Smashing windshields

GreenGecko

GreenGecko

New member
At LR's request, I'm starting my own thread regarding the issues between us that have plagued our relationship for years, but more so in the last year.

I will let everyone know upfront that I have a problem with trying to justify my actions with what becomes deemed as excuses, which likely are 90% of the time, but in my mind they are legitimate reasons. When I try to explain WHY I do, or have done things, it ends up coming out as not good enough.

I AM passive, and tolerant, which has negatively impacted a large part of my life to include this place in our relationship as well as me losing my job. I'm really not an asshole (if I were, LR would've dropped my ass years ago). She is brilliant and I envy her mind.

Many of you that have been following LR's threads and her blog know that I have ADHD. I do take meds to help manage it, but I still struggle with prioritizing responsibilities, clutter, organization, low self esteem and time management. These are very much individual issues that I need to be able to manage as a functional adult, but because they are still issues, they greatly affect the rest of my family in very negative ways.

LR's descriptions in previous posts make me sound like a complete disaster of a person, and maybe I am... But while I can see where there are issues and problems, I don't see them as negatively as she does. Of course, there are 2 sides to every story, and again, I have a tendency to "defend" myself, which only results in arguments. I do try to avoid conflict and confrontation, but always with Her, because I hate knowing I'm hurting Her.

I suppose the real reason I'm posting at all here, is to see if anyone has any advice for me in how the hell I can salvage my 20+ yr relationship with LR, my truest friend and love; as well as with Maca, who has never deserved any of the drama my existence in his life has brought him; and of course the kids, OUR kids, who deserve the love of strict boundary-enforcing parents.

My issues aren't specifically poly-related issues, but my poly-family is certainly affected by them.

So, has anyone been in my shoes? It's been suggested that I reach out to GalaGirl specifically, but of course any and all advice is welcome.
 
GreenGecko said:
At LR's request, I'm starting my own thread regarding the issues between us that have plagued our relationship for years, but more so in the last year.
Click to expand...

So what has changed in this last year to make things reach the point of critical mass? What would you do differently now that you can look back?

So....anyone been in my shoes?
Click to expand...

I haven't been in your shoes, but my husband exhibits similar traits and it can be crazy-making.

FIRST - Make an appointment with your therapist ASAP and have a laundry list of issues to discuss.

SECOND - Apologize to everyone and own your mistakes. Do not try to explain or justify your behavior. The WHY is not important except to help you figure out how avoid repeating it, which is yours to deal with. Let them know you are ACTIVELY working on finding solutions. Keep the family updated on the steps you are taking. This will let them see you are making an effort. E.g., "I have an appointment with the therapist on _____. I have set a few reminders on my phone, but will someone help me remember this?

LR has said she has sent you reading material. If you still have it, read it. Discuss it with someone. Google works really good for most stuff.

Do any of these sound familiar?

  • Putting off responsibilities
  • Carrying out responsibilities late, not at all, or inefficiently
  • Sulking
  • "Forgetting" to do things or using forgetfulness as an excuse not to do things
  • Being reluctant to accept others' suggestions
  • Being afraid of those in positions of authority
  • Having pent-up feelings of anger
  • Resenting and blaming other people

Some people that don't disagree or voice their resentment; it's their behaviors that indicate that they're passively ignoring a request or responsibility, or doing it only with resentment. If these sound familiar, researching passive-aggressive behavior and how to avoid it could be a great benefit.

Things will likely seem crazy for a while. When it's getting to be too much, say so. Communication is key. Good luck.
 
Thanks for your 2 cents, SNeacail...

Nothing's really changed in the last year, and I think that's part of the problem. Summers are the busiest time at my former job. Lots of major projects, and being on salary, lots of demand on my time and availability. LR has hated my job since before I began it, but I really wanted it to work. So I kept trying... and failing miserably.

Last summer, Maca worked out of town, same as this year, only the rest of the family was here and only a couple visits. LR felt abandoned while both of us were essentially gone. I tried to appease everyone, but I suck at juggling. Anyway, that's when things really started picking up speed downhill. And I haven't been able to stop it.

