Smelling the flowers

Camping: clouds, cool days, and rain

Last week from Monday afternoon until Thursday early afternoon, we went camping with the kids. Bond and I were there the entire time, and Golden was there Monday until Tuesday AM, returning Wednesday AM. We kept his son with us. Wednesday morning he took his son back to his mother and returned that afternoon with his daughter. They both spent the night, but he had to leave in the morning bright and early for two court hearings. By the time he was able to get back to the campground we had everything out of the cabin and packed in the cars.

The plan had been for Golden to hang with the kids at the campground as late into the evening as they wished, and for M to bring her kids for the day and hang out. Initially when Golden set this up, M was going to be there the entire week with her kids, but she used a lot of vacation time up when she was in the hospital and money was also tight, so she pared that down to one day. Bond and I had his work anniversary bash to attend, so we needed to be home in plenty of time to get ready.

As it turned out, we had unseasonably cool, and rainy weather the four days we were there. Tuesday night there was a tornado warning and the power was out for many hours. We went to McDonald's for dinner and then played board games. Bond's kids also entertained themselves with math, fractions and lattice multiplication to be more exact. That made me smile. Smart, geeky kids.

Thursday started out very cold with sporadic showers. M cancelled on coming up, and none of the kids were interested in staying for the afternoon, so much to Golden's relief, we all left together around 1 PM. By the time we reached home the weather improved greatly and by the end of the day it was a picture perfect summer day.
 
Fancy Party

The perk for me was that the early departure allowed me time to shop for a cocktail dress for that night. I own quite a few lovely cocktail dresses that would have fit me in June, but sadly would be a bit too snug to look nice now. Additionally, those that I could have possibly worn were just a bit too fancy-smanchy compared to Bond's attire. Bond's general style is a t-shirt and shorts, or in cooler weather, a t-shirt, jeans, and a zip-up hoodie. In Bond's world dressed up means a button-up, collared shirt and cargo pants. :) And that's fine with me. I'd rather he wore clothes that he is comfortable wearing than clothes that leave him stiff and feeling awkward. He has enough issues on the introvert front when it comes to social engagements, no need to add to his discomfort.

The event was held at a downtown venue that is modern and stylish. The doors and walls had big prints from various big-name video games they've worked on. Staff circulated with hors d'oeuvres and signature cocktails. Photographers weaved their way through the crowd. We were able to get drinks when we first arrived, but shortly afterwards the crush around the bar was too dense to even contemplate penetrating for a second cocktail. We were packed into the space so tightly that mingling was challenging to say the least. Finally they started the formal speeches to kick the night off. One of the big wigs from corporate (this company was bought by a big-name company a number of years back) surprised the owner by stepping out of the crowd with toasting champagne and when his speech was completed we were allowed to access the top floor where food stations were set up on the rooftop patio. Mention of the staircase should be made; it is massive and clear, appearing to hang in midair. If you are afraid of heights, this staircase may give you an anxiety attack. From the number of people that chose to wait for the elevator rather than climb the stairs, it seems that many decided it wasn't for them.

I met some of Bond's coworkers - which he was crap at making actual introductions. However, the ones that he has real friendships with made sure to introduce themselves. I had already met one couple, because the kids are friends, and I was happy to see them again. The wife and I have become Facebook friends this summer and it seems we could become good friends if the content of her posts and likes are anything to go by. I met a man from Canada that has 7 kids. That folks, is a lot of kids. :) However, considering that we are usually dealing with a minimum of 4 kids and sometimes 5 kids, I guess our life isn't too different.

The night was cool and I was regretful that I hadn't swung by my house to grab a wrap. We moved ourselves inside in an attempt to find warmth, but the air conditioning was blowing so strong it may have actually been cooler inside than out.

I was introduced to a coworker with a British accent that was tall and lean. I would guess he was in his 40's, despite the shocking white hair on his head. He didn't quite catch my name when Bond introduced me, only catching the L sound at the end. He called me by M's name, including her last name. I laughed, totally impressed with his memory for names. I corrected him and told him I was the other girlfriend. He recovered nicely. Bond later told me that he is a Facebook friend, so he sees M's name and mine quite often. Makes sense. :) I wasn't offended in the least, but like I said, totally impressed with his recall of names. I also liked him because he was shocked to hear that I had a 21 year old child and even moreso when I said my oldest was 29. I told him I was 50 and he said he never would have guessed I wasn't still in my 30's. Yeah, lots of favor thrown his way there. ;)

It was a very nice night. We left at midnight.

Son #1 was waiting for us when we got home. He wanted to watch a movie with his dad, who complied. Seriously?! Some days I'd like to throttle him. My Fitbit says I got 4:30 hours of sleep that night.
 
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The Beatdown Party

So much has happened that I forgot to post about the guys' Beatdown party. I was a bit uncertain how I'd feel about this party, because while I've been to many kink parties, I've never been to one where actual orgies were specified as allowable and space given to them. At one point in my life I would have been down for being naked in front of people, but that isn't how I feel right now. Plus, I am uncomfortable with the idea of an orgy in regards to safer sex practices. They had a big fish bowl with condoms for people to use, but still, without having an opportunity to discuss things with people prior to the event it's not anything I'd care to participate in. I guess if I were a regular member of their group I'd be more familiar with everyone and that would change things quite a bit. Anyway, there was barely any sex happening that night so it wasn't an issue.

