Sex rejection in open relationship

[Eva92]

Hello everyone,

I know that this forum is about polyamory, but I think you could also have the insight to say something about an (un)healthy open relationship.

My boyfriend and I are together for one year and we also live together. We were very sexually active in the beginning of our relationship and were happy to find out that we both have a high sex drive and are very experimental. We have an open relationship since eight months because my boyfriend feels the need to also openly express his sexual interest to other girls. I doubtfully agreed with it but I'm now quite happy for having this freedom (although it's not a 'must' for me). We've both already dated other people and I already had sex with someone else. My boyfriend usually only texts with other people and sends pictures, but doesn't find many girls who want to meet him in real life.

When we were together for already a few months and I moved in with him, I noticed that his sex drive lowered. I didn't understand what was happening but he told me that he was just tired and stressed. I had a really hard time coping with the rejection but didn't want to stop taking initiative. We've had some fights about this, and my boyfriend always told me that it was just a phase and that it was not my fault. Six months later, and nothing has really changed. There are times - especially in a period when we invite other people in our bed - when he shows me his sexual interest. But most of the time he only wants to have sex when he's really 'feeling' like it, which is about three or four times in one month. I already told him that for me sex is not only about being horny, but also about intimacy, connection, comfort or just having fun together. He doesn't seem te understand this. He constantly rejects me, mostly many days in a row, and never passionately kisses me or shows me his sexual interest. Sometimes I start making out with him, I feel he's getting excited but then he suddenly stops and wants to go to sleep.

Last two weeks were very hard for me and I tried to make up my mind about it. We have a very stable relationship, make a lot of fun together and there are no troubles sharing a household. The only problem for me is our sexlife. I decided to accept this issue and to stop blaming and pushing him. I love him very much and I don't think anyone should ever feel forced to have sex. So when he rejected me again for four days in a row, I didn't nag or criticise him. After a week, I felt more relieved, although it was still difficult to not feel insecure and hurt. This week, he told me that he's been sending nudes with some girl and that he will meet another girl in two weeks to have a drink and maybe end up having sex with. I can't describe how jealous and angry I suddenly felt. I realised that I want to compromise about our sexlife and make sacrifices, but that I can't do this when he still shows his sexual interest in other girls. I don't want to have a open relationship with someone who isn't sexually interested in me (or at least, doens't show it). When I told him, he showed regret, said that he can work it out and that he will show more interest in me. He promised me this before but didn't change his behaviour on the long term. I don't want him to feel forced to have sex with me, but I also don't want to continue like this while having an open relationship. Am I a bad, controlling or unfair girlfriend for feeling this way? What would be the best solution? Do you maybe have a different perspective on this issue that could help me?

Thanks (and I'm very sorry for the long story)!

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle.

FWIW? I don't think you are a "bad, controlling or unfair gf." I just think that you have found you are not deeply compatible for the long haul because he's got a different sex drive/frequency than you. He also sounds conflict avoidant. Or at minimum, doesn't deal with problems in the same way you do. He puts it off. You prefer to get it solved sooner rather than later.

This week, he told me that he's been sending nudes with some girl and that he will meet another girl in two weeks to have a drink and maybe end up having sex with. I can't describe how jealous and angry I suddenly felt

I could understand being annoyed. He has no energy for solving the problems here at home... but he does have energy to be courting other people? I could understand feeling a bit taken for granted.

We have a very stable relationship, make a lot of fun together and there are no troubles sharing a household.

This stuff you have in common? Might mean you are compatible in the short term, but might mean that for the long haul you are better off as roomies and/or friends who do those things together.

Because as dating partners it isn't the right fit. You don't get the romance you want here. And you wouldn't want him faking it just to avoid a break up or "go through the motions." That wouldn't be good for either of you.

It's unfortunate that you are not deeply compatible, but it is nobody's fault. Not everyone you date will be a long haul runner.

If you only want to have an open relationship with someone who IS sexually interested in you? Fair enough. You preferences belong to you. You are allowed to have them how you want for yourself. Other people can prefer the things THEY prefer for THEIR personal standard. When people date, they figure out what lines up and what does not, and if there's small gaps that can be overlooked or too big of gaps that cannot be overlooked.