Yes, that list is very familiar, except for the last three. I don't fear people in authority; I fear letting others down. I have people I vent to when it needs to come out, nothing pent up that I'm aware of... and the only person I really ever resent or blame is myself. Sometimes I get upset at my mother, how I was raised and the traits I've learned from her, but I don't use it as an excuse, which is why I end up resenting myself. I'm an adult, fully capable of making my own choices. I can recognize this plain as day. But I have a hard time staying on track and being proactive instead of reactive. I know what's important to me and what I want, but working to obtain or REtain is often difficult.

I'm full of perfect intentions. I have always been the supporter, the rock, the shoulder... but now I've become toxic. I owe it to my loved ones to pull my head out of my ass. Losing this family scares the hell out of me and I am so close to crossing that line.

Yes, I'm going to schedule a session with my therapist tomorrow.

Thanks again for the help.
 
Hi GreenGecko,

Thanks for sharing some of the story from your own point of view. I don't know quite what to advise although it seems like therapy sessions need to intensify. Make sure your therapist knows how serious the problems have become and why.

Breaking up might not be necessary but from what I've read it sounds like separating domiciles is necessary. Once that's done, I suggest hiring a housekeeper, as well as setting goals to do some of the housekeeping yourself, perhaps turning to your hired help for suggestions and training.

Dental problems need to be addressed and followed through on. Which may sound like a trivial thing, but little things can add up to big things over time. A medical doctor also needs to be consulted about the ED problem.

I am actually not much of an expert in any of these areas. I did go through LR's blog from the start but I scanned through it rather quickly. So I have only picked up a few things here and there, and those are what I'm basing this post on.

Getting therapy sessions to be more productive is probably the #1 task that needs to be tackled here. Like SNeacail said draw up a comprehensive list of everything that's amiss so you won't forget anything. Don't just include items that you're concerned about; include items that LR's concerned about as well.

That's all I can think of for the moment. If you'll keep us posted on how things are going, I might be able to come up with other ideas.

Again, kudos for posting about these things, I think it shows courage to do so.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
From what I remember reading in LR's blog, she objected strongly to you and Maca working 'too many' hours, and not having enough time for her and family. Yet this was a requirement of your job. Now the problem is you have no job, but plenty of time for family? It seems to me you can't win.

I personally have a problem with a situation being posited as completely one person's fault. That, to me, is a clue that there are problems on both sides, and they will not be solved by one person coming here, tail between legs, to hear what a screw-up he (supposedly) is. In fact, the more a person talks about how everyone around her needs to fix themselves, the more I suspect there's more to the story.

My personal advice is to take time to yourself to decide what YOU want to change about your life.
 
Thanks kdt.... I called the therapist this morning, but may have been too early and I left a message. I will get a call back today to schedule. I'm creating a list of specific issues I need to discuss with her that I will bring with me. I am also going to find out if I can keep my insurance coverage through September or not. Therapy isn't cheap...

Housekeeping I can do. I can clean the house, it's mostly organization, and yes, hoarding that are my weak areas. MY room can get pretty cluttered. The shower not being cleaned that LR mentioned in her posts was largely due to not thinking things through. I'm in the shower first thing in the morning (and until I have meds and coffee coursing through me, I am a zombie in the morning), it just isn't something I ever think about. And since everyone's been gone, it's an effort to transition over to covering the other "chores" that other people in the house typically take care of. So, until something is "noticeable" to me, if it's not something I would normally take care of, it's pretty much "out of sight, out of mind". This is also an issue I need to resolve.

The health issues....it's not that I mind going. Not afraid of dentists or doctors, but because they cost so much money, in my mind there's always something else more important needing dealt with. So...that's also a procrastination issue...it keeps getting put off. Rather, I keep putting it off.

Thanks again for your input! :)
 
GreenGecko said:
Housekeeping I can do. I can clean the house, it's mostly organization, and yes, hoarding that are my weak areas. MY room can get pretty cluttered.
Click to expand...

However, it's really hard to clean when there is clutter everywhere. My family are clutter magnets. It takes special conscious effort to go through all the papers, and stuff that builds up over the week, but it has to be done. A good rule of thumb at our house, if we haven't used it, gone looking for it or even remembered we had it in the last year, it will either go into storage or tossed. Stuff stored in the garage, shed, attic, etc is gone after 5+ years of non usage.

There is always a few things that are too special or too expensive to get rid of. Lets say you have 3 boxes of "special" items, are they doing anyone any good in the back of a closet? Would a picture that you can hang on the wall or make into a wallpaper for your computer be a better use of space? Display a few items and rotate them occasionally - pack everything else away (rotating keeps it in the 1-5 year rules :)). If something new comes in pack something else away.

