Secondary messes, roller coaster ride

S

sealace

New member
I have a primary who lives in another state. I have been (openly) seeing other people, both monoamorous and polyamorous, for the last few months.

There are four people I've seen somewhat regularly since summer, though in the last couple of months they've all faltered for one reason or another. Being that I am in a new (to me) large city, this has caused me to feel unstable and sad.

Here are the dilemmas/problems with each. Your feedback/support is welcome!

1. Married poly man-- amazing chemistry, lots of fun together. Problem: I fell madly in love with him. But regardless of my feelings and the amazing connection we have, and the great times together, when we are apart, the messages I get from him are detached and non-emotional. I find it frustrating and strange that he can be so warm and close when we're together and then just totally detach when we're not. Men, can you give me some insights here? Or women, for that matter? The last straw for me was over the holidays when I only got two measly messages from him, both sort of generic. I'm not good at that type of relationship! So I wrote him a letter saying as much, and he responded by saying I should trust my instincts if it's still not working for me after we had a big talk a month ago, and that maybe we can at least be friends. So sad and frustrated with this.

2. Mono single girl. Sweet as can be. Ultimately, I can't make her happy, because she wants to be exclusive, but we've become close friends. But she's saying she thinks it would be too hard to hang out and not be physical, too. I really don't want to lose her friendship, though. I've come to like her so much, though not "in love."

3. Boy with primary girlfriend. His gf dumped me for a host of reasons. I never met her, a strange "first." Then she changed her mind and supposedly we can hang out again. Kinda funny.

So, please send your thoughts/comments on one and two. It's tough to be away from my partner, get close to people, but then have things get screwed up and end, or threaten to end. Bottom line-frustrated that man #1 seems so much less invested in our relationship than I have been, even as friends (though he says he wants to be one). #2 Really sad at the thought of losing this new close girlfriend. Ugh. Poly is tough.

Thanks for listening.
 
1. I see a poly married guy once a week more or less. Our time together is great, fun and pretty awesome, overall. I feel like, for the most part, I have his full attention when we are together. The only time we really talk between dates is an email if there's a question about where/what time our next date is. He usually replies via email on his phone, so his messages are generally short. Even when I send a novel of an email, his replies are short. When I am not in a good mood, I can feel hurt, because I read indifference or other crap into it. When I reread them in a better mood, I realize he's just responding briefly and succinctly. Just because I like to talk and ramble doesn't mean he has to. He is just how he is and it isn't personal. Over time, I have gotten used to it, stopped "expecting" or wishing for more, and started enjoying what actually is.

Because you say #1 is focused on you when you are together, you might imagine when he's elsewhere, with his wife or other partners, he is focusing on them that way, too. Just imagine if when he was with you he was busy responding to emails, or on the phone to chat with other people.

So, my "ideal" relationships include lots of chatting, frequent hellos, random texts, or what not, that aren't always initiated by me. But I have found it very rewarding to learn to enjoy relationships that aren't dependent on that. I think it helps me deal with actual life better. Also, when I keep this mindset, it is easy for me to be aware that this relationship IS ideal, because it brings me a lot of joy and the opportunity to grow out of my comfort zone. I used to ask for more frequent communication, but it did not happen, and trying to force it wouldn't be any good for anybody.

If you think you can't be happy with #1 , I'd say to ask yourself if it's because of healthy reasons, or perhaps a dysfunctional relationship with your ego, where you will go through life unhappy if people aren't how you want them to be. It turns out that there is always some way people won't be like you want them to be. I'm pretty sure it works in reverse, too.

My plug of the day goes to "If the Buddha Dated: A Handbook for Finding Love on a Spiritual Path" by Charlotte Kasl. It is my go-to book when I get into the negative mindset that keeps me from enjoying what is, and wishing for what isn't. It alleviates any frustration that other people are just different than I am.

However, if you just decide you require a more communicative partner, I'd say work on discussing that upfront and not letting a relationship get too far unless they are providing you with the frequency of communication you desire. Remember that just because somebody doesn't want to talk as much as you do does not mean they are not as invested. Frank talks about what is happening between you two would be more useful in determining that.

On a side note, re: #2, I would probably end the romantic aspect now, because I prefer staving off heartbreak, if possible. Especially if it seems like you both know what you want, it is a bit cruel to torture yourselves.
 
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If you want my piece of advice, I think your main problem is that you're in a new city being lonely and sad. That's why you put so much meaning into #1's texts, etc. I would advise you to focus on yourself, keep busy, start new hobbies, get to know the new city and have fun. Don't put so much pressure on your relationships. Let them develop in their own time.

If you are happy and comfortable in your own skin, your relationships will thrive, too.

I'm currently struggling with same kind of issues, so I've started a regular meditation routine. Even that kind of little effort helps!

Good luck.
 
sealace said:
3. Boy with primary girlfriend. His gf dumped me for a host of reasons. I never met her, a strange "first." Then she changed her mind and supposedly we can hang out again. Kinda funny.
Click to expand...

How can you break up with someone without having ever met them? You mean she broke off all online communication? Have you hung out with the boy? Do you still do? I'm confused. :unsure:
 
sealace said:
1. Married poly man, amazing chemistry, lots of fun together. Problem: I fell madly in love with him. But regardless of my feelings and the amazing connection we have, and the great times together, when we are apart, the messages I get from him are detached and non-emotional. I find it frustrating and strange that he can be so warm and close when we're together and then just totally detach when we're not. Can you give me some insights here? The last straw for me was over the holidays, when I only got two measly messages from him, both sort of generic. I'm not good at that type of relationship! So I wrote him a letter saying as much, and he responded by saying I should trust my instincts, if it's still not working for me after we had a big talk a month ago. Maybe we could at least be friends. So sad and frustrated with this.
Click to expand...

