Sexuality Advice [Updated/Solved]

KitCatBar

New member
[Update: So I followed advice here and just talked to all my partners. There were fairly short conversations (10ish minutes), but they said that we could talk about this more if I wanted, and reassured me.

Skyler and I can to the realization that it wasn't so much sex as it was that he hasn't spending much time with me in general. He has thrown himself into his work to avoid dealing with his own mental illness issues, but in doing so I felt abandoned. He acknowledged this and said that he would work on it. He said he wouldn't be able to provide "full-on" sex, but he can be an invested partner for self-pleasuring. He said he truly can think of very few (count on one hand) people that he's been able to see as sexually attractive, and of them the feelings are strongest to me. He just very rarely has sexually feelings himself. He said if sex with a guy person was important to me, it is truly fine for me to do stuff with my FWB.

Nicole and I talked as well, and she reassured me I am sexually attractive to her as well. She said that she actually has sex with her other partners less than I thought. She pointed out that she's not comfortable initiating anything (she's always been the one to get asked out, or to go along with a trip rather than to plan it herself). Nicole said that it's probably better if she takes charge sometimes, in general, not just sex, and said she would work on it for herself and my sake. She also asked, since we have such little time together, that if we could plan for sex in advance, because she wants it to happen more too.

Jenny and I talked about how she has no sexual attraction to anyone - it's just a foreign concept to her. She said she was confused with my issues with having an FWB - she has a hiking buddy, how is this different? I have fun with him when we hang out and sex is just another activitu we do. That is something for me to think on more, because it feels like she is right.

Lastly, I talked to my metamour. He also said sex doesn't come up between them as much as I thought, and a lot of it is a timing issue. He also pointed out that Nicole has had other afab partners, so obviously my body isn't a concern, and he hasn't noticed her having any preferences as far as gender goes. He pointed out that it is already hard to find poly and poly-accepting partners, and in general there are more cishet men than sapphic women, so adding those together is probably a better explanation for her having had more male partners than female partners.

I will still bring this up with my therapist, but I am much more at ease now. Thank you everyone.

Tl;Dr I was so afraid of talking to my partners and disappointing them. Instead, talking to them cemented that they love me and gave me new steps moving forwards.]


Hello friends! I am new here. Sorry that my first post isn't all that positive - it's not *super* negative either I guess? but I could use some advice.

I have 3 partners - two in a triad (spouse, partner, and me) and one girlfriend, who has other partners as well. I'll call my spouse as Skyler, my partner as Jenny, and my girlfriend as Nicole.

Skyler, my spouse, is grey-ace. We have been together over a decade and have had sex 7 times total, but he also has never had sex with anyone else. Jenny is ace, and we don't have a sexual relationship at all. Nicole is long distance, opposite coasts of the US, so we only get to see each other 3-4 times a year, but sometimes the timing doesn't work out (periods, general tiredness) and sex just doesn't happen. But when it does, it's always me initiating. I know her and her other long distance partner have sex a lot when they visit each other, and that adds to my insecurity. Plus, he is amab, and I am afab, so I feel maybe I secretly have the wrong parts for her preferences or something, I don't know. My brain just stacks doubt upon insecurity. Maybe I'm bad in bed? I feel like if I'm not sexually attractive to a sexual partner, I'm failing them?

I know logically it's not the case, but I feel really sexually unwanted, and I don't know how to get over this feeling. I feel like one solution would be to find another partner, but three partners is a lot, I already feel like I'm not giving them all the time they deserve (they say I am, so I know that's not the case, but brain thinks what brain wants). And I love them and I trust in their love for me. I would never leave them for the world (unless they like, idk ran over people on purpose or something). Everyone in our extended polycule has known each other for 6 to 10 years at this point. My partners have said they are fine with me having a friend with benefits as long as I'm safe, but maybe I have some weird subconscious purity thing because when I've been with him I've thought "I should be with my partners instead."

I know if I was truly not sexually attractive to Skyler and Nicole, they would not have sex with me at all. And now that Jenny is on HRT and is feeling slightly more confident, she has talked about possibly wanting to explore her sexuality with me in the future, though not soon. I feel that she wouldn't have told me that if I was sexually unattractive.

But I just don't know how to get rid of those feelings. I don't know how to bring it up without sounding like Skyler's asexuality is bad or something, or coming off as accusatory towards Nicole. I don't feel like I'm jealous of her other long-distance partner - we're great friends, and I love my relationship with Nicole and don't want to replace it with his. I am just terrified I'm less good at making her happy than he does. I want to be worthy of Nicole, of all of my partners. I know the issue lies within my own self-esteem, but I feel stuck and don't know what to do. I'm only allowed for one therapy session every 1-2 months, so much more "important" stuff gets talked about while these thought linger unattended in the back of my brain. So any advice on dealing with this would be greatly appreciated.