M spent the night before at The Beach so she would be there in the morning to help set things up. It seems every project that Bond worked on was with M, while I busied myself on solo tasks. It wasn't a big deal, but after hours and hours of them being a team it did start to wear on me. The house looked GREAT!

M was the person for the Human Operation game and that looked like fun. I have enjoyed playing with violet wands in the past. I ran my hand down her leg for a tingle.

Once Dale arrived M's focus totally shifted to him. She rolled with Dale, fucked Dale in the Mirror Room, and then left with him around midnight. Bond thought she was staying the night with him. They were on the schedule until noon on Monday. She said that she thought I wanted to spend the night with him, so she was going. Convenient excuse.

Once the house was emptied of guests the guys thought they should give me a massage. I stripped off my clothes and undid the rope chest harness I was wearing. It was odd to be naked in front of both of them at the same time. We could have taken this into a sexy realm, but we were all tired and it was after 2:30 in the morning when we started so we kept things rather innocent.

M skipped practice the next day. She didn't come back to The Beach at all.
 
Where in the world is M?

M had Friday off. Golden and I had the day planned, breakfast at one of my most favorite places (birthday gift card) and then hours and hours of sex.

Bond met M and her daughter at one of the beautiful public gardens in our city. Lots of cute pictures were posted to Facebook. Afterwards she went home. He thought they'd be going out.

Saturday was Bond's middle son's 12th b-day. He had a friend spend the night (son of the coworker I mentioned whose wife I think I could be friends with.) Bond's (estranged) wife, Naya's, former lover, W, was down for the weekend (he comes down nearly monthly and stays at The Beach.)

The big plan was to go to a deli that has animated displays that fill the restaurant from floor to ceiling. Even the glass top tables contain everything from model trains chugging though tiny towns to marble maze races to test your dexterity. Naya joined us even. M and her daughter showed up just as we were ordering. It looked like M had just woken up.

Golden and I had afternoon plans to go to a play at an outdoor amphitheatre. We ordered our food before everyone else, rushed through our meal, dropped his daughter off at a childcare center, stopped downtown for fancy sandwiches and sodas made with sugar cane at one of the finest cheese shops to ever grace the planet, and then zoomed west to our destination.

The rest of the troops returned to The Beach, but the kids talked Bond into taking them to the trampoline gym that I've been dying to go to (I may have laid a bug in a certain child's ear about doing this.)

When I checked in with Bond to see how he was doing (he looked so happy talking to Naya at the deli - I was fairly certain, and he later confirmed it to be so, that was the first time in eons that she has actually had a casual conversation with him - and I wanted to make sure it wasn't too bittersweet) he mentioned they had gone to the trampoline gym. Oh, the sadness that I missed it! (I'm such a child.)

What I wasn't expecting when we walked into the house that night was to see M. I was happy for Bond. We had a few awkward moments, but overall I thought things went well. After birthday cake Golden wanted to take a walk. I mentioned that we were going for a walk and EVERYONE got up and headed out the door. We stopped to play at the park some, and then continued on. When we got back to the house, Golden and I continued on for a longer walk.

Before we went out I had moved my things out of the master bedroom and bath down to Golden's room. M was in the bedroom on her phone when I went in to get my shoes and things. I had just seen her post on Facebook about a friend of her daughter's, who committed suicide two years ago, had been killed in a car accident that day. We talked about that for a bit. So heartbreaking.

Golden and I retired to his room after our walk for more "us" time, so I was pretty damn surprised when I learned at breakfast that M had left at 11:30 pm to go to the gym and then decided to go home instead of returning. More discussion yesterday revealed that Bond was about to suggest that they go to the gym together when she decided to go and he was watching a show with his son, so he never mentioned his idea. She met Dale at the gym. Bond was pretty unhappy when he received a text at 1:30 AM from her saying that she had a headache and Dale was going to follow her home.

She also skipped Beatdown practice. Dale told Bond that she was in a pretty bad space because of the death of her daughter's friend and not to take it personally. I think Bond is excusing all of her behavior now, because he said, "Evidently she's more fragile than she appears to be. Her grip is rather tenuous according to Dale."

I can understand giving her some latitude because of this, but it really doesn't excuse her lack of communication.
 
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Life is Good

I should get one of those t-shirts that says, "Life is Good" because my life is so good these days.

I don't remember if I posted that I ordered clothes for some of the kids. Some of the clothes came and was able to give them to the kids this weekend. I got each of the firstborn sons t-shirts that say, "I AM A GAMER, LIKE MY FATHER BEFORE ME," and a maxi dress, panties, and a t-shirt with a kitty saying for Golden's daughter. (She has already put a hole in the dress. Kids. I'll mend it.) They loved everything.

