She's polyminded, I'm... unsure.

[ranmasolo]

I'm in a serious relationship with my girl. We've been together for just about 6 years now. We're engaged, we've been living together for years, she has come to see herself very strongly as poly. Or at least she's come out to me as very strongly poly. Maybe she always knew and it just took her time to tell me. lol

I feel like I'm open to it, I feel like I want it, but I can't pull the trigger. For a year or so she's kind of offered off and on for our relationship to be open with no real partners lined up. I kind of always felt on the verge of accepting that offer, but never discussed it seriously with her. I always kind of brushed it off and just told her I wasn't sure how I felt. Which was mostly true. Now a close friend of her's has moved from out of the area to be our room mate and she really wants to initiate a relationship with him. She's made it clear that she will not even discuss it with him without my permission, because our relationship is paramount to her.

I'm having some insecurity issues. She's cuddly, she cuddles him, she cuddles us while we hang out and watch television. That doesn't bother me. But when I leave the room and I know she's still cuddling him, I do feel pangs of jealousy. I even had a nightmare a couple nights ago about walking in on them. He's been a good friend to her for a long time, he's been helping the both of us through a very emotional time recently, as she just lost her mother. I feel appreciative that he's been there for her and for me. So mentally I feel like if they were to start a relationship that it would be an extension of that, more than the jealousy. It's just the not knowing that is crippling my ability to make a decision. I know that I won't know until I do, obviously.

I do feel like I would like to pursue having another relationship myself as well. I didn't really date before my current girlfriend and at times I resent not having more experience. Not resent her, obviously, but just feeling like I've cheated myself. I was extremely closed off to people in my youth. I definitely believe philosophically that love is not mono, but I just don't know if I can emotionally handle poly. I'm also really not sure if it's worse because she already has an emotional attachment to him, or if I would feel the same way about any random she started dating.

We've started to talk more seriously about what it would mean and part of the plan to move forward is that I want to talk to people about it besides her. So I'm kind of hoping someone here can give me some good advice. I plan to pursue some of the reading, I've been looking over a lot of the other threads, I intend to talk to some people I know IRL who are successfully poly.

How do you go from thinking it's a good idea to opening your heart up to the unknown?

 

[stephmm20]

Same situation, same path

Hey there, I feel like you and I are living a similar path... my wife, with whom I've been with for 6 years also, came out to me as poly several years ago. I am a queer woman....and until then, she identified as a lesbian. But now, her sexuality is more fluid. She has recently taken interest in a younger man and is developing a relationship with him. This upsets the "natural order" in my head of how I think things should be...and it's very challenging.

I'm not interested in engaging in a relationship with him because I am queer and often feel left out of there togetherness. I felt similar feelings of jealously like you spoke of.... I don't want to have that script, I don't want jealous feelings to control me but I'm having a hard time setting them aside.

Anyways, I guess I just wanted to say I felt validated by your experience and I hope that you can find peace in your own situation with your girl.

 

[GalaGirl]

My condolences on your recent loss.

This poly thing is something you have to decide yourself.

For me there are certain "messy people" that I would refrain from dating or would want and ask my partner not to date. Like my mother, boss and... Roommate.

Because if things end badly, you do not want to be stuck living with an ex til the end of a lease or stuck with an ex you have to evict. Bad enough to deal with break ups without having your home life and sanctuary disrupted. If you break up with her or she breaks up with you and keeps dating him ... Very awkward living together. Or they break up and he is still around and he or she is moody because of it, also awkward. If they are being passive aggressive to each other that can get rough on you living there.

Do you have the finances to move out if that becomes needed for your well being? Some people jump in without thinking about how it might end. Both in a good way or in a bad way so they can realistically prepare for either.

I do not think it is good to make big life changes during difficult times. You guys are in mourning. If would be the same pregnant or with babies, right after a divorce, big change in school or job.... Poly can be stressful and sometimes people make poor choices while under duress. One cannot help when a loved one passes away. One CAN help when they choose to poly date.

