secondary partner issues.

[based]

Hey everyone, im new to being in open and poly relationships.
im a lesbian, and i have a life partner, and also a secondary partner. she is pansexual, which is fine. but she has just informed me that she is infatuated with one of my male friends, and im very afraid that he might not take my lifestyle seriously. hes never had a history of being open in anyway. ive never had to deal with a straight male seeing one of my other partners. im very nervous, and i would never want to tell her she cannot see someone she likes, and wants to connect with. i just need some advice please

 

[jayblue122]

im very afraid that he might not take my lifestyle seriously.

What do you mean by this? How close friends are you? Would you be comfortable talking to him about this lifestyle choice/identity/Relationship structure?

 

[kdt26417]

Hi based,

Can you articulate what scares you the most? What's the worst that could happen here? Identifying that might help you to come to grips with it. Are you afraid your male friend will steal your life partner away? like he won't take your lesbian lifestyle seriously?

Maybe the thing to do is sit down with your life partner and discuss your concerns. You wouldn't be telling her no don't see him, you would just be figuring out some compromises that would make it bearable for you.

Does that help?
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[tenK]

You dating someone who is pansexual does not make you any less of a lesbian. Having a straight male met amour doesn't challenge that any more than having a straight male friend in your life. Likewise, you dating multiple partners does not make you any less of a partner overall. I don't see how he could think either of those things are even questionable. You seem to forget that if they start dating, he will also be in a poly relationship. If he has critical thoughts of you or questions your lifestyle or commitment to your partner(s), then he will have to level the same thoughts at himself.

 

[Magdlyn]

I'm not sure what your fear is about your platonic male friend judging your "lifestyle" if he starts dating one of your gfs.

What is this "lifestyle" you mention? Being a lesbian? Being poly? Both, or something else?

If you're good friends with him and he hasn't acted judgey about your "lifestyle" so far, what would change if he started dating your gf? Do you think he'd try to "make" her mono or straight? How would he do that exactly?

And why would them dating make him judge YOUR lifestyle? He's not dating you, he's dating your gf. The judgment (if any) would be of HER lifestyle/sexual identification, surely, not yours. You seem to be taking something as a personal threat that doesn't really involve you.