Seeing someone new, first hiccup

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lavendarboi

New member
I'm unpartnered for the first time in 9 years. Last year, I got our of a pretty traumatic polycule situation. I've only dated one person in the year since it happened. That has ended as well. Nothing unusual there. It just didn't work out.

I moved to the other side of the US for a fresh start. This all feels relevant to say to preface that I've started seeing someone new. We've been on 4 dates. It was going well. He's not new to polyamory, nor am I.

After our last date, which went really well, we had a conversation about friends with benefits, and how, as romance anarchists, what's wrong with having a friend you love, that you also have a romantic attachment to? My opinion on that is that labels are all arbitrary, unless they have been agreed upon by all parties involved, and that FWB is widely used to mean casual and convenient. If it's not any different than a partner to him, why even call your partners "partner"?

He conceded.

At the end of the date (where we kissed for the first time), he told me he wouldn't be able to see me for a couple of weeks, because he had some pre-planned things coming up this next weekend. I didn't know how to respond, because we were parting ways, so I just said, "That's okay."

The next morning, I expressed that I was confused by him suddenly not being able to see me for two weeks (after seeing one another every week for 4 weeks), and in light of that information, I wanted to take a step back from texting every day. I told him that I didn't want to create a dynamic predicated on just texting. Every other day to check in felt like a nice compromise, so that I wasn't over-investing and prioritizing too soon, since he wanted to cool things off for a couple weeks.

I told him that maybe I did a bad job communicating that I needed consistency and stability right now, and that it was okay that he needed space, but that it wouldn't work for me romantically long term, and that's okay, even if it's disappointing.

I understand that he has other priorities, but I was very clear about what I need in dynamics to feel emotionally safe, etc. Spending physical time with folks is essential. I want to avoid people who are over-saturated, but unwilling to admit it. So he should understand where I'm coming from and if not, then it shows a lack of emotional intelligence.

He asked me why I thought he wasn't ready romantically. I explained that it was his comments on FWB, and then suddenly not being able to see me for weeks at a time. He said he was sorry, and that he should have been more clear that he just couldn't see me the following weekend. I said that I didn't need to only see him on the weekends. (That's not what was happening anyway.)

He *then* offered weekday plans, and said it would be super easy to make that work, since I live close to where he works. But as someone not new to polyamory, when I like someone, and we are both being very communicative of how we feel, and I want to see them, I offer alternatives if I can't see them like I want to. That's 101 stuff, in my opinion.

His texting seemed pretty normal after that, but has since declined. He doesn't send me good night or good morning texts anymore, and he's left me on read once, whereas before he was incredibly reactive to my texts (and I to his). I haven't changed any of my habits. I'm a very direct and straightforward person, and I refuse to play relationship games. It's now just starting to feel like he is, and I am confused.

Anyone with insight? Is this a huge red flag that I'm refusing to see, or am I being unreasonably anxious? I've obviously been doing a lot of internal work to try to figure this out on my own, because I'm actually normally not a very anxious person. But this guy is now making me feel anxious, and that, in itself, is a red flag.

I'm also trying to remember that he's very new to me. It's only been a month. I don't even know him very well. But you know how it is when you get excited about someone.

I'm trying to be reasonable, without also pulling back, which is a practice. I also don't want to be taken advantage of. I will admit that I'm scared. I don't enjoy intense feelings of up and down, but I also feel like maybe I hurt his feelings by asking for less texting. I made it clear that it was in light of him suddenly not being able to see me for weeks, so it kind of feels like I'm now being punished. That sounds silly, but I have absolutely had my feelings weaponised against me in polyamory. I'm trying my best to remain open and compassionate, while also being protective of myself.
 
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Hi,

It seems to me from what you wrote, that you overreacted a bit to him having some prior commitments. I hear that you want "consistency and stability," having seen what you wrote about your former time where you used to live. But this new guy, that you've only known four weeks, is not required to be your all and everything after such a short time.

Don't expect him to be your everything after one month. That's not wise. Have some patience. He seems worth it.

If I were him, I might've felt a bit smothered too. Even in mono relationships, people have other friends, family, work trips, emergencies, plans they've made before meeting you, etc.! You knee-jerk reacted to him saying he had plans for the following weekend. He offered to see you mid-week. He's enjoying texting daily, and keeping in touch in between dates.

Remember, if you're going to be poly, and maybe new guy is too, you will both need space for other people and things in your lives: work, hobbies, friends, perhaps elder care and/or child care, vacations, house work, car and yard maintenance, other partners (of whatever degree of intensity, from fuck buddies to spouses), etc.

If you're a planner, fine. Make plans for the week. Perhaps it will be Friday and Saturday for this guy (if you're lucky), unless other things come up. Ask to be informed asap if things come up. Make room for real emergencies.

I could go on, but will just add: beware of NRE. Handle it wisely. Don't smother new partners by expecting too much commitment right away. Everyone is allowed to go at their own pace. That's just respectful.
 