If he doesn't meet your personal standard for what you want out of life/relationships/boyfriends? It is what it is.

When I told him, he showed regret, said that he can work it out and that he will show more interest in me. He promised me this before but didn't change his behaviour on the long term.

Sounds like you vote "no confidence" in him actually changing behaviors because past experience tells you he's all talk no action. If so?

Could stop having him be your BF. Could stop dating him so you can stop being in an open relationship with him in your network. Be something else instead -- good exes and friends.

Galagirl

 

[Eva92]

Thank you for your reaction!

This stuff you have in common? Might mean you are compatible in the short term, but might mean that for the long haul you are better off as roomies and/or friends who do those things together.

Because as dating partners it isn't the right fit. You don't get the romance you want here. And you wouldn't want him faking it just to avoid a break up or "go through the motions." That wouldn't be good for either of you.

That's the complicated part! The first thing we really had in common was our high sex drive and the way we want to express our sexuality in a relationship. All other aspects of our relationship had to grow and fortunately turned out just fine! I just don't understand what's wrong right now. He still states that his sex drive is higher than mine. When I ask him why he never initiates sex or rejects me, he doesn't seem to know the reason. He says that he still feels very attracted to me, but that he just "occasionally" doesn't feel like having sex with me.

Could stop having him be your BF. Could stop dating him so you can stop being in an open relationship with him in your network. Be something else instead -- good exes and friends.

That's an option, although I don't like thinking about it. That's the difficult part about relationships, right? Letting go when it isn't working out but you still love someone. I'm not afraid to be single again, but I just don't want to let go of him. I don't fall in love easily and these feeling towards him are very genuine!

This really helped me, so now I'll let my mind work on it.

 

[opalescent]

Eva92,

Actions speak louder than words when it comes to sex drive. He doesn't have a higher sex drive than you. What he has is a sex drive orientated towards novelty. Some people feel desire and sexiness most when 'chasing' potential new partners or the first few months of sexual exploration with a new partner. There isn't really anything wrong with this by itself. Most people really enjoy novelty, sexual or otherwise. However, if this is the primary - or only - way he experiences attraction, desire - it's not conducive for a romantic, intimate relationship.

It is not a coincidence that this went down when you moved in together. You are not the new partner anymore. And some men have the whole 'Madonna/whore' complex where they separate out women they want to have relationships with (live together, have children, etc.) from women they want to fuck. It seems to me you were the 'whore' and are now the 'Madonna'. (Sorry, that's terribly crude as well as offensive to sex workers and Catholics but it is a real thing.) Finally, quite a few people, poly and mono alike, chase that New Relationship Energy (NRE) high, constantly seeking it out.

There isn't anything wrong with you. You did not cause this. And you can't fix it. I would suggest there isn't anything wrong with him either. He's where he is right now. Galagirl is right in that you two are incompatible in what you want and how you experience relationships.

I also get the sense that both of you are relatively young? Please correct me if I am wrong. One of the most important 'life lessons' one can learn (at any age) is that love is not enough to sustain a relationship. That's a dangerous romantic myth. I believe that one of the reasons we have relationships is to learn things. This relationship might be teaching you that lesson. It is a hard lesson to learn though. I wish you the best.

 

[Eva92]

There isn't anything wrong with you. You did not cause this. And you can't fix it. I would suggest there isn't anything wrong with him either. He's where he is right now. Galagirl is right in that you two are incompatible in what you want and how you experience relationships.

I can imagine that this will be a problem in all his future relationships? I also wonder if there isn't any agreement to reach. I can live and love with the idea that his sex drive orientated towards novelty, as long as he is willing to combine it with showing sexual interest in me (at least twice a week)! Will there ever be one person who is compatible with me in every single way? I don't want to constantly seek for 'something beter' in my life. I think our individualistic society always makes us strive after perfection, while we need to realise that this is just an illusion. But, I agree that it's also possible that I cite this arguments because I want to make myself believe these things. You are right, and I do realise that we are young indeed: 24 and 26 years old.
It's hard to love someone this much, and at the same time read that other people think it would be best to break up. Don't get me wrong, I don't blame you and I'm very grateful for your honesty. These are things I have to think about, I can't make this decision right away.

