Solo poly and vulnerability

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1234567

Member
I've been solo poly for a while. The poly fits me; the solo bit is not my first choice. But it's okay. I have good and even great relationships. The ones that have lasted have not been with people who have the availability to be live-in partners at this point, though that may change.

One area I've been thinking about is vulnerability. I like the ability to be mutually vulnerable in my relationships. But as solo poly, the fallout seems to be deeper. Especially after earth-shattering sex. Then the partner needs to go home, and the little comforts of presence aren't there. I do have overnights and the occasional extended time into the morning with my partners. Often times, though, depth happens in the few-hour-long dates.

It's not often that I'm left with a vulnerability hangover, but it happens.

I've asked for and gotten accommodation- contact if I need it; I eliminated impact play until I'm in a situation I'm not solo poly because it really goes deep for me, and too many times, I'm overly vulnerable afterwards and need presence I can't get; and I'm asking to share the burden of independence and not automatically be assigned it because I'm used to it in the V-type relationship I'm in.And I'm working on my relationship with myself to be some of my own support (I'm generally pretty good at this.). I still would like to be able to handle vulnerability better, though. I'm starting to suspect I need either a semi-nesting situation or a limit on vulnerability if I don't develop new skills. And I don't know what skills those would be.

Can I hear from other solo poly/ex solo poly people about what they find in this area? And while I'm at it, any stories of people actually finding a nesting partner or partners while solo poly? That seems rather unusual, and especially with not being hugely BDSM-y, I've been assuming my chances there are low unless on my current relationships grows into something more - is this other people's experience?

(If it's relevant to my chances, I'm a bi female in my 40's. Objectively, I think it's fair to say I'm a good catch for the right person- comsidered attractive, sex-positive, intelligent, kind, and good at forming relationships. Some of what I'm looking for is pretty specific, though- someone who is either feeling-driven or has A strongly developed feeling side; abstract thinker ; someone or someone's who own their feelings and is/are egalitarian. Most of the latter is common in poly; the need for an abstract thinker who is feeling orientated eliminates a large proportion of the population, though- maybe 20% fit that. And because of my kids, I have ties to this state so I can't look too far afield. So that seems a small pool.)
 
perhaps you could find someone for a mono relationship that was poly curious. spending some time mono and building a strong foundation to a relationship isn't always a bad thing.

then, once you're solid, you can bring others into the relationship.


I met my wife coming from a hotwife style relationship with my previous GF. After hearing about her wild side I told her about my previous relationship. I was disappointed when she told me she'd "never do that to me" (even though I WANTED her to). We spend a few years building a great relationship and we opened the marriage when the time was right.
 
I did try going the mono route, and realized that I valued one of the relationships I had so strongly it was a non-negotiable for me at the moment, and continues to be. One of the things that happened in the mono period with me, my partner, and my metamour from that relationship was a recognition that meeting my needs was going to need to take higher priority, because my absence in that particular relationship was hard on all. And we're talking about what that looks like, and there's openness to growth, so it feels viable for now.

My thoughts at the moment are that a combination of developing tolerance for vulnerability and asking for appropriate sharing of that is the way to go. My question is partly "what is appropriate?" when it comes to vulnerability. What is owning of feelings vs the support you can expect from a relationship?

I've seen both sides go overboard from the other side: I had one partner refuse to do his fair share of vulnerability in a deep relationship, and the relationship crashed because of me taking the lion's share there to keep the relationship going (so I learned to look for someone who could and would be vulnerable and share the emotional labor in a relationship- and appreciate that in my current relationships).

I had one where my partner was frequently and beautifully vulnerable, but then expected me to meet his resultant needs even if I was on a date - and I'm still figuring out what was healthy and unhealthy about it. I think he had a right to expect support from me, and I gave that when asked, or I could offer, but not to give up my life to meet his support needs, which is where we clashed.

In my current relationships, I'm confident that if I figure out what is fair and appropriate and ask for it, I will get it. I'm just not sure what that is.
 
And.... I think I may have answered my own question. I think it is appropriate, in deeper poly relationships, to expect support for the vulnerability that's created and inherent to be on the table and offered, and be able to be asked for if not offered, and accommodation made for that. It's not appropriate for that to take precedence over other commitments, including commitments a partner makes to his/herself, but it is appropriate for needed support/contact to be there around other commitments.

