Sleep sharing in a V

H

HistoryLives

New member
We are still working on a very new V, our first with me as the hinge.

My bf is not local, and only is able to visit perhaps once a month for a weekend for the foreseeable future. My husband was working the first time my bf was able to visit for one night. Bf and I got to sleep in the same bed all night. Then my husband came home and kissed me awake. It was just as wonderful if I were sleeping with my husband, and my bf loved it, as well. (See my intro for more information.)

How do you work out sleeping arrangements for one side of the V if someone is a distance away and you don't see each other often? My husband would like my bf to come up the weekends he (my husband) is off all weekend, but that would put into play the idea of me sleeping all night with only my husband, and leaving my bf alone each night.

Thanks for your help.
 
If your bf would be sleeping in, I'm guessing, a spare bedroom, the rare weekends he's able to visit with your husband's blessing, why can't you sleep with bf those few nights a month, especially since your hubby gets you all the other nights a month?
 
When my boyfriend stays here during my children's school year during the week my husband sleeps on the couch or in the spare room on the futon.
 
Thank you all!

I will work on gently bringing this up with my husband. I know it won't be easy for him, since he does not sleep well when I am not in bed with him.
 
Can't he survive without perfect sleep once in a while?
 
My husband works a week of nights, and then has a week off, so I am alone for a week, no matter what, unless bf were here. So, if bf came up the same week, I'd need to share a bit.

We made a trial for the next time bf comes up, when he will be here for two nights, that I will get one night with each, and then we will talk again. We will get there. It's just all so new.

Thanks again, everyone!
 
Sleeping arrangements

We have sort of the same problem. Here is how we worked it out. In our case, my wife D is the hinge, with me as her legal husband, and J as her "second husband." In our case, J does live with us, but is only home weekends due to his job. Friday nights are always J's and D's to spend together. I either work an extra shift, or just find something to do away from the house that night. We are lucky, as we have another place close by for me to stay at on Fridays. This gives them their alone time without any noise in the house and they have the freedom to date, or stay in, and do whatever. This standing "date" works well for us. Then we figure out what the arrangements are for the rest of the weekend after that. Normally I go back home Saturday and spend it in bed, sometimes with D, sometimes not. But we work that out as we go.

Does your hubby have an issue with you spending the night alone? It doesn't sound like it, so it should work well.

We are kinda short-timers here, and to live-in polyamory, but if you have any questions, I can try to help. Just message me.
 
In my house, my husband N could sleep in another room.

A fun option would also be getting a hotel room with the bf/OSO.
 
HistoryLives said:
My husband does not sleep well when I am not in bed with him.
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HistoryLives said:
My husband works a week of nights, and then has a week off, so I am alone for a week, no matter what.
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Well, if he expects you to be okay sleeping alone for an entire week on a regular basis, what's his problem? He should be able to handle sleeping alone for one or two nights every now and then. He is an adult, right? It never ceases to amaze me that there are grown people in this world who insist that they can't sleep alone. You could get him one of those long body pillows.
 
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nycindie said:
Well, if he expects you to be okay sleeping alone for one week, on a regular basis, what's his problem? He should be able to handle sleeping alone for one or two nights every now and then. He is an adult, right? It never ceases to amaze me that there are grown people in this world who insist that they can't sleep alone. You could get him one of those long body pillows.
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Me too, this. I don't buy that excuse. I think it's just another way people tend to try to control their partner. It's fine when they're sleeping alone for some reasons, but not when it's because of other reasons.

For example, the week that the OP's husband works nights, is it safe to assume that he does sleep during that time? And that he sleeps at home in their bed, at some other time of day? So, what does the OP do? Change her sleep schedule to match his work-sleep schedule? Something tells me that there are times when Husband sleeps in their bed without her, and sleeps just fine, especially if it's a regular thing because of working nights sometimes. Let's face it: he just doesn't sleep well "alone" when she is "sleeping" with someone else.

