Should I stay or go? Need advice :/

[freeforever]

Hi everyone,

Desperate ole me again. I have a new situation with my boyfriend that I'm not sure how to handle. This was my last post: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=94087

Essentially, he broke a boundary in our relationship, hid it for months, confessed, and now I'm having a hard time being comfortable, trusting and happy in our relationship again.
To summarize my last post, we had a misunderstanding about our boundaries, and he's also a super high functioning alcoholic. Since then, I got over the misunderstanding pretty quick and he agreed to get treatment for the alcoholism (has an appointment set up).

Here's the current situation:
We agreed not have sex with exes, and he did it when I went to visit my hometown. He didn't tell me until months later. I asked why he did it? Why he just didn't bring it up to me? He said it was because he thought that I would break up with him. I think after our Big Misunderstanding he's afraid of my reactions. Poly comes a lot easier to him. I need a patient listener, and I'm pretty good recognizing when I'm getting flooded and need a sec before returning to a conversation. Overall, I just want him to respect me enough to let me know when there is someone new. This ex makes me feel especially threatened and is not really someone I care to have in my life extensively because a) she handles poly a lot better than me apparently b) his emails and notes to her are so loving. He barely compliments me the way he does to her even though I've told him it's something I want and it turns me on. He has no response when I told him this. c) when I hung out with her, she mainly bragged about herself, and she talks like a teacher in a condescending way. She pretty much asked me no questions about myself and showed little interest in me. d) there was someone sort of drama that happened with her at the DIY art space my studio is at, and essentially a good friend of mine really hates and her view is that she stole money from the art space....honestly, it was all probably miscommunication and non-financially-inclined folks doing financial things, so I don't know what the real story is.
The reason he gave me for why he had sex with her in the first place was it felt okay to do. He also lied to her, btw. Sounds like he was being impulsive to me.

How we're handling the aftermath:
In general, I get the sense that he is impatient about it being hard for me to move past it, but he's trying some to work through it with me. I didn't tell him about someone I had sex with in the beginning of our relationship, and told him months later...it didn't bother him that I didn't tell him, and he said he just want me to be happy and hoped it was good (it wasn't). So as you can see, not telling him doesn't bother him, so it's hard for him to understand why it bothers me.

He asked me if he could go visit this ex and play some music shows with her. I was flabbergasted that he could be so insensitive with his timing. I said, this is really bad timing...give it some time before you approach me with that question. We have issues of our own that need to be dealt with here! Since then, he has not talked to her, but he is understandably sad about that.

I bought a book about relationships to read together...he reads it with me, but not on his own. It's like ...you're the one who caused this. Why am I the one heading this thing?
It's hard for him to understand my feelings and he becomes defensive and he thinks that maybe I don't want to be in an open relationship. On my end, I feel like I want to be with someone who respects me enough to tell me in a caring way that they have an interest in someone. I just don't want to be in an open relationship with someone who lies and disrespects me.

I see that he is trying and being way better, but I wonder if I should stick around? Is he just an impulsive man child who is not capable of understanding the feelings of someone he loves? Maybe it would be better if he was with someone who felt the exact same way about things so it wouldn't be such a reach for him to try to understand? He feels no jealousy at all. Am I being too demanding and anxious? He's been saying I make him feel like a bad boyfriend and feel like he's not the right person for me....he seems to be phishing for compliments when he does this, which I give him. (even though he doesn't give me any when I told him it's something I'd like to hear from him sometimes). Maybe he's just too immature for me. Also maybe I'm holding him back from what he wants...to be able to go about freely and explore his connections with other people without having an anxious girlfriend to talk to about it. Or is this a growing pain in our relationship and we'll get past it and become stronger? It is getting better. but if it's getting better why I am I still sad? He's done most of the things I've asked but he seems drained.

I should also say that this is my first committed relationship and I have no idea what I'm doing. Maybe I'm just not cut out for this sort of thing, or maybe I'm too much of a perfectionist.

 

[WhatHappened]

Go.

He's an alcoholic who breaks agreements, lies to you for months on end, and leaves you feeling that you're the one who needs to do the work to fix things.

What future do you honestly see with him?

 

[GalaGirl]

I am going to guess. I might guess wrong.

but if it's getting better why I am I still sad? He's done most of the things I've asked but he seems drained.

Because it's not all the things you ask for, and it takes him SO much effort. So you are sad he is not enough. He does not actually meet your personal standards for what you seek in a partner. Does not make the cut,

I should also say that this is my first committed relationship and I have no idea what I'm doing. Maybe I'm just not cut out for this sort of thing, or maybe I'm too much of a perfectionist.

If he simply doesn't meet your personal standards for what you seek in a partner? He doesn't meet them. Lowering your standards might help him make the cut, but would it really make you any happier?

Only you can answer if you are done here or not.

If it is your first committed relationship? Then it may be your first committed relationship break up, so you don't know that side of yourself well enough yet to make decisions more quickly. My first serious break up dragged on longer than necessary because I was on the fence about so many things. In the end I left, but really? I could have been more decisive and less waffly. I could have left sooner and it would have been better for me all around. I learned that about myself and later break ups went better and not so draggy because I learned to make firm decisions more quickly.

I could be wrong. But you guys do not sound compatible even if there was no alcoholism layer to contend with.

Things bother you that don't bother him, he's not esp sensitive wanting to go hang out with the ex again, you are doing most of the healing/repair work (like leading him along, he takes no initiative), his idea of "Open" doesn't match your idea of "Open", when he feels bad he phishes for compliments...

I think you sound like you have outgrown him and are sad about coming to the realization, maybe.

If you want to do Open with someone who is less impulsive, more mature, does not lie, is respectful and handles his other relationships in an Open model with more grace? This is not sounding like the guy. Maybe somewhere you know that, but are still processing it and not at final acceptance about it?

Galagirl

 

[breathemusic]

We all make mistakes and learn and grow over time in relationships... but sometimes too many mistakes are made in a particular relationship for everyone to just get over it and move on.

It sounds like you are learning and growing given that this is your first committed relationship, but also you're new to poly. But also that your partner is not capable of moving at your pace, or respecting boundaries that aren't in line with how he would like to be able to do poly, resulting in him continuing to make lots of mistakes. On top of that, while he seems to sort of attempt to work on them, it sounds like he's not REALLY putting in that much effort to do so.

I don't think that all of these issues mean that you're not cut out for committed relationships or poly, but it certainly might mean that you're not going to be able to make that type of relationship with with this particular person.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi freeforever,

I wonder if it would help the two of you to go see a couple's counselor. You do seem to be just about at the point of breaking up. Also from your earlier thread, I remember that the two of you originally agreed that neither of you would see any exes. Has that agreement been changed? Is your boyfriend now allowed to see his ex?

I don't blame you for being sad/frustrated.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[FallenAngelina]

he's also a super high functioning alcoholic. Since then, I got over the misunderstanding pretty quick and he agreed to get treatment for the alcoholism (has an appointment set up).

1. Couples counseling doesn't do doodly squat for a relationship that involves problem drinking.

2. What is this treatment? Alcoholics don't get treated or cured, they embark on the long, lifetime road of recovery, which is challenging for themselves and anyone close to them. There is no such things as going to get "treatment" and coming home "treated."

3. "Super high functioning alcoholic" is not a type of person. it is a stage of alcoholism. Alcoholism is progressive. AND "super high functioning alcoholics" are still active alcoholics: very difficult to be close to. It's really important that you don't soft pedal his drinking issues and all of the issues beneath his drinking. It's really important that you take responsibility for being drawn to someone who has a drinking problem. You have chosen him. Why?