Sexual acts within each relationship?

P

polyfirst

New member
I was just curious when it comes to a primary or a secondary or whatever kind of relationship style are there certain sexual acts you prefer with a secondary over your primary and don’t want to do it with your primary or visa Versa?

For example, My partner prefers “scissoring” with the secondary partner over me. She says it’s more fun and she said I didn’t like the way she did it before anyway and I’m like a kid that wants the toy another kid is playing with even though I stopped playing with it. I told her that our sex life wasn’t good before we were poly and asked if we could try again and I didn’t feel comfortable with her doing it with her secondary. She thinks it’s gross to do with both of us so doesn’t really want to try since she enjoys it more w the secondary partner. She also says I’m being controlling
 
Hi polyfirst,

I can see how that would make you feel bad, if your partner wanted to do something with the secondary partner but not with you. I understand that she only wants to do that with one partner, but it seems like she's not giving you a chance. I wish I could think of some advice for you. As you're the primary, it seems like you should get first dibs on a given sexual act. It feels like your partner isn't being fair. Or even like she's being a little vengeful toward you. If she wasn't satisfied with how you did it before.

I hope you can work things out with her.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thinking that doing the same sex act with two different people is "gross" sounds highly immature to me. To me, sex is sex. My partners have never known what sex acts I was performing with other partners. That this is some kind of issue seems weird to me. It sounds like she is playing games with you.
 
Ideally, nether relationship limits the other.

The fact you have a “primary” label doesn’t limit what she can do with others.

The fact she is doing something elsewhere neither makes it on or off in your relationship.

Ideally, you are able to work through feeling that because someone else has something, you must, and she works through the idea that aomethin is gross to do with two people, and can do with you or not with you - and you can want with her or not with her- based on what is good for you two as a couple.

Easier said than done.

Having said that, my life is wildly different with different people. We see where we fit and if we fit and leverage that.

If I were in your place, though? I would honestly be feeling big feelings about the “I’l do it with her, but because I’m doing it with her, will not do it with you” thing.

Reasonable to me would be to ask if she would consider workin on being “poluscissorous” and include it in your repertoire eventually,
If only something to try from time to time to try or for your sake.

In return, you will work on first wanting it for the sake of wanting it, not out of possessiveness, and won’t even bring it up until you are there. (trust me. You don’r Want to. It will suck.).

Having said that, if she doesn’r want To- it is off the table. Period. Her body, her choice. For whatever reasons.

Your choice is if you consent to having something taken off the table because someone is doing it with someone else, personally, that is often a dealbreaker for me, unless there is a safety reason.
 
Also, red flags are going. Does she generally treat you well,’or does she have a habit of denying you something you want almost arbitrarily?

(Excuse typos)
 
I asked her to stop doing it w her temp until I felt better about it. She said that it’s coming from my insecurities and there is no point in her stopping although she acknowledges what I’m feeling. Pretty much any compromise I try she sees me trying to control her and she wants freedom to be able to do whatever

I asked why she can’t do it with both of us and out of respect she doesn’t. I asked if her secondary whom I haven’t met yet because I guess this girl feels anxious asked that she not do it with me and she said no she just doesn’t out of respect.

She is open to seeing a therapist. I feel she is being very selfish and it almost seems she wants to be poly solo sometimes but have some relationship benefits.

She won’t see it my way or if she does she doesn’t care to compromise because again it’s a control factor. She said she sees this girl once a month and if we find the triad we are looking for she will look into trying more then since she rarely sees this girl.
 
I'm sorry you struggle.

I don't know if it would help you any... but I'll ask some questions in case it helps you look at this in another way.

My partner prefers “scissoring” with the secondary partner over me.
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Why do you even know details like that about her other lover? That they like to scissor?

To me that would be TMI data. I don't need to know that stuff to maintain my sex health. I need to know that they practice safer sex, do their health check ups, etc. I might WANT to know more, but I don't have to.

So I would start there. Why's she even telling you what they do rather than saying "That is TMI details and private. I don't tell her what you and I do and like. I don't tell you what she and I do and like" or similar?

She says it’s more fun and she said I didn’t like the way she did it before anyway and I’m like a kid that wants the toy another kid is playing with even though I stopped playing with it.
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Are you saying you only want to scissor now because you found out she does this activity with her other lover? And if they weren't doing it or you did not know about it you would not care?

Is she trying to rile you up or "compete" for her or something by oversharing these things?

I asked her to stop doing it w her temp until I felt better about it.
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What is the purpose of this agreement? How else can it be solved?

