Should I break up with my bf bc he may be seperating from his wife?

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sludgepot

New member
Alright, so heres some history about the situation:

i'm in a relationship with a married man. he and his wife have been together for 8 years, 5 of which they've been married. for the past year, they've opened their relationship to casual sex. no emotional commitments were allowed outside of their marriage up until recently. it was a joint decision as they were both seeing people they had feelings for.

my boyfriend and i have been seeing each other for three months; two of which have been as casual friends with benefits and for the last month we've been in a committed relationship. our feelings for each other are quite intense. we love each other immensely.

everything has run quite smoothly until recently. at NYE, his wife was upset that he spent the night with me, instead of going out with her and some friends. also because my boyfriend and i had told some mutual friends about our relationship. our friend's wife decided to contact his wife to make sure that we were telling the truth. (FYI, NYE and telling friends about our relationship was something my boyfriend spoke to his wife to confirm if she was comfortable with it beforehand). this happened the day after NYE, so with everything happening basically at the same time, it was difficult for her. But they talked things through and it was all worked out. It seemed like our relationships were fine afterwards.

Until this past friday. My boyfriend doesnt tell me about the issues in his marriage and when we first met, he led me to believe that they had such an amazing, stable relationship. I still believe that their relationship is great and I have the most respect for this woman, but it seems like things are going downhill. They're talking about my boyfriend moving out of their home and getting his own apartment. This is especially difficult because they have a child together. this doesnt mean that they'll get a divorce. they still plan on staying together to see if the space helps reignite passion in their relationship.

Part of me is SO EXCITED. This means he will have more time for me but even typing that makes me feel guilty for being selfish. Especially because how difficult this will be on their daughter. i've told him this before, and i told him again today, that if he needed to stop seeing me to better his family and his relationship with his wife that I would understand. But he feels like it wouldn't help the situation at this point.

So should i take the initiative and give him space/distance myself? I really dont want to but i feel like shit because of this whole situation. I feel responsible for this, in someway or another. Or am I too concerned for a relationship that isn't any of my business?
 
I too concerned for a relationship that isn't any of my business?
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This. I think you might be overthinking it. And you seem to be taking responsibility for things that are not your business. I mean that kindly.

The NYE thing? He talked it over with her before hand. So... not your biz. It was their joint decision to try this on to improve the (him + her) relationship and reignite passion. So... could leave them to it. They are working it out (him +her ) stuff in their own style. Could let it be their job.

It's ok to feel excited that he might have more time with you in the near future. Nothing wrong with that and that isn't you being "selfish." You looking forward to something doesn't mean you are rooting for his marriage to fall to pieces and are being a vulture. You are allowed to feel happy on the (you + him) side of things.

And his relationship with his wife is his and her business to sort out.

Part of me is SO EXCITED. This means he will have more time for me but even typing that makes me feel guilty for being selfish.
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That whole sentence seems to play out like this:

  • 1st thought: He will have more time for me in the near future. I am happy excited thinking that!
  • 2nd thought: I am selfish for thinking about how these changes affect my life. I feel guilty now.
  • 3rd thought: Everything is my fault, I should break up with him to punish me. (Even though I really don't want to break up.)

It is you calling yourself "selfish" that is fomenting "guilt" feelings. You calling you names? Well... of course you feel bad when you down talk to you. I don't know where the punishing stuff comes in. It's overdoing it to want to break up with him over what is essentially you thinking weird stuff like whatever happens between them is your fault. He is in charge of his behaviors, his time management, his other relationships.

I think when things happen that could affect you? It is natural to wonder how much those things affect you. That doesn't mean you are making the whole world be about you in a fit of selfishness. There is a difference between (I care what happens to me) and (I care what happens ONLY to me -- me first at the expense of everyone else -- screw them!)

Galagirl
 
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I would take it slow, but aside that I pretty much just concur with what GalaGirl said.
 
Sigh...I know the pain you went through and it isn't fun. Thank whoever you pray to that there aren't kids involved, and don't feel guilty about the breakup of a relationship that had nothing to do with you. Support him and be kind....and be considerate of the fact that you may look like a home wrecker to some. Do nothing that will facilitate that story, which, for the moment, should mean you and he are careful of when and where you're seen and wait patiently for things to settle between him and her. Then do whatever you like. But let that relationship resolve first.
 
Hi sludgepot,

It sounds like they're not necessarily 'separating' but trying something different. This could be a great thing for their relationship. I often think that some poly relationships can benefit from separate living spaces. It can mean that people are able to be more present in a quality-based way when they are together, rather than treating each other as part of the furniture. It can also mean more autonomy and freedom in terms of seeing other people, and it can make it easier to deal with your partner seeing someone else if you don't have to sit watching them texting every night.

Also, are you sure there will be more time for you? Has he said that?

If it does mean that, you aren't breaking up a home. Their relationship is their relationship. It's not about you, but about him and her. If the NYE thing was a problem, for instance, that's not your fault, but your boyfriend's responsibility. He is bound to his marriage and the guidelines and issues within it, you are not.

So should i take the initiative and give him space/distance myself?
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I would imagine that if you suddenly pull back, this is going to freak him out. Instead, why not focus on giving him the type of support that he asks for? Don't offer to pull back or end your relationship so that he can ease your conscience by reassuring you. That's taking, not giving :) You've offered it now, so leave it at that.

Instead, take it easy and see where it goes. Don't put pressure to automatically see him more often and accept that he might have a few weeks or months where things are up in the air because he's adjusting. It may or may not impact your relationship at all.

When I was first poly, I had been with a man for 5 years and a woman for around 6-8 months. The relationship with the man wasn't working, and I moved out. This was very painful, as I'm sure it might be for your boyfriend and his wife. Unfortunately, when I moved out, my then-girlfriend immediately assumed that this would ramp up our own relationship... But I needed time to find my feet. She got upset whenever I got upset about the situation, she didn't bring any comfort, and she was impatient. What I would have *loved* is if she simply said "I know this is really hard for you. I'll be here for you whether you need space or not." That would be my advice to you :)
 
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