If he genuinely does have difficulty sleeping alone, because of monsters under the bed or whatever, there are things you can take for that: melatonin, valerian root capsules, Benadryl, chamomile, and there are also certain essential oils and relaxation techniques that help promote restful sleep.

I do love a good made-up excuse though. They are fun to pick apart and destroy.
 
My husband Maca doesn't sleep well alone. My live-in bf GG sleeps better alone. Generally I sleep with Maca until about 5am, then go curl up with GG when Maca gets up for the day.

That allows Maca to get his cuddle time in, which helps him relax before sleep, and it allows GG to get a few solid hours of sleep so he doesn't end up being exhausted.

I sleep best if I am alone, but I crave the companionship of the pre-sleep cuddle. So either GG or Maca will always cuddle up and tuck me in at night, regardless. For example: currently Maca is working out of town, so GG tucks me in and cuddles me for a few minutes. But we tend to sleep alone so we both get sleep.
 
Yeah, I sleep better alone too, but it really depends on how much the other person snores. Spouse and I have been sleeping in separate beds for years, but we "visit." My bed is a single, so I usually start in Spouse's bed, then go back to my bed when the snoring starts. I am a very light sleeper, and if the other person snores, I usually keep waking them up, trying to get them to stop, which does nobody any good.

As I said, I am not dismissing the idea that some individuals do sleep better with company in bed, but there are things that can be done to help with that. I just find it interesting that it varies with the circumstances of why the other person is not in that bed, too.

LR, How does Maca cope with his sleeping situation when he is away from home for weeks at a time for his job?
 
I sleep better with Murf. I get a good night's sleep with him. We have to touch, but just barely.

Butch sleeps better with me, but he disturbs my sleep. He snores loudly on occasion and invades my space. I deal with it because it makes him happy, but I look forward to my nights with Murf.
 
BG, Maca sucks at sleeping when he's away from work. He takes a prescription sleeping pill, but even that doesn't work. It's frequent that I will wake in the morning and there will be hours of texts on my phone (he knows I shut if off, so it's not going to wake me) because he couldn't sleep.

Even at home, he is up and down all night through. He sleeps like shit. LOL! He does better if he has someone to cuddle up to, but he struggles with restless leg syndrome, and the meds for that don't always work either. So it's frequent that he will cuddle up with me, and a couple hours later get up and go to the couch. *shrug*

I think a lot of people put too much attention on sleep and who's doing it where (including Maca). I am much more concerned with having quality time when I am awake.
 
LovingRadiance said:
I think a lot of people put too much attention on sleep and who's doing it where (including Maca). I am much more concerned with having quality time when I am awake. :)
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I feel the same way. I get a sort of hoity-toity feeling inside me whenever I see a thread or a post on here from someone trying to figure out how to make a bed that will fit 3-4 people who all have various sleep issues that are mutually incompatible, to say nothing of the triads who all want to sleep next to the one they are not next to, or vice-versa... A friend of ours said to me that not sleeping with their spouse would be "reason to divorce," and they are monogamous (and yes, she knew it was SLEEPING, not a euphemism for having sex).
 
My husband has sleeping issues due to medications he takes. It messes with circadian rhythms and going off of it is not an option. However, I do not stay with him all day while he sleeps. I snuggle up and we talk while he unwinds for the day at work. Otherwise, I would not really see him, except when he gets ready to go back in, and that is to get out the door.

Once he is asleep he is fine.

Funny thing is my BF also has sleep issues, but when he stayed with me all night he slept like a log.

I personally dislike sleeping alone, but the reality for my husband is he has not been able to get a switch to days at his company (although that may happen soon), and we stay with that company since the benefits are fantastic for our family needs, regarding the insurance, etc.

After 10+ years, it is the "norm" for us, in many ways.
 
That makes sense. Clearly it is not related to clinginess or neediness, or control issues. However, it sounds like you are sensitive and aware enough to make it work, provided the two guys are also working with you instead of against each other.
 
