Secondary Travels

Dagferi

Active member
I see Murf as important as Butch.

He is not someone I only see or make time for when I feel like it. His wants and needs are just as important to me as my other partner. He has never been treated as second.
 

bluemerle

New member
I see Murf as important as Butch.

He is not someone I only see or make time for when I feel like it. His wants and needs are just as important to me as my other partner. He has never been treated as second.

Maybe that is the difference. It was said from the beginning that I was a second. And as I have said, for the most part I am okay with that. I do my own things and have a pretty busy life. I had a husband for 17 years and have been a widow for 7 years. I have learned to be single, but I still remember what it was like to be a primary. This is my first relationship since hubby so I am relearning and what I was used to with one person is not the same as with a new person.

However, what you said - I would like to be have my wants and needs be as important to D - maybe it will take time to grow into that. Maybe this is not going to happen but I figure there may be some more time needed.

I am trying not to leap to that conclusion that he has me as a low priority because when he is with me, it certainly doesn't seem like it.

It is the cancelling that is frustrating. I also wondered if maybe this should be a blog, but realize that I do appreciate the input.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Hi bluemerle,

Since D at least said okay to having you come over with dinner, I'm not so suspicious as I was in my last post.

There is a concept here on Polyamory.com (introduced by Marcus, I think, I can't remember where) of obtaining co-primary status through sweat equity. Sometime you might want to ask D (and his wife?) if there's a chance you could earn co-primary status eventually, or if you secondary status is intended to be permanent. Ask him what the change in status would entail.

In the meantime, I suppose I'd stand down red alert and just know that D probably won't meet up with you very reliably or very frequently, but that you and he always have a good time when he does meet up with you. If you can live with that, at least for now, then stay in the relationship.

Although still, since most of the time D probably won't be around, make sure you have other enjoyable stuff to do, including an extra (secondary?) dating partner (or two?) if that's something you're interested in and have time for.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 

nycindie

Active member
Bluemerle, if you would like me to move this thread to the Blogs section, send me a PM (private message) and let me know what title you want for it. People are allowed to comment on Blogs, just not argue nor get into heated debates with the blogger, and you can have unwanted posts removed from your blog thread. I'd be happy to move it for you.
 
Last edited:

bluemerle

New member
Hi bluemerle,

Since D at least said okay to having you come over with dinner, I'm not so suspicious as I was in my last post.

There is a concept here on Polyamory.com (introduced by Marcus, I think, I can't remember where) of obtaining co-primary status through sweat equity. Sometime you might want to ask D (and his wife?) if there's a chance you could earn co-primary status eventually, or if you secondary status is intended to be permanent. Ask him what the change in status would entail.

In the meantime, I suppose I'd stand down red alert and just know that D probably won't meet up with you very reliably or very frequently, but that you and he always have a good time when he does meet up with you. If you can live with that, at least for now, then stay in the relationship.

Although still, since most of the time D probably won't be around, make sure you have other enjoyable stuff to do, including an extra (secondary?) dating partner (or two?) if that's something you're interested in and have time for.

Regards,
Kevin T.

The longer the time the more depressed I am getting.

So, I saw him saturday night for a brief dinner.

Sunday was another day of him saying "I'll be up" then "oh I dont feel good, going to take a shower" then "I am just going to bed". So another whole day of me hanging on. Then nothing.

Then I called on tuesday in the evening. He told me about his trip to the docs and the pain meds and anti-biotics. So yes, he really truly was sick. We talked for about 10 minutes and some of that was him telling me how I drove him crazy all weekend and was so pushy. He sounded more mad and more "real" then I had ever heard and though I was not happy he was mad, it was still nice to see another side - because we all do get mad - it's part of life. Anyway, he wanted to see about dinner saturday night and I had to tell him I was already planning to go to a party then. I suggested sunday but he said he would have to check with his wife.

I have not heard anything from him since that phone call.
 

bluemerle

New member
I have been chatting with two other guys on okcupid. They are not poly so it's not exactly what I am looking for but they are nice. One looks like Samwell from Game of thrones (or hodor jr.).

I am not ready - quite - to give up on D and our relationship but my feelings have been basically put on hold.