 

[Lea]

I think the other question is, can you get to a place where you have a happy, healthy more platonic relationship with your bf that built is on what you do have in common, while your sexual needs are met in other relationships, and be comfortable with that?

Can you love him without the higher level of sex you desire, and be comfortable and secure even if he 'chases that NRE' with others?

As other said, it seems those needs are incompatible between you two. If that is something you can come to terms with and still enjoy the relationship for what it is and what it provides, then you would not have to break up. Instead, you would simply be embrace the shift, the change - and as we know, all relationships change over time.

 

[Eva92]

All the reactions I get here, areexactly the reason why I post a problem like this in a forum about polyamory. You all have a very different (and I would like to say: more healthy and down-to-earth) way to look at relationships!

I think the other question is, can you get to a place where you have a happy, healthy more platonic relationship with your bf that built is on what you do have in common, while your sexual needs are met in other relationships, and be comfortable with that?

Can you love him without the higher level of sex you desire, and be comfortable and secure even if he 'chases that NRE' with others?

I can love him like that, yes, I already do now! But it would be difficult because I still feel VERY attracted to him. And as I already wrote, I don't fall in love easily and sex for me isn't the same when I'm not in love. So I think this would only work when I really can also fall in love with someone else. As long as it is about casual sex, my sexual needs won't be met by someone else.

But I believe it could be a solution to let this transform into someting we both feel comfortable with. I need to give myself some time to think about it, and then will discuss it with him.
Thank you!

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Eva92,

It sounds to me like twice a week is your minimum for sex with your boyfriend. If so, then I would suggest telling him that outright, and then if he agrees to do it, give him a certain length of time and see if he does it. Three months maybe? I don't know. If he doesn't do it, and/or doesn't want to do it, then you have a hard choice to make ... stay with him and miss out on the sex you want indefinitely ... or break up with him. Anyway these are the choices as I see it.

Sorry he's put you on the back burner. I'm sure it hurt a lot when he started planning sex with other women.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.

 

[Eva92]

I'm just wondering: would it be normal for a guy in a relationship to have more sexual interest in other girls than in his own girlfriend? I know you can't generalize all men, but I'm curious about it. Maybe most men experience this but just don't have the freedom and possibilities to openly talk about it with their girlfriends.

It sounds to me like twice a week is your minimum for sex with your boyfriend. If so, then I would suggest telling him that outright, and then if he agrees to do it, give him a certain length of time and see if he does it. Three months maybe? I don't know. If he doesn't do it, and/or doesn't want to do it, then you have a hard choice to make ... stay with him and miss out on the sex you want indefinitely ... or break up with him. Anyway these are the choices as I see it.

In the beginning I wanted to make an agreement on 'how many times a week'. For me, 3 times a week would be just fine so I asked him his 'perfect' number and he said 4 times a week. So there wasn't really a solution... his answer just really didn't meet the reality.
To really state like: I want sex 2 times a week and I give you three months to 'grow into this habit' feels so wrong and demanding. I don't know if I could do it like that, but I will think about it. But if I'm going to act like that towards him, I don't even know if we can continue with our relationship.

 

[Shaya]

I'm no expert in sex, but I imagine for some men, the novelty of a new shiny girl might be more physically stimulating than on old lover. If this is a constant behaviour on his part, then it says more about his personality than it does about your desireability.

Thinking outside the box (using my monogamy thinking hat), sometimes men in monogamous relationship no longer want sex. It's hard on the man because society often says men should want sex, and as a man if you're surrounded by fellow men always talking about how much sex they want and you don't want it, then you start to feel something is wrong with you. I would like to discuss reasons why a man might not feel like having sex, and also how a man might react unconsciously as a defensive mechanism to feeling like not having sex.

1. Reasons why a man might not feel like having sex.
Again, I'm no expert in this, but I've heard that sometimes when men have the lower libido, it can be due to work or family stressors, dysthymia, depression, medication side effects, past traumas in life, childhood memories, abnormal parenting role models or just unhappiness with his current living dynamic. I'm sure there are other reasons as well. I suggest consulting Dr. Google.

