Seeking Advice: Struggling with Lost Potential Feeling and How to Proceed

illuminarme

New member
Hello! I'd really appreciate some perspective on a situation that I'm in.

I have been dating this partner for 16 months; we became anchor partners in September of 2022. He is in a long-term marriage of 18 years with two kids that I love dearly. To start his wife and tried to build a relationship, but she did some incredibly harmful and triggering things (repeatedly talking crap about my partner to me without informing him of the concerns after I set the boundary to not do this multiple times, etc.) and I had to set up some major no contact boundaries. This was in March of 2022. Since then, my partner and I have done really well with the no contact, but I've been struggling with the idea of not being at important things for the kids (e.g., sports games, holidays) and also feeling like I'm constantly running away from this partner and that she's controlling my time when I'm at his place since we can't safely be in proximity.

I've also be told about many harmful things his wife has done to him and, I know, I know, not my circus, not my monkeys, but it's really hard to think about his safety in that relationship. He's actually waffling in leaving the nesting relationship, deescalating it from anchor to specifically a nesting relationship. We tiptoe around what shared time with the other partner might be like (e.g., me coming to a kid's game), but then he struggles to talk about it and I'm struggling with the idea of that she has taken no accountability for doing really shitty stuff in front of the kids and worrying about this happening again and more harm coming my way.

This partner and I have a really magical relationship in so many ways; we share love languages and have so much fun together. We have similar interests and have similar long-term goals personally. We also built a lot of long-term goals based on this early in our relationship (e.g., RV life, buying a vacation property together, huge travel plans, supporting each other with work around our respective properties). When we're on, this feels like the most wonderful relationship I've ever had.
And then after my boundary setting, it seems like he recognized that we can't do many of these things and grieved this process much sooner than I did, but I'm still working with the grief. I'm struggling to stay present in our relationship now that he's told me that this process of not living together could be several years or more. He's let me know he's not the place for the grief that I'm experiencing, so I'm having to reduce our time together to take care of myself, which is also very triggering to both of us...

I'm feeling like I was led into creating a lovely future for our relationship that I really wanted specifically with this partner and having feelings of this being taken away from me and it really hurts. I'm not trying to rush what is a very complicated process for him with his nesting relationship and still it acts like such an obstructive pillar in my functioning in our relationship...
It seems like my options are:
  1. Cut my losses and run because this is too difficult to get through emotionally right now or
  2. Work on processing grief and re-establishing new normal in current relationship, working with obstructions.
I'm feeling really stuck and struggling to know how to proceed and get through this. I would really love to not leave this relationship. If you were in my shoes, how would you process through the grief? What would you ask my partner for in terms of support? What else would you do to take care of yourself? What else would you be thinking about in this situation?
 
I am sorry you struggle.

I mean this kindly, ok? You have a LOT of layers going on.

And your writing is kind of.... reticent? Some of these things are concerning to me.

I've also be told about many harmful things his wife has done to him and, I know, I know, not my circus, not my monkeys, but it's really hard to think about his safety in that relationship. He's actually waffling in leaving the nesting relationship, deescalating it from anchor to specifically a nesting relationship. We tiptoe around what shared time with the other partner might be like (e.g., me coming to a kid's game), but then he struggles to talk about it and I'm struggling with the idea of that she has taken no accountability for doing really shitty stuff in front of the kids and worrying about this happening again and more harm coming my way.

I can't tell from your writing what this is or what volume this is at. You don't have to say here but you could reflect.

After 16 mos... is this NRE fading? And you see him with true colors now and don't like what you see?
  • His behaviors stink and his partner's fed up with him and complaining to you about him and rightly so?
  • Her behaviors stink and he lets it slide and doesn't protect the kids from shitty things she does?
  • A combo? Both their behaviors stink?
Is it that you and your meta don't esp have a lot in common? Or she was oversharing and using you like a free therapist for her marriage problems? And he also tells you too much about his marriage problems trying to use you like free therapist? And it's easier to put your dislike on the meta than on the hinge or both?

Is it they have grown apart and circling the drain with the marriage? And don't have the sense to part ways peacefully? And you feel uncomfortable watching that go down from a front row seat?

Is it that she's abusive to him and the kids, and he's all people pleaser? So he's got you for a crutch now to help him endure his wonky marriage less lonely than before. Which improved things for HIM some. But then for you? Being in this messy poly V is sucking you dry?

Something else? A combo?

I can't tell what it is here.

For sure it's not sounding JOYFUL for you to be here. So why be here?

I'm feeling really stuck and struggling to know how to proceed and get through this. I would really love to not leave this relationship. If you were in my shoes, how would you process through the grief? What would you ask my partner for in terms of support? What else would you do to take care of yourself? What else would you be thinking about in this situation?

That's the thing. I see you would like behaviors to change so you COULD continue to stay here in a happier way. But it's not all on you, is it? Other people behaviors have to change.