I don't know whether to just wait till he contacts me - and who knows when that will be - or to try one more attempt to say 'hey we need to talk/process what has happened'. I feel stupid for being the one reaching out all the time now. But I also feel like I thought we had something and I don't know where it went wrong. If wrong is even the right word.

Shouldn't I deserve at least SOME communication?
 

nycindie

Active member
Don't chase him and don't wait around. In reality, from Tuesday night to Friday is only a few days and not that long, but if you're just sitting around obsessed with when you will hear from him, it will seem like forever. Keep yourself occcupied. Date other guys and have fun. Schedule dates and other activities as you see fit. Make yourself available on a first-come, first-served basis and don't cancel things with other people for him. If he is unreliable and flaky, and then gives you shit about how "demanding" you are, you two just might not be compatible, so don't waste time waiting for someone like that. Life is too short!
 
Last edited:

Dagferi

Active member
Are you willing to be involved in a relationship in which communication is not initiated by him, and you are placed secondary to other events in his life. Are you going to be content to plans being cancelled last minute and at his whim?

Again my opinion is don't make someone a priority who makes you an option. Go out date others don't sit around pining away
 

bluemerle

New member
I guess I am pining. I guess I am a little bit.

I will get past it though. As I said I am already chatting with two others. I am going to a social party tomorrow (early halloween).

Thoughts of him are not consuming every moment of my time, but I think what I really would like is some resolution. If it's done, then fine, let's finish it.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
I suppose you could call him tomorrow and ask if he checked with his wife about Sunday, just so you'd know what to plan on. Though if you do that, there's a risk that he'll say you're being too clingy, needy, and/or naggy. Which by the way, might be a sign that it's time to break up with him. He doesn't seem to want the amount of contact with you that you need from him.

Re (from bluemerle):
"I feel stupid for being the one reaching out all the time now. But I also feel like I thought we had something and I don't know where it went wrong. If wrong is even the right word."

I fear that if you're hoping for closure in the form of an explanation from him of what went wrong, you'll probably be sorely frustrated. I'm betting he won't want to talk about. I could be wrong. I hope I'm wrong. But you should prepare yourself to find closure some other way, if you can.

I know, just shut up Kevin, right. :( But life is like that: full of mysteries that never quite get solved.
 

bluemerle

New member
Actually you are all saying exactly what my one side of my brain has been saying. It's the other side that is still....hoping.

And this is NOT the life I want. I do not want to be hanging and waiting. You are right Kevin, there is a certain amount of contact and commitment that I want/need from a relationship. Not an all the time 24/7 but a daily reach out or connection every couple days in some way either small or large.

I will see what the next couple days brings.
 
Last edited:

kdt26417

Official Greeter
I'll cross my fingers on your behalf just in case. Sorry, I know you are going through Suckville right now. For the record, I wouldn't think that asking him to send you a text or something every other day would be such a huge thing to ask. But then obviously, I'm not him ... :(

Keep us posted.
 

bluemerle

New member
What I woke up wanting to say -

"Who are you to treat me like this? it is not what we discussed and processed through at the start. Not the relationship you said you were looking for. To be honest, I don't think you can handle a secondary or a girlfriend because you are so tied to your primary wife that a secondary is not that, but rather a fourth or eighth. And you know what. That would be okay. Really. IF it was presented like that. But, you need to rethink what you really want. FB? FWB? maybe that would work better for you but don't call it something it's not and something you can't follow through with."

That's how I am feeling. And I am a red-head. So we tend to get loud and harsh.

Then we get past it once it's out. And we get all cuddly and want to make sure things are alright.

Before anyone responds, I really am going go to say it all like that but I am going to take some of that and filter it into a better way to express my feelings.

That is, if I even get to talk to him again.
 
Last edited:

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Yeah as it turned out, he gave you the leftovers. And not very much of them, either. :mad:
 

Inyourendo

New member
Don't chase him and don't wait around. In reality, from Tuesday night to Friday is only a few days and not that long, but if you're just sitting around obsessed with when you will hear from him, it will seem like forever. Keep yourself occcupied. Date other guys and have fun. Schedule dates and other activities as you see fit. Make yourself available on a first-come, first-served basis and don't cancel things with other people for him. If he is unreliable and flaky, and then gives you shit about how "demanding" you are, you two just might not be compatible, so don't waste time waiting for someone like that. Life is too short!

