Seeking advice on my first encounter with seeing someone other than my husband

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FrkMed

New member
This could probably be explained in a shorter version, but I'm giving you details for you to know my situation.

My husband and I have been together for 5 years and our relationship have been open for two years. We opened it because we both agree that sex is fun, we enjoy the "chase" and know that we can have sex with others, but choose each other in the end (and also don't believe that sex will have any influence in the case we at some point in the future don't choose each other anymore). We trust each other.

For the past two years our open relationship has meant that we invited other people into our shared bedroom, always as a shared experience. Not because we would mind that the other one had sex with someone else, but we've just been satisfied with what we had and therefore didn't feel the need to look other places.

Now I have a new job and work some time abroad, so it has become more relevant for us to see other people, because our needs for physical intimacy are not being met, when we are not together. My job means that I spend 2 months abroad, then 4 months at home. My husband visits me half way. We've been a part before for 6 months, 2 months and 3 months at a time and while we miss each other, we agree that since this is my dream career that I should do it. We have an active sexlife despite being a part because of amazing technology, but of course it's not the same as being with each other physically.

So I saw this guy once, where I work abroad now. We talked very openly about my open relationship and that we're in it for the fun, not a relationship. We had sex and it was fun and my husband knows, so there's nothing there going on that shouldn't be. This is the first time that we've tried that one of us had sex without the other one being a part of it. My husband was okay with it even though it felt a little weird, he said. He says that it's okay for me to see this guy again.

Now on to what I want to hear your experiences on: this other guy - I'm attracted to him, but also remember that right after having sex with him I thought: yeah, this was fun, but different from making love to someone, and I missed my husband's hands touching me, knowing what every move and moan means etc. So right after I felt like: okay, I can do this, this will be just sex and fun.

But then after a couple of days I started checking my phone to see if this new guy had texted, I felt nervous about texting him about seeing each other again and I was relieved that he wanted to. My husband is visiting in two weeks and I've also thought about whether I would have time to see this guy before my husband visits.

So this is where I'm torn: on one hand this is something that I miss in my current relationship - "the chase" and part of why both I and my husband want to be in an open relationship. On the other hand it feels a lot like when I dated (before I met my husband) and I had a good date and feel nervous and jittery, because I liked the guy.

Before I met my husband I have never had a friend-with-benefits / sexbuddy and had only one one-night-stand, so I don't know what it is normal to feel in this kind of relationship and have never before been in a relationship where I was not supposed to catch feelings.

And now I can't figure out if I should not see this guy again or if it is actually what I wanted as a part of an open relationship. Does that make sense and has anyone had similar experiences and have some advice? Should I just discuss it openly with my husband? Probably!
 
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I think it is pretty much impossible to have an expectation that you are not allowed to catch feelings. You can tell someone that you would like a simple, physical relationship/friendship (but not a romantic one) but you cannot agree that you simply won’t develop feelings for each other. You can agree to always wear condoms, you can agree to have one date night per month, or whatever else you want to do to regular behavior. But you cannot regulate feelings. Feelings happen regardless of your intentions or agreements.

Is it possible that you could open yourself up to the possibility of full polyamory rather than just an open sexual relationship?

I know what you are going through, though. I am a mess when it comes to the nervous, jittery feelings around dating. Luckily I don’t have to worry about preventing feelings, though, because I believe it’s okay to fall in love with more than one person. So that would be my first advice.
 
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Because you are the one traveling, you are more likely to find people who are going to be ok with the fact that you are leaving for long periods of time at regular intervals. I have dated women in this situation, it's very fun. But yes, you do develop feelings and if things go well, you will feel sad when you part ways. But feelings are good, even sad ones. Personally, I fall in love very easily, I enjoy the feeling even knowing that there is an end point.

You should discuss this with your husband, definitely. You both may face some feelings coming up that you've avoided. In the past, these relationships were an adjunct to your marriage, like a sex toy. Now, each of you is going to Disneyland without the other and that will bring up feelings.
 
Given your limited experience, it's not surprising you are developing feelings after sexual intimacy. If you want to stick to your original agreement you have to develop a sense of detachment. Not an easy thing to do.

If it makes you feel any better this a common mistake with couples when they first start exploring non-monogamy. Polyamory is a whole different mindset.
 
