Smelling the flowers

I'm consumed with worry about how my son is going to manage being a single father to a newborn. I've created a list on Amazon of things he'll need for the baby. Sometime between spring and late summer I plan on hosting a baby shower for him. Whatever items he doesn't get through the shower I'll get. He'd like to come visit soon because he needs time with family. I'm hoping he'll be able to come again closer to the baby's arrival.

I put a couple of parenting books on the list. They are written for the father, rather than the mother, and I think he'll appreciate that. He's never been one to babysit or hold babies, so he doesn't have any experience. I wish I had a lot of vacation time I could dedicate to the baby's birth, so I could be there for a couple of weeks. At a minimum I will plan one or two short visits.

If he does come for a visit, I could buy some things now and he could haul them back. I am waffling between buying all new items or buying some gently used things off Craigslist and the community for-sale groups on Facebook. Already in the last day I've seen a number of very nice things for sale on these sites. If he drives up, then I'm more inclined to buy some secondhand things. Last night B said it would be funny if we took several cars to Kentucky to deliver things to him and to set up the nursery and gave him lessons. Not sure how realistic that idea is, but maybe we'll attempt something like that.

This is a fine mess.
 
I wish an admin would clean up all the spam that steklodeldiw has been posting all over this site. Sigh.
 
Yay! They cleaned things up. :)

The final touches on our cabinets will be done next week and other than a few minor things we'll be able to call our kitchen remodel done. I love how it has turned out. It's beautiful and so easy to work in. I love all the functionality. The appliances are off the hook. I'm really glad that we had them redo the install on the ovens, because the flush install is so much nicer. Now I just need to get with my niece and schedule the photoshoot.

Tonight we're meeting B at a pub in her town, because she's meeting a guy I used to date and his wife. My old beau and her are contemplating dating, or they were when this was set up yesterday morning. The wife wants to meet her. I say "were", because already B is pulling back and saying they can only be friends. Such a typical B move, but she really does have legit reasons for not getting involved with him and that's his wife. His wife is bipolar and unmedicated. When he and I dated I made the mistake of accepting a friend request on FB and we exchanged phone numbers for some reason that I can't remember now. This lead to lots of irrational communication from her. I told B that if he was able to shield her from his wife's crazy that dating him is fun and he's a super nice guy....he's just married to crazy. His wife has had a boyfriend for a number of years, but that doesn't mean she's okay with him having other relationships.

Last night we went to see Hidden Figures. It was so good; inspiring and also heartbreaking to see the outright racism. A lot of change has happened since the 60's, and it hurts to know that so many Americans think we should roll things back to those times. Hateful, small-minded people.
 
I had a nice weekend. :) Friday night we went out with B and my old beau. I wish I could remember if I named him on here at the time we were dating. I think I may have gone radio silent during that period. What was supposed to be drinks with him and his wife, a kind of meet and greet, turned into his wife staying home and the four of us going for dinner and drinks. It was fun, but lasted longer than we had planned. We are reluctant to have evenings like that when we have the boys, because it limits our time with them. But every now and again isn't terrible.

Saturday I made pretzel buns for the first time ever and surprisingly they turned out - well, the first batch did. The second batch I think I killed the yeast by heating the milk and butter too high and not letting it cool down enough before adding it to the yeast and flour. Lesson learned. The second batch turned out more like pretzel bites, because I cut them into smaller cubes than full size buns due to the dough not rising properly. They were devoured, so they weren't a total fail.

Golden had a birthday celebration day on Saturday. He started things off with a gaming day from 2:00-6:30 and then a bunch of his friends went out to eat with him, and then they went dancing. Bond and I skipped out on the meal and dancing, but we were around for the portion at our house. Barely anyone played games, though. Seemed that most of the guests congregated in the kitchen with the food and drinks. Most of these guests were our mutual friends and some of them hadn't seen the kitchen since it's been remodeled. I visited some, but mostly I made pretzel buns.

Sunday we were lazy sloths. We slept late. Didn't cook the kids breakfast. I made 15 bean soup in the IP, which was super easy and fast. Kids chose to not eat the soup. Whatever. I didn't really make it for them anyhow. Bond and I ate the soup.

