Secondary/primary definition

T

Tia

New member
Hey :)

This is all a bit weird for me because I only really heard of polyamory, or rather considered it as a concept in relation to me, 10 days ago. I've started a relationship with a man in a polyamorous marriage. He introduced me to the idea, and I have to say, it answers a lot of questions, and addresses a lot of issues I have with traditional couplings.

I do have one concern though, which I haven't really found a definitive answer to, reading other people's posts and listening to podcasts etc.

What exactly do you mean when you say "secondary" relationship? Secondary in terms of the amount of time one person spends with the other? Does it signify where his/her "stuff" is stored? Or, in people's opinion, does it also sometimes relate to an emotional pecking order?

I would value your honest opinions on this. I am literally just about to step out onto the polyamorous path - and whilst I don't know this guy well enough right now to worry about the long term, I would like to walk into whatever I am about to do with my eyes open to the possibilities.

Thanks.
 
It can refer to any or all of those things, or anything else you want. A lot of times I hear of the "primary" being the person who you live with, have kids with, share expenses, etc. But it is not just that. Some people have more than one primary. "Secondary" doesn't necessarily mean "less important".

This is being discussed in a lot of elsewhere on this forum; I recommend using the search utility to find them, since it often pops up in the middle of a thread and is not always a part of the title.
 
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Hi Tia,

Secondary means exactly that. Your relationship is the second priority in the relationship. His wife and family come first, ultimately. If you understand and accept that, then you can truly enjoy your poly relationship. Where your stuff is stored, or even if you cohabitate, have little bearing on being a secondary.

Yes, there is a pecking order you will be considered second in that to his primary.

You generally will spend less time with him than his primary.

This doesn't mean you aren't an important and loved part of the relationship. Just don't get all possessive and selfish towards his time.

Do make sure you feel healthy and taken care of. Are you looking for a primary as well or other secondaries? That can be a good way to balance your own attention to him.

Take care,
Mono, "Professional Life-Committed Secondary" :D
 
"Secondary" can mean many things. The most common view is that a person in a serious relationship starts to see someone else. That new relationship is usually labeled secondary. But that says nothing about the feelings in the relationship. It says more about where a person tends to spend the night, by default.

But secondary can mean many other things. It may just mean that it was the next relationship after the first relationship. Or it can mean that it is a relationship with less value than the primary one. Or it can mean that it is a relationship with more of a specific focus (like a BDSM partner). Or it can mean the relationship is a distant one in which it is tougher to feel close.

I would suggest you ask the person saying it, if it sounds confusing at all, to see how they see it.
 
Quath nailed it. Ask the guy involved what he is offering and what he expects out of the word secondary, because it is just a word, after all.
 
Thank you again. That's good advice. I am to meet his wife tomorrow, so maybe I should ask them both? Or is that improper?
 
I always lean towards the idea that the more communication, the better. Make sure your desires are known, but be willing to compromise.

Nothing wrong with asking what her perspective on things is.
 
Thank you, Quath. I'm nervous and excited at the same time. I'm scared she'll not like me, or that I'll do or say something to make her feel threatened, or make him lose interest in me. Your words are a comfort, especially as this is a bit new to me, to be able to talk about it with anyone who knows me just yet. I need to sort the pieces out in my own head before I do that. If anyone has any last-minute words of wisdom on how best to handle this situation, I am all ears. My knowledge pool on this topic is a big fat zero, so I value the voices of experience. Thank you.
 
Just be yourself. If she wants to meet you she's already accepted poly and, at the very least, the idea of you. The best thing you can do is be who you are from the start, so no one feels surprised or upset if things come out later. Be clear on what you hope to get from this relationship. Be willing to listen to what they have to say.
 
Hope your meet goes well.

Here's wishing you a great meet with the wife. Hope everything works out for you.

good-luck.jpg


Just Me,
Tim
 
Thanks, guys.

Thanks for the teddy, Tim. That's really sweet of you. :)

I spoke to my fella on the phone earlier and I think I may be making too big of a deal deal out of this. It's just a coffee and a hello. I'm just gonna take a chill pill and enjoy the ride. :)
 
Primary, Secondary, Tertiary and so on are used by many polyamorists because it makes logical sense, or is in some way desirable to have a relationship hierarchy, or acknowledge the significance of relationship levels (based on whatever the paramours wish to base levels on). There are also some polyamorists who strongly dislike these terms, and try very hard to create lateral-only relationships, where equal significance is given to each relationship, to the extent possible. And then, of course (since it is polyamory we're talking about here), there are times when one kind falls in love with the other kind, and a network will develop that has some of each, at which point, there is a wrestling match, or somebody gets voted off the island, or... I don't have my rule book handy.
 
Wow... I had no idea women like that existed. She's amazing. He's amazing. We're amazing. This is all very exciting. :)

Thanks, forum. I appreciate the advice.
 
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