Second is having a baby with his first

J

Jadebutterfly

New member
Hello all well im new to the poly lifestyle so excuse me in advance for not being well educated or confused about my situation. I am dating someone who is my second and im his second. We have been together on and off for two years now. We ended it before because he was having a baby with his girlfriend and needed to focus on that. I gave him space and about a year’s time to get through the pregnancy and have time ti bond with his baby. Fast forward to now our situation has changed and we both have decided to leave the first relationships and come together. We were on that path and things were going okay, but now he has dropped a bomb on me that she is pregnant again. I am upset because he didnt take proper precautions but also happy for another baby, he has mentioned not wanting to have the baby and it’s because he wants to be together, but I don’t agree. Its hurtful either way but idk what i should do i told him since we have always kept the relationships with them separate from us that I have nothing to do with the situation because I am just a second right now, I just do not want a babys life on me and I don’t know if i should stick with him anymore we already had a break with one baby and a new baby comes new challenges.
 
Only you really know in your heart what you want to do. This is far too complex and unique for internet strangers to be able to give really give deep insight into.

*Permission Slip* <<< this is for you to do what's really in your heart.
 
Evie said:
Only you really know in your heart what you want to do. This is far too complex and unique for internet strangers to be able to give really give deep insight into.

*Permission Slip* <<< this is for you to do what's really in your heart.
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I agree with you on that but I am just not sure how to go about this. Nobody in my life knows im poly so I don’t have anyone who may possibly understand my points of view on this subject. Thank you for your input I appreciate you
 
Jadebutterfly said:
I agree with you on that but I am just not sure how to go about this.
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What do you want to go about?

Also, disregarding the initial poly nature of the relationship, this scenario is as old as the hills. I know two guys who got babies out of their respective relationships that were supposed to be ending, because they went back for one last hurrah. They both stayed in their first relationship for a while longer, but left eventually. One met someone else, the the other remains single. So, you were starting to date someone who was separated and expecting to divorce, but he had one for the road and...whoops.

Personally, I wouldn't date someone with a baby on the way because I know he should be damn well involved in parenting and wouldn't have time for a second relationship - but you knew this the first time around which is why you stepped back for a year. I'd take this as a sign to walk away. If you're supposed to be together, well...I knew a lady who fell in love with a man while he was married. He fell in love with her, too. But he didn't divorce his wife, and polyamory was not an option, so they walked away. She met someone else and had another marriage until she was widowed. And then, 30 years or so after they fell in love, and only respectfully long after he also became a widower, they re-met. They've been married for at least 20 years now and they're about 90.
 
Evie said:
What do you want to go about?

Also, disregarding the initial poly nature of the relationship, this scenario is as old as the hills. I know two guys who got babies out of their respective relationships that were supposed to be ending, because they went back for one last hurrah. They both stayed in their first relationship for a while longer, but left eventually. One met someone else, the the other remains single. So, you were starting to date someone who was separated and expecting to divorce, but he had one for the road and...whoops.

Personally, I wouldn't date someone with a baby on the way because I know he should be damn well involved in parenting and wouldn't have time for a second relationship - but you knew this the first time around which is why you stepped back for a year. I'd take this as a sign to walk away. If you're supposed to be together, well...I knew a lady who fell in love with a man while he was married. He fell in love with her, too. But he didn't divorce his wife, and polyamory was not an option, so they walked away. She met someone else and had another marriage until she was widowed. And then, 30 years or so after they fell in love, and only respectfully long after he also became a widower, they re-met. They've been married for at least 20 years now and they're about 90.
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Thank you for sharing yes I think im gonna leave this whole situation behind me. Its too complicated and my kids are all grown up now. Thank you for the advice though I appreciate it so much.
 
Hello Jadebutterfly,

A baby is a huge commitment, and most would-be polyamorists have to put poly on the back burner while they tend to their newborn. And now here this man will be responsible for two babies. That is like a double whammy, I am doubtful that he'll have any time leftover for his relationship with you. You could take another year off, like you did with the first baby, but how many more babies are there going to be? and also, you and he had decided to leave the first relationships and come together. He isn't exactly keeping his word. I am inclined to say break up with him. But do what is in your heart.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
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