B sent me a message saying I needed to get my fish tank running, because her snails were doing their reproductive stuff now that it's spring and she has a new clutch in the tank in her bedroom. So, Bond and I spent the afternoon doing fish tank stuff. The tank he got me for Xmas is 24"L x 12"D x 16"H. It's a 20 gallon tank. I love the LED lights. The night time lights are blue and the water looks totally blue when they're on.

I'm unsure of how many snails I want to get from B. I don't want to end up with a population I can't keep up with, but taking one seems rather cruel to deny a snail another one of its species. Still...

On the same note, I don't want any of her mollies, and I don't want to buy any fish that reproduce with abandon. I'm thinking of getting an angelfish and a couple of the other fish that were in the same tank. I don't know the name, but they're white/silver with a black vertical stripe. I'm also tempted to get some shrimp or a frog. I need to talk to the staff to see if these are all compatible. But first, we need a month of starter fish to get the tank off the ground. The angelfish are too sensitive to be the first ones in the tank, I guess. They recommended some tetras. I wonder if the Glotetras are considered easy starter fish. With the LED blue light they'd be very cool.

I want to go back to the store tonight and/or Wednesday to get plants and then fish. They have two big shipments coming in today and Wednesday, so that may be a game changer and I may end up with different fish than planned.

Last night M visited. Her BF had a political meeting nearby and she was at loose ends. She asked Bond if he was available to go for a drink or a visit at the house. He chose the house. I made myself pretty scarce, but did visit with her for about 10-15 minutes when Bond kind of snagged me as I was passing by. She has a fresh haircut and it looks really nice on her. I must say, I do not miss that woman. She and her BF are going to counseling which is a really good thing, but hearing that just makes me so glad Bond isn't seeing her any more. Drama llama. Constant competition. Never happy. Negative energy.

So different from B. B sent us this message this morning:

Thank you both for consistently loving me and showing me your love! It's wonderful not to ever have to question whether you are "into this" relationship or not. Thank you for <3 <3 <3 <3 ​

She had no clue that M was over last night. It was just a spontaneous, sweet message. Oh! I forgot to tell you that she brought me a bouquet of flowers on Saturday. <3

Saturday Thad (you may remember him from 2013. we dated for 8 months) and his 8 year old son came to Golden's birthday gaming day. He's been over before and whenever he is there he always wants to do it more often. I got a message from him yesterday asking if Bond and I would like to hang out with him and his GF sometime.
 
I read my journal from the beginning yesterday. It took hours, which surprised me. It was interesting to see what I left out of how things went down with Twitch and that dark period following our separation. I thought I had spilled it all out here, but I really hadn't said anything. It was my first experience with serious depression and emotional pain at such a deep, staggering level. I barely made it through it. After months of raw pain, and empty weekends on my own, I was at a point where I couldn't face the pain anymore. I started researching suicide methods and had selected one. I stopped myself from acquiring the materials and made a doctor's appointment instead. Luckily for me the antidepressants my doctor prescribed worked well for me and within a matter of days I was functioning again.

The thing with being to that point that surprised me was that I understood that at some point in time in the future I would feel better. It wasn't that I couldn't see that at some point the clouds would go away and the sun would come out again. It was that the pain of the moment I was in was too great to bear. So great that I couldn't outlast the storm.

I'm thankful for science, and doctors, because now I'm living a life that is amazing. I am loved and I love. I have two beautiful relationships. I feel secure, especially in my relationship with Bond.
 
Oh, and wow, reading through all that back and forth with Golden...he cray cray. I'm so glad that we aren't involved anymore. Whew! I'm also happy-dance happy that he's moving out at the end of May. Woot!
 
Today on my walk between my parking garage and office I decided that I should get a jump on buying things on the Amazon list I created for my son's baby. My daughter has gone several weeks now without needing me to send her money and this month is a 3 payday month, so there is some cushion. I think my family will be up to buying smaller items for him, but not able to swing the larger ticket items. I bought a car seat and stroller (Graco Click Connect), a Rock 'n Play sleeper, baby movement monitor, a jumperoo, and a thermometer. I wasn't going to buy so much today, but some of the things like the car seat and stroller had dropped 40% since adding it to the list 4 days ago.