Magdlyn said:
Hi,

It seems to me from what you wrote, that you overreacted a bit to him having some prior commitments. I hear that you want "consistency and stability," having seen what you wrote about your former time where you used to live. But this new guy, that you've only known four weeks, is not required to be your all and everything after such a short time.

Don't expect him to be your everything after one month. That's not wise. Have some patience. He seems worth it.

If I were him, I might've felt a bit smothered too. Even in mono relationships, people have other friends, family, work trips, emergencies, plans they've made before meeting you, etc.! You knee-jerk reacted to him saying he had plans for the following weekend. He offered to see you mid-week. He's enjoying texting daily, and keeping in touch in between dates.

Remember, if you're going to be poly, and maybe new guy is too, you will both need space for other people and things in your lives: work, hobbies, friends, perhaps elder care and/or child care, vacations, house work, car and yard maintenance, other partners (of whatever degree of intensity, from fuck buddies to spouses), etc.

If you're a planner, fine. Make plans for the week. Perhaps it will be Friday and Saturday for this guy (if you're lucky), unless other things come up. Ask to be informed asap if things come up. Make room for real emergencies.

I could go on, but will just add: beware of NRE. Handle it wisely. Don't smother new partners by expecting too much commitment right away. Everyone is allowed to go at their own pace.
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Thanks for this advice, I needed to hear it I think. I'll back off and just let things be and focus on myself 😌 Also holding space for the fact that I'm human and I make mistakes.
 
The vibe I get from your post is maybe he is less into you than you are into him. Like, he likes you, but isn't attached/doesn't mind going two weeks without seeing each other. So your misalignment comes from different preferences.
 
Tinwen said:
The wibe I get from your post is maybe he is less into you than you are into him.
Like, he likes you, but isn't attached/ doesn't mind going two weeks without seeing each other.
So your misalignment comes from different preferences.
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Yeah I definitely agree which is why I asked for less texting. It's totally okay that he doesn't mind not seeing me for two weeks but that's not what he *said* which is why it's confusing and a potential red flag. He literally prefaced telling me he wouldn't be able to see me for two weeks by saying he was really disappointed he wouldn't be able to. I've been in dating dynamics before with folks who would say they missed me but then wouldn't make time for me so when actions don't match words I go on alert and pull back. Either way it's probably a combination of things telling me I need to step back. Thanks for the insight.
 
Hi Lavendar,

Usually when people start dating each other, both of them put their best foot forward. And that's what concerns me about this situation, is that he has just started dating you -- one month -- and this is his best foot? Yikes. You can only expect him to give you even more of the short end of the stick, once the NRE wears off. I suspect that he is less into you than you are him. He is taking advantage of your tender feelings, he is making you a convenience, someone he can hook up with when it's convenient for him. I feel bad for saying all this, it's probably not what you want to hear. But be very careful here, look after yourself and your own well-being, because I don't think he's going to do that. I guess I'm extra cautious because I know you've been hurt in the past.

With sympathy,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hi Lavendar,

Usually when people start dating each other, both of them put their best foot forward. And that's what concerns me about this situation, is that he has just started dating you -- one month -- and this is his best foot? Yikes. You can only expect him to give you even more of the short end of the stick, once the NRE wears off. I suspect that he is less into you than you are him. He is taking advantage of your tender feelings, he is making you a convenience, someone he can hook up with when it's convenient for him. I feel bad for saying all this, it's probably not what you want to hear. But be very careful here, look after yourself and your own well-being, because I don't think he's going to do that. I guess I'm extra cautious because I know you've been hurt in the past.

With sympathy,
Kevin T.
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Yeah this is basically where I'm at as well! It's fine to say that there should be no expectations but there were already expectations from the beginning the minute you speak to someone about what you are looking for. If he couldn't make time for someone weekly barring emergencies, trips etc. And doesn't know how to navigate multiple dating relationships with scheduling or didn't like what I'de told him he could have chosen there to say we weren't compatible. I actually had a very direct conversation about sometimes things are not compatible and that's okay if it's not here. That's when he apologized, back tracked and offered an alternative time.
 
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Sure I can understand, that he had something more casual in mind, and that you had something more serious in mind. Sometimes people just aren't compatible, not as much as they thought they were at first. I'm not saying you should stop dating him, I'm just saying you should be careful and worry about your own best interests.
 
kdt26417 said:
Sure I can understand, that he had something more casual in mind, and that you had something more serious in mind. Sometimes people just aren't compatible, not as much as they thought they were at first. I'm not saying you should stop dating him, I'm just saying you should be careful and worry about your own best interests.
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Yes I can appreciate what you are saying here. I'm not going to stop seeing him but I'm definitely going to pump the breaks. I'm also dating other folks but nothing has really evolved out of that yet but I continue to see others. I had 2 other dates this week with new folks and next week I have one with someone I've been chatting to for a minute. So not by any means focusing solely on him.
 
