Secondary Travels

[bluemerle]

There are neither exact nor consistent ways to determine where primary ends and secondary begins -- or where secondary ends and tertiary begins. The definitions always seem to depend on who's using the words.

I guess D has a short attention span for secondary relationships. He can invest some extra umph into them at the very beginning, but then soon seems to lose all interest. I think the kind of partner you're looking for would be more long-term and committed -- even if the relationship was secondary.

So, you are probably making the right move to just forget about D as much as you can. I get the impression that he has already forgotten about you.

Yes. Pretty much what you said in the bolded. That was what was described to me but not what has panned out. So onward and upward.

 

[kdt26417]

My best wishes go with you.

 

[nycindie]

Egad, so sorry thinngs went nowhere fast.

Personally, if I were you, my next text to him would be two words: "I'm done."

 

[bluemerle]

Well, it's not over yet.

After a long talk with a very close friend, she told me that she knows me too well and that I need to have some definite closure.

So I sent this.

I would really like some processing or even closure on this. I am confused and it though it feels like it is done, I am not sure and don't know how you do things.


I rec'd this email back within about an hour. Fastest response ever from him.


I am sorry I have not been communicating with you at all for the last two weeks. It is not fair to you and I am sorry if I hurt you in any way. I am really not going to be able to manage anything in our relationship until my health turns around. This weekend I spend the entire time in bed for the most part, yesterday I missed work again. I am experiencing severe migraines most of the day.

I have not been avoiding you as I do not want a relationship. I am avoiding you as I do not want to deal with anything or anyone. Ask my wife she has been very unhappy with me these last two weeks as I have been so miserable and in pain and unpleasant to be around.

I am seeing a neurologist this Friday, and have some hope that will make a difference.

I feel guilty having to constantly tell you I do not feel well enough to spend time together. Either way I am hurting you though.

:/


I responded --
D, I understand you being extremely ill and that you have no desire to see or be around anyone and the struggle to get through the day. I am not upset about that. I am glad you clarified that you aren't seeing me just to avoid me or our relationship. However, the processing I would like to do is concerns several issues and one is related to that.

I would liked to have met with you on Wednesday but have other plans. Why don't we aim for an evening next week. I have tuesday, wed and thur evening free.

I hope there is some relief for your pain in sight.


D called me on his ride home and we chatted for about 10 minutes. He told me about his being out of work most of last week and going to the doctors and such and we discussed meeting next week and I told him I would like to meet with just him first. He said we could meet tuesday and with that I decided to be just very pleasant and not bring up any of the issues. I hate to do it over the phone anyway.



I came upstairs to find this in my email - about an hour later, this one from his wife.

Great, I'll be there too. From my understanding this is a very casual secondary relationship, like friends with benefits, so as far as I'm aware that means people hang out whenever they have time and there are no other time requisites. (THIS part was news to me)

D hasn't even had the energy to attend work consistently for the last two weeks, and our agreement is that work comes first before any thing else, so he's been resting up in order to hopefully get back on a consistent work schedule.



FWB was NOT was outlined as the relationship we were looking to build when I first met with them and when Derek and I first spoke. It was not the relationship that I was trying build. He told me about his wife having a wonderful boyfriend and her relationship and how he would like to build something like that up. My way of thinking was that we were building up to that. It wasn't going to happen right away but over time.

Now, if that is what they want. Or what he wants. Or what she wants and what he will adhere to. Then that is fine. I am okay with that. But I want to get it figured out so I am not expecting something else.

The good news is - I have a date with a guy on Thursday. He and his wife are poly and he is interested getting to know me after meeting me at an event.

 

[Candiedlove]

How are your travels as a secondary going? In the beginning, you seemed to have struggles...

But, really, a secondary IS a lesser priority than a primary. So, it's all about what you want/need. In some cases, the secondary is stuck at secondary and controlled by the primary relationship (by both members of that couple/triad/etc). In others, the secondary is allowed to develop naturally.

But until you gain/earn primary status, your needs will always be lesser. Your obligations will also be lesser, of course. So, really, it's about do you want more? Are you willing to give more? And is that relationship allowed?

If not, you need to enjoy it for what it is.

 

[Confused]

His wife may be struggling right now if he is unable to give their relationship the attention it needs due to illness I can imagine it being a little scary to think of him taking on another relationship.

It doesn't sound like he has much to give at the moment and if you want him in your life and can deal with this it may be worth giving them both the benefit of the doubt and joining them as friends to begin with and see what happens if his health improves.

 

[Inyourendo]

Regarding the fwb ty ing, maybe that was the wife's expectation but maybe he want more and thought he could just keep whatever you and he did on the down low. Downplaying his feelings for you to her to avoid drama and hurt feelings. I definitely feel that it was inappropriate for her to contact you, that would royally piss me off. So he's not allowed to see you because he missed work? She plans on being there when he does see you? Probably best this all came to light how controlling she can be now. Good luck on dating the new guy.

 

[Dagferi]

Run from the situation with D... it screams dramatic shit storm to me.