I was a little nervous buying so many things at once, but figured it would be okay. This afternoon my daughter sent me a message saying the repairs needed on her car to make it road worthy would be more than the value of the car. Damn it. I contacted Twitch and he may help me out again. She said that her boyfriend may also help. I would love it if she could solve this on her own.
 
Bond gave me a 20 gallon aquarium for Xmas. We set it up on Sunday and last night we brought home our first captives. Tonight we're picking up plants and some starter fish.

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I saw the spine specialist today. He scheduled me for an MRI on the 14th with follow-up on the 21st. He prescribed gabapentin for nerve pain. I am hopeful that it'll help to improve my sleep. One of the side effects is to feel sleepy and mentally fuzzy, but it seems that after a period of adjustment that those symptoms may lessen as my body acclimates. He also suggested that I start taking Curcumin BCM-95 daily because it's an effective anti-inflammatory agent. Hopefully I'll be able to reduce the amount of ibuprofen I take if the curcumin works well for me.
 
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I took gabapentin for a while for my fibromyalgia. It helped a lot with the pain. I don't remember being sleepy or mentally fuzzy on it, so if that happened, it didn't last long. The side effect that I had, that made it so I asked my doctor to change to Lyrica, which is a newer version of gabapentin (and ten times the cost, even with insurance), was that while on it, I had very noticeable mood swings. Lyrica didn’t have that side effect, thankfully, however, I gained weight, even while eating carefully on lyrica and it seemed to not work well after a while, so I'm no longer on either.

I did want to warn you that alcohol can worsen the side effects. The one time I got really drunk while on it, I had a seizure, a rare side effect. I know most medication says use caution when consuming alcohol while on it, but since I had such a severe reaction to being drunk while on gabapentin, I thought I'd let you know what happened to me (I hadn’t a seizure before that one and haven't had one since).
 
Hannahfluke said:
I took gabapentin for a while for my fibromyalgia. It helped a lot with the pain. I don't remember being sleepy or mentally fuzzy on it, so if that happened, it didn't last long. The side effect that I had, that made it so I asked my doctor to change to Lyrica, which is a newer version of gabapentin (and ten times the cost, even with insurance), was that while on it, I had very noticeable mood swings. Lyrica didn’t have that side effect, thankfully, however, I gained weight, even while eating carefully on lyrica and it seemed to not work well after a while, so I'm no longer on either.

I did want to warn you that alcohol can worsen the side effects. The one time I got really drunk while on it, I had a seizure, a rare side effect. I know most medication says use caution when consuming alcohol while on it, but since I had such a severe reaction to being drunk while on gabapentin, I thought I'd let you know what happened to me (I hadn’t a seizure before that one and haven't had one since).
Click to expand...

Oh, wow! These are good things to know. Thanks for giving me a heads-up.
 
Petunia said:
Oh, wow! These are good things to know. Thanks for giving me a heads-up.
Click to expand...

You're welcome. Getting a little tipsy didn't seem to be a problem (like a glass of wine or a bottle of beer), however, if I'd get too close to drunk, I'd start feeling weird mentally, almost like a ringing in my ears, but the effect was a ringing in my brain, if that makes any sense. I never let it get past the start of that sensation, besides that first time, so thankfully only had the one seizure.
 
Thanks, Hannahfluke! I didn't get the prescription picked up last night, but I will this evening so tonight will be my first night to take it.

I made a low country shrimp boil in the Instant Pot last night. I needed a couple of things for it, so I stopped at the grocers on my way home. I was halfway home when I realized that I forgot the sweet corn and had to turn around and go back for it. Sigh. And then it took a long time to come to pressure, so we simply ran out of time to get to the pharmacy and the fish store like I had wanted. Tonight, though, it's on! :)

I can hardly wait to buy plants and pick up fish from B. She sent a message that she has new baby fish this morning. My worst nightmare. LOL. I do not want highly reproductive fish, so once we cycle the tank I think we'll move onto other types.

I am laughing and scratching my head over this post from a friend on FB about our new captives.