Would you like it if her other lover asked for her to stop doing X with you until they felt better about it or would you find that intrusive?

It almost sounds like you want her to stop sharing scissoring sex with her other lover until your own sex life with her improves. You mention it was not so great before poly. Like maybe you think if she stops spending her energy over there, she will spend her energy on your shared sex life on this side of the V.

Why not ask "Can we improve our sex life?" more directly? Cuz she could stop scissoring, and take up bowling, and still not do anything about improving sex life with you. She could be off bowling.

I feel she is being very selfish and it almost seems she wants to be poly solo sometimes but have some relationship benefits.
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Do you believe she owes you sex? And she's being selfish because she won't give you the sex you want when you want it?

Or you think she's being selfish because she tells you TMI things that upset you or deliberately tries to rile you up... Then she expects you to be all happy and when you are not, she flips it around on you calling you insecure without acknowledging her provoking behavior that started it?

Or you think she's being selfish in some other way? Could you clarify?

The part about her being solo poly -- if you want to practice one kind of open model and she wants to do another kind... maybe you guys could talk about that? Because maybe the sexual compatibility isn't the only compatibility to sort out?


She won’t see it my way or if she does she doesn’t care to compromise because again it’s a control factor. She said she sees this girl once a month and if we find the triad we are looking for she will look into trying more then since she rarely sees this girl.
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Why does a triad person have to "arrive" before she starts holding up her end of the stick in her relationship with you? Can't she be doing that already?

If you get the vibe that she's not all that into you and keeping you around for a back up plan should her other dating partners not pan out? Maybe you don't want to play that role?

Galagirl
 
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I don’t think she is being unreasonable. You didn’t enjoy doing this activity with her before —why should she have to do it with you at all now?

Early in our relationship, Glasses gave me oral sex a few times and I hated it. Like, I almost felt violated every time we tried it. We tried to work on it a lot, but it never got any better. Eventually he just stopped asking to do it. I figured I just didn’t like it. Other things were loads of fun, so we still had lots of great sex.

When I got together with Ponytail, he begged me to let him give me oral. Eventually I gave in — and it was amazing!

After a few times, I felt like I understood what directions to give to Glasses if he wanted to try it again and so I offered that we could try if he wanted. He was hesitant at first — he didn’t want to know that I liked it now and STILL didn’t like it when he did it. I would have been fine if he’d never wanted to do it with me again — I get it that he was kind of traumatized by trying it so often and it always making me miserable before. Furthermore, if he liked giving oral sex to his other partners and didn’t want to do it with me because of how it made him feel all the times when I told him I did and like it? I’d understand that too.

Anyway, I don’t blame her for never wanting to do that activity with you. It’s something that is special to her and her girlfriend — something she knows makes her girlfriend happy even though it didn’t make you happy. As long as other areas of your sex life are satisfying for you, I see no reason for you to pressure her into doing this one activity with you.
 
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polyfirst said:
I asked her to stop doing it w her temp until I felt better about it. She said that it’s coming from my insecurities and there is no point in her stopping although she acknowledges what I’m feeling. Pretty much any compromise I try she sees me trying to control her and she wants freedom to be able to do whatever

I asked why she can’t do it with both of us and out of respect she doesn’t. I asked if her secondary whom I haven’t met yet because I guess this girl feels anxious asked that she not do it with me and she said no she just doesn’t out of respect.

She is open to seeing a therapist. I feel she is being very selfish and it almost seems she wants to be poly solo sometimes but have some relationship benefits.

She won’t see it my way or if she does she doesn’t care to compromise because again it’s a control factor. She said she sees this girl once a month and if we find the triad we are looking for she will look into trying more then since she rarely sees this girl.
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I wish she was here so I could ask her what respect has to do with it. That does not compute with me.

In these situations the control aspect usually comes in when one partner asks another partner not to do something they do together. So when you asked her to stop doing it that was trying to exercise control over their sex life.

I'm still trying to grasp why it's this one thing. I mean, she's not abstaining from everything she does with the other, correct.

Since she's acting weird about this and doesn't seem to want to change, there is not much you can do. You can't force her. All you can do is accwpt it or move on to someone a bit more caring.

Really, it's a shame the relationships are so focused on sex instead of being more well rounded.
 
Before we did poly everything in our sex life was stale. She seemed disconnected and blamed it on me saying I wasn’t sensual enough and she can’t teach me to be sexy. Skip ahead to her lying about having sex with other people to her finally admitting she wants a second relationship. This girl is tech not her gf because she doesn’t want to be in a relationship with my gf. They are really good friends and have sex even tho this other girl is poly as well. She does t want a romantic relationship.