I spent the majority of the day cooking yesterday. The freezer is full of things for work lunches once again. I got to spend some time with W which was nice. I'm starting to get to know him some. The kids didn't want to go with their dads to Beatdown practice, so they stayed with W and me. We planned on going to an ice cream social that was happening across the street from where they hold practice, but when we got there they had sold out. Instead we went to an ice cream place that was just down the road. Quite a few of the Beatdown members also went and it was a lot of fun. Bond had asked me to bring a green bag that he had forgotten, so like a ninny I gave him my car keys so he could get it out of my car. And he moved my car to a different parking space closer to the ice cream shop as a joke. :) It was pretty funny when I saw an old truck parked where I had left my car. My first thought was, "Why would they tow my car?!" And then, "they wouldn't have towed my car. Where did he move it?!" Yeah...we walked right past it. LOL

I finished cooking when we got back. Golden helped me. Bond and W sat on the walk by the front door chatting. Through the open window we could hear their voices rise and fall in conversation. After a bit all three men congregated in the kitchen. Bond and Golden were full of innuendos and had me blushing with their teasing. W even managed to get one in there.

Golden kept remarking on how wonderful it was to have everyone cooperating in an endeavor in the kitchen. In his marriage he did the cooking and his wife hated everything to do with it. In Bond's marriage his wife didn't cook either. They ate junk (pizza) food mostly. Loading the dishwasher was too much effort for her (stay at home mom that sent the kids to daycare.)

After dinner we went to the park with two light-up Frisbees. That was so much fun! I had brought a light jacket along in case it was too cool and the kids kept stealing it and running with it in a game of keep away. They kept me busy throwing the Frisbee to me and chasing them to get my jacket back. After that we went for our walk. Golden's son and I started making up a story about miniature people that were an army commanded by an 8 year old boy. We had all sorts of fantastical elements built into the story. It was a ton of fun.

Once the younger boys were to bed Golden gave me a foot massage as a reward for cooking all day. He went to bed before the rest of us and I got to cuddle with Bond on the couch. He feels like home. It felt so good to climb into bed with him.

Life is good.
 
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Golden

Golden has had some upheaval in his relationship with Titania. They've had very few dates since May. She picked up another partner, a very young partner, and has been caught up in NRE with him. She's facing up to the fact that her ideology of having every relationship equal in importance, including the one with her husband, doesn't really fit with how she actually feels, and that while she'd like to be the type of person who doesn't need downtime for herself, the truth is that she does. But mostly, she's seeing that she tends to run hot with NRE and when that fades she exits the relationship and moves onto the next bright and shiny. They are trying to work through this. She's suggested that they drop their dates to one monthly social event that they both enjoy, and one or two sexy-times per month. He's reeling and coming to terms with this new paradigm. It's hard to watch him deal with the hurt, but I'm also proud of him with how he can adjust quite rapidly and find the silver lining if one is to be found.

He has recently started a FWB with an old girlfriend from his youth. She's quite nice and lovely and all that. She's going through a divorce and while she doesn't have the capacity right now for an emotional relationship, she does have budding sexual needs.

He has been doing a lot of self-examination about what kinds of relationships he wants, and the amount of time and energy he has for relationships. He'd like one more partner - someone he can have a full relationship with on emotional and physical levels. He also feels that he has room for someone as a lover, which is what Titania is asking for, and perhaps someone(s) as FWB's.

To this endeavor he has set up a couple of "non-date" dates with two people that interest him. Last night was the first of the two. First let me say, his term "non-date" cracks me up. He did this with me and it was one of the oddest experiences of my dating life. It was kind of a free space where I could be brutally honest about what I was looking for, because he basically told me that he didn't have time to date me at the time, but he'd like to connect to see if we were even on the same page - a chance to get to know one another better. But at the same time, it really was a date. So, I can only imagine what these ladies are thinking. Maybe they aren't like me and this will not strike them as unusual as it did me.

The other thing that makes me cast a sardonic eye on his stance is that he always says he doesn't have time in his life for other relationships. IMO, he has time, goodness knows he always wants more than I'm willing to give him. Perhaps it's that he invests a lot of emotional energy into his relationships. He expends a lot of thinking time about each person in his life, so I guess to that end he may not feel he has the time to become that immersed in someone new.

Anyway, last night Dragon came over around 9:00. We all did the meet and greet (we all know each other from Polycocktails and Beatdown) and then they went for a walk and later down to his room. This morning I asked him how the night went and he was kind of embarrassed, but happy. Seems that things went further than he or she had anticipated. They "played", but there was no kissing, or oral, or PIV. That being said, this conversation took place as he was putting his bedding into the washing machine. :D

As is his custom, when he walked me out to my car to see me off this morning he said something about not really having time in his life for her. WHAT? Dude, you have time.

This morning I got an email from him:

Hey Hon,

I am reexamining my schedule and I want to make sure both our needs will be met. How much time do you want and need from me?

Love you!​

I wonder if I've been so encouraging about him finding others that he's wondering if I'm trying to pull back. Oy vey! What a fine line to walk.
 