I love snails.... You know my friend .... the pet indresty would have never been complete w/o me......I can help you...serilusly....Id love
to see you anyway lol​

LOL, I really don't know what she's saying here.

All I could say was, " I'd love to see you, too. So curious about this offer of help. :)"

I ordered a lot of things for the kitchen and they will be arriving today. I got adhesive hooks to hang the stools inside the cabinet doors. Bond bought me two adorable stools that are black with white polkadots. They fold up nice and slim. Right now they are both in the cabinet under the prep sink which isn't bad, but if they were hanging on the inside of doors they'd take up less room and be easily accessible. I also got an orange waste bin that is narrow to hold dirty dish cloths, hand towels, etc. We haven't had a good system for these things ever since the washer and dryer were moved to the basement. At some point we'd like to put in a laundry chute, but the kitchen is pretty far from where that would be so even once that is put in I think we'll still need a place to collect them. I got a paper towel holder for under the prep sink. It's the free-standing type. We can either grab a sheet from there, or set the whole thing on the counter when needed. We don't use a lot of paper towel, so it's not all that inconvenient to have it out of sight. In fact, it helps keep our useage low. I ordered two sets of rare earth magnets, the super strong ones, to put on the outside of the sink, below the counter - out of sight, to hold a sink caddy (also part of this order) inside the sink for the sponge and scrubbies. Our sink is e-granite and suction cups don't work on that type of material. I read on Houzz that someone had used the rare earth magnets, so I am hopeful it will work.
 
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I made chicken and rice in my Instant Pot last night, SO GOOD! I'm kind of a kitchen gadget whore, but the IP is the best thing I've ever bought.

Also, I'm ridiculously jelly of your kitchen remodel!
 
RainyGrlJenny, isn't that a fantastic appliance?!!! Love it. Indian Butter Chicken and Cafe Rio Chicken are my favorites...I think. It's hard to pick.

I'm stunned over our kitchen. I never would have anticipated that I'd ever in a million years get to design a kitchen like this. I am so fucking lucky!!!! I'd say pinch me to see if I'm dreamy, but if I am I don't want to wake up. :D
 
OMG! Golden has made a U-Haul reservation for May 26th. Bond and I are so excited. He plans on taking the day off to help Golden move. I plan on helping the night before and the evening of the 26th, but I can't afford to give up a vacation day for this. Maybe if I didn't have a grandbaby on the way I could, but no way now that my son will be doing the daddy thing solo.

Oh, boy this means I should contact Bond's mother to see when she'd like to visit and also his sister. I think his sister is coming in August, but it would be good to know some dates. From there I can figure out what our window is for completing the painting and getting new carpet laid in the lower level.

Damn, this is exciting! I can't imagine what it's going to be like to have the house to ourselves. One thing I won't miss is the annoying shit that Golden does...like Sunday he drained hot bacon fat into my 1 cup OXO angled measuring cup which basically ruined it. Argh. Super annoying considering the glass measuring cups sit right next to the plastic ones and we also had empty tin cans in the recyclable bin that he could have used.

Last night we bought three plants for the fish tank and picked up 9 mollies from B. Pretty exciting! Three of the nine are day-old, so they are tiny, and the others are juveniles. Hopefully it'll be a while before they start thinking about reproducing. I did some research today on angelfish and it turns out that our tank isn't deep enough for them. Sad. Now I need to select another type that works well with what we have - tank size and snails.
 
Golden irritations continue.

Friday night Beanie had a birthday party with friends over at the house. We weren't there, because B had invited us over for tacos and because he hadn't invited us. When we were at B's I opened up Facebook to see a post he made with a picture of a broken mirror across his bathroom floor. It was the full length, heavy beveled mirror that had been in what is now his son's bedroom until the clips holding it on the door had given way. It's been standing behind the bathroom door for close to two years now. Evidently one of the kids pushed on it, because they didn't realize it was a mirror. Not thrilled about this happening, but not distressed either. It was a stupid place for a mirror and Bond could have hung it properly months ago. Still, it was a shame, because it was a really nice mirror.