BoringGuy said:
I feel the same way. I get a sort of hoity-toity feeling inside me whenever i see a thread or a post on here from someone trying to figure out how to make a bed that will fit 3-4 people who all have various sleep issues that are mutually incompatible, to say nothing of the triads who all want to sleep next to the one they are not next to, or vice-versa. A friend of ours said to me that not sleeping with their spouse would be "reason to divorce," and they are monogamous (and yes, she knew it was SLEEPING, not a euphemism for having sex).
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I'm not sure what you are saying here. What is the "sort of hoity-toity feeling" that you get? You are agreeing with LR where she wrote:

LovingRadiance said:
I think a lot of people put too much attention on sleep and who's doing it where (including Maca). I am much more concerned with having quality time when I am awake.
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So I'm assuming that sleeping arrangements are just not a big deal to you, and you don't get why so many people make a big deal out of it?

For the record, since this thread is about sleeping arrangements: we have one king-sized bed in the house and one couch. We all have different and irregular schedules. We are all fine with sleeping alone, or with one or the other, or both. MrS has his side of the bed, Dude has his side of the bed, and I sleep in the middle, regardless of whether there is anyone (currently) with me or not. We are all champion sleepers. Nobody wakes up if someone else gets up or goes to bed.

On occasion, if MrS is snoring too loudly for Dude to fall asleep, or MrS gets too hot, or I am taking up more than my share of the bed/bedding, then sometimes one of them will choose to sleep on the couch. Not me. I am the only one that has to sleep and get up at particular variable times, and need about a 1/2 dozen alarms to accomplish that. They are in the bedroom.

My favorite position though is to fall asleep alone and wake up in the middle between my sleeping boys. Ahh... mmm. So cozy. :D

JaneQ

P.S. No one is seriously seeing anybody else right now. We do have plans, in the future, to add an additional room so that Dude can have his own "space"/bed... you know, for "entertaining." ;)
 
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Essentially, the best way to fix this problem might be to do a trial of something and then communicate how that worked. Trial and error.

Am I understanding this right--
Hubby works nights, but wants boyfriend to visit when he's not working, so that leaves you stuck about who to spend the night in bed with?
Does boyfriend care if you sleep with him?
Are boyfriend and hubby equally keen to sleep with you?
What are your own wants?

Possible trials:

- When BF visits, you only sleep with him
- When BF visits, you sleep one night with him and one night with hubby
- One visit, you sleep with BF, the next visit, you only sleep with hubby
- BF visits one time when hubby works nights, and you sleep with him. The next time, BF visits when hubby isn't working, then you sleep with hubby. Take it in turns.

and so on....

If it helps to hear my personal experience, my GF has a husband of 10+ years. I am her other primary partner, but I live in another country 6+ months of the year for now. I visit them for about 12 weeks at a time, and when I do, I have my own room. I never think "because her hubby 'has her' all year, she has to sleep with me every night when I'm there." Granted though, if I saw her one weekend a month, it would suck if I was never able to sleep with her.

What works best for us is a happy compromise! More than the quantity of time, what actually bothered me more than anything regarding sleeping arrangements was feeling like my GF's "bit on the side," which went against our relationship model. She would basically decide when she wanted to sleep in my room and when she wouldn't. There was no structure, and I was basically always left waiting, hoping she would come in. It's only fair to your boyfriend to hear how he feels and ensure that you and your hubby don't fall into the trap of deciding for him.

What does work for us is that I spend less time sleeping with my GF than her husband does. I've adjusted to sleeping on my own and actually really enjoy it now. GF sleeps in my bed on two set nights of the week, in general. This is easily flexible and can be more or less, depending on what makes sense; but it gives me a general feeling that I know what to expect. This also helps me to be able to arrange my own time, because if I know that GF isn't scheduled to sleep with me on a certain night, I can make my own plans to chat with my play partners online, or whatever else.

So, overall, I don't think it's about equality, it's about reaching something that everyone feels is a fair compromise.
 
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