It can take years become willing AND able. Remember there is no hurry. Do not let yourself be pressured. If you are not at a "confident, joyous yes" about it at this time, and your partner need an answer NOW? Say "no, not at this time."

It is ok to be jealous. It does not feel FUN but neither are other feelings like angry or sad.

If you want to read and think about what it might look like, here are a few places to start.

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/downloadabledocuments.html

http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/

http://www.serolynne.com/polyamory.htm

It is by no means exhaustive and you can also turn to books.

HTH!
Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hi ranmasolo,

Re (from OP):

"It's just the not knowing that is crippling my ability to make a decision. I know that I won't know until I do, obviously."

You don't know because you haven't made the decision, and you can't make the decision until you know? Ruh roh!

Re:

"How do you go from thinking it's a good idea to opening your heart up to the unknown?"

It's like parachuting from an airplane, or bungee jumping, or climbing onto a very scary rollercoaster ride. You know the precautions have been taken and you should be safe, but you still actually have to jump and that's something you'll never feel ready to do.

Re (from stephmm20):

"I don't want jealous feelings to control me but I'm having a hard time setting them aside."

Try some of these links:

Let us discuss the greeneye monster shall we?
How to slay the greeneyed beastie.

How To Contain The Green Monster
Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, Etc.
How do you achieve compersion?

The Theory of Jealousy Management
The Practice of Jealousy Management

Jealousy and the Poly Family
Kathy Labriola: Unmasking the Green-Eyed Monster
Brené Brown: the Power of Vulnerability

Hope that helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[ranmasolo]

Anyways, I guess I just wanted to say I felt validated by your experience and I hope that you can find peace in your own situation with your girl.

Glad it helped, it's always nice to know someone out there is feeling the same way, experiencing the same thing. That's part of why I'm posting, hoping to just see some reflections of myself and get a better idea of who I am and what I want.

Because if things end badly, you do not want to be stuck living with an ex til the end of a lease or stuck with an ex you have to evict. Bad enough to deal with break ups without having your home life and sanctuary disrupted. If you break up with her or she breaks up with you and keeps dating him ... Very awkward living together. Or they break up and he is still around and he or she is moody because of it, also awkward. If they are being passive aggressive to each other that can get rough on you living there.

Do you have the finances to move out if that becomes needed for your well being? Some people jump in without thinking about how it might end. Both in a good way or in a bad way so they can realistically prepare for either.

That's definitely something we need to discuss as well, I hadn't really considered the logistics of that because I'm more worried about making the right decision on the larger topic. I currently support my girl and myself financially. We're right at the end of our lease and looking for a new place as the property management company doesn't want to renew. I don't know if that makes the timing better or not. Probably not. lol But that definitely needs to be something we have plans for.

I do not think it is good to make big life changes during difficult times. You guys are in mourning. If would be the same pregnant or with babies, right after a divorce, big change in school or job.... Poly can be stressful and sometimes people make poor choices while under duress. One cannot help when a loved one passes away. One CAN help when they choose to poly date.

It can take years become willing AND able. Remember there is no hurry. Do not let yourself be pressured. If you are not at a "confident, joyous yes" about it at this time, and your partner need an answer NOW? Say "no, not at this time."

Agree'd, my girl has her own rule about major life changes and not making decisions without giving them time to settle. We're definitely not in a rush. She is pushing me to explore my feelings, but hasn't pressured me to decide at all.

Thank you very much for the links, your input has definitely been helpful.

It's like parachuting from an airplane, or bungee jumping, or climbing onto a very scary rollercoaster ride. You know the precautions have been taken and you should be safe, but you still actually have to jump and that's something you'll never feel ready to do.

Yeah, I've never been into roller coasters... Heh. I've had issues with control in the past, my last job partially ended because of them, so I've been making a concerted effort to let go of things I don't need to control. I never drank because I was afraid of losing control and becoming alcoholic. My family is full of addicts and my childhood was sort of a long "What Not To Do" lesson from everyone I was related too. I made the decision last year around September to begin drinking socially and it's been very helpful. I found I didn't need to hold on to myself so tightly all the time and I haven't gone on any benders or done anything monumentally stupid. It's been a very healthy experience really. In a way I do look at this as the next step.

