Should I be "looking"?

[PolyinPractice]

False.

I threw up a profile on OKC one night because I was bored and the personality questions are fun. I wasn't remotely "looking." A few months later, Auto re-entered the dating scene and started perusing OKC. We matched >90% so she fired off a message. I was intrigued, we went on a coffee date, and *click* we've been together for 2+ years now.

Indeed, the best things in my life have always fallen serendipitously into my lap, with little to no effort on my part. My motto has become "If things aren't working out, stop trying so hard."

Putting up on ad on OKC counts as "looking," imho, but that's not really the point. If the OP wants new relationships, he's agreed that he has to put effort into building relationships around himself, whether in person or online.

When my partner and I met, neither of us were looking, in fact we were both actively NOT looking and trying to focus on other things. But I think the connection happened partly due to luck (do you want to rely on that or not?), and partly due to us both working very hard to put ourselves both in a place where, if a connection DID come our way, we would both be able to take advantage of it. In poly, building that foundation is very important.

Maybe I neglected mentioning that part, OP. It's not enough just to go looking. If you find someone, you have to be in position to do something about it Things like, if you have kids, the kids are used to seeing you have friends over, of the same sex or opposite, with the wife around or not, so that when you DO have a date over, they don't think anything of it. Or whatever your particular situation is; perhaps you don't mind if the kids know about your dates, as they are old enough, or something.

Edit: I didn't see your responses regarding the, is creating a profile "looking," but, yeah that's what I meant. Pounding the pavement not necessary Though I'm not sure if online dating is as effective as the old fashioned approach, still

 

[Dagferi]

I met Murf at a classic car club. I had attended a couple of cruise ins with friends sans Butch. I have a 1953 Studebaker pick up. The car thing is not Butch's thing. After talking a few times Murf asked me out the rest is history.

 

[SchrodingersCat]

Putting up on ad on OKC counts as "looking," imho, but that's not really the point.

I think I'm the only one who can know whether I was "looking."

I guess the way I think of it is that "looking" means you feel like something is missing and you're going out of your way to find it. I look for my watch when I lose it. I look for my cat when she's gone too long. When I was tired of living in an apartment, I looked for a house. When my car started wearing out, I looked for a new one. When I was sick of working in a financial office, I looked for a new career path. When I moved to a new town and had no friends, I looked for people to connect with.

When I put up the profile on OKC, I was 100% content with my life. I had good friends, I loved what I was studying at school, and my marriage had never been better. Nothing was missing, so I wasn't looking to find it.

 

[LoveBunny]

I must admit I have been fairly actively "looking" for a couple of months now, spending time on dating sites, trying to make new friends and be more social, flirting at bars, etc.. I figured this was taking my sexuality into my own hands--why wait around for the universe to deliver? I want a girlfriend, or maybe a new guy to play with, why not go get it?

It's difficult to tell if this approach works better or worse than doing nothing. Honestly, this is my first "dry spell" since I started dating outside my marriage a year and a half ago, and before that was monogamous for 15 years, so I'm very green to 1) dating while married, 2) dating in my 40's as opposed to my 20's and in a much smaller city. So I'm listening to any and all advice!

 

[kdt26417]

Heh, I could post enough tips to derail the thread. But to be brief about it, I just think sometimes it takes a lot of patience. Who knows, could be years before you really find what you're looking for. And watch out for pretenders, predators, and con artists! They are out there, and will try to take advantage of you if they can.

@ juber ... I think you realize that at the end of the day, you'll have to decide for yourself whether now is a good time (is there ever a "right" time?) for you to start looking. Intuitively I feel like the answer is, "Yeah, start looking." When you catch yourself staring at the possibilities, it's a sign that you might as well get out there and see what's available. I guess you could argue that there's too much drama if you and your wife both have new relationships with rough patches in them at the same time. But what's "solidly established" anyway? You could end up turning that into an excuse to chicken out on the dance floor and not ask that cute girl over there if she'd like to dance.