Sex & Desire

A

azorkanesbrat

New member
I'm going to start by saying right off the bat that this is a *bad week* emotionally for me. Really bad. Probably should have taken Thursday off bad.

However.

Azorkane has had a waning libido over the last 6 months or so. He attributed it to stress. There was a LOT of stress in our lives. Most of that has been let go, and now it's just the normal day to day, pay the bills, manage the kids type of stress.

Since dating Amber - his libido has popped back up so to speak. Unfortunately dating Amber has coincided with the major stress going away.

My problem is - the last couple nights - he's not had much desire - and it's just me and him. But he's been exhausted, we had to have a *discussion* the night before last, and so I'm not sure if the timing was wrong or what.

Like I said - bad week for me emotionally - I'm feeling like his libido is attached to Amber right now. When he and I are together - there's none. When he spends time with her, it's there in spades.

I could be wrong. I hope I am. But this is a crappy crappy week and I need him. I need him to be present. I need him to want me. I need the connection. I desperately need the connection.

The problem with being self-aware - is that I second guess myself a lot - am I feeling this way because?? or is my perception fucked because the emotions are off right now in general???

Anyhow - I'm trying to just enjoy the ride so to speak - but I do need that connection with him, and I'm trying hard not to lose my freaking mind over it.
 
First, I'm sorry you're feeling disconnected from Azorkane right now. I can definitely empathize with that.

Before Hubby and I opened our marriage, he had a pretty low sex drive. (That was actually one of the reasons he suggested opening the marriage, because he wanted sex a lot less often than I did.) But after the first time he slept with our friend "Betty," all of a sudden he was insatiable. He went from wanting sex maybe once a week if that, to wanting it three or four times a week, and he went from completely bland, gentle sex to being more forceful and even a little Dommish. (Which was cool with me, because that's kinda my thing.)

And then, after a month or so of not having sex with anyone besides me, he reverted to the old ways.

Stress can definitely impact sex drive. And even when the stress lets up, in a marriage/cohabitation situation, you're still with the person you were with when you were dealing with the stress, and it can sometimes take a while to get the equilibrium back. Also, with a long-term live-in partner, no matter how hard you try, sometimes sex becomes predictable and sometimes it becomes taken for granted, like "This person loves me and is going to sleep with me no matter what."

But, with a new partner, or a partner you don't have a complete life with, sex is shiny and exciting. "Hey, this person thinks I'm sexy, and they don't have to!" That was the case with Hubby; with me, sex had become predictable and kind of a given, whereas with Betty, there was "proof" that he was still desirable, which gave him more confidence and more motivation to try things and go a little outside the box.

Azorkane's libido may be higher when he's spent time with Amber because of that factor. If I remember right from your other posts on here, he doesn't have the same life or the same amount of time with her as with you, and so somewhere in his mind, possibly he's feeling excited and more desirable because Amber doesn't "have to" want him but does anyway.

You say you and Azorkane had a "discussion"... was that about the stressors or about sex? Or something else altogether?

If you haven't talked to him about the libido thing, I would strongly suggest it, and I would phrase it to him exactly as you have here. "I need to feel like you're present with me. I need our connection."
 
Have you told him your needs?
 
I feel your pain, but from a different side of this situation.

In my situation, I think I "am" Azorkane in the sense that I always feel more sexually aroused by new partners and I tend to have a low sex drive with my steady partner of 2 years. This makes him feel really terrible, but I can't explain it except its like what KC43 said; something new and shiny is always more exciting. That does not mean that he should ignore your needs of course. I think its okay to tell someone that you need special attention because of a certain situation. I hope that he will understand.