Mentally I know I won't know until I just do it, but I'm fighting my instinct to refuse to move until I KNOW. Like I said, control issues here. lol My current job has helped me so much. When similar issues to my last job cropped up, my bosses took me aside and asked what was going on. Since they've been working with me on it. I actually just had a review and they told me the only thing I needed to improve was that I got too wrapped up in the problems caused by other people. They reassured me that I was amazing at my job, that I did everything they asked of me, that I never had to be defensive... Basically, shut up and be happy, you're awesome! Since that, it seems like everything is falling in place.

Even at home it's helped, when I start feeling stressed about something stupid I just remember that and try to let go. So, all in all, letting go of control has been extremely healthy for me, so in typing this right now, I really see that I WANT to do this. I'm still going to take some time, do more research, let the feeling sit with me for a bit, but I'm starting to get an idea of how I really feel.

Try some of these links:
[links snipped]
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

These really helped me. I'm sure it will take more work but I think I have a better grip on why I was feeling what I was feeling now.

Thank you all so much, I'm sure I'll be posting more as I move forward in my decision making process and also if/when we start exploring poly lifestyle.

 

[kdt26417]

Sounds like you have the right idea.

 

[BFGlitch]

I'm currently in a similar situation. I'm male almost 40, my wife is 33, and we have no children. We we got married a bit over 4 years ago (but have been together for about 6 years) and I had already known my wife was bi. Recently though she has told me she feels she's poly. I only recently found out within the past couple of days that another man she's been seeing since around the time she told me she was poly, that she feels she would consider him her secondary, with me being her primary. We never discussed whether or not I was ok with her considering having a secondary or another love and we never agreed that we would be poly or have an open relationship. She has unfortunately been hiding her feelings for him from me and even after telling me, she still refuses to talk on the phone with him around me and I have yet to even meet him.

I have no problem with people who are poly, and I completely believe my wife is poly. I understand that people can love more than one person at a time. My only problem is that we never agreed to it, and that she's been hiding her feelings for him and hasn't even introduced me to him.

This has recently come to a head when I've noticed for the past few weeks that she's spends most of her time while around me sending messages on her phone. I've come to find out that not only has she been talking to him a lot, but she has also been chatting with men and women on Tinder a lot. I finally confronted her with it when I noticed she was purposely hiding her phone/turning off the screen when I was near her. She claims it's because she has been lonely since I've been travelling a lot, which I do believe as I have been travelling a lot (mainly 2-3 weekends each month) for the past year and a half.

We had a really long discussion about all of this and started talking about being poly and that she also loves him but is not sexual with him. My wife also has a tendency to find "broken" people, and take them under her wing because she wants to help them, then winds up developing an emotional bond, which is understandable. She then tells me to read up on poly because I don't understand. So I did and it was exactly as I thought it was. But when reading up on the common mistakes (found on the morethantwo website), she was doing quite a few of them.

Anyways, I guess my main difficulties are that when we first met, I really didn't even know about poly, and now that I know she is, I really don't know if I can be. A lot of my problem with it is that even if did agree on being poly, I work with all men (I am straight, should have mentioned earlier), all of my friends are married with kids, and I finding someone else for me would be very difficult where as she's back in college and is a ski instructor so she has lots of opportunities to meet plenty of men and women that are interested in her, especially since one of the locations is known to have many poly groups as well as swingers.

Also I have always had extremely low self esteem which stem from being bullied and made fun of through pretty much all of my public schooling. So I'm also feeling like I may not be able to provide her with what someone else can or perhaps I'm not as intellectually stimulating as someone else is. I did mention to her yesterday that I don't believe now would be a good time to start a poly relationship as we're obviously already having problems with our marriage due to time apart and other stressful matters but she tells me that it's going to take time to separate her feelings for him. I don't want to completely cut him off as I know all that would do is severely anger her and possibly make matters worse. And as far as what she's told me about him..he really could use her help. I've already told her I don't have a problem with him being a friend, but that's as far as I believe it should be right now.