She's jealous of me

[GalaGirl]

I am very sorry this drags on for you.

I want to give him some advice about the kind of conversation he should be having with P instead of just trying to make her happy by letting her have her way.

Did he ask for your advice? I would suggest you could leave their side to them to solve even if he did ask. Not your place in this kind of model. You do not exist to prop (him and her) up.

If you want to have 1 thing to say? And then lather, rinse, repeat after that?

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/images/Jealousy_Updated_10-6-10.pdf

Could point him there, and encourage him to solve it with her on their time. Then return the focus of convo back to (him and you.) Not (him and her) when it is (him and you) time.

Travel is the thing going on in the (you and him) layer right now. You could ask him for good dates. Then get on with your ticket buying. Or he buys them to come see you. If he does not coordinate dates with you at this time? You do not travel, he does not travel. Plain and simple.

That keeps ON happening? Over and over? You can see and know how much effort he puts into the (You and him) relationship. He says X but what actually happens is Y.

Makes this easier on you to assess your willingness to continue with him. You could decide if what he ACTUALLY does is good enough for you or not.

As for N blabbing their conversation, he really didn't. He just told me what she said as the reason why I shouldn't buy my plane tickets. He said he didn't want to disrespect her feelings.

That is still oversharing to me in this kind of model. He could have owned it and said "No. Does not work for me in January. How about x dates in February? If that works for you just buy the tix now. I am sorry I have been so wonky with giving you firm answers. You deserve better than that." Just leave her name out of the whole thing and own that his calendar is HIS job. If the reason it does not work for him is that he has to deal with his other partner? He can keep it to himself and just go deal with his other partner on (his and her) time. He could answer YOU though, about setting up some (him and you) time straight up.

I have yet to hear that he apologized for his wonky time management behavior. He just keep citing it is all the other partner's fault. "I cannot because she this or that." Whether that is true or not?

Are you feeling respected? No. Who is disrespecting you? Him.

You do not interact with her. Whatever it is she feels about trips, she can feel whatever. At the end of the day it is HIM failing to organize time to spend with you.

What is your desired outcome?

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Aibutiej,

Re (from OP):

"Except that this morning I got an email from him telling me that I should not buy those tickets because P is uncomfortable with the idea and he does not want to disrespect her feelings. That he does not want me to visit him under the circumstances."

And those circumstances are ... P's discomfort? What is the (N's) plan and timetable for correcting those circumstances?

He doesn't want to disrespect her feelings, but does he want to respect your feelings?

If January 2-6 doesn't work for him, then what dates would work?

Why his repeated delays on telling P about your plans with him?

Re:

"How should N be handling this?"

I'm with the gist of what the others have said here. He should tell P, "Sorry you're uncomfortable with the idea. My relationship with A is important and A can't come out to visit very often. So instead of canceling A's plans, what else can I do to help ease some of your discomfort?"

Of course, we can talk all day about what N should be doing, and N's still going to make his own decision about what he wants to do. Given what he's doing, I'd say he either

• values his relationship with P more than his relationship with you, or
• is easily intimidated by whichever woman is physically in his presence

... or both.

Either way, he doesn't sound like much of a catch for you. You deserve way better. I'd inform him that he's using P's "discomfort" as an excuse to stop having an in-person relationship with you; therefore you are breaking up with him and you would suggest he not pick up any other poly partners until either

• P pulls herself together, or
• he grows a backbone around P

... or both.

Sorry you got treated like this. I don't blame you for feeling hurt.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.