As far as the difference between "old" and "new" partners, its something I'm still trying to wrap my mind around personally. I love my boyfriend of 2 years so much and I'm very attracted to him sexually, but there is no comparison to the excitement I feel when having sex with someone new...you have the opportunity to explore and discover what makes someone tick and you discover possibly new ways that you never imagined you would feel because you're with a different person. I've recently started to imagine if this has something to do with the thrill of the conquest- you know- like feeling empowered that someone chose you when they dont "have" to. This seems super ego centric and coming from a place of insecurity...like am I trying to prove my worth? I have no idea...sorry if I'm rambling, but I'm trying to help by explaining maybe some of the things your partner is feeling.
 
azorkanesbrat said:
Anyhow - I'm trying to just enjoy the ride so to speak - but I do need that connection with him, and I'm trying hard not to lose my freaking mind over it.
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My point of view is that you would be better off looking at why you need this person to keep from losing your freaking mind.

Having people in our lives is fantastic, they can encourage us, supports us, invigorate us, challenge us to be better, you name it. However, once we have become dependent on someone to make us feel normal... we have crossed into an unhealthy realm.

We all have bad weeks and unfortunately we all (hopefully infrequently) have earth shattering bad weeks, like the one I presume you have had. It is valuable to have people we can lean on in these times of weakness. However, I am not entitled to that persons time or energy just because I've had it in the past and I want it currently. We can ask, but have to understand that every person who is not us, has their own life and we are never... exactly *never* entitled to their time just because we are in need. We can hope for it and babble our undying gratitude to them when we get it, but in the end they are not responsible for fixing whatever broken shit is going on in our lives.

I include romantic partners in this group.

azorkanesbrat said:
My problem is - the last couple nights - he's not had much desire - and it's just me and him. But he's been exhausted, we had to have a *discussion* the night before last, and so I'm not sure if the timing was wrong or what.
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People have desires which can change from situation to situation. My sex drive, for example, changes from situation to situation and person to person. I'm not sure what this "*discussion*" was, but I'm skeptical that it was likely to increase his sexual interest in you (assuming that was what the discussion was about).

Be mindful of what your expectations are and how much you are depending on others to determine your sense of security for you.
 
While I agree with much of what Marcus said, I would add the caveat that it depends on the initial source of your dissatisfaction. If you had a bad week at work or something outside of you and your partner, it is terrific if he is present and willing to help you with it, but perhaps should not be an expectation. However if your shitty week is due to feeling disconnected from your partner, then yes, it is up to both of you to maintain connection. After all, if the connection is not maintained, then what is the point?

I may be mis-understanding your post, but it seems to me you may be experiencing some of both. It might be helpful to tease out what is just shitty week stuff and what is relationship stuff.
 
If his libido isn't high right now but you crave that sexual intimacy can you do some toy play? How about a weekend away together? Or a day trip to somewhere sexy?
 
You know exactly why this week is hell honey.
He knows too-but he isn't going to be AS CONSCIOUS of it as you-because it isn't his grief.

You need to tell him straight forwardly-

"This week, I need the focus on me" (maybe this month). He's not a fool, he loves you and you know it.
But he isn't a mind reader either (even if he is sometimes fantastic). He needs you to be clear that right now, in this moment, there's a huge emotional tug of war and you really need him to be fully present and in the moment with you while you work through that emotional struggle again.

There is NOTHING wrong with that.
Other posters don't know-and I don't know what is reasonable to specifically say.

But I know exactly why this week is hell for you & why you need the extra support.
HE needs you to say it.
It seems ass backwards, we want our partners to KNOW when we need them to be strong for us.
But that isn't the way it works because they aren't us, they don't feel the emotions we are feeling.

So tell him- "Right now, I NEED YOU to be FULLY PRESENT, TO WANT ME, TO BE STRONG FOR ME, TO BE WITH ME, in fact, to keep me here with you, with what today's reality is, so I don't get lost in the reality of two years ago and all that has been lost."

Don't feel like he's failing by not seeing that's what you need.
Don't feel like you are being a jerk by saying it either.
Just accept that it is what you need and that he does need you to be clear, concise and to verbalize exactly what you need right now.

HUGS
I know internet hugs suck in comparison to real life hugs-but I'm sending you lots of hugs!
 
Are you mono? It sounds as if you have a LOT of needs here. Being with a poly person means having to take care of some of your needs yourself (though your partner certainly doesn't sound like he's balancing well).
 
It's ok to have needs. We all do. Even poly people. And I understand wanting to have connection with one's partner. That connection may or may not be expressed through sex.