I like gadgets, but I have limited space and even less money so I have to think to myself "where will I put it and what 2 items can I get rid of that this will replace?" Needless to say, thinking about what the new item is supposed to replace keeps me from buying something just because (okay, only most of the time).

Put hoarding on your list for the therapist!
 
WhatHappened said:
From what I remember reading in LR's blog, she objected strongly to you and Maca working 'too many' hours, and not having enough time for her and family. Yet this was a requirement of your job. Now the problem is you have no job, but plenty of time for family? It seems to me you can't win.

I personally have a problem with a situation being posited as completely one person's fault. That, to me, is a clue that there are problems on both sides, and they will not be solved by one person coming here, tail between legs, to hear what a screw-up he (supposedly) is. In fact, the more a person talks about how everyone around her needs to fix themselves, the more I suspect there's more to the story.

My personal advice is to take time to yourself to decide what YOU want to change about your life.
Click to expand...

Well, it's never only one person's fault, there are many other things that factor into the situation I am in. However, LR has always been the strongest push, the loudest voice in my life to help me find and do what will help me become the best version of myself.
At times, it may appear as if she's trying to "change" me, but that's a reactionary thought process. She loves me for ME, not FOR my faults, but beyond them. And being that she is my best friend and my partner, she feels it's her duty and responsibility to help me (and others, as you can see through anything she responds to on this website) become the best version of myself. Not only does that benefit ME, but her as well and the family as a whole. But when you keep trying and trying with someone, as so many people do, and there is little to no positive result...well, that's when you have to make a decision. And that's where she's at with me right now.

And where I'm at is struggling between knowing that I need to better myself and resolve the issues that are plaguing my life so I can be a happy productive member of society; and desperately wanting/trying to change to a productive and reliable member of this family, a productive partner to LR and Maca, a productive parent to our kids, and the BF/lover/partner/friend that LR deserves.

In large part, while there were discrepancies between us PRIOR to the job I just lost; putting so much time and effort into that job for the past 5 years has only compounded those discrepancies. I struggled SO hard to keep both, but it literally became a tug-of-war between the two entities. My relationships (which I have always claimed to be my top priority) vs. my Job (which demanded being my top priority). And she was right from the very beginning. There was no way I could keep both. The stress of which, has also compounded the ADHD issues I struggle with, which led to LR kicking me out.

But, this was ALL my choice. I didn't want to be a failure. I should have followed Tarantino's quote from Pulp Fiction "...Fuck pride. It only hurts. It never helps." Because of pride (...among other things), I've just lost out on the past 5 years. All the turmoil and struggle; blood, sweat and tears of trying to make everyone happy...flushed down the toilet. And so, now I AM a failure, and I have hurt those I love most in the process of that failure.

So, how do I make up for that? How is LR supposed to feel? Does Maca have a right to be angry at me? (for the record, I don't know how he feels about the current situation, so I don't want to insinuate that he IS angry..)

I agree that I do need to take some time for myself and make honest, well thought out choices of what I want for my life, what will make me happy, etc. I'm 38 years old, I should have been working on it years ago. But I never knew how to think about bettering myself. For the past 21+ years, I always thought I just wanted to make LR happy. But the past 5 have shown me otherwise.

Thanks for your insight...
 
I just want to point out that before you can make up for certain behavioral patterns and whatever hurt they've caused, you have to first figure out how to stop those patterns from recurring. So, for now let's work on changing the patterns. We can work on making amends later on.

Items for therapist list (I assume there's more than three but these three are the ones on my mind at the moment):

  • hoarding,
  • sorting priorities,
  • procrastination.
But everyone does dysfunctional behaviors in moderate amounts. To make the therapist understand the size of the problems, you have to describe the physical scenes left behind by these behaviors. What does hoarding *look* like in your life? Describe the scene. What is procrastination *causing* in your life? Describe the most serious consequences in vivid terms.

I certainly sympathize about how expensive doctors, dentists, and therapists are. Here is where you have to figure out the best order of priorities.

