So new to this-- he has 7 gfs

D

dolphindream

New member
Hi. I am a 47-yr old female from Texas. I have become involved a bit unwittingly with a man who has polyamorous relationships with more than a few others. He did not tell me when we first started dating about his poly relationships. I only found out after I was already in love with him.

I joined this forum in the hopes that some of you sharing the same things and feelings might help me learn how this is done.

This is a bit difficult, because there are 7 of us. I work a lot, so I don't complain too much about lack of time. He is wonderful to me and I know that he really loves me. The thing I seem to have the most trouble with is the lack of access. There are times when I want and need him so much but, because he is with one of the "others," it's not possible. How do you find ways to deal with that?

Some of the others tend to cause trouble because of jealousy. I don't really have issues with jealousy. I am, however, insecure at times, mostly when I have to hear him tell the others that he loves them, as well. It stings.

More recently, he told me that we should go on a cruise for Valentines. That sounded great, until he suggested we take one of the others with us. I reluctantly agreed. I really wanted the time for us to bond more.

I guess I need to figure out how to make this work! Any ideas are welcome. I really want to stay with him. I love and adore him so much.
 
A large part of "making it work" is asking for what you want and for what you need.

I'm a little troubled that he didn't disclose his polyamory early on, but instead let you discover it for yourself.

As for insecurity, that is something you'll need to work on, and conquering it involves seeing yourself as a deserving, good person in your own right, independently of your relationships with anyone else.

As an aside, clinging to a relationship is not healthy behavior. (I ought to know!) If it's meant to end, it's meant to end. It doesn't mean you're an unworthy individual; it just means that the relationship has changed or run its course. If you can be good with that notion, then you needn't fear losing your new man (or anyone else). A big part of that is what I wrote above-- seeing yourself as good and deserving in your own right, not needing anyone else, but being with someone because you want to be. (Confident women are sexy, btw.)
 
Thanks so much. It is really nice to find this forum. Before, I felt like I would never find anyone who understood some of the feelings I was having.

I almost dumped him when I found out about the others in the relationship, not because of the type of relationship, but because he omitted this fact and I felt like he had lied to me. I have nothing whatsoever against a polyamorous lifestyle. I just wish I would have known before I became attached. Now I love him, and want very much for this to be good for both of us. He is very good to me, and so supportive.

I need help with the day-to-day issues that come up.

I am monogamous with him, partly because I have limited time, and I have no desire for anyone else.

I am thrilled to find this forum and welcome any help or advice I can get.
 
dolphindream said:
Thanks so much. It is really nice to find this forum. Before, I felt like I would never find anyone who understood some of the feelings I was having.
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:)
dolphindream said:
I almost dumped him when I found out about the others in the relationship, not because of the type of relationship, but because he omitted this fact, and I felt like he had lied to me.
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Well, he did. A lie of omission is still a lie. He may have been afraid of scaring you off (it happens often), but he still should have told you, at least by the 2nd or 3rd date.

dolphindream said:
I have nothing whatsoever against a polyamorous lifestyle. I just wish I would have known before I became attached. Now I love him and want very much for this to be good for both of us. He is very good to me and so supportive. I need help with the day-to-day issues that come up. I am monogamous with him, partly because I have limited time, and I have no desire for anyone else.
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Whereabouts are you? There's an active poly community in Austin, and I don't doubt the same is true of DFW and Houston. Even if you don't get romantically attached with anyone else, it can be helpful to have some friends in "meatspace" who understand poly and won't do the "Oh you poor thing, you should dump him" routine on you.
 
You are so right about the "You should dump him" bunch. I have had enough of that.

I am in Galveston and he lives in Houston.

This forum is already feeling like I have friends in the "same boat." Nice to communicate with people who understand what I am dealing with!
 
Welcome to the forum! There are lots of honest people here who are willing to share.

Polyamory is based on honesty. I always disclose I am polyamorous from the very beginning. To me, it doesn't seem to be very thoughtful to wait until someone is getting attached or falling in love before telling them.

Just wondering how long you have known him. It might help us to understand if we have a better idea of how long the "falling in love" process took for you.
 
Not long. I felt very strongly about him almost immediately. We are very much alike, and we are very comfortable around each other. I met him only 8 months ago. I don't, as a rule, open up to someone that easily, but it hit me rather suddenly, which has made all of this process much more confusing. I have to make sure that I am not being misled by feelings, and actually thinking things through realistically.
 
i really want to thank all of you for being so open and helpful. I was feeling pretty isolated until I stumbled onto this forum.
 
It might just be that this scenario doesn't work for you. If you aren't getting enough time and require more bonding, then maybe you need another partner, or need to find someone that isn't as busy, and keep this guy in your life as a really good friend or intimate friend (FWB).

Here is a link to a thread about how many is enough when it comes to partners. On average, it seems that in order to even get a word in edgewise three to four, at most, is plenty.

Most seem to do fine with two partners before coming apart at the seams due to lack of alone time to take care of themselves. This man would rarely have time for himself. I would hate to think if any major issues came up. The whole balance of the plates would tumble, no? All those partners with needs and expressing them... ahhhh... overwhelming.

This is worrisome to me. I have three partners, four until recently, and I struggled with looking after my primary, that is, myself. I still see that as my number-one struggle. After several years of having many partners, it's easy to reach burn out.

I would be very careful of that, especially as he is asking you to share date time in order to kill two birds with one stone. Hmm... not good. Smells of burn-out, to me (having been there).

I would wonder why he needs so many partners, and what "partner" means to him. Usually a person's needs are met with far less. Did he actually seek you out? Was he looking to date more? Is it a fetish of his to collect partners?
 