She mentioned scissoring or somehow it came up and I asked and she admitted she did it with her. I haven’t asked again because it’s hard to get her naked to have sex and I just stopped trying I guess. Part of me is really jealous because I want to feel that I Tami you with her too. I prefer that she goes down on me so I’ve been focusing my energy on that but not she admitted she never will do it again even tho she drives me wild with it. Our sex life has gotten better since poly 100 times. It’s has been extremely hot. It makes me feel bad that she like she it with other girl and not me and she’s basing it off of our bad sex life kn the past. Also she wants to do bdsm stuff w this girl and not me and I just feel like I’m getting less and less in bed. I know some of my feelings are irrational and I’m trying my hardest.

She has been selfish in other ways. For instance she went to her place last thurs which was my gfs birthday. I said I didn’t feel comfortable right before going out of town for the weekend and if they could reschedule. She didn’t want to. She said the girl had a migraine so she would prob be home early. She’s usually home at 5 am the latest. I have asked that I don’t feel comfortable w her sleeping over. We are still very new to poly. I didn’t get ahold of her untol8:30 the next morning. No text during the time she was there at all. I asked she just text if she’s getting tired and she isn’t coming home or set an alarm to text me to fall asleep. She said it’s controlling to ask of that and she admitted she was being selfish by not rescheduling. I contacted the girl she was seeing on fb later that morning because I was worried. My gf said she should not have contacted her and I’m acting like her mom.

I know she loves me. We live together and have been with each other for 3 years. She says I’m her main squeeze and wants to be with me

The weekend away ended up getting ruined btw because I was acting needy. I wanted to give her bday sex and well and she barely touched me.

Maybe I’m the one being selfish?
 
No. She is using the word "controlling" to avoid having agreements and sticking to them. It is not unreasonable to ask her to shoot you a text if she isn't coming home. That's just courtesy.
 
vinsanity0 said:
No. She is using the word "controlling" to avoid having agreements and sticking to them. It is not unreasonable to ask her to shoot you a text if she isn't coming home. That's just courtesy.
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I just told her exactly what you said verbatim. No response. I said did you hear me. She said yeah and just continued reading her book
 
I am having a hard time keeping up with all the "she" people and the chronological order of events. I am going to take the liberty of giving them generic names. If you want to change them, I am happy to go with what you pick.

Let me repeat back what I understand so far in my own words. Correct me if I get it wrong, ok?

PAST

  • Everything in your shared sex life was stale with Apple (your lover).
  • Apple blamed it on you saying that you were not sensual enough and she can’t teach you to be sexy.
  • Apple started having sex with other people and lied about it. After being caught cheating on agreements, she finally admitted she wanted other lovers. So you guys decided to try poly.

PRESENT
  • You guys opened up. Sex life improved some initially.
  • Now she has this lover named Banana. (Banana prefers to call their relationship "FWB" rather than "GF." Banana does not want a romantic relationship with Apple.)

NEW PROBLEMS
  • Now Apple tells you she likes to scissor with Banana and not you.
  • Apple also no longer wants to share oral sex with you.
  • Apple tells you she wants to explore BDSM with Banana.

Sounds like Apple is oversharing TMI info.

As a result? You are starting to feel disconnected from Apple and think that she's not interested in being lovers with you any more.

Which would be one thing if she politely told you she was no longer into it and wanted to end that part of the relationship. But it is another thing if it comes with TMI data about her other lover.

I don't think your feelings are irrational. I rather be broken up with decently and politely if my lover has fallen out of love/interest. Rather than kinda rub my face in it with the other lover. What's that all about? It sounds mean. :confused:

OTHER PROBLEMS

  • You were going out of town.
  • Apple was going out with Banana for Apple's bday and planning on sleeping over.
  • You did not feel comfortable with sleeping over so soon after opening and asked if they could be willing to reschedule.
  • Apple said no, but she would be home by 5 AM and would text if there was a change in plans.
  • She did not keep her word. Apple did not text about the change in plans. Left you hanging.
  • Worried, you checked in with Banana to see if all was ok. You could not get a hold of Apple until 8:30 AM. Apple was mad that you contacted Banana rather than apologizing for not holding up her end of the agreement and texting about the change in plans to spare you worry.