When B saw the pic she requested the broken pieces for artwork, so it will live on and that's cool. What wasn't so cool is that Bond kept finding shards of glass/mirror in the kitchen rug. Best guess is that some spilled as Golden was on his way to the trash in the garage.

Saturday morning I noticed a big smudge on our bedroom wall that had to have happened during Beanie's birthday party.
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That long streak is about 7" long.

In total kid fashion, Beanie said she told the kids to stay out of our room. And then she said that they had painted their faces (with some kind of black makeup) and showed me pictures. I told Golden that we had a big smudge on our wall and he was like, "Oh, really?" and then did nothing about it. Yesterday afternoon I gave it a go and luckily it came off with a Clorox wipe.

Sunday morning as we were about to leave for breakfast Bond found another shard, so I sent Golden a text telling him that the rugs needed to be shook out, and the floor swept and mopped. He replied with a thumbs up. When we got back to the house hours later it appeared that the floor had been swept half-assed, but it hadn't been mopped. Fucking pisses me off. He is doing next to nothing and living scot free, well he does pay $38 a month. He and his GF spent almost the entire day downstairs and he didn't do anything around the house whatsoever until she left in the evening and then he swept the front room, broke a lamp, and retreated until dinner time, which I made. He disappeared as soon as he was done eating, and then reappeared when I was almost done with the clean up. He sent me out of the room and finished it.

Bond thinks he has checked out and that explains his lack of help around the house. I think it can be traced back further, to at least November when he had a big push for a project he was doing for his phD. His ex wife once told me that he was lazy and I believe her.

I started a countdown until his move day: 73 days
 
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Tomorrow the final touches to the kitchen cupboards will be completed. At least that is the plan. More work than one guy can complete in one day may push this out further. After that only a bit more needs to be done and we can call it a wrap. The tile person needs to fix a couple of grout issues and we need the electrician back, because one of the pop-up outlets trips the GFCI when we close it, and there is some missing trim on the large window on the outside.

I had an MRI this morning and next Tuesday I meet with the PA to learn the results and the plan of action. I started on the gabapentin Sunday night. I just realized I should have taken one this morning, as today is the day I step up from one to two a day. After two days of taking two per day I am supposed to move up to 3 per day. The dosage can be increased from there if needed. I think it's working, but I'm not sure it's enough to totally relieve pain through the night. I'm still restless towards morning. Maybe once I'm up to the three times per day level it'll be enough.

B had a rough day yesterday and actually also the day before, too. She had a late lunch with WP and his GF on Sunday and that left her aching with the pain of their separation, her daughter told her that sometimes she calls the GF mommy, and her mother who has ambulatory issues fell when on a walk and hit her face hard on the sidewalk and is terribly bruised all along the side of her face. So many tough things to deal with. By late afternoon she was starting to emotionally recover and by evening she seemed quite well. She joined us for dinner and then all three of us went to Polycocktails. Tonight is our triad date night. We're staying in and B is hosting. It should be a good night.
 
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B sent a message this morning that she may have her mother spend the night, and if she did then she'd be able to come hang out with us tonight. Which is really nice and also kind of stepping on what I consider my night with Bond. It's the one night a week that we don't have any kids and I tend to think of it as my (unofficial) night. I would be surprised if it's even on Bond's radar that I feel that way towards Thursday nights.

It doesn't help that they had had lunch plans with each other today that had to be broken, because B forgot about a doctor's appointment for her son. They rescheduled to tomorrow. This is the second week they've had lunch and it shouldn't bother me, but I am feeling a bit wobbly about it. It's silly because if I were there I'd recognize the ordinariness of it. I need to get over wanting to be there for all the things.

So, yeah, tonight I'll probably be sharing my night.

It's so silly that I'm unsure if I should share my feelings with Bond or not. I think if this becomes a regular thing, then yes, I will act on it, but until then I'll just let it be.
 