The "owning your own feelings"'comes in with "this is my vulnerability, and while I prefer to had company working it through, if it's not there, I will do self-care and work through that on my own, no resentment, if I need to". And "I tend towards deeper, more vulnerable connections, so I will pick people who also value those and are willing to reciprocally nurture that."
 
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I'm having a hard time trying to understand what you want from your partners when you are feeling vulnerable. For me, I only need to feel safe enough to be vulnerable - and it takes time to get there, of course. So, what I want from my relationships is that safe space where I can be myself and let myself feel fragile, vulnerable, open. However, I don't look to anyone else to be responsible for my feelings, nor for taking care of me and my feelings. If I don't feel the ability to let myself be vulnerable with someone, but still enjoy other aspects of the relationship enough to continue it, I self-monitor my feelings and make every effort to keep my feet on the ground. I strive to be present in every moment so that I can see each relationship for what it is and not get caught up in wishing it was something else.

You also mentioned "impact play," which I belive is a BDSM term, and yet stated that you're not "hugely BDSM-y," so that confuses me as well.

I'm solo poly, btw.
 
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Contact- and preferably presence- of a partner is my preferred mode after a period of intense vulnerability. I find that reassuring, and like the closeness. It helps bring in a closure to the episode. I don't need this often. Not with run of the mill vulnerability. But the aftermath of laying myself barer than I thought I could. Think- a really mind-blowing boundary stretching BDSM scene. Or a 60-orgasm-and-boy-were-they-intense sex session. With me, there's a need for aftercare/afterglow, especially if either results in a subspace (which repeated intense orgasms can cause for me.). And also, sometimes, I feel a need for a reaching out to the person the next day.

It seems to be common among the people I talk to that after vulnerability, there can be some fragileness afterwards. Maybe that isn't true for you or outside my circle.

I know I recognize that and try to offer presence and support for my partners when that happens.

As to the not intense BDSM thing- I think I limit it because it is so deeply intense for me. So I like a good mix of vanilla in there, where I know I can handle the intensity afterwards. I had PTSD (intense work moved me from a strong case to sub-clinical) and that still sometimes gets touched, so some things like power exchange and impact play that form the backbones of BDSM are things I approach with caution because the cost after is high.
 
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1234567 said:
Not with run of the mill vulnerability. But the aftermath of laying myself barer than I thought I could. Think- a really mind-blowing boundary stretching BDSM scene. Or a 60-orgasm-and-boy-were-they-intense sex session. With me, there's a need for aftercare/afterglow, especially if either results in a subspace (which repeated intense orgasms can cause for me.). And also, sometimes, I feel a need for a reaching out to the person the next day.
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I know exactly what you're talking about and I've been working on this consciously for about two years. I am at a place where "feeling vulnerable" and especially that post-stretching worry/concern/need are largely issues that have faded. I mention this to let you know that it can be done and that you aren't beholden to post-subspace (or any kind of sexual experience) vulnerability/anxiety just because a lot of other people experience it. Yes, it can really help to know that your experience is common, that you're not alone, but you don't have to live in a world where you're exposing yourself, making yourself vulnerable, then automatically dealing with whatever raw and ragged feelings afterward.

The more stable and clear you are about keeping your own balance (as nycindie describes above) the less you experience post-sex anxiety and more you attract partners who are also stable and available to you if and when you need some "after" reassurance. If you have strong NEED to be cared for emotionally, you'll be drawn into situations where your partners fall short, for their abilities will be matching your need. The more you develop a stronger sense of emotional autonomy (not isolation, but emotional confidence) the more you will attract partners who will be available to you emotionally: before, during and after. Looking for people who can "meet your needs" and save you from feeling vulnerable is backwards. It's all about what YOU have going in YOU. Your relationships reflect who you are inside, so the way to change your experience with others is to change within.