Scheduling: Golden has been a bit rabid over the calendar of late. Reminds me when I needed to know what days I'd get and how many days I'd have to go without seeing Bond. Knowing that by day 4 I'd be wacky.

This week and the next have been hard to schedule, because Bond may be flying to Texas to see his father. His dad is very sick and he may be running out of time to see him. I have been encouraging him all summer to go, but he's been putting it off. Sunday I asked him if he needed me to go with as support. I also told him that I didn't think his family needed to meet a new person during this crisis, but if he needed me there I'd go and that I could make myself scarce as needed. He thanked me and agreed that it was not the best time to be introduced to his family. He is concerned that if he doesn't go this week and goes next week instead that he'll be gone when son #1 starts school. Son #1 has been home schooled for the past two years. He is an extreme introvert, and will be starting high school. And then there is the work consideration - he is just coming off of vacation. When he expressed his stress over this, I offered to help facilitate Son #1's school stuff.

I think he's leaning towards going next week, because when we woke he told me where his son's school supplies were.

Putting the trip to Texas aside, there is also the matter of scheduling around M. To help sort this out Bond sent her two date invites for each of the next four weeks. He expects her to accept one of the two requests for each week, as she has said that she is scaling back to one day/week with him.

She declined both invites for this week and has not replied to the others. On one of the declines she wrote that it was the last night before school starts that her 9 year old daughter can spend the night.

He's a bit frustrated. He's told her before that they can do something with her daughter along like they did when they went to the botanical gardens last week, but instead she just declined. He sent her a text last night around 11:30 suggesting this, but she hadn't replied yet this morning when we parted ways at 8:30.

He's feeling compassionate towards her after speaking to Dale, because it seems she's pretty messed up, but it really doesn't explain the lack of communication. Which leaves him torn.
 
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Bond Goes to Texas

Bond finally booked a flight yesterday. He leaves today at 4:30 PM and returns on Monday at 11:00 AM. I'm relieved. I'm going to miss him, but he really needs to get to Texas to see his father. His dad was diagnosed with leukemia in early June. He's gone through several rounds of chemo, but the numbers didn't improve enough. The doctors have changed course from a goal of remission to extending his time. He was discharged yesterday after a short stint to get an infection under control. He's rethinking his DNR order and they've arranged Hospice care. It's time for Bond to go home, to say the things that need to be said and to listen to whatever his father wishes to tell him.

I'll be busy with family this weekend, too. I am taking a few hours of vacation time on Friday so that I can leave early enough to join my family for Friday fish fry in my hometown. It's a 3.5 hour drive north of where I live now. We are celebrating my mother's 80th birthday. We're so lucky to be celebrating this with her. She has a very tired heart and we almost lost her several times last year, and several times prior to that.

I think I'll return on Sunday, most likely leave in the morning. That will make my mother sad, but by then I'll be crazy to get home. I wish it weren't like that. I miss them, but I hate being there. I know I should visit more frequently. I'm living with guilt and I can't seem to make changes that would alleviate it.

Last night was Girls' Night with my BFF, Michelle. She heated homemade soup on the stove and we spent several hours chatting.

Golden and Titainia had a deep conversation last night from about 8:30-12:00 AM. He said he'd probably stop by my place afterwards if I were still awake. I kept the lights on until 11:30 and set the sleep timer on Audible for 30 minutes. I dozed off long before the timer shut it off and maybe it was the silence that woke me, but when I woke up I stalked Golden using Where are my Friends on my iPhone. He was driving home, so I sent him a goodnight text. He ended up turning around and coming back. We chatted a bit before sliding into sleep. From what he shared it seems their talk was really good and he feels excited and hopeful. He said that they both took notes that they are going to use to craft a relationship style that will work for them.

I remember the amazement and excitement I experienced when my ex-husband and I had reworked our relationship, back when life was reawakening and becoming new again, before everything crashed and burned - at the concept of being able to craft a relationship into whatever we wanted it to be. It was such a novel concept to me and it made me realize how deeply social norms are ingrained.

Laying in Golden's arms, listening to his voice in the dark, fighting to stay awake - precious moments.
 
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Continuation of Golden and his time/adding new partners, FWBs, etc.

From Golden:

Here are two more thoughts...

1. You and our relationship are very important to me. Beyond having to adjust for work, school, my children and self care, I can't think of anything else more important to me. In terms of other relationships, I am not seeking to diminish what we have.

2. So I know you know, there are two big parts to my hesitation with starting new relationships right now.

a.) I want a stable life. My chaotic mind needs stability to complement it. Right now there is a lot going on and I want things to settle before adding more. I also need flexibility to deal with unforeseen life events.

b.) I want my current relationships to be solid as they can be. I want to spend my energy on you and Titania mostly, and DNR_Girl as needed. Bond is important too. :)

I set things in motion with Dragon and S, because I thought Titania and I were done. I made a mistake. I thought things would develop slowly with Dragon and I was wrong. I have speculations what might happen with Dragon, but the important part is I doubt it will effect us in a negative way. I will keep you informed as needed and as always, feel free to be nosy and give your opinion. :D

Lastly, I plan on canceling my non-date with S. I have too much going on for such an intimate encounter. I'll try to do lunch or something with her... In my free time. ;)

Love ya​

I found this very helpful in understanding why he thinks he doesn't have room in his life for more people. I appreciate his need for stability as I have a need for that also. Like him, I want my current relationships to be as solid as they can be. They are my top priority.

