Hella long catch up
The past two weeks flew by. Hello, 2016! I'm so excited for this year. 2015 was full of blessings and love and I think 2016 is going to be fucking fantastic.
I see that in my last post we were about to have Jules' celebratory dinner. Well, she got sick that day, so we had to postpone our dinner party. We just set the date last night to the 16th. She starts in a week. I'm so excited for her.
So many days have passed since I posted last. We had Bond's kids for the full week of Christmas and then they went to their mother's for the week of New Year's. It's been a wonderful break and the house was kid-free except for Beanie for most of the week. She spent 99% of her time glued to the TV. That about drives me up the wall, but hey, she's not my kid and if her father is okay with that, then who am I to object? My grandson was there Friday to Sunday evening. He's such an easy kid. I had forgotten what it's like to have a kid around that uses please and thank you automatically without being prompted.
Bond and I continue to fall more in love, if that's possible. We thoroughly enjoyed having the time together over the holidays. I think this is super sweet; on Saturday we had run errands together and when we got home he busied himself with sanding the icy spots on the driveway and sidewalk while I got a bank deposit ready. I expected him to opt to stay home while I went to the bank, but when I asked him if he was staying home he said, "No, I'm coming with, if that's okay. I don't want to give up any time I can have with you."
Things have been up and down with Golden. I thought we really felt connected through text when I was up north visiting my family over Christmas. I was excited and thought that we were finding our way back to enjoying each other. I came back on Sunday and wanted that night to connect with Bond, but I was super excited to have time on the calendar with Golden Monday night. Only that's not how things felt between us when we were back together in the same house. He was kissy and huggy on Sunday and Monday, but not as personal as before. I'm not sure if 'personal' is the right word.
Monday night at dinner Golden said to Bond and me, "I'm going to watch the last Star Wars movie with Beanie tonight. You two are welcome to join us." (He was taking her to see the newest Star Wars movie the next day.) Wow, I felt like he had pretty much taken our date night and reduced it to nothing. If he had spoken directly to me and phrased it like, "Hey, I want to watch this with Beanie so she's ready for the movie tomorrow. You cool with that?" I'd have felt like I was included in the decision making for the evening and not like he was operating solo and I could join or not join no difference to him. The last time we had had a date he had decided to play a video game for an hour and then do something with his son after that. I was really feeling hurt and I didn't care to sit with him if he didn't really care if I factored into the evening, so I busied myself with my puzzle instead. Bond joined me and I felt a bit odd when he did that. Golden gave me the puzzle for Christmas and I had a feeling that he had wanted it to be something he and I did together. I didn't know how to express that to Bond, so I kept silent. Golden popped into the front room from time to time and chatted some and I stopped to run my fingers through his 'fro when I went past to get a drink. I was missing our connection and I just couldn't stop myself from touching him.
When Beanie went to bed we stopped breaking our brains over the maddening puzzle - I have done many, many puzzles, but this one, holy fuck! Golden and I both started getting ready for bed, albeit rather early, and we left Bond to fill the rest of his night with whatever. On my way downstairs my phone vibrated with a Google update; Golden had edited our calendar event. I couldn't see what had changed, the time was still listed from 6 PM to 8 AM, so I was rather puzzled.
We laid in bed and I could barely talk. He was trying to make conversation and he was talking about his other partners and how things were going in their lives and all I could muster was monosyllabic responses. Finally, I had to express how hurt I was by how he had handled our date and the previous date. I kept thinking that he never would have done that with any of his other partners. After much talking and many tears it came out that he basically had walled himself off. He thought when I left for Xmas that we were through and he's been protecting himself. Personally, I feel that if you're going to do that, then you aren't really in a relationship. By the time we were done we both felt connected and that we had fixed a number of issues. The next day my eyes felt crusty and swollen, but my heart felt lighter.
Oh, that Google update was that he changed the title of the event to "Sleepy Time."
The next morning when I awoke I had a text from Golden waiting for me, asking if I'd go for a walk with him. On the walk he said that he had sorted out a few things that he needs/wants in a relationship. It's hard to remember what he laid out exactly. Too much time has passed and my memory is shit sometimes, especially when so much gets said. Here's what I can recall. For one, he wants to have things that are about "us". I wasn't sure what exactly he meant at first or how I could do this without messing it up, but after he gave some concrete examples it seems like something very do-able. Something that would fulfil this would be having something like a certain TV series that we watch together. Others, like Bond, could join us, but we would always make sure that we didn't watch it without the other. I like that idea. I'm going to propose that we watch
Sherlock together. The three of us, Golden, Bond and I, plus Green Titania, went to a Sherlock party on Friday to watch the season opener and it was a lot of fun.
Another need was scheduling. I feel so caught in a no-win situation when it comes to scheduling. He gets so angry when Bond's schedule is taken into consideration when I schedule. He feels like he gets crumbs and is being used as a handy bed when Bond may need our bedroom. I stopped walking and faced him, my voice kept breaking as I tried to reach him to see that I am the one that needs that as a way to protect myself. That even in the beginning I started a relationship with him, we initially were going to be FWB, because I needed someone to counterbalance Bond's other relationships. I implored him to try to find some compassion for me. To empathize with me and be willing to save me from feeling alone and out of place when Bond has dates. That it doesn't mean that's all he is to me, but that if I can schedule our dates to coincide with Bond's that it's to my benefit, not Bond's. It's about me and my needs.
He said that he couldn't understand that, but that wasn't necessary, he could just accept it.
I was even more upset after hearing that. I started walking fast and left him behind. He asked me to wait and I said I couldn't. I needed to walk fast. When I was finally able to talk to him I explained that it was upsetting to hear that, because I felt that if he couldn't understand it and was only going to accept it, then we'd be back to this same tired argument again because the emotions that trigger it wouldn't be addressed. I can't remember his exact words, but in the end I felt heard and like he really did understand. I felt so much better. I've been so locked when it comes to scheduling with him. I couldn't win even if I schedule without regard to Bond's calendar, I was still damned and criticised. It was easy to schedule one date/week, but more than that and things went off the rails. I look forward to seeing how things go moving forward.
Towards the end of last week Golden started getting sick. He slept a lot and overall just felt crummy. I mentioned the Sherlock party in a previous post, he was feeling kind of sick at that point - kind of ick, but not terribly awful. Despite not being in tip top form we had a great night. We felt very connected. Our friends have a fantastic white leather sectional. I sat in the curve with one of my guys on each side. Green Titania sat on the other side of Golden, so he was getting all the lovely physical touch that he craves. It was awesomesauce to be able to touch both of them and I was very appreciative of having friends that were comfortable with our poly-ness, too.
We set up dates for Monday and Wednesday this week. I think we are having an out-of-the-house date Wednesday if he's up to it. He's really sick today.
His cold reached that horrible stage where the sinuses are affected last night. I had him take some Nyquil. In doing so he said he hasn't taken anything for a cold in like a decade. Baffling. I asked him why not?
He said, "Just 'cause." <shrug>
I was like, "Why not take something to alleviate the symptoms?"
Another shrug. I was still muttering about it when I returned to the bedroom and Bond said it's a man thing and that's why they need partners. I looked at him and told him to take the Ibuprofen (for his knee) that I had left on his nightstand. SMH
To be continued...