Hello FrkMed,

It sounds like you are feeling nervous about developing feelings for this new guy. You must understand that developing feelings is a natural thing, even if you and your husband agreed that there would be no natural feelings, that's something that still could happen.

I think the important thing is to let your husband know that you are developing feelings for this new guy, your husband needs to be aware of this and needs to work with his own feelings about it. Then the two of you need to have a talk about what's okay, what can be acceptable with this new guy as far as you seeing him and whatnot. This is new to you, so you need to know what is okay with your husband. What he consents to.

It sounds like this is a new thing for you, this having feelings for another guy. In polyamory, that is okay to do. I hope the posts here will help you figure out what path you should travel. Keep us posted on your evolving situation.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
with everything you've written, what resonates the most is having the discussion with my husband about whether or not developing some kind of feelings are okay. I think that is the first step to finding our way through this.

Because my immediate reaction - and my feelings for a couple of days - after having sex with the new guy were that it was nothing like being with my husband, and I really missed my husband afterward, I feel like it was more the feeling of excitement over something new and sort of uncertainty and the chase which came a couple of days later, when I started to speculate on what to do next in this new relationship, that has caused this feeling of being torn. I don't believe that I have feelings for this guy in particular.

Like when I have dated in the past I begin to think about what the future with this person would look like in case it worked out and I feel like I'm repeating that pattern - and that the imagined future with this new guy looks better than what I have now with my husband, because the new guy has his life more together in many ways. Now I know that that's just my imagination and that it has no hold in the truth - I mean I don't even know this guy that well, so it's all in my head - but this has overshadowed my feelings for my husband in the past couple of days. Does that make sense?
 
A development tonight has been that I made arrangements to maybe see the new guy again this weekend and gave my husband a heads up. He replied that it was ok, but that he did not want to hear about it because he misses me and feels vulnerable.

I know he feels vulnerable right now, because he doesn't know what to do with his life right now in terms of his career. It has generally been a rough time for him these past 6 months, and I've been gone for most of them, working abroad.

The first time I saw the guy (two weeks ago) my husband was interested in hearing about it and very ok with it. He also said it was fine that I saw the guy again, but that he wants to know because otherwise, it would be keeping something from him. These past days he has been missing me a lot, which probably makes him more vulnerable. However, earlier today we talked about some plans that he might have with a woman on monday. Now just because he has plans, I don't think that that gives me the right to not consider his feelings towards me being with someone else. Sometimes we'll be in different places, different moods and that matters.

Now I really do feel like I should cancel with the new guy, so that my husband knows that he's my priority. Especially because he feels extra vulnerable these days and it's the first time for both of us that one of us is seeing someone else. On the other hand I feel like I need to demystify this new guy by seeing him again.



I'm also just sort of afraid that I realized today that I'm not actually happy with my marriage and that this is what it's all really about. These past 6 months have been rough on me too. I just feel really uncertain. So maybe this is not the time to be exploring something new with someone else, but instead figure out how I feel about my husband. I've never seriously doubted my relationship with him before.

Wow, this has really just... started a whole lot of emotions, thoughts and doubts in me.
 
FrkMed said:
I'm also just sort of afraid that I realized today that I'm not actually happy with my marriage and that this is what it's all really about. .....I've never seriously doubted my relationship with him before. Wow, this has really just... started a whole lot of emotions, thoughts and doubts in me.
Click to expand...

This is really common here:

One spouse in the couple is struggling to keep feelings in check because the open marital relationship agreement was for sexy fun only. A few dates into the sexy-fun-only relationship and the spouse is under water with an ocean of feelings, many of which include questions about the existing marriage. Polyamory seems to be a new way of providing a soft transition between monogamous relationships. I'm not inferring that this new guy is your new one-and-only and I'm not inferring that your marriage is on the rocks - those are questions for you and you alone to follow up on. I'm just mentioning that this scenario is happening more and more frequently as polyamory comes to be a more visible option. I, myself, was "poly" during the years that my marriage was in question because I just could not fully accept that I wanted to leave it. "Polyamory" provided a soft transition for me while I worked it all out, which took a number of years. This seems to be the case for more and more couples as the people transition out of a beloved long term relationship and eventually find themselves monogamously drawn to another.
 
Thanks, Karen. What you wrote resonates with me.


I guess I just feel really lost right now. Like my heart is making knots.