I understand why he set things in motion. I probably would have drawn the same conclusion and made the same move.

I feel comfortable with his relationships and I trust him to manage his time and energy. Plus, I think he's chosen stable people.
 
A test

Golden and his daughter, let's call her Beanie - it's the second half of the nickname I call her, are going with me to visit my family. This wasn't my idea, but Golden's.

I don't really feel ready to introduce anyone to my family. It's not really my family that I usually dread introducing, it's the family farm. My parents are borderline hoarders. Every outbuilding is stuffed. Larger items, like the '76 GMC 4-door pickup they bought when I was 11, are in a back paddock rusting away. It could be worse. My father keeps the lawn mowed and it looks somewhat like a golf course. My mother has a mass of flowers growing along one side of the drive. It's beautiful if one overlooks the large overgrown flower garden that separates two sections of the lawn on the other side of the drive.

Inside their home, my mother has so many beautiful decorations, so many that they crowd one another, obliterating the aesthetics. My father has set up an "office" in the dining room and long since given up attempts to control the flood of paper that covers every surface.

All this can easily be dismissed in my mind. Nothing too offensive, really. I always imagine that if it bothers others as it does me that the worse it can do is kick them into purge-mode once they get back to their own world where they have some control over the clutter. That's what I do when I return home. I start sorting and organizing - judging everything's worth, deciding if it makes the grade or if it gets cut.

The two things that I worry about are the linoleum tiles in the kitchen and the wonky bathroom toilet. The tiles are quite ridiculous. My mother bought a large lot of them at a garage sale or something. They are in various shades of blue and actually quite decent. The issue is that my father has refused to have them installed properly. My mother being tired of his shit and tired of the underlayment flooring has laid these tiles down on the floor where they mostly stay where they placed - except for where the chairs knock into them, so in these areas she has removed them. Adding to this mishmash are the ones that have chipped corners from bumping into one another or whatever. I guess I should be grateful that the flooring distracts one from the fact that the upper and lower cupboards are in two different colors; light blue and lavender. I can't recall which color is on the top and which on the bottom, but at some point in the past my mother started to redo the kitchen and never finished. This goes quite nicely with the fact that the outer wall between the kitchen and the front porch has sheet rock that needs to be mudded and finished off following some weatherization that was done several years back.

The toilet sits several inches below where it naturally ought to. My father is lax on home repairs and it seems changing the wax seal was just too taxing on his skill set, so he put it off too long. Repeatedly. My brother and brother-in-law have done this repair multiple times over the years, but once the first damage was done making a good seal has been more and more challenging. The result is that the flooring has rotted quite a bit and the toilet sits quite low now. It can give you quite a jolt if you aren't thinking about it. As your bum lowers and no seat bumps into your backside your automatic response is to react like you're falling. That'll wake you up nicely if you are making a middle-of-the-night run to the potty. :eek:

So, there you have it. The list of the shame that keeps me from wanting to bring someone to my parents' home.

Heaped on top of this are two other items:
  • Golden doesn't want Beanie to know we are dating. - My mother is so forgetful that I'm not too hopeful she'll remember to filter her inquisition.
  • I'm worried that my parents may have some latent racism. - This will be a first for my parents - one of their children bringing home a non-Caucasian. I hope they don't disappoint me. I hope that they don't say something stupid through ignorance and unawareness. I can easily picture my mother rambling about how Beanie doesn't look black at all.

Fingers crossed. Trusting that lovely people will continue to be lovely.
 
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Little time

Bond's father died this morning at 4:00 am. He'll be home tomorrow. The funeral is in two weeks. I feel so bad for him. I'm so glad he had a few days with him before he passed.
 
Meet the Parents

The weekend at my parents' went very well. My parents were wonderful. They liked Golden and no one asked relationship questions. They did talk about race, but they weren't offensive, just learning and expanding their understanding. I couldn't have asked for more. Golden liked them back. :)

My mother looked better than she has in 18+ months. She was so cute and spunky. My cousin gave her an adorable pill box hat. She wore it when we were out to dinner. Seeing her feeling so good gives me hope that we'll have more time with her than we had thought.

Beanie was a big hit. Farm life is a good fit for her. Lots to explore! She made "hobo soup" which consisted of water from a pail on the porch meant for plants, torn up hosta leaves, a tomato, and an apple. Heated in a tin can set on several rocks with a votive candle for heat. I missed the tasting, but I'm told it was delicious. <Cough/>

We went for a pontoon ride around the chain of lakes Saturday afternoon with my family and afterwards Golden, Beanie, and I went to the drive-in theatre. The local Internet company sponsored the night so entry was free, plus it was a dusk to dawn event. Quite a big to-do! We only stayed for the first movie, Inside Out. All three of us had seen it already, but it was still fun.

