Singled out from other partners

P

palos05

New member
Hello everyone,

I wanted some advice on how I should handle this situation I'm dealing with, because I am new to poly and personally don't know if I might be overreacting. I am monogamous, but my bf is poly, which doesn't really concern me. They explained everything to me from the get-go and I didn't mind being in this relationship.

So far, we have been in a relationship for 4 months. My partner has a wife and she has maybe 3 other partners. Recently, my bf began seeing another partner besides me and his wife.

Long story short, my partner had an outbreak of genital herpes and they accused me of giving it to them, according to their timeline. They said that it was because I used to be with a criminal, and according to the last time we had sex, it couldn't be anyone else. My bf and I had sex about 3 weeks ago and this week he had the outbreak. They met with a new partner a week before their outbreak and all of a sudden they have herpes. I told them that in almost 4 months nothing happened until they got with a new partner. But he is 100% positive it came from me. They said their new partner tested negative, and that they fully trust their wife and her partners, and the only one left is me.

I went to get tested. I am still waiting on results, but I know for a fact I do not have herpes or any other STI. But to be sure, I tested anyway.

I was pretty upset when he singled me out and accused me, then told me not to take it personally and he doesn't care if I gave them herpes. I guess I'm just upset that he was so quick to jump to conclusions and put the blame on me. Am I overreacting? I feel like I don't want to continue this relationship because of how they were so quick to judge me and blame me, as if I'm not already an oddball in this whole situation.
 
palos05 said:
Hello everyone, I wanted some advice on how I should handle this situation im dealing with because I am new to poly and personally don't know if I might be over reacting. I am monogamous but my bf is poly which doesn't really concern me. They explained everything to me from the get go and I didn't mind being in this relationship. So far we have been In a relationship for 4 months, Anyway my partner has a wife and she has maybe 3 other partners. And recently my bf began seeing another partner besides me and his wife. Long story short my partner had an outbreak of genital herpes and they accused me of giving it to them according to their timeline. They said that it was because i used to be with a criminal and according to the last time we had sex that it couldn't be anyone else. Me and my bf had sex about 3 weeks ago and this week he had the outbreak. They met with a new partner a week before their outbreak and all of a sudden they have herpes. I told them that in almost 4 months nothing has happened until they got with a new partner but he is 100% positive it came from me. They said they're new partner tested negative and that they fully trust their wife and her partners and the only one left is me. I went to get tested and am still waiting on results but I know for a fact I do not have herpes or any other STI but to be sure i tested anyway. I was pretty upset when he singled me out and accused me then told me not to take it personally and he doesn't care if I gave them herpes. I guess I'm just upset that he was so quick to jump to conclusions and point the blame onto me. Am I over reacting? Because I feel like i don't want to continue this relationship because of how they were so quick to judge me and blame me as if I'm not already an oddball in this whole situation.
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You are not overreacting. They are. And honestly herpes is prevalent so them jumping to any conclusions is just ignorant. I would feel attacked and not supported at all.

They all need some education on std (especially herpes) and how and when it spreads.
 
Ariakas said:
You are not overreacting. They are. And honestly, herpes is prevalent, so them jumping to any conclusions is just ignorant. I would feel attacked and not supported at all.

They all need some education on STDs, especially herpes, and how and when it spreads.
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Thank you! That's exactly how I feel.
 
Herpes is not like most infections. Many people are exposed and don't even know. It can lay dormant for years and outbreak for no reason. There's NO WAY TO KNOW when you got it or from whom, unless you are in a long term monogamous relationship and it pops up out of nowhere. 😒

Some would argue that the tests are very unreliable and having any kind of sex with any other person puts you at risk. The more partners you have the higher the risk. Many drs won't even test for it because there's no way to prevent the spread except abstinence (no skin-to-skin contact) and it's way too stigmatized.

If a person knows and doesn't share that, or take antivirals to reduce risk them, yeah, I'd be upset too. But EVERYONE has to take personal responsibility for their choices. Each person chose to have sex with whom they did and need to be responsible for that choice and live with the possible consequences. They could have everyone test, then test again 6 weeks later (because it takes up to 6 weeks after exposure for antibodies to show up), before having sex with ANY new partner. (Even then it's not foolproof, as sometimes tests aren't accurate.) Did they do that with all partners? If not, they should bear responsibility for their obtained disease.

Herpes is not a life ender. It's an inconvenience, yes, and can be dangerous for women having babies, but it won't kill you, and most people rarely, if ever, have breakouts. There are antivirals for that.

