Seriously considering I might be poly

A

alwaysme

New member
Sorry, this probably is the #1 post you see here.

Currently I am single, so there is no monogamous relationship I need to worry about changing. Obviously, growing up, I always assumed that I would be happy in a relationship with one other person. Well, after years of dating, two engagements, a marriage and a divorce later, I am starting to wonder if maybe monogamy isn't for me.

Perhaps someone here can address my major concern. On those rare occasions when life has thrown me another massive curveball, will I be able to get the emotional support I need at that time in a polyamorous relationship? Usually I like my space. From some guys, I like I lot more space than they are comfortable giving. However, every so often, usually just for a bad night, I need to be the center of someone's attention. Can you ask that of someone in a polyamorous relationship?
 
alwaysme said:
Will I be able to get the emotional support I need... in a polyamorous relationship? Usually I like my space... However, every so often... I need to be the center of someone's attention. Can you ask that of someone in a polyamorous relationship?
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Part of the reason I'm here is that I have a similar attitude to yours. I'm new, as well. I was told in the Introductions forum that being a secondary partner may satisfy my need for space without hurting anyone's feelings.
 
I like the saying, "Polyamorous relationships are just like monogamous relationships, only there are more people."

In polyamory, you can definitely have everything you would "expect" to have from monogamy, and often much more.

For example, suppose you have two serious boyfriends. One day, you learn some bad news that puts you in a personal crisis. You will then have not one, but two boyfriends who love you and would be willing to drop everything to come support you. Or if one of them happens to be away on business, the other one will still be there for you.

This is just an example, and is by no means "the reason" to "become" polyamorous, but it is definitely an advantage over a monogamous lifestyle.
 
nycindie said:
You can ask for anything you want in any kind of relationship.
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Very true. I am more wondering if it is a realistic expectation.

Several months ago, I broke up with a guy who wanted me to be his primary partner in a polyamorous relationship. While there were many other reasons we split, one of my concerns was that I would lose that in the relationship, that if I were having a hard time, he would choose to spend time with a partner who was more enjoyable to be around. I am having a hard time differentiating in my mind if these feelings were based more on the polyamorous direction the relationship was taking, or the fact that the relationship was falling apart for other reasons.

Currently, I am in a position where I could be a "secondary" partner (I assume that is still the correct term, even if I would be the 4th person in the relationship). In this case, I would not expect the same type of emotional support I want to eventually find. I was thinking that this could be a safe way, because I would not be as emotionally invested as I was in the previous relationship, to explore the whole idea of poly. I am just a little scared to deviate from what is familiar to me.
 
Quality of partners is less an issue of polyamory versus monoamory, and more an issue of individual personalities.

In a monoamorous relationship, a partner could be unsupportive and unable to deal with your crises. They might choose to stay longer hours at work, hang out with friends, or just go to sleep.

That's not to say polyamorous partners are some kind of superheroes that magically know exactly what you need and come to your rescue and solve all your problems. We're just as screwed up as the rest of the world. :p But being poly does not make us inherently more so.

I try to be careful about things like "asking for anything you want in a relationship." It sets up unrealistic expectations of perfection. No relationship is perfect, and there will always be compromises. It's important to have boundaries and needs, of course, but to me the wording "ask for anything" implies putting requirements and limitations on your partners that may be unrealistic.
 
I ask for what I need and require, and my partners do the same. When I ask, they respond honestly about whether or not they can give me what I am asking for. If they can't, or can only give so much, I don't whine about it. I don't act selfishly, or lash out like a child. I respect that choice and find someone else who can help me. In return, I give as much as I can, willingly. It becomes a win-win situation.

I have seen monogamous relationships with much less of this, as well as ones that are structured like this. Polyamorous or monoamorous, it's a choice in how one does relationships.

The thing with poly, for me, is that there are more loves in my life to rely on when I need something. Please note that it depends on the need. I always wonder first how my request will affect my loves before asking. I consider if I can do it myself, and I always get to the heart of what it is I need. Usually it's related to needing their time or emotional support.
 
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nycindie said:
You can ask for anything you want in any kind of relationship.
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"Ask for what you want. You might get it!" That's one of my personal mottos.

I find, for my own sanity, that I need to ask for what I want. But I also try to manage my expectations and reactions. I ask Oil Man to go to events or on dates frequently. Most of the time he is not available because of work. I know that, and so I don't expect him to accept. But I ask anyway, because then I feel like I'm not just sitting around waiting for him to get around to me. (Oil Man certainly doesn't expect me to do this. That's my own stuff.)

And because I ask for what I want, but realize that the answer may be "no" or "not now," I also have little problem saying "no" myself.
 
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Thanks, everyone. I am thinking the only way I am ever really going to know if this if for me is to give it a try. Since I am not currently with anyone, now is probably a good time to go out there and see what I think. Worst case, it does not work out, and I will have learned a little more about myself.
 
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