Beanie had several interesting things to say this weekend. The first was that she declared she and I were related. My mom asked her how we were related and she said I was her mom. I wasn't sure how to respond because I don't want to upset her mom should it get back to her. I told her I could be her other mom and that when I was a kid I had a second mom and her name was Ellen (my mom's best friend) and that I loved her very much and still do. My mom said that if I'm her mom, then that would make her Grandma if she wanted. I think Beanie liked that.

Another thing she said/questioned was about the relationship between M and me. She said, "If you are Bond's girlfriend and Michelle is his girlfriend does that mean M is your girlfriend, too?"

And the last biggie she said was when we were in line at the concession stand. She said, "I think you two like each other."

We neither confirmed or denied it.
 
It occurred to me last night that Golden has four relationships going. I found it upsetting that Bond has three relationships when we were first getting going. I wasn't sure he'd be able to fall in love with me when he was being pulled in so many directions at once. He surprised me and was totally capable. From the way he described it, each relationship had a totally different intensity and personality.

I haven't had an issue with Golden striking up more relationships, I actually encouraged him to do so. But like he said, he acted under the assumption that things were ending with Titania. He also expected things to start slow with Dragon, which they haven't, and he wasn't expecting DNR_Girl to have/want much availability, but it seems she may want more time with him than he had thought at first. It wasn't until last night that the enormity of how many people he's dating really hit me. I'm sure it'll be okay. I really think he would be happier if he had more attention/loving than he's getting. :)

The hardest part of having so many relationships between the three of us is scheduling. Complicating this is that Bond is having a hard time committing to anything right now. I think M's lack of response to date requests is a factor, plus he'd like to have a date with Bea, but with all that has been happening in his life he hasn't made moves to set something up. So, here we are midway through the week and I have no idea what the rest of the week or even the rest of the month looks like.

This morning I sent him an idea for Saturday. Like I said, I have no idea if I'll be with him and the kids that day, but I think it's unlikely his plans with Bea would be daytime.

Me: Saturday is going to be hot! It would be fun to take the kids to [water park]. Tickets are $5/person.​

Bond: quick reply: good thought. i like the idea. am currently over burdened to think about it. thank you for your support in helping with the kids!​

B would like to have a group night out tomorrow night. She sent a message Tuesday morning, so we've had time to figure out the logistics/scheduling. I had a hair appointment scheduled and Bond has a birthday party. I was already tempted to reschedule my hair appointment so that I could go with Bond to the b-day party.

It's been weeks since we've had a B/Rob/Bond/Petunia [+ a few select others that rotate depending on our mood] social night and we're both missing her big time. Having a night with B trumps blue hair. :D I'm rescheduling! Bond decided he is going to drop in on the b-day party and then join up with everyone afterwards.

Golden didn't know about this and he sent me a date invitation for Thursday night. He's always felt a bit envious of these Thursday nights with B and our group, so I asked him if he'd like to go with me, but he can't answer until he knows if either Bond or I can watch Beanie Saturday night.

I IM'd Bond a bit ago:

Me: I know you are feeling overwhelmed, and I hate to add to it or get an answer that is less than satisfactory because you are feeling pressured, but it would be nice to have some kind of indication about Friday/Saturday plans. If I am going to be flying solo, then I'd like to know. Golden is trying to decide on tomorrow night because of Beanie and it hinges on Saturday night, which may be affected by whether or not you and I have plans together or separately. If together, if we're going to be at the house and could watch her. If separately, if you are going to be at the house and could watch her. (He doesn't want to have her put herself to bed more than once a week when he has her.)​

Bond: noted. 1 sec​

I've created a list of things I can do if I am flying solo this weekend. I'm hopeful that I can get myself into the right mindset to actually enjoy myself. This girl is moving in 6 weeks!
 
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Bond: Let's plan for Saturday together

Bond: Am I answering the right question?

Me: Yes, in part.
Kind of need to know about Beanie Saturday night.

I mentioned [event] earlier this week. Not sure if that's something you would like to do or not.

Bond: Kind of. Yes. We can hire Son#1 if needed depending on timing

[time lapse - later in the day]
Bond: yay, i got msg working again. miss you. smile emoticon

Me: That's nice to hear..that you miss me. I have been feeling that you may be feeling closed in.

Bond: the opposite. i was cranky because you were on the treadmill instead of cuddling *me*. kidding/not kidding

Me: That's sweet. smile emoticon
I'm confused then as to why I am only seeing you Saturday.

Bond: ?

Bond: not counting mon-tue?

Me: when I asked about the rest of the week you said Saturday.

Bond: that is the rest of the week.

Me: Okay. [translates to "fine!"]
Need to go.
[^hurt feelings that are ridiculous, plus it was quitting time and I needed to leave work.]

Bond: kk, love you

[Did not respond until an hour or so later.]
Me:Love you

[We saw each other when we got together with the gang for dinner. Afterwards we all went with Bond to his friend's birthday party.]

[Golden spent the night at my house with me.]

