Sex with your SO after they come home?

franchescasc

franchescasc

New member
This is a practical question. I know everyone will feel differently about this. Do you feel comfortable having sex with your partner after they've had sex with their OSO? Why or why not?

My husband FJ is about to come home after his first alone date with MD. I'm fairly certain they will have been intimate. I almost don't want to have sex with him, out of respect for her and their time together. Is that normal?

FJ and I have sex pretty much every day, sometimes 2 or 3 times a day, so if he is interested in sex when he gets home, turning him down would be an obvious difference.
 
Yes, I'm comfortable with it. My spouse deserves a trophy and a medal for keeping up with both of us.

I don't see my other partner often enough for this issue to be relevant.
 
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I would be okay with it, depending on what was done on the date. I never go ass to mouth, so if my husband did, I'd like to give his parts some time to air out. :)

My ex Erik and I dealt with this before. Years ago, I went to visit an old friend out west. He was my training Dom. We did have sex. When I came home to my bf he told me he needed some time. I was okay with that.

Erik and I had totally different sex needs. We did not have intercourse that much anyway. It did not cause a problem.

Erik is not polyamorous. He is more into the swinger/foursome lifestyle. We are still close and care for each other.

My husband and I have not been intimate with anyone else yet, so I do not know how he would feel about it. I am curious. Part of my personal fetish stuff has a lot to do with the men I love being okay with the fact that at any given time, they could be having sex with me right after one another. But, that's me. My husband has his own ideas.
 
I would be very ok with having sex with my wife just after she was with her boyfriend. To be honest, I would really be looking forward to it. With that said, it would be completely up to my wife whether or not we had sex afterwards, either because she was too tired after coming home, or just wanted that time to herself after being with him. I would not make her feel obligated to do it, even though I know I would be ready to as soon as she walked in the door.
 
It's not a problem for me. Frankly, it's a turn on.
 
If he's interested, he's interested. It isn't disrespectful to ask him where he's at on that.

I almost don't want to have sex with him out of respect for her and their time together. Is that normal?
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How you feel is how you feel. If you want to take a break, that's fine. It isn't like you have to put out just because he feels like having more sex immediately after.

So if he was interested in sex when he gets home, turning him down would be an obvious difference.
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Why is you saying "no" and it being "different" a problem? You aren't expected to have/need time to acclimate to the "new normal?" :confused:
 
I was the one with the other relationship, and I implemented a no bed-hopping rule. If I was with one, I was not sleeping with the other right after or even in the same day. So, if I was intimate with Matt that morning, and I had date with my ex that night, it was not happening. Our sex life might have suffered, but I had the right to share my body as I pleased. It was a respect thing. Respect for my body and certain values/beliefs I have. The one time I broke my own boundary, it ended up turning me off completely. I remembered why I had that boundary and why it will stay in place until the end of time. I guess that is why I will never have another threesome.
 
They actually didn't end up having sex this date, so I didn't have to worry about it this time.

I was just curious about how others felt. We will figure out our own boundaries and comfort levels and make them work for our relationship.

Right now, I will just have to take it moment by moment to see what I'm comfortable with. FJ would be just fine hopping from one to the other, but I'm not sure I'll want to so immediately after. It's one thing when we are all involved in a threesome, because it's about all of us. When he's just had special time with her, I feel like that needs to be its own thing separate from our special time. This may change. We shall see.

Thanks for your feedback.
 
Sometimes I've felt like being with a partner as soon as a couple hours after they've been with somebody else. Sometimes I haven't, and that's usually due to if my relationships needs with them are being met, how well we've been getting along, and my comfort level with the metamour in question. Regardless of if it was me or them on a date, sometimes my partners feel like being intimate with me, sometimes they don't.

I find a couple of hours of transition time helpful, so I'm present with the person I'm with. My husband finds he isn't often interested in being intimate with me on a day I have a date until he has an activity that gets him out of the house to reset (work, hobby, movie) but that's not always the case either.

I recently had a date change nights, and so ended up being intimate with a partner in the daytime after they'd spent the night. They said they wouldn't really have wanted to have sex if my plans were still on that night, basically out of "respect" for my the person I'd had a date with. I find it interesting that he didn't think, "I'll refrain so you have your energy for your husband," but viewed an outside partner differently.

I think a lot of people view live-in and non-live-in partners very differently. I know I don't think anything of my partners going home to sleep/have sex with people they cohabitate with, but I have found that I can be a bit uncomfortable in new relationships when a partner I don't live with has a date with me and somebody else they don't live with in the same day, while I'm trying to get comfortable with all the relationships. That's silly, because either way, they are probably (and hopefully) having some lovely sex. Nevertheless, I wouldn't have thought twice about being intimate with both my non-live-in partners the same day, unless it would keep me from being a good date to both of them, just like I didn't think twice of wanting to get my husband naked since he got stuck with me that night. :)

Yep, that's all kind of a sidetrack of your question, but I'm glad to have a reason to examine my feelings on the subject! I have some thinking I want to do about this. In one relationship, my metamours are all super busy and I'd hate my partner to not be OK making plans if something opened up because it wasn't "respectful," as long as all parties are fine with it. And although he's had a couple back-to-back dates, he tries not to schedule them out of this here "respect" thing.