I asked she just text if she’s getting tired and she isn’t coming home or set an alarm to text me to fall asleep. She said it’s controlling to ask of that and she admitted she was being selfish by not rescheduling.
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It's not controlling to ask her things. It's how you find out if she's willing to do things or not. You cannot be a mind reader.

She can respond with "Yes, I am willing to do that" or "No. I am not willing to do that."

It's not a big deal to send someone a text if plans change and you are not going to be home. That's being polite.

IME, when people complain other people are being "controlling" or "trying to control me" it is because the person themselves does not want to exercise self control and take personal responsibility for their actions. Is that happening here? :confused:

I know she loves me. We live together and have been with each other for 3 years. She says I’m her main squeeze and wants to be with me.
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Where is the loving behavior? :confused:

Mostly I read rude behavior and any time you call her on it she tries to flip it around on you.

  • She over shares sex details and when it upsets you to hear it, she calls you names like "insecure" when she's the one provoking.

  • She said she'd be home by 5 or text. She doesn't do either. You worry and check in with Banana since Apple cannot be reached. Then Apple gets mad and calls you controlling/like her mother? Why didn't she just text the change in plans? Or not make agreements she doesn't plan on keeping in the first place?


The weekend away ended up getting ruined btw because I was acting needy. I wanted to give her bday sex and well and she barely touched me.

Maybe I’m the one being selfish?
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Sex is not a thing to give people as a "present." Could stop doing that.


Having some basic needs like "I need to be treated politely" is not being "needy" like a cling-on person.

If she says she's your main squeeze and wants to be with you... but behaves like something else?

Talk is cheap. Believe the actions.

I just told her exactly what you said verbatim. No response. I said did you hear me. She said yeah and just continued reading her book
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It honestly sounds like you are more into her than she is into you. :(

You might have to come to terms that she says she loves you when it is handy, but doesn't actually love you or treat you with loving behavior. :(

Galagirl
 
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A truth of life is you will never gain happiness from getting her to change.

If you take our words and try and do that- it will fail.

From what I see, she won’t because you want her to- she’s not showing herself that kind of person.

What WILL get you happiness is to change yourself.

Respect came up. I’m cringinf because it seems she’s making a point of giving respect to her other partner and denying it to you. If it drives you wild—
you would be human. That’s classic crazmaking behavior-
“I understand this value, I’m capable of giving it to others- but I won’t work on this with you.”

Can YOU become a source of rock solid respect for yourself? You deserve
Someone who does better than “I can’t teach you how to be sexy”. (I mean- like- Ouch!)


You are poly. You can date up, learn the skills of better relationships, and bring them back to this one. See if she levels up with you. You might find your standards rising and not caring if she’s with you or not-
Only that you are with people who are
Generous and caring, even if that’s only you. (And the first step Inc leveling up- and getting change happening, in or out of relationships is a rock solid relationship with yourself.

I’m also going to point out your feeling that you can work on getting her to go down on you. Makes me think you suspect she’s denying you.

A generous partner does something because they like it, because yoicdo and they like watching you happy, or doesn’t because it’s
Really not them and really not possible.

They don’t leave you thinking of you do the right thing and say the right thing they will give you what you need.
 
polyfirst, from the way you describe the situation, I find myself stuck wanting to take BOTH your sides. :eek: I'm also a little confused by the snarl of issues you present, so I hope you'll bear with me a little.

Briefly: YES, some people (particularly in D/s & similar pursuits) limit the interactions they have (or can have) with other people, sometimes quite specific person-to-person.

The problem I see you having is that this isn't something that was discussed, much less agreed upon.

example -- I had a lover (call her Beth) who suddenly said she didn't like tongue-kissing with me, & refused to discuss it further -- so I stopped. As much as I like it, I had other lovers, some of whom were quite enthusiastic about it. When Beth started trying to initiate it, I stopped her, & said it wouldn't happen until she explained what had changed (a boundary change or a one-time thing or something between). I was never into it so much with her again, some small part of my brain wondering whether I'd be overstepping.

You two need to discuss it, in depth. You (personally) might have to accept that it's something that was in your past relationship, not your present.

The two of you clearly have unresolved issues. Deciding to "try poly" is NOT in any way a solution to underlying problems, & more usually a way to cover them over or pretend they've somehow been fixed.

Your "primary" is certainly oversharing, & you are digging for details as though hoping for disappointment. The two of you certainly need to revisit what it is each of you means by "polyamory" as (to me) it sounds more like failing DADT nonmonogamy ("open relationship" maybe) rather than a "loving relationship" that has "full knowledge & consent."
 
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