2. How a man might react unconsciously as a defensive mechanism to realising that they're not manly enough.
Again, I have no idea if this is applicable to your boyfriend. But if I were a man with low self esteem, and was faced daily with my inadequacies in what I perceive to be a lack of manliness, I might try and fix my deficiency by saying "the problem's not with me. I'm super manly. The problem's with <insert blame on someone else.>" I would then try to fix this problem by trying to find the most arousing thing I can think of, which may very well be another woman. Insulting to you, I know, but when I'm feeling like it could be my manliness on the line, I'd be willing to try anything to prove my manliness and to prove there's nothing wrong with me. Again, I have no idea if this is a real thing that people go through, I'm just hypothesising, or brain storming.

In the end, I have no idea why your boyfriend is acting the way he is. I don't identify with anything he's feeling or going through at all. I'm just making stuff up.

In summary, if your boyfriend is chasing new shinies and has a history of doing this to his previous relationships, this says more about him than it does about you. There may be reasons why he has a lower sex drive than he might like. If he has insecurities about his sex drive, he may be compensating by trying to ramp up his sex drive through other means. And finally, I have no idea if I'm making crap up. I'd recommend a psychologist or sex therapist or couples counsellor.

Hope something I've said makes a little sense.

Cheers,
Shaya.

 

[Eva92]

I tried talking about it with my boyfriend. After many many questions and different ways to try to communicate about it, he told me why there are periodes he doesn't want sex. He said he often is scared to hurt me and that he wants to seek a good balance between attention for me and attention for other girls. He wants to feel free in his sexual interest in other girls, but wants to make sure that our relationship doesn't suffer from it. He often feels like he can't reach this balance, which makes him unhappy. As a result, he doens't feel like having sex. I tried to explain to him that his attention for other girls doesn't hurt me, as long as he doesn't reject me. So it's some kind of vicious cirkle (do you say it like that in English?): the cause and the outcome are the same. Is this someting we can try to fix? I asked him how I can give him the feeling he is more free, and he said he wants to sext more with other girls (we had a agreement before that he would stop doing that because it escalated and he lied about it to me). I agreed that he can do this. He also doesn't like me always bringing up the issues about sex or other problems. My answer was that I have strong feelings about things that happen between us and I want to openly talk about it. He doesn't feel that urge, so I asked him if he can at least try to communicate more in the future about what he thinks and feels. He said that he will try this.

Right now, I don't have a really good feeling about this, but I want to give it a chance. I made clear that I don't want to feel like the last few weeks ever again, that I want to feel like I can talk about what bothers me. He says that he doesn't think that much about things, that he just waits for a bad period to pass. He has the feeling that all the discussions about our issues only make them worse. He just wants to make fun, be relaxed about everything and have faith in our relationship without thinking to much about the few 'bad' things. I don't know how to feel about this...

In summary, if your boyfriend is chasing new shinies and has a history of doing this to his previous relationships, this says more about him than it does about you. There may be reasons why he has a lower sex drive than he might like. If he has insecurities about his sex drive, he may be compensating by trying to ramp up his sex drive through other means. And finally, I have no idea if I'm making crap up. I'd recommend a psychologist or sex therapist or couples counsellor.

I've proposed in the past to go to a therapist or cousellor together, but he didn't think it's necessary for us. We are 'only' together for one year, so why would we need this, was his argument.

 

[PinkPig]

It sounds to me like your bf wants all the perks of a relationship without the actual work. Strong, healthy relationships are strong and healthy because the people in them make them a priority and work on them even when the work isn't so much fun. I agree with the other posters, your bf does seem hooked on NRE and the pursuit of new, shiny. The period where everything is fun and new and full of potential.

 

[anamikanon]

My boyfriend and I are together for one year and we also live together.

I get the sense you moved in while you were still in NRE. That can send your assessments of suitability out of whack.

We were very sexually active in the beginning of our relationship and were happy to find out that we both have a high sex drive and are very experimental.

It is normal for the sex activity to be high in a new relationship. With time, it often (but not always) settles to a more low key routine.

We have an open relationship since eight months because my boyfriend feels the need to also openly express his sexual interest to other girls.

Is this before or after you moved in with him? Around the same time or what kind of gap?