[last night after I went to sleep]
Bond: I keep looking behind me for you. And you're not there. frown emoticon

[mid-morning]

Bond: do you work on Monday?

Me: Nope smile emoticon
You?

Bond: i'm being asked to, if i can.

Bond: but if i have the kids, then i'd rather not. see if i can get some time to pop in or something, to appease. but not go in all day.

Me: Yeah, that would suck to have to go in. Part of a day isn't as bad as giving up the entire day at least.

[notification arrives via gmail that our calendar event for Saturday has been expanded until Tuesday AM.]

Me: Sunday I am meeting Elevate & Twisted Pleasure, Franki & Smach, and I don't know who else if anybody else for the [food event]. I doubt anyone will have kids along. Is this something you'd like to do?

Bond: Maybe. I saw your things. And figured we'd just work around as needed. Re your things, my things, and kid things.

Me: Sounds like a good plan. smile emoticon

Bond: I like your things.

Me: You do, huh? wink emoticon
 
Long weekend ended, short work week beginning

I felt so bad and insecure last week when Bond was so vague and unconcerned with scheduling time together. I need to work on that. Turns out that I had a wonderful weekend, with lots of time with Bond, and also time with my roommate, my ex-husband, Twitch, with several sets of friends at an event on Saturday, and at the food event on Sunday, and bits of time with Golden (although I suspect he is feeling similar to how I was last week and would love more time and attention.)

Now that the weekend is done I'm concerned that I need more time alone going forward so that I can get my house packed. Crazy, huh? Blanks in the calendar send me into a sad spiral. Time gets filled with lots of quality time with people, and now I'm feeling stressed that I'm behind schedule on packing. I need to chill about not having something planned with people. Seriously, a grown woman can fill her day/night with plenty and if not, it's okay to have down time. Imagine having time to putz around the house, or to catch up on shows - total control of the remote control - now that's freedom!

I was disappointed on Saturday that Bond didn't feel like going to the water park. I keep forgetting how recently his father passed away and that he has had a very busy week. It's no wonder he is tired and feeling overwhelmed. The only major accomplishment for the day was grocery shopping.

We did go out Saturday night even though I knew he would have much rather have stayed at home. He was gracious and put on a good front, but overall it was apparent to both Golden and me that he had an aura of sadness about him. Golden was there with Titania and he was practically glowing with happiness. I think they really connected. Yay! :D

B was quite drunk when we arrived. Bond and I went with her to the car to smoke and wow, we all were affected by that. The event we were at is held at a gay bar and it's a fetish event, so most anything goes or rather no one is easily offended or is paying much attention to what's going on, which is a good thing considering B unzipped my top (front zipper) and had my boobs out a number of times...while we were standing at the bar. :eek: She loves my boobs and nipples and had hers out too to compare them. Bond was a happy (albeit sad) camper, because he got to lick both of our nipples at once.

Sunday I went my way to do things with friends and didn't return until late afternoon when he was back from BJJ practice. I called him as he was leaving for his practice offering to take the kids to the splash pad or pool, but he said they were settled with their electronic devices, so I let it go at that. It was brutally hot and humid here on Sunday and I was feeling peaked. I spent a few hours talking to my roommate. It's crazy how much she misses me considering we only met at the beginning of March when she moved in and our schedules haven't really overlapped much even from the beginning. But it's nice that she is always eager to visit when I am at home. I think she's getting scared that the safety net I've provided for her is ending soon and she'll have more uncertainty in her housing once again. That has to be scary.

Yesterday we put more insulation up in the ceiling of the big unfinished room below the master bedroom. Son #1's computer is set up in there and the noise gets to be a bit much at times. We nearly completed the project and the difference is very noticeable. Yay!

The next project is to organize the stuff in the other large unfinished room in the basement so that I can move some of my stuff, like totes of holiday decor and such, into there. I'd like to get some big shelving units. The part of me that loves organization would love a number of these along one wall so that we can have dedicated Bond, Golden, and Petunia shelving units and then general one(s). It would also be nice to uncover the ping pong and billiards tables so that the kids can use them. I have an air hockey table that would be nice to set up there, too. As it is that room drives me bonkers. Must organize!

On the way to the grocery store on Saturday Bond asked me how I felt about Golden having four relationships going. From there he made a comment about three relationships being too many. I remember laughing and saying that is how many he had and he said that he wouldn't really count what he has with M as a relationship seeing as all they do these days is go to the movies. He then asked me if I was okay if he were to date Bea. I said I'd be okay as in "fine", that I'd deal with it and seriously it was okay. That really, she is a great metamour.

I've decided that it's good for me to have things that make me uncomfortable, because they make me grow. I don't want to feel complacent. I want to feel compersion and compersion that is hard won is really sweet.

I've been examining why I feel threatened by Bond's relationship with Bea, and the thought of him having other new relationships. I can track my triggers to what went down the Twitch and Shasti. What if he becomes complacent with me and finds the easy way we have with each other boring and time with her more exciting and rewarding? I guess I better keep being the best me I can be.

So many times this weekend he held me close and said how glad he was that I was there. I need to remember this when I start to feel threatened.
 
