Seeking a Mentor

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I think you can be born poly. It is actually as you get older that the idea of poly is gradually destroyed by the monogamous brainwashing just about all of us experience. I think most people are born poly.
 
kdt26417 said:
I think you can be born poly, it is actually as you get older that the idea of poly is gradually destroyed by the monogamous brainwashing just about all of us experience. I think most people are born poly.
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I feel like that comforts me more than it should, but I suspect that that's just my monogamous programming...
 
You almost certainly have some monogamous conditioning that you are fighting against. It's not a battle you can win overnight. You will have to accept a certain amount of discomfort with polyamory for a while. Hopefully your interactions with the other members of this forum will help with that.
 
abnormal said:
Can you be born poly? Because you don't really have a concept when you're a kid.
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When I was in third grade, I had two "boyfriends," both named Douglas lol. One day I was in my yard with one Doug, and the other Doug came by and found us together. They had an argument together about which one of them was my real bf. They got into a fist fight. When it was over, they walked away, friends, and left me behind, and I was no longer anyone's gf lol

I didn't actually start dating until I was 15, but I certainly was fully capable of having crushes on multiple boys and girls during elementary school and middle school. Why not? Why wouldn't everyone?
 
Magdlyn said:
I didn't actually start dating until I was 15, but I certainly was fully capable of having crushes on multiple boys and girls during elementary school and middle school. Why not? Why wouldn't everyone?
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I first saw it in high school, but I kept it from others. I "knew" it was wrong. I tried to squish it down and I did, until about 18 when I met the father of my kids. I loved him. That said, I was also spending time and having sex with a friend of his. My bf was aware 100% and I had his permission, but I squished my feelings again.

Flash forward to my current relationship. I'm with another man who allows me to have sex outside of our relationship. Only this time I've been less able to squish things. I love both my bf and a different fwb in the exact same way.

I didn't see the signs that I was poly until about 6 months ago. I started researching what polyamory meant and the more I learned, the more I got this sinking feeling that I was "one of them".

So many people I've come out to have said that they've known for a while that I'm poly. I'm the last to know, it seems, and my daughter (a transperson; not poly, but somebody who understands "coming out"; although it seems i only came out to myself) says that's common. I've been leaning on her heavily for support and guidance.
 
abnormal said:
I first saw it in high school, but I kept it from others. I "knew" it was wrong. I tried to squish it down and I did, until about 18 when I met the father of my kids. I loved him. That said, I was also spending time and having sex with a friend of his. My bf was aware 100% and I had his permission, but I squished my feelings again.

Flash forward to my current relationship. I'm with another man who allows me to have sex outside of our relationship. Only this time I've been less able to squish things. I love both my bf and a different fwb in the exact same way.

I didn't see the signs that I was poly until about 6 months ago. I started researching what polyamory meant and the more I learned, the more I got this sinking feeling that I was "one of them".

So many people I've come out to have said that they've known for a while that I'm poly. I'm the last to know, it seems, and my daughter (a transperson; not poly, but somebody who understands "coming out"; although it seems i only came out to myself) says that's common. I've been leaning on her heavily for support and guidance.
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Yes. I understand.

Try not to lean too heavily on your child for support in your dating life. It could backfire. I am glad you've come here to talk to adult peers that are not your children.

Something I want to point out: you don't need, nor should you seek "permission" from a partner, or ask to "be allowed" to have feelings for or date another. Your partner does not own you. He is not your father, legal guardian, policeman, judge or teacher. You own yourself. You are autonomous. You and he are equals.

In a poly relationship, partners are equals and make agreements with each other. They "consent" to have an open relationship. They "agree" each has the right to choose how to share their bodies and hearts.

This might seem to be splitting hairs, but it's an important distinction.
 
Magdlyn said:
Yes. I understand.

Try not to lean too heavily on your child for support in your dating life. It could backfire. I am glad you've come here to talk to adult peers that are not your children.

Something I want to point out: you don't need, nor should you seek "permission" from a partner, or ask to "be allowed" to have feelings for or date another. Your partner does not own you. He is not your father, legal guardian, policeman, judge or teacher. You own yourself. You are autonomous. You and he are equals.

In a poly relationship, partners are equals and make agreements with each other. They "consent" to have an open relationship. They "agree" each has the right to choose how to share their bodies and hearts.

This might seem to be splitting hairs, but it's an important distinction.
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She's an adult, but I get your point.

As for my bf, I didn't know I was poly when a lot of this happened. I didn't know the terminology or "rules" (for lack of a better word).

And it doesn't sound like splitting hairs. Language has power. I want to use it correctly.
 
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