things as the years go by.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thanks Kdt. We did have a great V going. We were all open and honest with each other which was very new to me as none of my partners I'd had in the past were. T still struggles with her feelings for me but in the end lying to her parents and not being supported by them at all for our relationship was making her miserable and that's the last thing I want her to be. Coming up to Christmas I am missing her and the kids like crazy though!
 
Aww, that sucks. Such a shame that mainstream folks aren't a little more accepting of polyamory.
 
Working Working Working

So lately I've been working working working... I feel like I haven't had much time with the family at all. First day off will be Christmas day and then back to work boxing day till the 8th Jan so far.. Not enjoying being away from my daughter at all! So we've planned a holiday for the end of Jan, a camping one! I cannot wait totally looking forward to the down time and family fun :D heading away with our family friends who have a 1 year old so will be fantastic to chill out altogether with the kids.
 
Sounds like a fun vacay. Hang in there with all those work days in the meantime!
 
Thanks kdt! Feeling so very drowned in work atm. I'm usually a person who has more of a family time than work time so am feeling very overwhelmed and down about the work time coming over the family time. Especially because my daughter (who is 2) is not coping at all with it very well.

So far I'm just concentrating on holiday time and then I'll look at my hours and how I can add a bit more family time in there :D
 
what to do...

So I left off by being drowned in work and struggling with those feelings of trying to get home and work life balance. Recently I've been struggling with both those things and B has not been at all happy with how many hours they've been expecting me to work especially with a 2 year old. However I've recently decided to take Tues and wed off (Christmas eve) as I found out my grandad on my dads side died. I'm not overly close to my dad's side due to a long story involving bad upbringing and abuse etc - another story maybe down the track. But since hearing from him I've been suffering from really bad anxiety so I called work and said that my grandad on my dads side died and that I can't make it in - I went to explain about because of anxiety but I got told that 5people didn't come in that day so I really should be going in regardless of grief I'm feeling.. Then got told 'will maybe look at roster bye' and hung up on so that was that.

The problem I'm facing now is I'm feeling really guilty about not going in and letting my work down. However at the same time I am only supposed to be a casual at this job and said I'm the beginning I could only work Wed, Fri and Sat and they got me working Mon - Sun. No breaks. I am enjoying my time with my daughter as I haven't seen her in what feels like ages (she's always in bed when I come home (around 730 -830pm) and straight to daycare when I leave in the morning) I would be enjoying time home with her a lot more if I wasn't feeling so very guilty.

Has anyone else had these issues before? And if so what are some tips on what I can do? I've already spoken to work about my hours they've given me and they said they're under staffed hence I have no days off. When I started it was great I had days off to spend with my daughter but now its changed and looks to stay that way even into the non busy period.

I'm just feeling so confused and a bit down. Down because I am now feeling guilty at letting work down to spend time with my family and also see my therapist about my anxiety atm as well and to get my head back into a good space for when I do go back boxing day working till the 15th Jan no days off.
 
I'm really thankful I have this place to come though and vent and to be who I am. So thanks for that :)
 
Well look, it's quite simple. Your employer isn't treating you right. "Boo-hoo, we're understaffed." And the point is? There's this little thing called hiring more people. In this economy people are dying to get work (especially full-time work). If they're understaffed then they alone are to blame for it.

At the very least I'd start looking for a new job. Shoot even if your present employer fires you (and why would they when they're understaffed?), there's a grace period where you can collect unemployment. Which would give you time to look for a new job.

What does your therapist have to say about how your employer is acting?

I think lots of employers are looking for part-time people, which would mean you getting the Wed/Fri/Sat schedule you wanted in the first place.

I feel bad for the situation you're in and hope you can find your way out of it. It's totally shitty that they're guilt-tripping you. That's abusive behavior on their part.

With sympathy,
Kevin T.
 
I totally agree with Kevin. I've had jobs and bosses like that before and it's not healthy whatsoever. There's no reason you should have to feel guilty at all! I'm also interested to know if your therapist has said anything about it. Hope you're able to get out of that yucky situation!
 
Thank you for the advice :)

Thank you so much Kevin and TurquoiseMouse, your advice and insight means a lot to me :) it had been nice to just have today to really sort things in my head in regards to my job. My therapist said that the way they are treating me is a form of bullying in the sense that if I stand up for myself on hours etc or need bereavement leave I am made to feel bad and wrong about it. She has said its not a healthy job at all for me to be in if I am feeling these negative feelings.

Now I've had a chance to sort through my thoughts on my job I've decided I am going to leave in mid January and find a more suitable job for me and my family. I really am thankful for both of your ideas and opinions and insights into previous jobs you've had issues with so thanks heaps as for that. Its brightened my day to have great advice :D

Wishing you both a very Merry Christmas

Saribee X
 
My best wishes go with you; I know it's always really hard to find a new job, though I do believe in this case it's worth it. Please keep us posted on how things are going.
 
onwards and upwards

Sorry I haven't replied earlier. I've been swamped with work lately. I finally had a meeting with my boss (she was always too busy but I said it was important so she saw me). I said I was unhappy with the amount of hours I have for work and she has agreed that after the 8th I will be rostered on for less. Thank goodness i have my fingers crossed that it actually happens. I so got time off for a holiday end of January so am so happy for that! Ive also applied for a new job elsewhere. Bring on family time, a new year, a new love(s) and happiness!

Still missing T very much - the hardest part is we are friends. Every time I see her or bump into her somewhere my heart just fills with love still. I have never remained friends with an ex girlfriend before so am not really sure how to deal with the feelings of still loving her to be honest.

Anyway hope you are all enjoying your days, evenings, or nights :)

Love Saribee X
 
Sorry you're still missing what you had with T ... not because it wasn't a good thing, but because T isn't really able to push against her parents' edicts. She is still very much their child, not even an independent adult in that way.

I hope things will continue to improve on the work front.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thank you Kevin :)

I am just trying to stay as positive as I can on all fronts. Onwards and upwards! :-D
 
I would hang in there and see what happens. sooner or later T will be bold and stand up to her parents, if she thinks you are worth it.

And its fantastic how supportive B has been!
 
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