Would you - all of you, who are reading this - advice me to stop seeing the new guy until I have sorted out whether or not I'm happy in my marriage? A part of me doesn't want to stop seeing him because I'm hoping that seeing him will help me see clearer what's going on, but another part of me feels like I need to sort out myself and my relationship with my husband. Like that would be the more noble thing to do for everyone involved.
 
I guess my vote is to keep seeing the new guy for the moment. However, you might want to forewarn the new guy that you might stop seeing him at some point, such as if you need to clear your head in order to figure out where you stand with your husband. If the new guy knows that that's a possibility, and accepts whatever you have for him, then it is okay because you have his consent. Hopefully that makes sense.
 
I am really good at compartmentalizing and don't "catch feelings" easily or often - so friends-with-benefits, lover-friends, and other grey zone relationships are not distressing to me. Some people prefer more defined relationships.

However, it is often said that polyamory (and, I am sure, other forms of ethical non-monogamy) shine light on all the cracks and crevices in an existing relationship. When you are doubting and uncertain is, I think, a bad time to be adding more people to the mix. ("Relationship Broken, Add More People" is a recipe for suffering - this is a common poly meme.)

Your initial reaction was that you missed your husband's touch, new guy was different, but not "making love". Now that your NRE (New Relationship Energy) hormones have kicked in - your brain is naturally exploring the idea of future plans and romanticising this new guy (who, admittedly, you don't really know). NRE is a notoriously BAD time to make life-changing decisions!

NRE is a natural response to interacting with someone you are attracted to - it fuels the desire to get to know people and learn more about them (and makes "the chase" exciting), BUT if you are already noticing "cracks" in your marital foundation then my advice is to slow down and address those issues FIRST. If that means cancelling with new guy and reconnecting with husband, then do that. If that means meeting up with new guy but NOT sharing sex - just getting to know him as a person (demystifying), then do that. If you don't trust yourself to follow through on whatever boundaries you have set for yourself (a common issue with NRE) then you have to set yourself up for success. (For instance, if you decide to meet up with him without sex, schedule something with a friend for after the date so you can't go home with him...or whatever.)

Your NRE hormones tell you that this guy could be exceptional, you don't want to let him be the "one that got away"; it sounds trite, but there really are plenty of other fish in the sea - if you firm up your current relationship with your husband and decide to continue the open (or poly) option then you will be able to offer yourself as a confident, healthy dating partner who knows what they want and what they can offer. (And are likely to attract the same.)

Jane("I-actually-hate-NRE")Q
 
So the newest development is that these NRE made me unafraid to lose my husband. Throughout our entire relationship, I have put aside my own feelings and needs in order to meet his, because I was afraid of losing him. This is something that I do in every relationship in my life - past boyfriends, friends, my parents, my boss etc. My husband deals with returning periods of depression and has never been in treatment. He also has social anxiety. In the past 6 months, this has gone from bad to worse, but I have just tried to give him space and not put too much pressure on him as I was afraid that would make things worse.

So meeting this new guy just got me thinking that there are other possibilities for me and that I could be happier. I could be in a relationship that was probably easier - but at the same time, some of the issues I have in my current relationship would just replicate themselves in any new relationship. I know that what I feel for this new guy are just NRE hormones. I saw him again once since I wrote here and I my feelings didn't change. On Monday my husband is coming to visit me and I have told the new guy this.

What has been a very positive development is that because I am no longer afraid of losing my husband I have for the first time shared with him how I feel about his depression and how it affects me. This has resulted in him asking me to help him start treatment and we have already talked to his doctor and made an appointment. This is something that I never imagined would happen in the way it has and it gives me hope that things can change for the better. For the first time, my husband also sees some kind of possibility for change in his mental health, and he feels relieved and hopeful. We both know that it is a lot of work but just getting him to the doctor is a huge step for us.

I also realize that if treatment doesn't work or make things better then I have done everything I could to try and help him and save our marriage, so if I leave then it won't be because I fell in love with someone else (or panicked over NRE), but because I have to take care of myself, my health and my needs.

In conclusion, this NRE panic and adding a new guy to the mix has led to some positive change in my life, because I no longer feel so dependent on my relationship with my husband and was willing to sacrifice it for my own well-being, if that makes any sense...

Thanks to everyone who has written here.
 
Thanks for that update, it seems that things are looking up and you are getting your priorities sorted out. I hope your husband's treatment works out for him but even if it doesn't, you know that you have to take care of you.
 
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