  • IMO, getting a new job is your top priority right now. Without that, you won't be able to pay for anything.
  • Next priority is seeing your therapist (and intensifying the productiveness of your therapy sessions). Your therapist is your tool for fixing and organizing everything else.
  • Next priority is seeing your dentist regularly and getting that area taken care of. ED is a problem but it's technically not making you physically sicker and sicker. But your dental problems are making your mouth sicker and sicker. That makes it a higher priority.
  • Your final "doctor priority" is working with medical doctors and stuff to treat the ED. This has to be the "last" priority but it's still really important.
So, tackle the first priority first, then work your way down the list. And, tap into your therapist to figure out how to sort out many other priorities as well.

I'm sure that to fix things between you and LR, there's things both of you will have to do. Sometimes something as innocent as an unconscious assumption will lead to a misunderstanding and upset. For that you may need some couple therapy. But I see that as further down the road.

One final note about doctors: It's okay to seek a new doctor (therapist, dentist, whatever) if the one you're currently seeing doesn't seem to be helping you reach your goals. Not all doctors are created equal, and not all doctors will make a good fit for you. So it's okay to shop around -- just don't give up on the job altogether.

Hope that helps somewhat.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I'm sorry you struggle. :(

Some things I wonder if you have identified as things to talk to your counselor about:

1) How do I know when to throw in the towel appropriately? Not like giving up too early, but like accepting something is just not working for me or for my family. I think if you could learn to discern that, you could have stopped the job that was sucking up all your time sooner. Maybe not be piling up belongings to deal with later, but later never comes, etc. Learn to cultivate decisiveness by using discernment skills.​
​
2) How can I get better at saying NO to things, to free me up to saying YES to the things I love and care about most?​
​
3) How can I get better at time management? Do I need to make a schedule and use a timer? Do I need to be aware when I go "down the rabbit hole" and time flies? Do I need to translate "circle work" into "line work" so I actually do it?​
​
4) When I am the one taking the meds, how I can even tell if they are working well for me or not? My perceived reality may not be actuality, since I'm under the influence of medication. What will be my double-check-- LR, Maca, something else, like an evaluation tool or journal?​
​
5) How do I learn to take constructive feedback as feedback on my behavior or my situation, rather than as criticism about my value or my personhood?​
​
6) How can I learn to process disappointment in a healthy way? Like, "Oh, that situation is a bummer," or, "I'm sorry, I cannot fit that in my schedule at this time," or, "I am sorry. I am not available. I hope you can get someone else," and similar, without it dinging your value or personhood, like you are failing people personally, rather than things just not lining up right now?​

To you I would say... so what? In the good way. :eek:

So what if you are in passive mode when in neutral?
So what if you have ADHD?
So what?

You could be blond, green eyes, 2 ft tall and ride a broom to work... so what? It doesn't make you less valuable as a person or less responsible for your stuff and your family. It does not make you unable to shift into another gear. Just that your natural neutral idling setting on your "car" is "passive."

To me--

  • Self image is your picture of your personality, ability, looks
  • Self esteem is what you feel about that picture, your worth, your value.
  • Self respect is feeling proud of yourself and your behavior.

If you do not feel happy with your self esteem, change your self image. How do you do that? Bump up the self respect. Treat yourself with more self respect, dignity. Choose behaviors you can feel proud about. Your self image will change, and so will your self esteem, over time.

I think sometimes you and LR get stuck in that "WHY, WHY, WHY?" hamster wheel. Who cares why? Sometimes understanding why helps put things into context and then people move on to how to fix whatever it is. In this case, I think you guys might do better skipping or postponing the WHY processing, because it holds you back from moving forward in the here and now. You guys trigger some patterns and get stuck.

You could move on to HOW so you can move some of it forward, maybe not in the best or most elegant way, but no longer so stuck. A work in progress. Come back to the why, or NEVER come back to the why of this past year of weirdness. Chalk it up to just weird. Move on to the next, hopefully better future in the coming year. Get off that WHY track and just move on to the "HOW do I do the next thing?"

Practical suggestions:

  • Make the doctor appointments.
  • Put in your vacation time, see if that can extend the fire date so you can get your retirement.
  • Do whatever other HR things you need to be doing and wrap this up.
  • Organize to seek another job. In the meantime, pitch in more at home.
  • Take some time to consider what tools you need for time management.

Although I do a Google calendar to keep track of family life with my spouse, I actually rely on a paper planner for myself. Maybe your personality likes apps or some other tools better. Take the time to figure this out.