When we were together for already a few months and I moved in with him, I noticed that his sex drive lowered. I didn't understand what was happening but he told me that he was just tired and stressed.

Several things seem to have happened around the same time - waning NRE, settling into a domestic routine, opening your relationship + any stresses and tiredness he was talking about. All of them alone or combined with others could cause a lower interest in sex. Everything seems to have hit at once.

I had a really hard time coping with the rejection but didn't want to stop taking initiative. We've had some fights about this, and my boyfriend always told me that it was just a phase and that it was not my fault.

You probably need more conversations around this. I get a sense this is something discussed often already and unproductively and there is a "rut" the conversation tends to go into. A fresh angle and determination to not slide back into things already said may help. Reaching a place where you both can state your realities and expectations calmly and without feeling defensive even if they are different would be a good start to figuring things out.

Six months later, and nothing has really changed. There are times - especially in a period when we invite other people in our bed - when he shows me his sexual interest. But most of the time he only wants to have sex when he's really 'feeling' like it, which is about three or four times in one month.

The two of you seem to be compatible while in NRE. Even if it is the situational excitement of a one off sexual encounter that is out of the routine. It could be something to harness in a more aware way. To "refresh" your relationship often by trying something different, paying more attention to each other, more "courtship" overall, sneaky portrait shot when he wasn't paying attention landing up on a wall, whatever....

I already told him that for me sex is not only about being horny, but also about intimacy, connection, comfort or just having fun together. He doesn't seem te understand this. He constantly rejects me, mostly many days in a row, and never passionately kisses me or shows me his sexual interest. Sometimes I start making out with him, I feel he's getting excited but then he suddenly stops and wants to go to sleep.

I think men and women approach sex differently. For example if a woman is not in the mood for sex and it doesn't happen - even several times in a row, it rarely is about her as a person and is more about her mood. I have found men overall a bit... harsh on themselves if they can't "deliver" on sex. I don't know if it is conditioning or biology and of course there are exceptions, but I find that if men haven't been able to have sex when asked, they tend to interpret a lot of things from that lens of "sex pending/imminent/failed/whatever". I don't pretend to understand it, but I've seen it often enough that I know there is something there and it matters a lot to them.

Situations like these I find men able to understand what they experience better than what they are told. A possible approach could be to plan something intimate (maybe not initially) and enjoyable and fun that is in a public or semi-public place and you aren't even planning to rush home if horny. So that takes "SEX" as a potential elephant in the room off the table and allows you to connect. Affectionate touches, looking into each other's eyes, laughing together.... allow you to feel intimate without him flinching in anticipation of having to deliver on sex as a consequence of engaging. Flirt, play. Keep it low stakes.

If that works, you could try it privately too. Introduce more affectionate but not sexual play into your house sharing that is going so well, and it can go on as far as he is comfortable and stop when he isn't, without him having to refuse or push you away etc if he panics about not being able to deliver on sex. Also worth experimenting other ways to get you off. Everything doesn't have to be PiV.

I wouldn't be surprised if the sex increased anyway if he stopped worrying about it. But don't expect it. Take it at his pace.

Last two weeks were very hard for me and I tried to make up my mind about it. We have a very stable relationship, make a lot of fun together and there are no troubles sharing a household.

This is a good thing.

The only problem for me is our sexlife. I decided to accept this issue and to stop blaming and pushing him. I love him very much and I don't think anyone should ever feel forced to have sex. So when he rejected me again for four days in a row, I didn't nag or criticise him. After a week, I felt more relieved, although it was still difficult to not feel insecure and hurt.

How is your sex life other than him? Is it possible for you to count on other partners for more sex? Feeling well sexed always makes everything else seem easier Masturbation helps too, if you put a bit of imagination into fucking yourself out of your wits.

On stray note, I've also found platonic and even completely un-relationship touch to help. Often when we feel neglected, ANY extensive and caring touch helps. Including pedicures and massages. The body is fairly dumb like that. Any and all touch that feels good works to help us feel more secure in ourselves - though it isn't sex or a solution to anything, of course. Just feels good and gives some space to not be thinking from total frustration.

