So wrong but oh so right

[Enlightened]

Hi I'm new to polyamory and to this platform.
The reason for me joining is as I have become enlighted I have realised that I will need alot of support from other who are in the same boat as me and those with more experience.

I have always felt wrong and ashame for being able to love and be loved by more that one person at a time, it's is just not socially acceptable. Then why would I not want a stable relationship that would tie me to one person for the rest of my life.

Fast forward a few years I meet a guy who I love deeply I love who he is and what he brings to our relationship.

However in our 10 years I have had relationships with other guys, so I have cheated on him considering that that he did not now and it was not consensual. Some were just emotional and there was a physical one as well.
This hurt my husband and we are still working on our trust

The conversation that we had was hard, I could not answer him. Why? Was it his ablilities in the bed and my answer was no, was he not giving me enough attention once again my answer was no. Everything that he could think that he was doing wrong was answered no, because in fact there is nothing I can fault my husband on.

I started asking myself that question. Why? Something that I never did
The only place I could think of is google, so I searched is it possible to live and want to love more than one person and this how I found the term polyamory.

As soon as I read a general explanation I cried, I felt like all this time I have been suffering with my feelings and it was not wrong and I was not alone.

Since then I have been reading and watching videos non stop, to get different perspectives and to find out where I belong in this big network of love.

From what a gathered and noted down for myself, I love my husband and that he was to be my central relationship, I would then be the one having relationships with others. If polyamory is something that he would like to try then I was willing to have that.
Feeling that it was now or never having suffered for so long with having to bottle up my love.
I started the conversation with making sure I reminded him that I love him and still fall in love with him everyday and that there was nothing lacking in our marriage.
He got very upset and said that it's a choice for me to love someone else so I can choose not to love anyone else.

He shut the idea down after reading the definition for 2 seconds it has taken me months to grasp it.

The next day I chose to continue the topic and told him I will love him always however I can not garantee that I won't meet someone and find a connection with them.

The main thing I found he could not wrap his head around was the idea of me having sex with someone else. I paused, to think about what he was saying so he is willing to find a level ground right but I could not say straight out deal. I told him as I find that this is a way for us to be open and honest, I said that's something I can not promise and he flipped again.

Should I have not said that, if I had not then I don't think I'm taking my poly feelings seriously.

Anyone can advise me how to go forward from here as wanting to live my poly life with my mono husband. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place, to push my feelings aside to make my mono husband happy and this means we stay in a relationship, or consider that we try seperate. I also feel that either way we both will end up unhappy.

As I said I'm new if there are any terms that I used incorrectly please let me know.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle. I mean this kindly, ok?

I'm glad you have decided to be more honest. And yes, it would have been better to realize you are polyamorous when you were younger and not now after being married for 10 years. But it is what it is.

You have hit your spouse with a double whammy. The previous cheating, and the fact that you are poly.

He's having his honest reactions to all that right now:

• He got very upset and said that it's a choice for me to love someone else so I can choose not to love anyone else.
• He shut the idea down after reading the definition for 2 seconds it has taken me months to grasp it.
• I told him as I find that this is a way for us to be open and honest, I said that's something I can not promise and he flipped again

You at least have been mulling it over for a few months. This just landed on him. He's shocked. So give him some grace and some space to have his authentic initial feelings/reactions/responses.

And stop chasing him to have this convo when he's emotionally flooding. I get you might have a burning need to talk like you were holding it in so long you are bursting now. But on his side? He's been hit with this news and it's not stopping for rest breaks if you keep on talking to him about it every day. The stress response doesn't get a chance to chill. And you won't solve this overnight away. Slow it down.

Since then I have been reading and watching videos non stop, to get different perspectives and to find out where I belong in this big network of love.

And slow it down for you too. Where is your rest? Resources are all still gonna be there. You don't have to consume them all in one go.

You might consider talking to a marriage counselor and individual counselors if you can afford it. Both of you are going to need some support in this rough patch.

Anyone can advise me how to go forward from here as wanting to live my poly life with my mono husband.

Whatever you promised for wedding vows? Understand that the "old deal" is over. Understand you both are going to grieve that. Maybe in different ways.