Digital space being endless, it's too easy to over-schedule myself. I go with a monthly-weekly planner. I also like less screen time in my life, so this is meditative to me, as well as organizational, because I find writing in longhand soothing.

I write down my top 3 things to do before bed for the next day in pencil. The main must-do gets a start. Flexibles get (F) next to them. When the day is done, I cross things off and circle what did not get done. I look at the circles make that be the #1 for the next day and jiggle the other flexible stuff around to work out across the week.

Sometimes craziness happens and I have to focus on 1 thing a day rather than 3 main things a day. But that is what I do. Cross off and circle. At the end of the week, I check I don't have any circles still hanging there like loose bubbles. Periodically I schedule a "catch it up" Saturday morning or day to get things caught up.

Everyone is different. Maybe some of these ideas can help you organize.

GG
 
Last edited:
GalaGirl said:
Sometimes crazy happens and I have to focus on 1 thing a day rather than 3 main things a day. But that is what I do. Cross off and circle. At the end of the week I check I don't have any circles still hanging there like loose bubbles. Periodically I schedule a "catch it up" saturday morning or day to get things caught up.
Click to expand...

While I'm super bad about this, my mom always said that when the crazy happens and you can't get your list done, make sure you ADD all the other stuff that came up and you did do instead and cross those off. If you had to go rescue a friend that was having car problems, write it on the calendar/to do list and then cross it off.
 
Hi GG (Rut-roh, now I have to find something else to call GalaGirl! :D)

I tend to be passive (learned helplessness behavior over many years of my in-laws taking care of us) at times as well, and I've been a procrastinator my entire life.

Two things that *sometimes* help me:
- The Flylady axiom that, if something takes less than 30 seconds to do, just do it now. I don't really follow Flylady, but I thought that piece of advice was huge. It doesn't always occur to me, but I've gotten better at not letting the little things pile up anymore.

- Automatic reminders. Take the initial time (do NOT procrastinate or it won't get done!) to set up a calendar with annoying little reminders for EVERYTHING. If I need to set trash out on Wednesdays? I set an alarm that night. If I want to have the coffee ready in the morning? I set an alarm to set it up the night before. At first, it's a lot of ding-a-linging to get into the habits, but eventually the habits can stick.

Hang in there... It's not the same level, but from my previous marriage, I know how easy it is to forget how to be self-sufficient when you depend on others to take care of you. We lived across the street from my in-laws, so we didn't even own our lawnmower, for crying out loud! Everything was borrowed, every repair we needed to make was made by their handyman, every car problem was handled by them (they owned a shop). When I divorced my ex and moved out, I alternated between being baffled at how to DO anything anymore and pissed off with myself for letting it get that far.

You have more challenges (ADD, etc.), but it's still doable. It takes work, though. Hang in there, and definitely keep talking to folks. It helps. :)
 
An additional thought for you GreenGecko:

If there's work you need to do on your relationship with LR, then one reason for that could be that you have no set time limits for getting that job done.

There's one vast time limit that no one can put off: the end of one's mortal life. If you could see that time limit as the necessary frame within which all lesser time limits must be fit ... Have you thought about the inexorable end of your own life? what you want to accomplish before then? how many years you want to take (for example) to fix the relationship (in relation to the ultimate time limit of mortality)?

Maybe if you start by estimating largest goals in terms of decades? years? then dividing those goals into smaller goals of months? weeks? then dividing those goals into jobs of days? hours? If you really got into it you could set timeframes of minutes and seconds but the point is, your life clock will run out before you accomplish any of your goals if you don't set time frames for them.
 
Are there any aspects of your life that do still feel good about? Aspects of your job that you worked on easily, without procrastination, maintaining focus?

If so, can you draw anything from those experiences, to figure out why they worked when other things didn't? Could you incorporate any "success-inducing" features into responsibilities that haven't been met as readily?

Also, does paying attention to successes give you any clues as to what things you truly want or find satisfying?

Just seems like only paying attention to the negatives could be pretty overwhelming.

I also like the idea of lists where you cross stuff off. It's good to have that reminder of what you have managed to do.

Good luck!
 
So much great advice!

