Should the relationship between primary/secondary be shared and non-exclusive?

[yul]

Hello,

I am wondering if there is a "norm," in the sense that, if I have two women in my life, do they have to be good friends?

Also, is there a guideline/balance in the sense that we either spend all the time together (three of us) or apart?

I am fairly new and am trying to make sense of what would work.

My partner is not fully okay with poly, but I am really trying to make it easy for her. She is okay with me having another girl "friend," yet she wants communication to be shared, as well as time spent together. We do light play and kink occasionally with other people, but it's all in the same room and there is no emotional attachment. I guess I am halfway there.


Thanks!

 

[LovingRadiance]

There really isnt a "norm." I highly advise hitting the blog section of the forum and reading through a few. There are so many different ways it can go.

 

[redpepper]

There is no "norm," but metamours that get along, and are not only friendly, but with everyone considering each other, and giving as much as is comfortable, seems to work better. Once that is established, there is any way it could go from there. It's all negotiable, with honest communication and creating fluid boundaries as you go.

Boundary negotiation, in my life, is a daily occurrence, and more often than that, sometimes. Sometimes we all want to hang out, and sometimes we don't. We are not new to this, though. At the beginning, we had to be very honest about not wanting to spend time all together sometimes. It was a learning curve and got easier with time.

I would suggest looking at threads with the tags "triad," "vee," "secondary," and "metamours," or whatever you feel interested in, of course. LR had a good point about the blogs section, also.

 

[BlackUnicorn]

Hello and well met!

If I have two women in my life, do they have to be good friends?

Not a norm, but often they are. I heard a very good point on this; if there is somebody great enough out there I would be completely comfortable sharing my mate with, what are the chances I would NOT like them too? Compersion can play weird tricks on you, too. Of course, some metamours make you just look at your partner and go, 'Wow-- so they are in love with someone like THAT? What does that tell me about them, or me?'

Also, is there a guideline that we either spend all the time together or apart?

Please don't spend all the time together. That might feel most comfortable at first, but is actually emotionally hugely stressful to everyone involved. Pursuing separate relationships would be my advice, and then, when everyone knows everyone, start spending some quality time the three of you together.

She is okay with me having another girl "friend" yet she wants that communication to be shared, as well as time spent together.

Shared equally between her and the other woman, as in, 'three nights are yours, and three nights are mine, and on Sundays he can sleep alone?' -kind of arrangement? What do you mean by shared communication?

 

[Tonberry]

I would suggest spending some time with the three of you together, but also having one-on-one time. Otherwise, I find I prefer metamours knowing each other (whether they're both dating me, or it's me and a partner's partner), but it's possible your relationships will work differently.
However, since one of your partners at least seems to want that, I would definitely give it a try.

 

[yul]

Thanks a lot! This is helpful!