Do you feel connection primarily through sex? (Lots of people, mono or poly, do.) Or can you feel connected with him in other ways? Shared activity, non-sexual touch, something else?

That connection is so important. The loss of connection is the primary reason I eventually ended things with my ex-boyfriend. That, and the refusal to spend more time to rekindle that connection. (I'm someone who needs time to feel connected, if I don't have enough time with a partner, the connection starts to fray for me.)

Yeah, poly does often mean figuring out how to meet one's own needs. But this is not just a minor concern.
 
Inyourendo said:
its got to be extra hard when your needs arent being met but they go on to have sex with someone else
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Yes! Unacceptable, in my book. NRE, what the fuck ever. You don't get to slack off on having sex with me because of the new and shiny. I would work work work on getting the sex hot again with a poly partner who had this issue. And if we couldn't get the spark back, if they cared so little for me they'd ignore my raging horniness and sensuality and go off and fuck new person, it would be a dealbreaker. Period.
 
Inyourendo said:
its got to be extra hard when your needs arent being met but they go on to have sex with someone else
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Everyone has needs, and most of them are pretty similar. One of those needs is a sense of worth and acceptance, which can be achieved regularly if the source is internal and leads to emotional issues if we try to gain this sense of worth from other people. This "need" to have a particular person do a particular thing otherwise we will "lose our freaking minds" is imagined.

You [OP] don't have a "need" for your husband to fuck you or perform whatever ritual you have in your head 2.3 times per week or you'll go nuts. You have what I would call a suspect need for validation through a specific set of actions from a particular person. This is a self esteem hole which can be filled by another person but becomes painfully evident when that person doesn't act in a particular fashion.

Work on looking at your "needs" as something that YOU need to address and stop depending on other people to fulfill them for you. In my opinion, this is a better long term strategy for feeling secure and whole.

Magdlyn said:
I would work work work on getting the sex hot again with a poly partner who had this issue. And if we couldn't get the spark back, if they cared so little for me they'd ignore my raging horniness and sensuality and go off and fuck new person, it would be a dealbreaker. Period.
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It's good to know what our limitations are. Me, I don't have a hard limit that a partner has to fuck me before it reaches the dealbreaker level. The very last thing I would be interested in is putting "work" into having sexual interest in them or vice versa... what a gross scenario that would be! I prefer to look at people as fully autonomous humans who have interests, lose interests, gain interests, and fluctuate naturally between them.

It's all a matter of personal expectations.
 
Yes, Marcus, and you know I disagree with you 99% of the time. This is one more time. Humans are social beings. We CAN'T meet our own needs for social acceptance. If we didn't have a need for some sort of social acceptance and bonding and just plain old help, AT LEAST from our mate, we'd all just get together once a year in heat, fuck, conceive, and go off again.

Needing too much validation from others is of course, problematic, but in this case, I don't believe she needs too much, just SOME.

We can argue with the difference between need and desire til the cows come home. Sexual release, and/or the bonding and stress reduction that comes with the sense of touch, with a partner, is a desire, a drive, so strong in many people, in my opinion, it deserves as much recognition as a need. Babies that don't get enough touch wither and die. I do not think masturbating alone in one's room while our chosen partner is out shagging some other person, and ignoring this person they've committed to alone and lonely, is a physically healthy choice.

You're too quick to offer the idea of "Just meet your needs yourself!" Or, "You're poly, go have sex with someone else."

have interests, lose interests, gain interests, and fluctuate naturally between them.
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And the OP, who wants to bond with her chosen partner but is instead regularly on the sidelines when he goes off to do the sexy time with someone else, is just supposed to, um, watch him do it and not speak up? Don't "work" at reminding him of the spark they had and that she still wants? Geez, we'd all have 1 year relationships if that is the case. Break up after NRE passes. How tiresome and immature that would be. Sparks can come back with work. I was in a 30+ year relationship and sometimes the spark would get quite small, especially after having 3 kids in 5 years. I could and did just sit idly by as it came near to dying, but then got energy and worked at getting it back, through things like expectations for regular date nights and weekend getaways.
 