I really appreciate everyone's input. Sorry I've been away. Yesterday was a pretty stressful day. LR and I were trying to communicate and it didn't go so well. I have a hard enough time trying to stay focused and on topic without losing myself to incoming thoughts that may or may not pertain at all to the immediate conversation. When there's tension, frustration and other stress clouding my thoughts, it's that much more difficult to make sure I understand the info coming at me, as well as making sure I'm expressing myself in a manner the other person can comprehend.

Lists... yes, I know lists. I used them at work. I try hard to use them here at home. Sometimes it's easier to have them on paper, other times it's easier to have them in my phone or tablet. I spent a good portion of the morning today getting all the reminders set in my tablet; alarms and checklists as well. So now I can focus on getting myself into a routine and sticking to it.

I haven't spoken to LR since yesterday. It kills me that we can't talk without there being an argument. I end up getting so frustrated most of the time because I'm either not understanding what she's trying to explain, or vice versa. Then I feel ignorant, and my mind goes blank. I'm at a loss for words at that point. I don't know what to say anymore. Then, if someone hasn't hung up on the other, we sit in uncomfortable silence for a while before someone hangs up. I don't know what to say to her anymore.

LR's the type to talk every thought out until an issue is resolved. I don't know how to do that. I'm quiet, thinking and considering. But what I do isn't communicating. And if there's no communication, then how can we resolve anything?

Ok, sorry. You guys aren't shrinks, or at least not MY shrink. That's just where I've been the last 24 hours or so.

I want to be clear. I don't want anyone to get the impression that I'm looking for sympathy or pity. And I certainly don't want to view LR in a negative perspective. I want to apologize right now if anyone out there has gained that impression from me. I just don't really have anyone I can talk to about this that is neutral and won't be biased to either side.

No one involved, not LR, Maca, the kids or our closest family/friends deserve any of this drama. I'm trying everything I know how to do to fix this mess without making it worse. I'm trying to realize the steps I need to take in order to make progress. So again, I want to thank you all for your ideas, thoughts, advice and suggestions, especially your support for all of us.

I miss my family. I miss LR. The hardest part for me is knowing that they are hurting, especially LR, and whatever I do to try and make it stop, just ends up adding more fuel to the fire.

I'm sure there's something so simple... an action or a thought, that I just cannot see or understand or realize, that would help fix this mess, or a large chunk of it anyway. I'm trying to stay positive. Generally I'm optimistic about bleak situations... not so easy to do this time.

I really appreciate you all. Thanks.
 
Ugh, I hate that moment when I go blank because I feel pressured. Maybe just ask for time to sort your thoughts out before answering.

And... stop beating yourself up for being who you are. You will find a way to reconnect. But when you want a flower to grow, you don't smash it with a hammer and yell, "Grow!" You see if it needs more water or sunshine, a bigger pot - and slowly make changes. This is your opportunity to inquire and check in with yourself to see what you really need.


YouAreHere said:
Hi GG (Rut-roh, now I have to find something else to call GalaGirl! :D)
Click to expand...

LOL, actually Gala Girl is the "new" GG to oldtimers here. I always had to make an adjustment in my head whenever I read anyone referring to GalaGirl as GG. He's been a member here since way before I joined, though didn't post much, and we'd been reading LR's posts about GG for ages before GalaGirl joined.
 
Last edited:
I actually do sympathize, but I'm not singling you out; I feel bad for LR and maca and the whole family too. I know all of you are suffering at this time, and can't help but feel sympathetic about that.

I think that later on down the road you and LR will need to get some couples counseling to help you learn to communicate more productively with each other. I say later on down the road because it seems to me that in-depth relationship work can't easily (if at all) be done while trying to fix other major life problems (such as finding a job and getting medical/dental help). I am thinking that you'll want to keep your conversations with LR as short and sweet as possible, limiting them to just the stuff that has to be figured out immediately. Anything that can be done later, take a rain check on it. Don't just forget about it. Put it on a long-term to-do list. But don't try to fix everything all at once, is what I'm saying.

Another thought about communicating with LR is, what about doing it by email. Then there's not all that uncomfortable silence, and you have time to think about how to formulate what you want to say.

