Seeking advice, poly dynamic changing fast, feeling insecure

M

Mr.Funke

New member
I am 31/M. My partner, 26/F, of 2.5 years has been poly and interested in kink since before we met. She's my first poly relationship. Her partners were in a different country.

We became NP's pretty early on. I briefly dated someone else, but beyond that, our relationship has been functionally monogamous, for the most part. One of her overseas partners broke up with her and she's become more platonic with the other.

I'm a student, and live out of town for 8 months a year. When I'm at school, we only see each other every 5/6 weeks.

Recently, while I was still at school, she told me over the phone that she was interested in dating more people. A week later, she already had dates lined up with people who live much closer than I do, when I'm at school. These new partners are much more experienced in poly and kink than me.

She also mentioned she might have unprotected sex with some of these partners.

I am feeling very insecure/intimidated with her dating and having sex with more experienced people. I'm really uncomfortable with her having unprotected sex. She said everyone would screen for STDs beforehand, but that has not helped my anxiety about it. She's not on birth control, and I haven't had a vasectomy, so we have never had unprotected sex. I'm assuming one of these new partners has had a vasectomy and they've already discussed having unprotected sex.

The idea that she'd be doing something so physically intimate with others and not with me is depressing me. I'm worried that the anxiety I feel about her having sex with people who are more experienced in kink than me (especially unprotected) will cause me to struggle being intimate with her going forward. It's already massively impacted my sex drive. The last time we tried to be intimate, I couldn't perform, because all I could think about was that she'd be having better sex with others and that our sex would never be as good.

I'm worried I will always feel sexually inferior/inadequate. This has been destroying my self-esteem. I want her to be happy, but I can't help but feel depressed by these new changes. What should I do?
 
Hello Mr.Funke,

I think you need to tell your partner to slow down. Sure you knew she was poly, but you had no idea the polyness would emerge so suddenly or so fast. You deserve a chance to adjust to the change without it hitting you on the side of the head like a brick. Tell your partner to slow down.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
So, you knew you were dating a poly woman, but it didn't really bother you or impact you, because her two other partners were very long distance, even farther away than you are when you're at school. Had she even ever met those people irl?

I have more questions. It's hard to maintain a relationship that is mostly long distance. How much more time do you have to spend away at school before you can live with her full time? Have you made any long-term commitments or plans? Is she working, or also a student? After college, do you plan to only seek work in her area, the place you call your nest? What if you can't find work locally? Will you keep doing a LDR with her?

Those are relationship issues that anyone, mono or poly, could have. Now, on to the poly concerns.

It's valid to become fluid bonded if pregnancy and transmission of STDs are not a concern. However, most people wouldn't take that step before getting to know a dating partner quite well, and understanding and trusting in their safer sex practices with others, especially if those dating partners practice non-monogamy. This should be thoroughly discussed and negotiated with your NP/gf. And of course, you have the right to use condoms with her from now on, if she is fluid bonding with others, to protect yourself on your end.

Edited to add: of course, if you are so upset about her now dating local people, to the point where you have ED with her, you using condoms is... moot. If you want to stay with her, you need to educate yourself about polyamory, and dig into your jealousy and insecurity issues, stemming from comparing yourself to her others, and assuming you won't make the cut. I recommend you take a look at our Golden Nuggets forum, read a few articles and books and archived threads around the topics of security and jealousy.

 
Hi Mr Funke, welcome.

Sorry to hear that you feel this way.
I am wondering how long you and NP have been together doing polyamory, and if you were doing some hierarchy of some sort? Do you feel displaced because partner is seeing other people on a local level and it was easier before because there was a distance between her and her other partners?

Sex hygiene needs to be discussed, but every dyad should be able to decide to go at their own pace and enjoy the NRE. I think this is more about you being comfortable about yourself and your partner doing poly rather than other issues related to sex.

Your partner is being responsible by informing you about sex hygiene with potential partners in the future, that doesn't mean she will be having unprotected sex right now. It is up to you how would you feel about that moving forward. Open communication is important, you could ask her to to slow down on the sex front if she is willing.
 
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