I think I'm going to tell him to grab life while he can.
 
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N knows to wash his face before he comes home. :p

We usually have sex when he comes home, or even when his gf spends the night with us.
 
I'm the hinge in a V-shaped relationship. I more often than not have sex with my bf Ginger several times on the days he's here, where I share a living space with my gf Pixi. He generally goes to bed by 10. I then stay up a couple more hours with Pixi, and we usually have sex.

A couple times, after she and I have had our sexy time, I've then gone to bed with Ginger, woken him up and fucked him too. (He's told me I can always wake him up for sex.)

For us, it's not about "respect" (or lack thereof), or jealousy, or anything. Ginger and I are just complete horndogs, and Pixi is no slouch either. So, there's lots of sex, before or after the other. (We occasionally have had sex all together a few times, too.)

@FoL, I've always kind of wondered what your term "bed hopping" meant, and what you meant by not wanting it. Now I know. I personally love bed hopping. Sex with one of my partners just warms me up for the other. :) And this was the same before I found Ginger and had less serious bfs. I'd go out on a date, have sex with a bf, then come home and do Pixi, if she at all wanted it. We've found this keeps us feeling bonded.
 
franchescasc said:
FJ would be just fine hopping from one to the other, but I'm not sure I'll want to so immediately after. It's one thing when we are all involved in a threesome, because it's about all of us. When he's just had special time with her, I feel like that needs to be its own thing, separate from our special time.
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I find your wording a bit odd. The way you stated it, you make it sound like your focus is on him and her. You want his sexy times with her to be "special" and separate from his special time with you. And so, because of that, you feel you have to refrain from having sex with him soon after he does it with her? To give him space to appreciate the specialness of being with her? But what does he want? Did he say he needs his time with her to be special (whatever that means) and that he'd rather have time in between being with her and being with you? Since you say he'd be happy to "hop from one to the other," I would guess not.

I think you're fooling yourself a little here and being slightly disingenuous. Your real focus is you. There is nothing wrong with that, of course! But why not own up to it? It sounds like what you really mean is that you want his time alone with you to be special and separate from his time with her. If he "hops" from her to you, without much time or space in between, you think you would feel not "special" enough.

This seems to me to be a good opportunity to look inward and examine some beliefs you have about relationships and sex. As in, what is this need to be special all about? What makes sex special for you? Do you feel like you're not special if you don't get a certain kind of attention? Why wouldn't you feel special if he hopped from her to you (and maybe even back again)? Why is a threesome okay, but sex with your partners separately has to mean something different? I am not asking these out of judgment, but as some suggestions for looking deeper, because it seems obvious that, since you say you were worried a bit, there is some good stuff to look at in order to know yourself a little better. "Hmm... interesting. Now why do I believe/feel/think that? And why was I telling myself this?" Rich stuff!
 
Magdlyn said:
@FoL, I've always kind of wondered what your term "bed hopping" meant, and what you meant by not wanting it. Now I know. I love bed hopping. Sex with one of my partners just warms me up for the other. :) And this was the same before I found Ginger and had less serious bfs. Go out on a date, have sex with him, come home and do Pixi, if she at all wanted it. It keeps us all bonded...
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:) If it works, go for it! It is a complete turn off for me. I wish I could explain why. I am sure there are not many in the world who feel like this. Most people look at me oddly like, "What the hell is wrong with you?"
 
Maca requested I shower before having sex with him, if I have sex with GG, so I do. However, I frequently get up when Maca gets up, early in the morning, after having had sex before going to sleep, and move upstairs to curl up with GG for the rest of the sleep-time available, and it's not unusual for us to have sex before starting the day. It doesn't bother GG.
 
I like Fly to shower first, and if the encounter was in his bed, I want him to change the sheets, or we'll go to my bed.

Fly doesn't care as much, but I usually do him the courtesy of washing up.

Both of us often pounce on each other after having sex with others. I don't see it as disrespectful or a lessening of the "specialness" of him and me, or of our other lovers. We both like to channel our spillover energy into each other, and it's a way of sharing our joy and compersion physically. For me, it's an important aspect of how we reconnect with each other. Experiencing his desire and love for me, even right after being with another partner, is enormously affirming of our relationship, and was especially deeply reassuring in the beginning, when there were still doubts and insecurities to deal with.

Moonlight's only request is that I not let her go down on me if Fly has cum in me that day, even if I've showered. I can totally respect that. Because Fly was included in the sexual relationship at the start, I think she's more comfortable with my "bed-hopping." I think it might be different for her if I came to her after being with someone other than him, although I don't really know that for certain.
 