The list of major tasks to accomplish in chronological order as I see it are:

  • Wrap things up with the old job.
  • Secure a new job.
  • Find a decent place to live.
  • Intensify your work with your therapist.
  • Follow up on dental issues.
  • Consult a doctor about the ED issues.
  • Prepare yourself to move out of State (to the same locality as LR).
  • Arrange for couples therapy with LR.
Re (from GreenGecko):
"I'm sure there's something so simple ... an action or a thought, that I just cannot see or understand or realize, that would help fix this mess or a large chunk of it anyway."
Click to expand...

I think that when you're dealing with a condition such as ADD, you can't expect anything to be simple. Although learning how to sort, organize, and prioritize is probably a large chunk of the overall task.

This may sound off-the-wall, but have you watched many episodes of Hoarders? You should watch a bunch if you haven't. Not because seeing the messes would "scare you onto the strait and narrow," but because the show highlights the internal challenges that the various hoarders are facing. The mess is just a symptom, and solving the real problem is all about digging deep into the internal issues.

One common theme that comes up in Hoarders is that the person with the hoarding problem has to learn to make choices. Keep this, dispose of that. Is this item helping me, or hurting me? What's most important? Why is it important to me? What do I need to do first? What's stopping me? How is it affecting me emotionally? What are my own needs, and how can I meet them in a way that won't hurt my loved ones? Watching the various hoarders struggle (with the help of their therapists) through these kinds of decisions is really instructive, I think.

Another common theme that comes up in the show is that it's *not* easy (or simple) to dig down to the root of the problem. Some of the hoarders tell their therapist, family, and the cleaning crew, "Just throw away everything." And the therapist always says, "We can't do that because that doesn't help you fix your internal issue -- the things which caused this situation in the first place. You have to learn how to make these choices independently."

In most cases, each episode ends with a lot of the mess cleaned up but not nearly all of it, and symbolically, the hoarder is far from done with the internal work s/he needs to do. S/he'll have to keep working with his/her therapist for quite awhile before the internal stuff is sorted and organized.

And, in some cases, the hoarder just isn't able to accept the help, and just isn't ready to tackle the internal problem. I would take those episodes as cautionary tales but I wouldn't condemn myself to that fate if I were you. It's a very hopeful sign that you created this thread and are willing to listen to things that must be hard to hear. For that reason alone I think there's every reason why your story can be a success story. No need to eat the whole elephant at once, just tackle it a bite at a time.

I'm no shrink but I'm very willing to help in any way I possibly can.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
ADD/ADHD is a very common trait among hoarders and/or those who don't hoard, per se, but live in squalor and clutter. There is a difference. Hoarders, well, they hoard - in other words, they collect and save and have a very hard time throwing or giving anything away. They compulsively shop in multiples or pick their neighbors' garbage to acquire things. People who live in squalor but do not hoard, have difficulty cleaning and organizing, but might not have a compulsion to keep bringing home new stuff.

Hoarding used to be considered a subset of OCD, but recently it has been decided to give Hoarding its own separate entry as a disorder all its own in the DSM. There is a scale from 0 to 5, used by various groups and professionals to determine the severity of hoarding and/or squalor at which someone is living.

Anyway, one trait that is very common is that people who tend to surround themselves with mess just have a need to visually see what is there. Putting things away in filing cabinets, drawers, and whatnot, doesn't work for them because it's out of their sight, so they can't keep track of it and can forget its location, or even that it's somewhere in there. So, they have piles everywhere or will acquire more of the same things, and so on. There is also a disconnect that happens between the mess they see around them and how bad they perceive it to be, much like an anorexic person can't see how thin they are. There are different types of organizational tools that can help with getting the stuff put away but still visible or easy to know what is where, like clear bins, labeling systems, and stacking trays instead of file cabinets. However, decluttering comes before cleaning and organizing.

There are wonderful support groups and online forums for "messies." If you google around, you can find them.
 
Last edited:
It sounds very much to me as if you're treated like a child by your partner. You may have faults and flaws, but having someone who stops you from being accountable for those issues isn't going to help you in the long term.

The other thing that concerns me is how your partner described taking your child away from you and the idea that if you did things in ways that she approved of, you'd be able to come too. None of that sat well with me. I'd seek some legal advice about what you can do to preserve your relationship with your child(ren).

Have you considered that working on your independence and having control of your own life may actually make you happier in the long run? It may promote healthier relationships with your loved ones. I'm not saying that you're perfect, you admitted to having bad points as we all do. I'm just not sure that this overbearing, mama bear approach is actually the best way to counteract them.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top