I am coming out of a vee relationship; it's been 2 1/2 months. I am still very emotionally close to the male (sex is out of the picture indefinitely; possibly forever) and working on rebuilding a relationship with the female. They are working on their marriage, which proved to be not as solid as they'd believed.

Anyway, as to this married guy, his personality (an INTJ) is such that whatever he is doing at the moment garners his full attention. Since I am also an INTJ, and he gets intellectual stimulation from me that he does not get from his wife, I readily admit that I do have his attention even when we are not physically together. That said, despite the fact that emotionally, I could probably be considered primary or co-primary, there are times when he's just not available to me. The thing is that when I do have his attention, he is there 100%, not anywhere else, very focused.

So, I'm wondering if what you're describing with your married poly man could fall under something like this. It's just his personality type. Totally into you when he's with you, and totally into whatever has attention when he's not. While this type may not fulfill all the needs you have, I suspect his behavior is no reflection on how much he values you.
 
Does the married poly man that you're seeing have children? It can be hard to have conversations with people on any kind of regular ongoing basis when you're trying to meet the needs of children at home. Also around Christmas time there are a lot of family obligations and it can be very hard to get to a phone or a computer to stay in touch with other loves (especially if you're not out to extended family). If you're having a good time when you're with him, I wouldn't suggest breaking it off right away, but instead, being specific about what you need or desire from him in terms of communication. You might need to compromise with him on how much communication he is able to give. He might not be able to give more than a short daily check-in, but at least that's a good start.

As far as the mono woman who wants you to be mono with her, you probably both need time and space before trying to start a friendship. Otherwise it's just too easy to fall into old patterns, especially if you both like being physical with each other.

The third guy, whose gf dumped you (vetoed?), yeah, don't get involved with him again. That's just going to be all kinds of drama for you. It sounds to me like his gf has a lot of work to do before she's ready to take on polyamory.
 
Yeah, that. ^

1. Enjoy it for what it is. Asking for more is okay, expecting more isn't.

2. I'd break off contact, at least for a while. The torture is not worth it.

3. DRAMA, stay far far away.
 
sealace said:
1. Married poly man, amazing chemistry, lots of fun together. When we are apart the messages I get from him are detached and non-emotional. I find it frustrating and strange that he can be so warm and close when we're together and then just totally detach when we're not. The last straw for me was over the holidays when I only got two measly messages. [He said] I should trust my instincts if it's still not working for me, and that maybe we could at least be friends. So sad and frustrated with this.
Click to expand...

I just got dumped by someone like this. I asked for more contact, as I was losing my connection between dates (once a month for three years). He was not interested in more. By the time I saw him, I felt distant and disconnected. By the end of our time together, I was filled with connection again. It was a roller coaster that never ended for me.

I would suggest thinking long and hard about how much you are different in terms of how you have relationships and communicate. If you are willing to see him once in a while for a nice time, and then not for a time, then go for it. Don't do what I did, though. Don't wait until it gets further and further apart from seeing him and ends. If it's done, it's done. If you can't do it, then there is nothing wrong with that. It might be the best for you in the end, as you can find people who do work.
 
Thanks all, for the generous replies!

Your insights have been very much appreciated. My responses:

Redpepper, I'm sorry to hear that. I can relate and it sounds very painful. Total rollercoaster for me, too, with this guy. And I realize so much of it has to do with my neediness and insecurity, but that doesn't change how painful and difficult it can be. For me, this relationship has been a great exercise in realizing I need to love myself.

Riftara, short and sweet and to the point, thanks!

Derby, #1 has no kids, but does do a lot of family/friends things with his wife. #2, you are probably right. #3, I've come to really like, even love this guy as a person, so I am happy just being friends with him. I am not in love with him. Had I been, it would have been super tough when his gf vetoed me.

Bookbug, thanks for the insight about personality type. I think you may be right. I'm just not like that because I think about him a lot when we're not together, so I would want him to do the same. But I am learning to rein in my expectations for my own happiness. I guess this bothers me because I don't know who else he is seeing besides me and his wife, and my imagination gets carried away. I think maybe there's someone he spends far more time and energy on, and it makes me want out. Who wants to play 3rd fiddle? I'm not even crazy about 2nd fiddle, with him.

BlackUnicorn, I hung out with #3 in person a fair amount, but never met his gf. She suspected we were forming an emotional bond, and felt threatened, I suspect, though she said it was due to the fact that I didn't communicate fully with my SO about what I was doing. Long story.

Sonic and Anne, great, insightful and helpful replies. Thank you!

You guys are great.
 
Is it possible to ask #1 what is going on for him next time you meet? Is he open to telling you honestly?

If the position you are in doesn't match up with who you are and what you need, I might suggest ending it now. If you are anything like me, you need someone to help you feel secure by being around and responsive to your reaching out, and being excited about what you are creating. That isn't being needy and insecure, for some people. Maybe to him it seems so, but others will find your passion and eagerness endearing and lovable. They might even be similar to you.
 
I just want to say thanks to the OP and the responders here. This thread is helping me immensely, in particular, the bit about the INTJ, and the bit about how reaching out with excitement is not seen as being needy by some! :D
 
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