Search for stories about transitioning to friendship

[1234567]

I’d love to hear some tales about transitioning to a friendship with a partner, especially if the motivation was to manage the meta’s feelings, not an actually break-up worthy problem in the couple.

The one time I did this, it was a disaster, but I would like to see if others have navigated this successfully, or if it is a universally bad idea.

 

[sunray]

I once transitioned a relationship successfully, but the circumstances were different from yours.

Once upon a time, about nine years ago, my girlfriend MightyCupcake came to me to have a serious conversation. She and I had been in a romantic relationship for about three years at this point. We were living together (along with my husband, MonkeyMan, and his best friend, Em). We hadn’t had sex in awhile, and I had recently gotten pregnant.

MightyCupcake was incredibly dear to me. In a time of chaos and change, she had been my calm oasis. Her strength and self-sufficiency were my model, as I ended a loving but codependent thirteen year partnership. She was my game changer.

So when she came to me, and admitted that she would be happier ending the sexual side of our relationship permanently, it was sad, and difficult. I struggled with my feelings for weeks. But her friendship was the most important thing to me, and I was willing to work hard to preserve it.

We made it through that transition. Since then we’ve stopped living together. She has gotten engaged to Dynamo (a great guy whose company I very much enjoy). And many, though not all, of the romantic overtones of our relationship have faded away with time. But we still live across town from each other. We make time to hang out every week. And I consider her my best friend.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi 1234567,

I think transitioning to a friendship can be done successfully, if a basic trust and respect can be maintained. If the motivation was to manage the meta's feelings, then maybe the trust and respect will be undermined. It really depends on how you feel about that motivation. Anyway those are my thoughts on it.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Refusnik]

I’d love to hear some tales about transitioning to a friendship with a partner, especially if the motivation was to manage the meta’s feelings, not an actually break-up worthy problem in the couple.

The one time I did this, it was a disaster, but I would like to see if others have navigated this successfully, or if it is a universally bad idea.

There's two ways I've done it. The first was sort of specific to the relationship- I had children with my first wife and when we split, we were determined to have a supportive friendship so we could still effectively co-parent which made it a lot easier to work through whatever hiccups we went through along the way.

The other way that has been successful for me is having no contact for at least 90 days but more if either person needs more time. It gives both people a chance to redraw their boundaries and separate a little (or a lot.) As hard as it was at first, I came to see why it worked- during that time I'd process the end of the relationship, do things I enjoy, and do the work of moving on from the transition.

 

[BathedInSalt]

I was in a long standing relationship with SoulSister that was sexual and then for periods it wasn't. The last 3 years haven't been sexual.
In my experience us having sex became no longer good for our friendship or for her relationship with her then husband. We weren't willing to end our relationship over this. So we stopped being physically intimate. It wasn't a deal breaker or seen as incompatible. This also came at a time where she was seeking sobriety and that helped a lot. It was practically impossible to have any impulse control with one another if we were the least bit tipsy.
I have a relationship with BlueEyes that isn't straight friendship, but isn't sexual either. What has worked for me with both of the parters I've mentioned is recognizing other ways in which they show me their love. I rely heavily on physical affection to convey my love and that's how I hear love from others, but there are so many other ways in which they both show me they love me. Way more ways than sexual affection.

In seeking friendship I would provide space to my former romantic partner and create boundaries for a time (like hanging out sober) and also look for other actions that convey love and affection.

I hope this helps.