LCHF Kick-off

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I have decided to start doing Low Carb High Fat (LCHF) and I'm pretty excited, because I expect excellent results. It's very similar to the LA Weight Loss program that I did six years ago, but allows more fats and I think my body will appreciate that. I did really good on the LA diet. One thing I was bothered by was that they push you to eat their bars twice a day. At the time I wasn't much of a snacker in that way and after being on it for some time I started to feel like I had to have that bar. I believe it created a bit of an internal monster in me. :eek:

I joined a Facebook group earlier this week, and it's huge and very active. Lots of excellent support and food ideas. The pictures of people's weight loss are amazing. Very motivating.

When I read through the food lists of approved food and what to avoid, I feel good about it. It's healthy eating. It may take a bit for me to embrace some of the high fats - reverse programming ideas that have been pushed since the 70's. Fats are not the enemy, sugar is the enemy. I'm excited to go grocery shopping. It'll be hard though, because Bond's kids are not healthy eaters. They are Carb City! It'll be hard when trying to feed them and still stay on the LCHF way of eating (WOE).

Last night after dinner (spaghetti squash and broccoli) we sat down to watch a show, but I suggested a walk so that's what we did. Bond said that he didn't really want to, but that he knew he'd be happy he did it once he got up and started. We walked a lot longer than I anticipated and I think that may have been a mistake. I had a restless night with sciatic pain and I can feel it in my ankle, foot, and buttock more than I had been feeling it. Instead of letting it discourage me, I'm motivated to get my body adapted to activity again.

I weighed myself this morning; 155.4 lbs. My target weight is 130-133 lbs. I think I can hit that by summer/midsummer, or be pretty close to it.

The next two weeks as my body switches from getting its energy from glucose to drawing it from fat may really be tough. Kicking my Coke addiction will also be a factor.

All I know is that I don't want to be this heavy come summer time. I'm tired of looking this bad and I am tired of dodging the camera.
 
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Oh, wow, I'm tired. I really wish my weekends were three days long. I cannot wait until I can make it so. Hopefully in a year I'll be able to drop my hours to 80% and every weekend will be 3 days long...or I'll take a day midweek. That might be nice. Work Monday and Tuesday. Off Wednesday. Work Thursday and Friday. Saturday and Sunday off.

S2 was sick with a cold this weekend and by the end of Sunday evening we were suspecting that S3 was also coming down with it. Their school has been having a high number of students out sick this past week, upwards of 20%. Policy is that they will close if they hit 25% the boys said. I have no clue if it's already peaked or is still climbing.

Saturday we did this - with electricity!
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Lichtenberg Wood Burning

Yesterday a friend of mine came over and we played in the kitchen all afternoon. We made a double chocolate raspberry pavlova, an angel food cake (S1's 16th bday is Tuesday), a double batch of turkey meatballs (for the freezer), prepped strawberries for the angel food cake, and dinner for the family.

Our Double Chocolate Raspberry Pavlova
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We accidentally killed the meringue with the sugar substitute we used, but it was still delicious and beautiful.

Just saw this for the first time.
https://www.facebook.com/madisongasandelectric/videos/1394118950608735/
It's a video our electric company created and Bond, S2, and I are in it.

B's mother was in the hospital this weekend. She has congestive heart failure, and has had for the past 20 years. She was having difficulty breathing because of fluids around her heart. She went in Friday night and was released Sunday morning. Stressful! This week we moved our date night to tonight, because WP leaves on a ski trip tomorrow and B will have her kids all week (normally they go to their dad's on Tuesdays). It'll be the first we will have gotten to see her since her mother was hospitalized. We were in near constant communication, but didn't get any face-to-face time.

My new way of eating (WOE) is working! I can't believe I'm actually losing weight with how excellently I've been eating. It's easy to give up carbs when you get to add in fats. I'm down 2.1 lbs since Friday. Woot! I didn't lose any weight between Sunday and Monday and I'm blaming that beautiful pavlova. I had a piece and I shouldn't have. Which means using the sugar substitute didn't accomplish anything. Lesson learned and I'll be able to avoid its wicked ways in the future. :D

Friday night I'm going to my hometown after work to see my parents, my daughter, my sister, and other family. For a bit Bond considered going, but he's decided to stay home. I may have been instrumental in that. I brought it to his attention that if he wanted to stay home it would be a good opportunity for him to see Bea - if she was available. She is, and it looks like they'll be getting to see each other. :)
 
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