Your partner needs to get educated before aiming blame. One thing you know: you may have been exposed, and you'll need to wait 6 weeks to get tested again to know or not.
 
palos05 said:
Hello everyone, I wanted some advice on how I should handle this situation im dealing with because I am new to poly and personally don't know if I might be over reacting. I am monogamous but my bf is poly which doesn't really concern me. They explained everything to me from the get go and I didn't mind being in this relationship. So far we have been In a relationship for 4 months, Anyway my partner has a wife and she has maybe 3 other partners. And recently my bf began seeing another partner besides me and his wife. Long story short my partner had an outbreak of genital herpes and they accused me of giving it to them according to their timeline. They said that it was because i used to be with a criminal and according to the last time we had sex that it couldn't be anyone else. Me and my bf had sex about 3 weeks ago and this week he had the outbreak. They met with a new partner a week before their outbreak and all of a sudden they have herpes. I told them that in almost 4 months nothing has happened until they got with a new partner but he is 100% positive it came from me. They said they're new partner tested negative and that they fully trust their wife and her partners and the only one left is me. I went to get tested and am still waiting on results but I know for a fact I do not have herpes or any other STI but to be sure i tested anyway. I was pretty upset when he singled me out and accused me then told me not to take it personally and he doesn't care if I gave them herpes. I guess I'm just upset that he was so quick to jump to conclusions and point the blame onto me. Am I over reacting? Because I feel like i don't want to continue this relationship because of how they were so quick to judge me and blame me as if I'm not already an oddball in this whole situation.
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It's unfortunate that the situation wasn't handled with more care and understanding, rather than doing the blame game. It is totally not fair to you, especially if you haven't gotten your results. I bet your bf will feel really bad when they come back negative. You have cause for concern, as the outbreak is recent and you have been with him for months.

Give yourself some grace. Your feelings are valid. However, I do think expressing your feelings to him and having a more constructive conversation will go a long way!
 
Hello palos05,

You made the smart decision to get yourself tested, this way when your tests come back negative, your boyfriend won't be able to accuse you anymore of giving them an STI. On the other hand, you may want to consider breaking up with them if they are going to treat you like this. You are monogamous, and are willing to have them be polyamorous. That is very generous on your part. You don't deserve to be accused of giving them genital herpes. In the meantime, don't have sex with them, as they may give it to you. I'm sorry you are going through this.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
palos05 said:
Hello everyone,

I wanted some advice on how I should handle this situation I'm dealing with, because I am new to poly and personally don't know if I might be overreacting. I am monogamous, but my bf is poly, which doesn't really concern me. They explained everything to me from the get-go and I didn't mind being in this relationship.

So far, we have been in a relationship for 4 months. My partner has a wife and she has maybe 3 other partners. Recently, my bf began seeing another partner besides me and his wife.

Long story short, my partner had an outbreak of genital herpes and they accused me of giving it to them, according to their timeline. They said that it was because I used to be with a criminal, and according to the last time we had sex, it couldn't be anyone else. My bf and I had sex about 3 weeks ago and this week he had the outbreak. They met with a new partner a week before their outbreak and all of a sudden they have herpes. I told them that in almost 4 months nothing happened until they got with a new partner. But he is 100% positive it came from me. They said their new partner tested negative, and that they fully trust their wife and her partners, and the only one left is me.

I went to get tested. I am still waiting on results, but I know for a fact I do not have herpes or any other STI. But to be sure, I tested anyway.

I was pretty upset when he singled me out and accused me, then told me not to take it personally and he doesn't care if I gave them herpes. I guess I'm just upset that he was so quick to jump to conclusions and put the blame on me. Am I overreacting? I feel like I don't want to continue this relationship because of how they were so quick to judge me and blame me, as if I'm not already an oddball in this whole situation.
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Sounds pretty crazy to me. Why didn't they just say we all gotta get tested and be done with it. You are 100 percent justified in feeling the way you do
 
To me, polyamory is a more complicated relationship style that can't work without basic precepts.

Healthy open communication
Self-awareness
Respect for self and others
Commitment
Devoting focused positive energy to your dates and people

Implying you are "dirty" because you used to date a "criminal"? I mean, what? Anyone can catch herpes, and it can crop up on your mouth or nether regions. Little kids can and do catch it from each other just from slobbering on each other, sharing drinks and toys.

Nowhere here do I see respect for you. I'd move on. This is an indication of greater problems.
 
What has someone being with a criminal has to do with it? That's such a reach and wildly judgemental. Anyone can get it. What else is your partner going to accuse you of because you have been with one in the past.

And you are very right to rethink continuing the relationship with this person. If partner is not even willing to wait it out for tests and jumping the gun. The narrow-mindedness only would turn me off, but that's just me.
 
Could be an indication of greater problems indeed.
I'm usually not fast to say "move on". I can find apologies. Him jumping to conclusions sounds like panic, some people are panicky and some people can deal with it.
However, you've been together four months and your relationship styles don't match. Honestly, there's not much to lose.
He says he fully trusts his wife's partners (and presumably their other partners?), but not you. Feels shitty.
This particular conflict likely can be resolved, but it is also ok to take this situation as an impulse to move on, if you're inclined to do so.
 
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