I completely agree with this. Don't make someone who treats you like a second your first. *IF* you are available when he wants to see you, fine but Don't be a doormat. I had a friend who would often cancel on me so I made a policy not to make plans with her. If she called me up to do something right then and there and I was free then I'd hang with her but I refused to reserve my time for someone who can't commit their time
 

bluemerle

New member
Yeah as it turned out, he gave you the leftovers. And not very much of them, either. :mad:

THE good thing is, I am not turned off by the thought of another poly relationship or even being a secondary again. I am going to think of it as a learning process. And I know a lot more about what I need in a relationship and what I don't need so that I can go forward from here.

I am interested to see what the next two days brings. If anything.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
It looks like you're maintaining a postive attitude about the whole thing and I give you kudos for that. There are primary/secondary models that work, they just involve everyone being willing to give and compromise a little.
 
I'm a relatively secondary status as girlfriend to my primary love mostly due to our need to live 50 miles apart due to various family responsibility. I take care of my aging mom. He is a great dad and husband and their relocating was not in the kids best interest. So we make things work. As part of that balance, I take care to have other friends and interests. I fill my time with that in addition to my family stuff so that the tendency to feel left out our abandoned when he or I can't communicate is lessened.
Being a second partner can be difficult. I know I often wish there was a place here for secondaries to sound off safely. Often the advice given is to leave the situation/find another lover/get your own primary from folks who aren't in the position of truly getting the aloneness that can come from being second without a live in primary.
I say talk to your partner. And find ways to fill the times apart to keep your head from going crazy. Also take an honest look at if this is what you want. Recognize the time commitment probably won't change in your favor. Is it better to have to the part time and can you enjoy and value what you have without more? Otherwise the resentment and bitterness can poison your relationship and make you miserable.

Cd

My cast:
Me: in a vee with sirreal and lady, dating fox
Sirreal: the hinge me and lady (married with kids 15 yrs :))
Lady: married to sirreal, sub to R
Fox: mono dating me
R: lady's dom
 

bluemerle

New member
Update and musings.

Update is basically I have still not seen or met with D and he seems to still be too sick to meet. I can't even get a chance to come down and sit and talk to him and his wife to try and figure it all out and to have a closing process.

There has been very sporadic texting (after I text him) and only once have we had a phone conversation and only after (again) it was me that reached out to him. We talked on the phone for 20 minutes (I texted him to see how he was and he called me back). That was a nice conversation and he was telling me I should come visit and that he would check with wife and call me back.

Never got a call. That was at 5 pm. Four hours later I texted "um, I guess not" and he texted that they had just finished talking. And nothing else. Just those few words. And that has been it for 4 days. I am not reaching out again.

My friends that don't know about the Poly part of the relationship have told me that he is blowing me off and to forget him.

I sort of agree - and I'll tell you why. Because they told me in a previous relationship an issue was the woman calling all the time. Calling and bothering them. Why?? maybe because she never heard from him! And also that she wanted to have alternate days to meet when he was sick for their date. And that took time from his wife and she didn't like that. I have to say - not to toss it all on the wife, that D didn't care enough to stand up for the idea. I don't know how things ended with the other secondary/girlfriend but I would not be surprised to find a similar situation.

I believe he really is a health challenged. I would love to be a good girlfriend and help out - I thoguth that was what you did. I didn't try to push the wife/primary out of the way, but tried to offer support. I feel like I jumped into this with the idea of one thing and our ideas didn't match. I wanted to be more involved - sure, somewhat in his life but mostly in the planning of our time, our relationship and where it could go. I felt that was expected and fair. I thought that was what it was about. Maybe I am mixing secondary and primary or even co-primary up.
 
Last edited:

kdt26417

Official Greeter
There are neither exact nor consistent ways to determine where primary ends and secondary begins -- or where secondary ends and tertiary begins. The definitions always seem to depend on who's using the words.

I guess D has a short attention span for secondary relationships. He can invest some extra umph into them at the very beginning, but then soon seems to lose all interest. I think the kind of partner you're looking for would be more long-term and committed -- even if the relationship was secondary.

So, you are probably making the right move to just forget about D as much as you can. I get the impression that he has already forgotten about you. :(
 
Top