In your shoes? I would tell myself it's only been 16 mos. I don't need to put up with wonky. To take care of myself? I'd bow out.

If I've become his crutch enabling him to put up with wonky? Where is his impetus to change?

I'd take me out of the equation, bow out, and tell him to look me up when he's actually free to poly date and offer me something healthy.

I'm not interested in being mixed up in some kind of weird.

I've also be told about many harmful things his wife has done to him

Does he have an actual therapist?

You cannot be his listener. You are INSIDE the system. It is not appropriate. You already set the boundary with his wife about her not complaining to you about him. You have to set it with him not to complain to you about her.

I've been struggling with the idea of not being at important things for the kids (e.g., sports games, holidays)

I won't let myself get emotionally attached to children that are not actually mine. Or let the children get too attached to me.

I'm kind to them if I see them, but nope. Not babysitting, not coming to their bdays, or school plays, or any of that. Happy to look at pix if the kid wants to show it to me, but no. Not letting them get too attached to me or me to them.

Taking on pseudo coparenting roles when I don't have any actual legal leg to stand on? That's me being careless with my emotional and mental health. And also the kids' healths. Allowing emotional bonds to form that some custodial parent can just whisk away on a whim.

Not up for that. Easier just to be nice to the kids WITHOUT getting that close.

I'm feeling like I was led into creating a lovely future for our relationship that I really wanted specifically with this partner and having feelings of this being taken away from me and it really hurts.

Yup. He promised you a bunch of things to dream on.

I'm struggling to stay present in our relationship now that he's told me that this process of not living together could be several years or more. He's let me know he's not the place for the grief that I'm experiencing, so I'm having to reduce our time together to take care of myself, which is also very triggering to both of us...

Now he's foot dragging on sorting out his marriage one way or the other. Either toward actual repair with a marriage counselor or actual divorce with a lawyer. So your dream future got bumped even further down on his list. Won't happen for years, if at all.

And he's bummed out if you choose prioritize your self care and choose not to be so available to him.

I'm not trying to rush what is a very complicated process for him with his nesting relationship and still it acts like such an obstructive pillar in my functioning in our relationship...

That's the thing. It doesn't have to be very complicated FOR ME.

If things are that bad with a meta? Where a very separate V is still not enough?

And he's just walking on tiptoe? Waffling? Won't take firm actions towards repair? Or firm actions towards divorce? He's willing to just waffle and tiptoe indefinitely?

I'm not. I can be decisive. Best I bow out and tell the hinge to look me up when he is ACTUALLY free to poly date as a divorced coparent living in his own home.

He will either get it together or not. I'm not rushing him any.

But I get ME out of the "dragging it on and on" thing. I also won't be waiting on bated breath.

I can go function in MY life without these obstacles or having to tiptoe or be weird.

and also feeling like I'm constantly running away from this partner and that she's controlling my time when I'm at his place since we can't safely be in proximity.

I would choose how to spend my own time. Become firm of purpose.

  • Continue to date him. Dial down the frequency. And then only see him in public or at my place. I don't go to his shared home with her. So I don't have to deal with her or his tiptoe thing.

  • Or I break up and tell him to look me up when he's ACTUALLY divorced and free to spend time with me. So I don't have to deal with her or his tiptoe thing.

I get that the feelings might be hard to feel. But the actions are straightforward. I am in the path of the wonky weird or I am not in the wonky weird.

I like dealing with things firmly. I dislike dragging things out. I'm not you though.

You have to decide how YOU want to deal with things in your situation.
 
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Hello illuminarme,

Your partner's wife sounds like a toxic person, and I wonder if it wouldn't be more healthy for your partner to break up with her. You have very compatible plans with your partner, you shouldn't just throw that away. He's not in the same place as you are for grief, so you need to hold him accountable for that. It's not fair that he doesn't need to cope with grief, and you do. Especially when he says this may take several years.

Your options seem to be, to
  • cut your losses and run because this is too difficult to get through emotionally right now, or
  • work on processing grief and re-establishing new normal in current relationship, working with obstructions.
Neither option seems to be beneficial for the way you are feeling, hence both feelings are bound to leave you uncrossed, you cut and run. I advise you to cut and run. Your partner seems to want you to work on processing grief and re-establishing new normal.

I'm sorry you have to go through this.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I have been dating this partner for 16 months; we became anchor partners in September of 2022. He is in a long-term marriage of 18 years with two kids that I love dearly.
Its quite unusual to be "anchor partners" with someone who is in a long term marriage and living with his wife and kids. Most would consider them to be anchor partners and you to be a well established secondary style relationship.

Then the way you go on to describe your relationship with the kids just doesn't seem realistic considering you don't speak to their mother.

He's a married man with a family. It's very unlikely he will be able to build this life with you that you've spoken of.

You're blaming the wife but really, this dude has spun you a line.
 
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