Tl;Dr -- 2 of my partners are ace, and with the other I am always initiating, so I feel sexually unwanted and don't know what to do
 
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kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hello KitCatBar,

You might want to talk to your therapist about your feelings of being sexually unwanted. Make it a priority. It is important, perhaps more important than any of the things you usually discuss with your therapist.

In the meantime, the best way to make all of those insecure feelings go away, is to think about what you're grateful for. Make a list of the good things in your life, and realize that your partners love you for other reasons than just the sex. My partner and I have pretty much stopped having sex with each other, but we are still satisfied with the relationship we have. You can be satisfied too.

Another thing you can do, is sit down with your partners, and have a talk with them about your feelings. Don't make it about them, make it about you. "I just need to share with you, that I kinda feel like a failure in the sexual area. I know you don't see it that way, but I could use some extra reassurance from each of you. Perhaps you could give me a hug, and remind me that you are happy in the relationship you have with me?" Anyway, say something to that effect. Since Nicole is long-distance, you might need to have that talk with her separately. Or maybe you could include her with a zoom meeting or something.

I hope you can get feeling better.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I hope you feel a bit better for airing out.

I know logically it's not the case, but I feel really sexually unwanted, and I don't know how to get over this feeling.

I am going to repeat back what I understand in my own words. You tell me if I get it right or not, ok?

I could be wrong... But you don't sound sexually unwanted in your group. More like.... what the partners can give or share for sex? Is not enough sex for you. And you don't know how to talk about that with them honestly. You also don't know how to bring it up in therapy because other stuff comes up, and then you only have therapy once every 1-2 months.

Even though they are all fine with you having a FWB, when you have been with him you feel disloyal to your partners.

But then getting another partner... even though existing partners say they have enough time with you? You think you'd be spread out too thin across 4 partners because the time has to come from somewhere, and you are already full.

Is that about it?

If so, I think you are experiencing inner conflict.

Having a FWB or partner might work if the issue is just sex frequency -- with anyone. If the issue is wishing to have sex with a specific person or persons? Having sex sex with A might be nice but it isn't gonna change the fact that you really would like to share sex with person B and they don't want to share sex that often. You may have to find a way to make your peace with that.

I think in order to change anything in your feelings? You may have to become willing to change behavior so something new can happen.

1) Talk to your partners honestly about your sex needs. What activities might work? Could they be willing to hold you while you masturbate? Something else? An increase in cuddles or kind words, even if full on sex is less often? Other people initiating the cuddles so it's not always you?

2) Become more comfortable having a FWB, and work on letting the "purity" thing go.

3) Seek a 4th partner who is into sex, and mange your time accordingly. Including becoming more willing to let a partner go in order to make more time for a new partner who is more inclined to share sex. Right now you don't want to break up with anyone, but what you have, while happy, isn't enough for you.

4) Work on your self esteem and learn to do less "down talk" about yourself. Like WHY do you think you aren't worthy of your partners? Why aren't you good enough for you?

5) Find a way, even if short term, to increase your therapy appointments so you can talk this out there.

6) Something else?

It's a tough spot to be in.

Galagirl
 

KitCatBar

New member
Hello KitCatBar,
Hello! Thank you for your words
You might want to talk to your therapist about your feelings of being sexually unwanted. Make it a priority. It is important, perhaps more important than any of the things you usually discuss with your therapist.
You are right. It felt unimportant to talk about compared to other stuff, but I will bring it up next time at at least dedicate some time to it.
In the meantime, the best way to make all of those insecure feelings go away, is to think about what you're grateful for. Make a list of the good things in your life, and realize that your partners love you for other reasons than just the sex. My partner and I have pretty much stopped having sex with each other, but we are still satisfied with the relationship we have. You can be satisfied too.
I do this all the time! The thing is, I could probably go without sex for the rest of my life and have a nice life. The act itself isn't important to me, but the feeling of not being wanted in that way makes me feel like I have failed somehow
Another thing you can do, is sit down with your partners, and have a talk with them about your feelings. Don't make it about them, make it about you. "I just need to share with you, that I kinda feel like a failure in the sexual area. I know you don't see it that way, but I could use some extra reassurance from each of you. Perhaps you could give me a hug, and remind me that you are happy in the relationship you have with me?" Anyway, say something to that effect. Since Nicole is long-distance, you might need to have that talk with her separately. Or maybe you could include her with a zoom meeting or something.
This is a really good way to put it! Thank you, this has given me good words to use - I think you are right that "reassurance" is what I need
Nicole and I video chat a lot, so I'll bring it up with her
I hope you can get feeling better.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Thank you so much! Now that I'm thinking about it, part of the reason why I haven't bring it up to my therapist might be because there are times where I'm like neutral/accepting of it? Partly a "I have a good life overall, how dare I complain" and partly a "this was clearly bugging me a lot at 3AM, but it's pretty far from my mind right now. So I feel better now... But I should make sure those 3AM moments don't happen!
 