The green part is up to you. The blue part is up to him. I get that you want to move on to poly with him still in your poly network. But he didn't sign up for his when he married you, and he may not want to go there. He is his own person and his consent to do things or not belongs to him.

On his side? He may want you to let this poly thing go, and return to what was before. But while you did sign up for that when you got married? Sounds like you found it didn't really fit, and you no longer want to be doing that. So you may not want to go back. You are your own person and your consent to do thing or not belong to you.

Maybe you work something out. Like mono-poly. Maybe you part ways and become good exes and friends. Maybe you part ways and that's it. But you can only do the green part. The blue part is his side.

So even though this is uncomfortable, don't rush through it and don't leap into dating new people. Finish old business before starting new business.

I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place, to push my feelings aside to make my mono husband happy and this means we stay in a relationship, or consider that we try seperate. I also feel that either way we both will end up unhappy.

If you both are not ok at a middle place of

1) He talks to you about your poly feelings without freak outs so this becomes more open for you. Then you don't go around bottled up.
2) You become willing for it to remain just you and him so it's closed enough for him

Then you ARE dealing with the fact that over time you have become no longer compatible. And perhaps a separation is the healthiest solution rather than trying to square peg round hole. Coming to accept that? May add a THIRD component of grief.

When all the choices are stinky? Pick the least stinky choice.

Yes, all break ups come with a certain amount of sadness. But as the people heal, they can move on to find more compatible partners. The ugh eventually ends. They can move on to being happy again.

But you staying in a relationship model called monogamy you know doesn't fit just to make him happy? That's not you taking good care of you.
And if he loves you, he won't want to see you doing self neglect like that.

And him doing a relationship model called polyamory he knows he doesn't want just to make you happy? That's not him taking good care of him. If you love him, you won't want to see him doing self neglect like that.

Either of those paths? It's like never ending stink or diggigng the hole deeper rather than getting out of the hole.

So if the choices mean separate and bear some sadness during break up healing, and then both being able to move on to see more compatible partners? Verses one or the other bending into pretzels doing stuff they don't really want to be doing for indefinite stink?

Well, I know what I'd pick.

I suggest you do your soul searching. And continue to be up front and HONEST with spouse. Acknowledge his pain, say you are sorry this is happening like this (since you seem to be). But living a secret cheating life? That's not great either. Don't go back to that.

Have faith that actions rooted in good character will yield the best outcome even if you cannot see how right now. Maybe that helps you.

• Is in it good character to be honest? Yes.
• Is it in good character to seek help from a counselor? Yes.
• Is it in good character to do stuff you really don't want to be doing? No.
• Is it in good character to go back to cheating? No.

Slow some of this down. And stick to making choices that are in keeping with good character. Continue being up front and honest. I can imagine it very hard on both right now.

That's what I suggest.

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Enlightened,

You might want to read the book, "Sex at Dawn: how we mate, why we stray, and what it means for modern relationships," by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá. It talks about socially-accepted nonmonogamy both past and present, and explains how consensual nonmonogamy is the natural default for humans, and that monogamy has only been forced upon us during the last few thousand years. It is definitely okay to be polyamorous, you are not doing anything wrong.

On the other side of the coin, your husband is not obligated to agree to the polyamory, some people are staunchly monogamous and that is okay too. The sad fact of the matter is that you and your husband mayhaps have grown apart, and are no longer compatible with each other as husband and wife. I hope I'm wrong, and I don't mean to say that you ought to divorce right this minute. You can give your husband some time, perhaps as much as a year, to mull things over and perhaps find that he can stand polyamory. You can talk to him perhaps once a week or once a month, find out where he is at on the poly issue, and share your feelings. Do not practice poly unless and until he does consent to it, or perhaps you will find that staunch monogamy is a permanent thing for him, and then I would say divorce, and then you can practice polyamory.

You have jumped one big hurdle, the hurdle of finding out that it is okay for you to be poly, and that you are not alone in this. The next big hurdle will be negotiating with your husband; you have to keep in mind that discovering poly is not a happy development for him; he hasn't been tormenting himself with loving other women all these years, and thinking something's wrong with him. For you this is enlightenment. For him this is Hell. Neither of you chose this impasse, it is just the result of who you are. It is okay to be incompatible, it's not necessarily something you can help.

Let me know if I can help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.