This week, he told me that he's been sending nudes with some girl and that he will meet another girl in two weeks to have a drink and maybe end up having sex with. I can't describe how jealous and angry I suddenly felt.

WHOA. That's brutal.

How is he otherwise on sensitivity? Clueless and may be inadvertently insensitive? Sensitive, but lashes out if cornered? Usually sensitive and fair? Consistently insensitive to the point where sometimes you wonder if he wants to hurt you? Very sophisticated and sensitive and something like this would not be an accident, but deliberate put down?

A lot is going on with him and you. I don't know how you define open relationship as distinct from poly, but if there is a possibility of focusing on the two of you before adding more people, it should be considered - though likely not by canceling any plan he has already made, but at least other than that. It will complicate things.

What sort of an understanding do you have? DADT? Both free to have sex when/where you want? Both of you a committed couple, but not exclusive? Sex happy roomies with active sex lives, sometimes with each other? Both of you as each other's primary partners?

I realised that I want to compromise about our sexlife and make sacrifices, but that I can't do this when he still shows his sexual interest in other girls. I don't want to have a open relationship with someone who isn't sexually interested in me (or at least, doens't show it). When I told him, he showed regret, said that he can work it out and that he will show more interest in me. He promised me this before but didn't change his behaviour on the long term. I don't want him to feel forced to have sex with me, but I also don't want to continue like this while having an open relationship.

Also worth keeping in mind is that if he has a low sex drive when not in NRE, him avoiding other partners will not necessarily mean more sex for you. Also note that texting may be sexual in nature, but it isn't actually sex, so he can possibly be interested in it more often than the few times a month you have sex, and it isn't necessarily about not being interested in you being juxtaposed against the other relationship. In fact, it is possible that the NRE of a new relationship could get him interested in sex overall, including you. There is no telling how things will go, so try to find out his perspective and interest and even experience before deciding it is a bad thing for your sex life and panicking. Though I completely understand the hurt you feel.

Am I a bad, controlling or unfair girlfriend for feeling this way

I don't think it is bad to want sex, and everyone is controlling to some or the other degree. Anything we do is an attempt to control the outcome in a manner we want. There is nothing wrong with trying to get a partner to be more interested in sex with you or feeling frustrated when it doesn't happen or seeking advice on how to make it happen. As long as you aren't harming him or overruling his autonomy as an individual, trying to control an outcome to something that is favorable for you is human nature.

 

[Shaya]

I've proposed in the past to go to a therapist or cousellor together, but he didn't think it's necessary for us. We are 'only' together for one year, so why would we need this, was his argument.

I think his comments demonstrate exactly what he thinks of this relationship with you. His comment about "only one year" combined with his implication that a counsellor "is not worth it" despite you feeling there are problems in the relationship, seem to imply that he doesn't care if your relationship doesn't work. However, I'm not convinced that's what he's actually trying to say and suspect that the alternate interpretation below is more likely.

The alternate interpretation is that he's young and has a gut reaction of not wanting to see a counsellor. That's actually a pretty common feeling. If your gut reaction is "I don't want to see a counsellor" because of all the negative things society says about people who need to see counsellors, and you don't really have a reason why you don't want to go, then you're going to make up a reason. I explored this on a thread about emotion and logic, where I came to the conclusion that we do things because we feel like it, then later come up with a logical reason as to why we want to do it. In your boyfriend's case, he may feel very strongly that he doesn't want to see a counsellor, then come up with all kinds of logical reasons why not to, including the insensitive reason he gave above.

My counter-argument as to why a relationship like yours might benefit from counselling would be the following. Relationships are amongst the hardest things we do in life. We would happily read an instruction manual before doing any complicated task in our house like repairing appliances or putting together furniture. We go through life studying a whole bunch of things like maths and science. Somehow, we believe doing relationships is different. It's not. Relationships need more than just love to survive. They need relationship skills. It often takes a lifetime of relationships to learn how to do it properly and sometimes people are still getting it wrong by the end of their life. On the other hand, you can read what others have tried in relationships, learning from their mistakes to make your own relationship better. You can learn from others by listening to counsellors who study this "science", or you can pick up a book together on relationships and read it together. I'm currently reading one with my wife called "wired for love" and give a brief review of it here.