Focus on the new situation.

 

[nycindie]

At the email from his wife, I would be offended. Firstly, her answer means that she is obviously monitoring his communications with you, and that is not something I would tolerate. I need some amount of privacy in my relationships even if the guy does have other partners. I would also object to a third party trying to control how my relationship goes. So, I would tell her that while I understand her need to let me know how she views it, I would appreciate getting clarification about my relationship with him directly from him, since he is the one you are involved with. I would make it very clear that getting a message from her about it would feel like I was being steamrolled and she is trying to control me, which is not a welcome move on her part.

Secondly, you def need to clarify with her exactly what you wrote here: that your understanding of the relationship is that it is a secondary boyfriend/girlfriend type relationship, NOT a FWB type arrangement which is generally understood to be less than secondary. And let her know that, furthermore, you reached out to him out of concern and confusion, and only wanted some resolution, but that you want that conversation to come from him without interference from her.

After that, if he doesn't step up and stand up for you, I would seriously just end it. Go and enjoy your date with the new guy.

 

[bluemerle]

I just can't believe it.

Things were set for us to meet next week. Next tuesday night for dinner.

He is going to the neurologist today. I texted him "hope the appt goes well" this morning and got no response. Then tonight, a text asking what I was up to tonight. Well, I had already made plans to go to a friends party. And I told him that. He texts "hmm well I was wondering if you could pick me up at the hospital".

So I stop texting and call him. He says the doc gave him so meds that screwed with him and he is in the ER. I asked where wife was. He said she was there but was supposed to leave tonight to go away for the weekend with friends and he didn't want to delay her leaving. I don't know if she was telling him she wanted to go or if he was trying to find someway to let her be able to go but either way. I don't get it. My husband would not have left my side if I was in the hospital no matter what.

UMmm?

WTF????????

I told him that I thought that she really should stay with him and if he was admitted and stayed over night then I could come down tomorrow. He didn't sound very good. Very coherent. I want to actually call HER and see what is up. They don't have family near by so if he really does need help I would do it but NOT just because she wants to go to some weekend event. He couldn't even tell me what hospital he was in. He was pretty groggy.

It is actually very hard for me to sit here because I want to help him - not for romantic reasons but for just to be a nice human being. If he was there alone I would go down.

Please someone tell me to just go on out and have some fun tonight like I had planned.

----------
after writing that, getting dressed and still worrying, I called the wife's phone. She was really frazzled and said she was out getting his ipad and he had been really mean to her all day and she needed some space.

She told me that yes, she actually said to him "Oh well, just call Blue if you want" when she was leaving to run some errands. She was going back but she just had to get away for a bit because of how he had been treating her all day. She apologized a couple times to me for saying it like that but she was just tired.

I know nothing about all of this but listening to her, she sounded very very young and I felt very old and mom like. She cried a little and told me how he gets really abusive when he is in pain and she just can't handle it sometimes and he doesn't listen to the doctor and took the wrong stuff and now things are worse. I gave her a verbal pat on the back and told her that I had plans but if they needed help in the morning getting him home from the hospital to let me know.

I am not going to be involved with him or her or them again. I know that.

 

[kdt26417]

Wow ... sounds like they don't have their proverbial shit together, at all.

 

[bluemerle]

Well, I learned my lesson.

The NRE was great. Lots of fun and what a way to get back into the saddle of interacting with people. I had been on a desert for years and just jumped into the deep end thinking I would remember how to swim.

I did remember a little and then I remembered more and more as things got weirder and weirder. I may actually have to thank him for not calling or texting me for so long that the relationship did become pretty null and void.

Don't get me wrong, I know up until last night that I was still in the back of my head wondering what I did wrong. And now I know. Nothing.

Well, maybe I did hook up with someone too fast, too soon, but that is bound to happen sometimes. I do look back on how the first meeting with all three of us went and shake my head that I didn't see the signs then.

I will say I am happy for the time spent with him - when things were right, they were really right. That gave me happiness for awhile.

And, I still think I would be okay as a secondary. That is still the relationship I am looking for.

 

[nycindie]

<sigh> That's dating for you!

We can't expect that the first liaisons we have, after a long time in the desert, will lead to perfect compatibility on all fronts - although our hopes and fantasies may lead us to thinking that we have found someone who seems just right. Yeah, sometimes we just have to kiss a lot of frogs... or frogs that look like princes but are still just frogs.

Good for you that you aren't letting this experience discourage you from being open to seeing what happens with your next experiences. Having and managing relationships that are not on the monogamy track takes some tweaking.

 

[bluemerle]

I am reading some other blog threads here and just started on "Flying Solo".
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=51028

I am interested what has come up and how it was handled. The first blog post was about "rules" that her bf and his primary set down. I was reading them and thinking, yes, yes, yes, yes as some that were matching what I was told. And her way of dealing with them.

Why did I put up with some of those things and why did they not see how toxic it was at times.

The road is opening up and I am ready to start exploring again. This first bumpy road taught me. I am sure the next one will teach me more.