KitCatBar
New member
[Update: So I followed advice here and just talked to all my partners. There were fairly short conversations (10ish minutes), but they said that we could talk about this more if I wanted, and reassured me.
Skyler and I can to the realization that it wasn't so much sex as it was that he hasn't spending much time with me in general. He has thrown himself into his work to avoid dealing with his own mental illness issues, but in doing so I felt abandoned. He acknowledged this and said that he would work on it. He said he wouldn't be able to provide "full-on" sex, but he can be an invested partner for self-pleasuring. He said he truly can think of very few (count on one hand) people that he's been able to see as sexually attractive, and of them the feelings are strongest to me. He just very rarely has sexually feelings himself. He said if sex with a guy person was important to me, it is truly fine for me to do stuff with my FWB.
Nicole and I talked as well, and she reassured me I am sexually attractive to her as well. She said that she actually has sex with her other partners less than I thought. She pointed out that she's not comfortable initiating anything (she's always been the one to get asked out, or to go along with a trip rather than to plan it herself). Nicole said that it's probably better if she takes charge sometimes, in general, not just sex, and said she would work on it for herself and my sake. She also asked, since we have such little time together, that if we could plan for sex in advance, because she wants it to happen more too.
Jenny and I talked about how she has no sexual attraction to anyone - it's just a foreign concept to her. She said she was confused with my issues with having an FWB - she has a hiking buddy, how is this different? I have fun with him when we hang out and sex is just another activitu we do. That is something for me to think on more, because it feels like she is right.
Lastly, I talked to my metamour. He also said sex doesn't come up between them as much as I thought, and a lot of it is a timing issue. He also pointed out that Nicole has had other afab partners, so obviously my body isn't a concern, and he hasn't noticed her having any preferences as far as gender goes. He pointed out that it is already hard to find poly and poly-accepting partners, and in general there are more cishet men than sapphic women, so adding those together is probably a better explanation for her having had more male partners than female partners.
I will still bring this up with my therapist, but I am much more at ease now. Thank you everyone.
Tl;Dr I was so afraid of talking to my partners and disappointing them. Instead, talking to them cemented that they love me and gave me new steps moving forwards.]
Hello friends! I am new here. Sorry that my first post isn't all that positive - it's not *super* negative either I guess? but I could use some advice.
I have 3 partners - two in a triad (spouse, partner, and me) and one girlfriend, who has other partners as well. I'll call my spouse as Skyler, my partner as Jenny, and my girlfriend as Nicole.
Skyler, my spouse, is grey-ace. We have been together over a decade and have had sex 7 times total, but he also has never had sex with anyone else. Jenny is ace, and we don't have a sexual relationship at all. Nicole is long distance, opposite coasts of the US, so we only get to see each other 3-4 times a year, but sometimes the timing doesn't work out (periods, general tiredness) and sex just doesn't happen. But when it does, it's always me initiating. I know her and her other long distance partner have sex a lot when they visit each other, and that adds to my insecurity. Plus, he is amab, and I am afab, so I feel maybe I secretly have the wrong parts for her preferences or something, I don't know. My brain just stacks doubt upon insecurity. Maybe I'm bad in bed? I feel like if I'm not sexually attractive to a sexual partner, I'm failing them?
I know logically it's not the case, but I feel really sexually unwanted, and I don't know how to get over this feeling. I feel like one solution would be to find another partner, but three partners is a lot, I already feel like I'm not giving them all the time they deserve (they say I am, so I know that's not the case, but brain thinks what brain wants). And I love them and I trust in their love for me. I would never leave them for the world (unless they like, idk ran over people on purpose or something). Everyone in our extended polycule has known each other for 6 to 10 years at this point. My partners have said they are fine with me having a friend with benefits as long as I'm safe, but maybe I have some weird subconscious purity thing because when I've been with him I've thought "I should be with my partners instead."
I know if I was truly not sexually attractive to Skyler and Nicole, they would not have sex with me at all. And now that Jenny is on HRT and is feeling slightly more confident, she has talked about possibly wanting to explore her sexuality with me in the future, though not soon. I feel that she wouldn't have told me that if I was sexually unattractive.
But I just don't know how to get rid of those feelings. I don't know how to bring it up without sounding like Skyler's asexuality is bad or something, or coming off as accusatory towards Nicole. I don't feel like I'm jealous of her other long-distance partner - we're great friends, and I love my relationship with Nicole and don't want to replace it with his. I am just terrified I'm less good at making her happy than he does. I want to be worthy of Nicole, of all of my partners. I know the issue lies within my own self-esteem, but I feel stuck and don't know what to do. I'm only allowed for one therapy session every 1-2 months, so much more "important" stuff gets talked about while these thought linger unattended in the back of my brain. So any advice on dealing with this would be greatly appreciated.