In summary, his comment that "you've only been together for one year" so it's "not necessary" to see a counsellor can seem like he is saying your relationship is not worth the effort to save it, but I think it more likely reflects a youthful ignorance or denial. I would suggest a relationshipping book to read and to consider it an instruction manual of sorts to the hardest thing to do in life - relationships.

 

[anamikanon]

Just see if this makes sense to you.

I tried talking about it with my boyfriend. After many many questions and different ways to try to communicate about it, he told me why there are periodes he doesn't want sex. He said he often is scared to hurt me and that he wants to seek a good balance between attention for me and attention for other girls.

Non-answer.

He wants to feel free in his sexual interest in other girls, but wants to make sure that our relationship doesn't suffer from it.

Doesn't match actions.

He often feels like he can't reach this balance, which makes him unhappy. As a result, he doens't feel like having sex.

Non-answer

I asked him how I can give him the feeling he is more free, and he said he wants to sext more with other girls (we had a agreement before that he would stop doing that because it escalated and he lied about it to me). I agreed that he can do this.

Got you to free him from previous agreement and back off from demand that led to it.

He also doesn't like me always bringing up the issues about sex or other problems.

Tried to get you to shut up about what he isn't answering.

My answer was that I have strong feelings about things that happen between us and I want to openly talk about it. He doesn't feel that urge

Refused outright when you didn't back off.

so I asked him if he can at least try to communicate more in the future about what he thinks and feels. He said that he will try this.

Promised future action - unclear if delivered.

Right now, I don't have a really good feeling about this

Interacting with him about problems left you more uneasy than before.

but I want to give it a chance.

You have no sense of self-preservation. (or maybe I just have pretty aggressive defaults - and thus red flags)

I made clear that I don't want to feel like the last few weeks ever again, that I want to feel like I can talk about what bothers me. He says that he doesn't think that much about things, that he just waits for a bad period to pass.

Dodges responsibility for problems with relationship not meeting your needs and causing distress. States a preference for ignoring your needs remaining unmet.

He has the feeling that all the discussions about our issues only make them worse. He just wants to make fun, be relaxed about everything and have faith in our relationship without thinking to much about the few 'bad' things.

States upfront he is not interested in discussions about issues that are distressing you. Implies that you should accept and be happy with however he is.

I don't know how to feel about this...

You know how to feel about it. You are already feeling it.

I've proposed in the past to go to a therapist or cousellor together, but he didn't think it's necessary for us.

You made another attempt to get him to address problems. He is not interested.

We are 'only' together for one year, so why would we need this, was his argument.

He doesn't seem to think what you have is anything major.

==============================

If you see what I see, you already know what I am going to say. So I am not saying it.

 

[Eva92]

Thank you all for you advice! I thought about it and talked with my boyfriend last weekend. I told him that I can't continue our relationship like this, and that I'm thinking about breaking up. It was very unexpected for him and he seemed quite shocked. I explained my feeling about his sexual interest in me and other girls and the lack of communication between us. After that, I asked him about his thoughts and feelings, but the only thing he could way was 'I don't know'. "What do you want?" "I don't know..." So I told him that this conversation only is a confirmation of my concerns about our communication. We sat at the table, facing eachother and we were quit for 10 minutes. He couldn't say anything, but there were tears in his eyes and I've never seen him like that before. Eventually, I said that I was going to pack some stuff and go to my parents house. He suddenly said that he wanted me to stay with him. I answered that I can only stay with him if he's willing to make some changes. He agreed, but I commented that he can't make this changes on his own, that he made this promise in the past but couldn't keep it. I explained that for me, the only solution is to go and talk with a therapist/coach/counsellor. He hesitated at first, but then decided that there's is nothing to lose by trying it.

So here we are now: still together (but still very cautious) and looking around for a good therapist for us both. The tension faded a little bit, and there are already more conversations about our relationship than before. He also finally decided to look for another place to live and to cancel our current flat. We have a lot of problems with our downstairs neighbour which causes a lot of stress. I don't know if this is the best timing to do this, but my boyfriend says that it is part of making positive changes.