KitCatBar

New member
I hope you feel a bit better for airing out.
I do, a little guilty though haha. I always feel guilty when I focus too much on myself instead of others.
I am going to repeat back what I understand in my own words. You tell me if I get it right or not, ok?

I could be wrong... But you don't sound sexually unwanted in your group. More like.... what the partners can give or share for sex? Is not enough sex for you. And you don't know how to talk about that with them honestly. You also don't know how to bring it up in therapy because other stuff comes up, and then you only have therapy once every 1-2 months.
Hmm, I think how they express that want is not enough for me. But the rest is right, yes
Even though they are all fine with you having a FWB, when you have been with him you feel disloyal to your partners.
Yes
But then getting another partner... even though existing partners say they have enough time with you? You think you'd be spread out too thin across 4 partners because the time has to come from somewhere, and you are already full.
Yes
Is that about it?

If so, I think you are experiencing inner conflict.
Hmm, makes sense
Having a FWB or partner might work if the issue is just sex frequency -- with anyone. If the issue is wishing to have sex with a specific person or persons? Having sex sex with A might be nice but it isn't gonna change the fact that you really would like to share sex with person B and they don't want to share sex that often. You may have to find a way to make your peace with that.
I could go without sex for the rest of my life, buuut, things with my FWB are fun, and I feel good overall, so I think that is truly a good solution.
Having sex *with* one of my partners, especially Nicole since she is sexual, is important in a separate way because I don't feel the need to "provide" for my FWB in the same way
I think in order to change anything in your feelings? You may have to become willing to change behavior so something new can happen.

1) Talk to your partners honestly about your sex needs. What activities might work? Could they be willing to hold you while you masturbate? Something else? An increase in cuddles or kind words, even if full on sex is less often? Other people initiating the cuddles so it's not always you?
These are good suggestions. I think the masturbation one with Skyler and initiation with Nicole are exceptionally good suggestions and I will incorporate it in when I talk to them
2) Become more comfortable having a FWB, and work on letting the "purity" thing go.
This... Sounds like one for therapy, huh? dang.
3) Seek a 4th partner who is into sex, and mange your time accordingly. Including becoming more willing to let a partner go in order to make more time for a new partner who is more inclined to share sex. Right now you don't want to break up with anyone, but what you have, while happy, isn't enough for you.
I think this is something I don't want, but I think I need to always keep that future open? In the sense that, I don't want it and don't think it's right for me now, but if this does become a big issue, then I need to no clamp down
4) Work on your self esteem and learn to do less "down talk" about yourself. Like WHY do you think you aren't worthy of your partners? Why aren't you good enough for you?
"Why aren't you good enough for you" boy howdy did you hit the nail on the head.
5) Find a way, even if short term, to increase your therapy appointments so you can talk this out there.
I have tried - he got in trouble for scheduling me at 3 week intervals once. I am planning to change my insurance this winter when I'm able to, since I can't pay out of pocket for another therapist. I is going to suck to lose the one I have though. He's the first therapist I have had that truly understands queer and poly issues on top of understanding mental health issues
6) Something else?
I think you covered it!
I think part of my hesitation and downplay of this comes from getting the comparison bug? This forum has a lot of people struggling with things like having a mono partner or having a break-up, which are things I have never experienced so they sound way worse
It's a tough spot to be in.

Galagirl
Thank you for your advice. I was planning on video chatting with my girlfriend and her partners today (nothing serious, we just talk for funsies most weekends), but I'll see if she can stick around after and talk to just me
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hi KitCatBar,

Thanks for your update; I'm glad to hear you say that your problem has been solved. It sounds like you don't have too much of a need for sex for the sake of sex, it's more that you have a need to be wanted sexually. (Hopefully that description was coherent.) I am glad that you are planning to bring it up with your therapist; it's something that bothers you from time to time, and that makes it important enough.

If you need any more help, just let us know.
Regards,
Kevin T.
 
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