For me sex is something I need for intimacy with my partner, without intimacy the relationship suffers. I feel whether needs being met within or externally is moot in this kind of situation. Is my partner is ignoring my needs (or wants) with the excuse of low libido but they can muster to have enough libido for the other then i would make me pretty pissed. This would definitely cause all sorts of issues in our relationship.
 
Magdlyn said:
And the OP, who wants to bond with her chosen partner but is instead regularly on the sidelines when he goes off to do the sexy time with someone else, is just supposed to, um, watch him do it and not speak up? Don't "work" at reminding him of the spark they had and that she still wants? Geez, we'd all have 1 year relationships if that is the case. Break up after NRE passes. How tiresome and immature that would be. Sparks can come back with work. I was in a 30+ year relationship and sometimes the spark would get quite small, especially after having 3 kids in 5 years. I could and did just sit idly by as it came near to dying, but then got energy and worked at getting it back, through things like expectations for regular date nights and weekend getaways.
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You think my approach is immature, I think your approach is gross. It's the differences that make this world grand :)

In a perfect world, my letting a relationship shift according to the ever-changing personalities and lives of the people in it should be the order of the day. If my partner is busy, not currently interested, or any number of motivations which leads to a decrease in sexy time with me, I need to be ok with that. It doesn't mean that we need to break up, it just means that how we relate is changing, at least for the time being.

As I said before, it's just about our expectations. I don't have an expectation that a relationship is going to continue down the same path that it began. To each his own.
 
People obviously have different expectations for their relationships.

In my opinion, there is no right or wrong way to go about a relationship, as long as everyone in THAT RELATIONSHIP understands and agrees with one another as to how that relationship should go. If the OP and her guy understood and agreed that in spite of other partners they would continue to be physically intimate with each other and meet each other's needs, either that needs to be happening or a redefining of the relationship needs to occur.

We all have our own opinions about how a relationship "should" work, but that doesn't mean one person has to follow what another person believes or does. And it doesn't mean we have to agree with each other, but it might help if we accepted and respected that other people have different ways of conducting their relationships and it isn't "right" or "wrong."
 
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KC43 said:
Telling her that she has no right to expect that, or that she's insecure for wanting/needing it, is judgmental and not helpful to her.
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I'm a stranger on a discussion board on which another stranger offered their personal story and asked for input. I have given my input. If you think what I've said is "judgmental and not helpful", that's your personal assessment and you are welcome to it.

KC43 said:
We all have our own opinions about how a relationship "should" work, but that doesn't mean one person has to follow what another person believes or does. And it doesn't mean we have to agree with each other, but it might help if we accepted and respected that other people have different ways of conducting their relationships and it isn't "right" or "wrong."
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As far as I can tell, no one here is telling anyone else how they need to live their lives. I don't see a need for the Courtesy Police to show up and start handing out tickets.

We're good here, just having a spirited discussion.
 
Only me. :) I absolutely am telling the OP what to do. :p

Everyone has valid points.
They key is in realizing that no one knows the whole story, just a snippet & solutions exist in the finer details and nuances of a relationship, details unavailable here.
The OP will reappear eventually. But dont be shocked if it takes a bit. This particular month is a doozy. She needs some extra tlc and support through this time and we may find she is too busy gettin that to post.

At any rate OP; I stand by my advice. Go tell him what you need right now. I think the timing is the issue much more than anything else. You know it is common for you to focus on the other issues besides your grief when emotions get high, self defense? Fear of being dragged under?
Panic attacks have increased I noticed and you are understandably remembering and possibly reliving the trauma right now.

THAT is what is bringing you to an emotionally vulnerable place and allowing insecurities and fear to rise regarding Amber.
Focus on the real cause of your emotional vulnerability. This time is painful and reliving the terror and hurt and stress and strain etc is overwhelming. You need extra support through that. Expecting your partner to be a key part of that support and having him slide away simultaneously is too much.

So tell him point blank what you need.
So he can help.
Don't misplace the emotions & don't shy away from soeakin your truth either.
 
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