Kernels of truth

nycindie said:
I find your wording a bit odd. The way you stated it, you make it sound like your focus is on him and her. You want his sexy times with her to be "special" and separate from his special time with you. And so, because of that, you feel you have to refrain from having sex with him soon after he does it with her? To give him space to appreciate the specialness of being with her? But what does he want? Did he say he needs his time with her to be special (whatever that means) and that he'd rather have time in between being with her and being with you? Since you say he'd be happy to "hop from one to the other," I would guess not.

I think you're fooling yourself a little here and being slightly disingenuous. Your real focus is you. There's nothing wrong with that, of course. But why not own up to it? It sounds like what you really mean is that you want his time alone with you to be special and separate from his time with her. If he "hops" from her to you without much time or space in between, you think you would feel not "special" enough.

This seems to me to be a good opportunity to look inward and examine some beliefs you have about relationships and sex. As in, what is this need to be special all about? What makes sex special for you? Do you feel like you're not special if you don't get a certain kind of attention? Why wouldn't you feel special if he hopped from her to you (and maybe even back again)? Why is a threesome okay, but sex with your partners separately it has to mean something different? I am not asking these out of judgment, but as some suggestions for looking deeper, because it seems obvious that, since you say you were worried a bit, there is some good stuff to look at in order to know yourself a little better. "Hmm... interesting. Now why do I believe/feel/think that? And why was I telling myself this?"
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NYCindie, great thoughts here-- one reason I love this forum so much. I was thinking of her this night specifically, but for sure I can see that some of my hesitation is preserving FJ & my "special time," as well. Specifically with MD, I worry about her feeling like a third wheel. She has said that she does at times. Those aren't words I'm putting in her mouth. I guess I'm just extra-careful about considering how I might feel if I were her, being intimate with FJ, who then leaves to come home to me, when she has expressed the desire to have someone at home with her in the future. But considering we are very different people, with different perspectives, I should just ask her! I am really trying to do my obsessing and over-analyzing in my journal, or here, so that I have my thoughts organized before we talk about this kind of stuff. Other perspectives are so helpful to me. I can be overwhelming to both my partners with my tendency to over-communicate.

But I find it super helpful to consider your point about what makes sex special to me. As I've shared before, FJ and I used to view sex as a very sacred act that made two people become one. Surely some of this worldview is still coloring my lenses. The more I think about it, the more I realize this is something that certainly needs some more examination. I know MD doesn't feel this way about sex. So, back to the working on myself, and growing!
 
My wife and I always have sex after she makes love to her boyfriend. It so nice that way. She shares her sex with me.
 
franchescasc said:
I guess I'm just extra-careful about considering how I might feel if I were her, being intimate with FJ, who then leaves to come home to me, when she has expressed the desire to have someone at home with her in the future. But considering we are very different people with different perspectives, I should just ask her!
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Why on earth would you ask your husband's OSO if you could fuck him after he leaves her and comes home to you? Surely that is none of her business.

But I find it super helpful to consider your point about what makes sex special to me. As I've shared before, FJ and I used to view sex as a very sacred act that made two people become one. Surely some of this worldview is still coloring my lenses. The more I think about it, the more I realize this is something that certainly needs some more examination. I know MD doesn't feel this way about sex. So, back to the working on myself and growing!
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He can become one with her, and then become one with you... There's plenty of polygamy in the old testament, and nothing against it in the new, except when pseudo Paul says a bishop should have only one wife, just so he can have more time to be of use to the congregation. Monogamy (for everyone) is not Biblical.

I think sex is sacred too, and feel its power with both my partners. (I'm pagan/gnostic, so of course sex is sacred to me.)
 
"Why on earth would you ask your husband's OSO if you could fuck him after he leaves her and comes home to you? Surely that is none of her business."

Well, I wouldn't be asking permission, really. I just care how it makes her feel. But I have a feeling she doesn't care. She wasn't bothered when she was here once and FJ and I had sex, while she was in the other room. (She was with Bug and they were spending the night.) Her exact words were it wouldn't be right for her to be upset by that. Idk. The more I think about it, the less of an issue I think it is. I am definitely feeling much more comfortable with no rules and doing what feels natural as we go along.

As for sex being sacred, yes, it still is for us. I'm just still adjusting to the view that it is sacred for FJ and me only, to the exclusion of others. I don't believe that anymore, but it certainly colors my thoughts still.
 
We've had sex right after having sex with another swinging couple, but we usually end up waiting a couple days after one of us has played seperately.

I don't think she would mind, but I usually feel a bit jealous when she is with someone else and I tend to feel a bit distant afterwards. I don't think it should bother me, but I usually don't have much going on in that regard, while she often has a few potential partners.
 
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