Trainwreck: not the best movie to see right on the heels of losing your father. We went to see it last night. Poor Bond. :(
 
Twitch

Friday night I drove two hours to Twitch's flat to drop off my laptop so he could do my youngest son's taxes - yes, he's filing ridiculously late (he was in Basic training when he should have filed them) and yes, it's crazy that Twitch needed my laptop in order to do them, and yes, I could have filed these for my son, and yes, my son could have done them himself. But none of those valid options were chosen. So, I drove two hours one way to drop off my laptop.

Twitch sent multiple texts saying he'd take me out for dinner at a nice restaurant and that he'd provide dessert if I wanted later. Although he kept misspelling dessert as desert. I was driving or I'd have asked if that was the kind with sand and cactus.

As I drove I debated whether or not I wanted to take him up on his after dinner suggestion. I've been missing him lately, especially the past few days leading up to seeing him. Walking past people enjoying happy hour in the outdoor seating around the square left me feeling sad that it was no longer a part of my life. I was also angry that it wasn't a part of my life. Twitch and I had changed our lives up big time to make that a part of our lives and then he (we) fucked it up.

With Twitch I had a guy who appreciates really good food, productions, museums, clothes, shoes, etc. I was half-tempted to revive my OKC profile and post that I was looking for exactly that. Childish, I know.

One thing that kept coming up in my thoughts was that I'd have to send messages to Bond and Golden about my intentions and that stopped me. I think that Bond would have been okay with that, but I felt that Golden would not be so okay with it. When we returned to Twitch's flat we sat on the love seat and talked. I noted aloud that he didn't have a single picture of his son out. He said he was so busy that he hadn't had time to get to Walgreen's to have some printed. Sure.

Talking was really nice, but the longer I sat there the more tired I was feeling. The thought of driving two hours to get home worried me, but staying would inevitably lead to sex with Twitch and I wasn't ready to go there. Finally I made myself move. I needed to leave before it was out of my hands.

Twitch brought our old dog, Josie, out to potty as I was leaving. We stood on the short sidewalk in front of his house as she wandered the front lawn. Funny how sometimes the most meaningful conversations happen when you've run out of time. I'm not sure how the discussion started, but we talked about his relationship with Shasti; it's not as much fun as it once was. She is totally into their son. She doesn't care if all they do for the entire day is play with him. (Um, yeah, she's a mother now.) He says that some people shouldn't be parents and evidently he's one of them. That the baby is cute and smart, but he loves his dog. I said I always thought he'd be a great parent because of how much he was into his nieces and nephews and their children and how much he loves his dogs. He repeated that he loves his dog. I asked if it was because the baby feels more like her baby than his. He repeated he loves his dog. He asked me if I was happy. I told him I was, but that it was also hard at times. He hugged me and we both cried a bit.

He apologized for messing up our marriage. Said he was so caught up in the fun of it that he totally messed up everything we had. That once he realized he had made a mistake that he waited to say anything to me because he was trying to find a job in [our city] and once he gave up on that he had waited too long and my life had moved on.

So much pain we've both gone through. So much lost.

It was a long drive back. I toyed with the idea of seeing Twitch once a month, maybe one weekend a month. I'm not sure. I miss him. He misses me. But he has not worked on his issues and to expect that he'd now be capable of being vulnerable and communicate openly with me is unrealistic.

Saturday I got an email from him:

I want you to know that I really miss [you] and I miss all the things we used to do together. I also want you to know that I do love you and just want you to have a happy life and it looks to me that you are.​

I talked to Bond and showed him the email. No judgement from him. I haven't had an opportunity to talk to Golden yet. The whole situation has kind of floated off my radar, so I guess that shows how important it is to me. Or maybe it shows how busy my life with two men and five children keeps me.
 
I was just thinking today about the massive changes in circumstances you have been through in just 3 years. It seems to me you have been amazingly resilient.

Leetah
 
Leetah said:
I was just thinking today about the massive changes in circumstances you have been through in just 3 years. It seems to me you have been amazingly resilient.

Leetah
Click to expand...

Thanks, Leetah. Some days I barely recognize my life. Golden and I were talking last night and he said he'd been thinking about where he was at a year ago and that it was hard to believe how much his life had changed in 12 months - that if he could go back a year and tell himself what his life would be like in a year he wouldn't believe it.

Last January I signed a short 9 month lease on the cutest little bungalow in one of the sweetest neighborhoods in my city. I decided to toss caution to the wind knowing I'd be forced to move in just a matter of months. I told myself that if I were to look back at my life there where many times that my life had changed dramatically in just a matter of months, so who knew what the next 9 months may bring; my circumstances may be totally altered by Fall. And they have been. Now that 9 month seems a blessing. :)
 
Tonight Bond and I are going to a book discussion on More Than Two. It should be interesting. I haven't finished the book, but I've covered most of it. Bond hasn't read it all, but he's been doing this stuff long enough and has been part of several poly discussion groups that he thought it would be interesting, so he's coming along.

Just got a text from a friend asking if I was going and if I'd like to split a bottle of wine.

Yes!
 
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