Tl;Dr -- 2 of my partners are ace, and with the other I am always initiating, so I feel sexually unwanted and don't know what to do
Skyler and I can to the realization that it wasn't so much sex as it was that he hasn't spending much time with me in general. He has thrown himself into his work to avoid dealing with his own mental illness issues, but in doing so I felt abandoned. He acknowledged this and said that he would work on it. He said he wouldn't be able to provide "full-on" sex, but he can be an invested partner for self-pleasuring. He said he truly can think of very few (count on one hand) people that he's been able to see as sexually attractive, and of them the feelings are strongest to me. He just very rarely has sexually feelings himself. He said if sex with a guy person was important to me, it is truly fine for me to do stuff with my FWB.
Nicole and I talked as well, and she reassured me I am sexually attractive to her as well. She said that she actually has sex with her other partners less than I thought. She pointed out that she's not comfortable initiating anything (she's always been the one to get asked out, or to go along with a trip rather than to plan it herself). Nicole said that it's probably better if she takes charge sometimes, in general, not just sex, and said she would work on it for herself and my sake. She also asked, since we have such little time together, that if we could plan for sex in advance, because she wants it to happen more too.
Jenny and I talked about how she has no sexual attraction to anyone - it's just a foreign concept to her. She said she was confused with my issues with having an FWB - she has a hiking buddy, how is this different? I have fun with him when we hang out and sex is just another activitu we do. That is something for me to think on more, because it feels like she is right.
Lastly, I talked to my metamour. He also said sex doesn't come up between them as much as I thought, and a lot of it is a timing issue. He also pointed out that Nicole has had other afab partners, so obviously my body isn't a concern, and he hasn't noticed her having any preferences as far as gender goes. He pointed out that it is already hard to find poly and poly-accepting partners, and in general there are more cishet men than sapphic women, so adding those together is probably a better explanation for her having had more male partners than female partners.
I will still bring this up with my therapist, but I am much more at ease now. Thank you everyone.
Tl;Dr I was so afraid of talking to my partners and disappointing them. Instead, talking to them cemented that they love me and gave me new steps moving forwards.]
Hello friends! I am new here. Sorry that my first post isn't all that positive - it's not *super* negative either I guess? but I could use some advice.
I have 3 partners - two in a triad (spouse, partner, and me) and one girlfriend, who has other partners as well. I'll call my spouse as Skyler, my partner as Jenny, and my girlfriend as Nicole.
Skyler, my spouse, is grey-ace. We have been together over a decade and have had sex 7 times total, but he also has never had sex with anyone else. Jenny is ace, and we don't have a sexual relationship at all. Nicole is long distance, opposite coasts of the US, so we only get to see each other 3-4 times a year, but sometimes the timing doesn't work out (periods, general tiredness) and sex just doesn't happen. But when it does, it's always me initiating. I know her and her other long distance partner have sex a lot when they visit each other, and that adds to my insecurity. Plus, he is amab, and I am afab, so I feel maybe I secretly have the wrong parts for her preferences or something, I don't know. My brain just stacks doubt upon insecurity. Maybe I'm bad in bed? I feel like if I'm not sexually attractive to a sexual partner, I'm failing them?
I know logically it's not the case, but I feel really sexually unwanted, and I don't know how to get over this feeling. I feel like one solution would be to find another partner, but three partners is a lot, I already feel like I'm not giving them all the time they deserve (they say I am, so I know that's not the case, but brain thinks what brain wants). And I love them and I trust in their love for me. I would never leave them for the world (unless they like, idk ran over people on purpose or something). Everyone in our extended polycule has known each other for 6 to 10 years at this point. My partners have said they are fine with me having a friend with benefits as long as I'm safe, but maybe I have some weird subconscious purity thing because when I've been with him I've thought "I should be with my partners instead."
I know if I was truly not sexually attractive to Skyler and Nicole, they would not have sex with me at all. And now that Jenny is on HRT and is feeling slightly more confident, she has talked about possibly wanting to explore her sexuality with me in the future, though not soon. I feel that she wouldn't have told me that if I was sexually unattractive.
But I just don't know how to get rid of those feelings. I don't know how to bring it up without sounding like Skyler's asexuality is bad or something, or coming off as accusatory towards Nicole. I don't feel like I'm jealous of her other long-distance partner - we're great friends, and I love my relationship with Nicole and don't want to replace it with his. I am just terrified I'm less good at making her happy than he does. I want to be worthy of Nicole, of all of my partners. I know the issue lies within my own self-esteem, but I feel stuck and don't know what to do. I'm only allowed for one therapy session every 1-2 months, so much more "important" stuff gets talked about while these thought linger unattended in the back of my brain. So any advice on dealing with this would be greatly appreciated.
Tl;Dr -- 2 of my partners are ace, and with the other I am always initiating, so I feel sexually unwanted and don't know what to do
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