I will give it this last chance, because I love him and I know that he has no bad intentions. If it doesn't work out or we relapse again, the decision will be a lot easier and we at least tried everything to make it work.

 

[Shaya]

Good luck Eva.

This is not easy. When youre looking around at all the different counselling options, the one that would be most suited to your needs would be a couples counsellor, or relationship counsellor. Hang in there.

Shaya.

 

[Eva92]

Thank you, Shaya!

By the way, I haven't asked to cancel his date with the other girl and I also don't expect him to do this. But still, I know I'd feel very hurt if he ends up having sex with her next week. I even think it would be the point where I'd decide to really break up (even when we haven't had the chance to go to a counselor yet). I feel very guilty for thinking these things. Is this an insecurity I have to keep for myself because it wouldn't be fair to give my boyfriend this 'ultimatum'? Or would it be okay to openly discuss my feelings about this with him?
I don't know.. he's still very into the 'open' (and even polyamorous, while this was never talked about before or an element in our deal) part of our relationship. For example, he doesn't think it would be a problem if he falls in love with her, he would like to also have some kind of relationship with someone else. In my opinion this doesn't make sense: he wanted to have an open relationship because he wants variation in sexual contacts, whil he now seems to be fine with having a second relationship. When I asked him about this 'paradox' he said that the beginning of another relationship also gives him this feeling of excitement. I stated that I don't want this kind of agreement but we stopped talking about it because I couldn't think or communicate in a constructive way anymore. I don't think it's a good idea to start this conversation again right now, because I'm to emotional and confused to make good decisions. I first have to calm down and try to create a positive vibe between us again. He's really sweet for me and attentive, and I'm aware of my own share in our destructive discussions lately.

 

[Shaya]

Hey Eva,

Sounds like the jealousy is really eating away at you. You've been in an open relationship for a while now and I remember you said you've had sex with someone else while he hasn't had any luck until now.

If you feel it's too quick for you, you can certainly express this feeling to him and see what he feels. As long as you phrase it as a "thank you for letting me have sex with someone already. I know that must have been really hard for you and I thank you for it. How did you do it? I'm trying to imagine you having sex with her and it's just sending me to a really bad place. I know it's my problem and I want to be supportive of you and to let you enjoy polyamory. But I just feel terrified now. It doesn't make sense, and I know I can eventually reach a point when I can give you the freedom for more, but can you give me one more week to see how I feel about it please? We can see if I'm more comfortable then. You don't have to, but it would really help me cope. Please let her know I'm sorry about this and that I want to work on myself so that the two of you can eventually have the intimate relationship you both deserve."

More experienced members can probably help you more, but speaking from absolutely no experience whatsoever and with no clue if the next bit of advice would be useful at all, I imagine you could also negotiate some boundaries if you find that helpful, like dry humping only, or hand job or Blow job. Bear in mind these restrictions should probably only be temporary. Your boyfriend has allowed you sex with others. If this promise was made with the faith that you would return the favour, you can certainly request that he consider going slower, but I suspect you will have to aim to remove these boundaries in time. As I said, I have no idea how much of what I've suggested could be useful but I suspect the specifics of your poly arrangement with your boyfriend are whatever you and him (and maybe metamour) are happy with.

Good luck. If I've suggested any bad advice, I'm sure someone will come along soon and correct me.

Take care,
Shaya.

 

[Eva92]

Sounds like the jealousy is really eating away at you. You've been in an open relationship for a while now and I remember you said you've had sex with someone else while he hasn't had any luck until now.

Yes, it is. He already dated other people in the past, with the chance of having sex with them. But at that time, I never was this jealous because I knew that it wouldn't change anything between us. While now, I have so many doubts and feel so hurt and insecure about his sexual rejection, that it changed my perspective.

As I said, I have no idea how much of what I've suggested could be useful but I suspect the specifics of your poly arrangement with your boyfriend are whatever you and him (and maybe metamour) are happy with.

There never was a poly arrangement, because he only wanted variation and the freedom to express his sexual interest in other girls.

I know that I'm not really the jealous type (except for now) and we can have a healthy open relationship in the future. But I won't agree with having a polyamorous relationship, especially because of our lack of communication and his never ending longing for new sexual contacts.