Sounds like you are having a good healthy awareness of your own well-being, and you have multiple prospects in terms of your own dating interests. Carry on, and keep us posted as your situation evolves.
 
Well, we had our date that he initially said he couldn't be available for. It went really well, which is our usual.

I asked him if I could see him that weekend he'd mentioned he had available. While I was working on a follow-up text about how I wanted him to come over to my place, because I would have privacy that specific night, and wanted to escalate things physically, I hadn't noticed that he said that that day actually wouldn't work for him, because he had an event. Once he saw what I wrote, he immediately sent a text back saying that he could come over, but it would have to be later in the night, around 8:00 p.m. I said that would be fine, because I wanted to make a special dinner anyway.

I then ask him if a mid-day would work, since he might be too tired after his show. He said he didn't have any availability (though he'd said 4 days prior he did).

A few days later, I found out that I wouldn't have any privacy that day, because my roommate had to cancel their trip because of work. So I notified him. He said that was a bummer. I said that since he was going to be pretty busy that night anyway, it was probably working out for the best.

He said he appreciated my positivity. I clarified that it was more practicality than positivity, because there's not really anywhere for me to adjust when he seems to not be able to fit me into his schedule, despite the conversation we had earlier the previous week about his lack of clarity on scheduling. I said that I wasn't sure how I was feeling and that I would need to assess. He asked me for clarification that I wanted to see him weekly. I said yes, but he was saying that he couldn't see me for 2 weeks.

He then says he has two partners and a kid, and he tries to spend his time equitably with everyone, and that maybe he was not a good fit for me right now. I said that I remember that we both explicitly said that we wanted someone we could see weekly, and how tired we were of dating people whose expressed values did not match their proclaimed values, in terms of being long-time practitioners of polyamory dating folks who are new to it, and that his behavior is looking like someone who has not practiced polyamory for a long time, or at least addressed the fact that they can't handle dating multiple people at the same time.

He said that he doesn't understand how we got here, because things were going so well. He didn't know why he couldn't see me before that weekend. I said that I had asked, and he said that he wasn't available then. I asked him if he would please go check our texts, which he must have done, because he came back and said that he doesn't know why he said he wouldn't be available for that week, because he is, and there's nothing on his calendar, unless it was because he thought I was asking for additional days.

Again, someone who has been practicing polyamory for a while is going to offer alternative dates, and be open and honest about what their availability is. Why lie? I'm not saying that was intentionally malicious, but I do think that it seems like he was afraid to tell me no to extra time, for some reason, but had no difficulty in telling me he couldn't see me for 2 weeks.

He said that all of this was a horrible misunderstanding. He also said that he's very bad at scheduling things weeks in advance. I then said I wasn't asking for weeks in advance. We then went over when we schedule our week, etc. We generally mended things, but I'm still on the fence about how I feel. We've been texting like normal. But I'm seriously considering this person's intentions.
 
Hi Lavendar,

Thanks for that update. I'm sorry he is being wishy-washy, first telling you he was free on a certain day and then telling you he wasn't free. I can't tell if he is intentionally playing/using you, or if he's just terrible with his organizational skills. I guess I hope the latter. Don't write him off just yet, but be cautious.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
It sounds like he's not new to poly. He already has two other partners, AND a kid. He might be very busy with his career or other outside interests, as well.

And this is just a long shot, but some people have ADHD and don't do well with schedules unless they really work at a system to keep themselves on track.

I don't get the feeling, from here at least, that he's intentionally lying to you.

Plus, your roommate had a change in their schedule, which influenced your availability. That was on your end.

There are a lot of moving parts here. If he's overscheduled, or actually seeming too poly-saturated to be a viable partner, or chronically confused about who what when, you will probably find out soon.
 
Magdlyn said:
It sounds like he's not new to poly. He already has two other partners, AND a kid. He might be very busy with his career or other outside interests, as well.

And this is just a long shot, but some people have ADHD and don't do well with schedules unless they really work at a system to keep themselves on track.

I don't get the feeling, from here at least, that he's intentionally lying to you.

Plus, your roommate had a change in their schedule, which influenced your availability. That was on your end.

There are a lot of moving parts here. If he's overscheduled, or actually seeming too poly-saturated to be a viable partner, or chronically confused about who what when, you will probably find out soon.
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Yes definitely! I've been working on the whole, "perfectionism doesn't exist and is part of a social system intended to severe you from yourself and others" in therapy so I recognise that my stubbornness directly correlates to the fact that I am incredibly hard on myself and hold myself to a very high standard, especially for other people, because I know what it feels like to continuously be treated without care or consideration. Not everyone is as intentional as I am, not because I'm better than them, but because they don't have my lived experience. This can also be a lesson in letting go of those strict bylines and I need to learn to go with the flow more often. If I allow myself I can just focus on how I feel when I'm with them (we mutually agree that it's incredibly lovely) and go from there until things get more serious, if they do.
 
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