I do want to ask: are you okay with another of his partners going on a Valentines cruise with you, or just agreeing because you want to be easygoing? Is it an overnight trip? Will you be sharing a room with him and his other partner? Either way, how will be be splitting his time with you and his other gf? Has that been that discussed up front? If it's not overnight, who is he going home with? How will you feel if it's not you?

This doesn't sound like it started off very ideally, so I think some upfront communication is pretty important. Figure out ahead of time your limits for respect and time. It seems like there's a chance your boundaries might be abused because he was not upfront ahead of time, and no matter how wonderful a person is, there is still a duty to yourself to put your own wants and needs first. I hate to say this, but he might be pretty self-centered. I get that impression from the 7 relationships, and neglecting disclosure early on in your relationship.
 
Hi Anneintherain. We did discuss it. The cruise is for me. The other going with us is very outgoing and non-monogamous to him. She is very financially challenged and he felt sorry for her when she said she wanted to go. We have discussed it, and he will be with me all of the time, except for maybe a quickie or so. We will be spending the most time together. He has explained this to her. She is just excited to go to Mexico and have some fun.

I don't mind her coming with so much, but it wasn't part of the original plan. If I didn't want to, he would have heard about it! I am very open and direct about things that I don't like.

Like I tried to say before, the only real issues I have with all of this is the lack of access to him when I need him. Everything is scheduled.

If I were in the hospital or something, of course, he would leave and come to me. This has already been discussed.

On days when it's been really crappy at work, and I just want him there to snuggle, I am SOL.

The rest of the issues seem to be working themselves out slowly.
 
dolphindream said:
Not long. I felt very strongly about him almost immediately. We are very much alike. We are very comfortable around each other. I met him only 8 months ago.
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Okay, well, that's about the time NRE usually begins to wind down some, and the "shadow" aspects begin to reveal themselves.

For many years, I did grief work with people who were dealing with relationships that had ended. Basically, the grieving time is about 25% of the length of the relationship. So for an 8-month relationship, you're talking about 2 months of grief (on average). People do tend to drag that out in certain cases. Just sayin,' if you decide you don't want to "play" any more.

My other thought for you (since I'm polyamorous and enjoy multiple partners) is this: since you seem to be open to him being poly, have you considered being open to having another partner? It's really nice!! ;)

dolphindream said:
I have to make sure that I am not being misled by feelings and actually thinking things through realistically.
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That's a good idea. Talking things out here is a good way to do that.
 
idealist said:
For many years, I did grief work with people who were dealing with relationships that had ended. Basically, the grieving time is about 25% of the length of the relationship.
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Oh, great. That means I've got about a year and a half more of feeling shitty and having crying jags that come out of nowhere. Fuck!
 
There is some good news for you, Opalescent and NYCindie. What I've seen is that people who are actively working on their grief can get through it in less time, and people who are avoiding the emotions end up taking more time to move through the process.

There are stages of grief, and these stages must be consciously felt to move through it. The main ones are shock, denial, anger, bargaining, guilt, depression and acceptance. And this is not a linear process. One thing you can do is keep a journal and write about your feelings in all of these categories. If you can get to a point where you can identify (at any given moment) where you are in the process, this will help you move through it.

For example: you might wake up and feel acceptance; after breakfast feel anger; during lunch feel depressed; in the evening feel acceptance, etc. Being conscious of the feelings as they are happening on a daily basis really helps move things along. And before you know it, it's done.
 
Journals help a lot.

I do not want to stop "playing." I want to learn how to be healthy and understanding towards his needs.

I have thought about taking others, and he is perfectly okay with it. I simply do not have the time and energy. I work 10-hour shifts in a retail pharmacy. When I get home, I am completely beat. This is one of the reasons I am ok with this.

I have every Thursday off, just for him. We go do all kinds of things. Then we spend 1-2 weekends together as well. Between all of this, and family obligations, which he attends often, I don't think it would be fair to have someone that I didn't have time for.
 
dolphindream said:
I don't think it would be fair to have someone that I didn't have time for.
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That depends on the person and the relationships dynamics. I have a male partner that lives 1000 miles away, and for 10 years we have spent an average of 1-2 weeks together per year. Sometimes we skip a year.
 
I wonder if she was feeling envious that he was bringing you for a Valentine's cruise, so she manipulated him into bringing her as well. Let him put his money where his mouth is. If the only reason he's buying her a cruise is out of pity, ask him to send her on a cruise by herself. You say she's expected to be on her own anyway, and if anything, I'd say it's even lonelier to be by yourself when your partner is on the same boat than it is to be completely on your own.

I'm extremely bothered that he didn't tell you about his 5 (7?) other girlfriends until he had let you fall in love with him. That's manipulative. I guess there's some leeway, depending on how fast you fell in love, and whether or not he led you to believe he was single. But I definitely think "I'm poly and I'm seeing other people" should definitely come up by the second date, preferably first. Monos don't need to waste time and energy on people they won't have any interest in being with.
 
Yes, you are all absolutely correct on so many matters. I do have a feeling that she manipulated her way onto the ship. She told him how she has never been on one and could never afford one.

He honestly feels sorry for her. He has wanted to break up with her, but says he doesn't have the heart. Every time he gets ready to end it, she comes up with a new medical crisis for him to feel badly about. He made sure to tell me that the second she becomes a problem, I need to let him know.

It is a big ship.

She has been scheduling doctor's visits and medical test on my day, Thursdays. I told him this past Thursday to have her reschedule. I think she does it on purpose. He also commented that he would bring the number back down to 5 women if it would keep me from leaving him. I never said I was leaving him.

I am going on this cruise and will try my best to keep a good positive attitude. I have even scheduled time that he can spend with her that fits my schedule.

Trying...
 
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