I'm going to suggest that you don't want a partner to be physically with you more often as much as you want to feel emotionally stable and peaceful after you've been intensely sexual with him. Just being in the physical vicinity doesn't provide the comfort you're talking about. Feeling peaceful in yourself and connected to your partner does and you can experience peace and emotional connection without the person sitting right in front of you. So I'd focus on working my way to peaceful autonomy (thereby attracting a more emotionally available partner) rather than searching for a partner who has "time" and promises to be there for you. You will always attract the partner that reflects your inner world, so the way to have a satisfying partner is to have a satsifying inner life. The more you develop your inner peace, you don't NEED people nearly as much and consequently, you'll find that your partner is always "there for you" in ways that you won't even need to ask for.
 
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I found a nesting partner after being solo poly, but it's with someone who decided for herself that she didn't want to be poly any more, and I wasn't getting my needs met with poly, so... we're happily monogamous now.

(And we met in a leather bar and originally only intended to have casual fun together. It just turned out different.)
 
Karen, that is extremely helpful. Thank you. You're so right that I want the stability, not the presence. . And so wonderful to know this can be a stage, not a sentence!!
 
I'm keeping on rereading that because it's dense! Both the other responses helped, too. Thank tou for that input.
 
It's my pleasure. :)

Amy Jo Goddard is a great resource for support and thoughts around sexual expression, especially for women. She is poly and kink friendly - all about facilitating people (especially women) to find their emotional, sexual and financial joy and well being. Her youtube vids are also helpful. Her perspective has been one of the essential resources that has helped me move from an overwhelming amount of fear and anxiety (related specifically to my sexuality) to a life of enjoyment, positive choices and peace - and a lot of joyful boundary expanding sexual activity!
 
I havent read more than your OP, 1234567, but in your other thread you say you are planning on moving into a house with both your partners and one metamour. So where's the solo poly bit fit in? Very confused.

Edit: finished the thread. So you're 40something with multiple kids. That has bearing on your other thread where you say you ARE moving in with your 2 partners and one metamour. Hmmm...
 
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1234567 said:
Contact- and preferably presence- of a partner is my preferred mode after a period of intense vulnerability. I find that reassuring, and like the closeness. It helps bring in a closure to the episode. I don't need this often. Not with run of the mill vulnerability.
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Oh, er.. these are episodes, then? Not the vulnerability that happens when you're getting closer to someone and revealing more of yourself? It has a beginning and ending to it?

1234567 said:
Think- a really mind-blowing boundary stretching BDSM scene. Or a 60-orgasm-and-boy-were-they-intense sex session.
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I cannot relate to a BDSM scene, because I've never done that, so I don't know what you mean. Not all polyfolk are kinky. And I don't know what a 60 orgasm is,as I've never heard that term before. But I'm getting that you are having rather intense experiences and looking for more comfort afterwards than you usually receive.

1234567 said:
With me, there's a need for aftercare/afterglow, especially if either results in a subspace (which repeated intense orgasms can cause for me.). And also, sometimes, I feel a need for a reaching out to the person the next day.
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Again, I don't know what sub space feels like.

1234567 said:
It seems to be common among the people I talk to that after vulnerability, there can be some fragileness afterwards. Maybe that isn't true for you or outside my circle.
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Well, to me, vulnerable and fragile are very closely related. The sense of feeling vulnerable would come up when I am first feeling fragile. But the only time I can think of in my life where vulnerability came up like in an episode was when my mother died and I was leaning on my ex-husband as we walked to the memorial service. I felt so vulnerable and fragile then. In my current relationships, feeling vulnerable with someone usually happens out of emotional closeness and intimacy, but it's not not something that hits me like a ton of bricks that I need someone to take care of me for. Besides, usually when I feel vulnerable, I take comfort in solitude.

1234567 said:
As to the not intense BDSM thing- I think I limit it because it is so deeply intense for me. So I like a good mix of vanilla in there, where I know I can handle the intensity afterwards. I had PTSD (intense work moved me from a strong case to sub-clinical) and that still sometimes gets touched, so some things like power exchange and impact play that form the backbones of BDSM are things I approach with caution because the cost after is high.
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Well, it does sound like you know how to pace yourself. If you're not getting the kind of "after care" you need, I think it would be best to continue to keep hold of the reins and not let yourself completely slide into a state where you need more care from someone else.
 
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nycindie said:
Oh, er.. these are episodes, then? Not the vulnerability that happens when you're getting closer to someone and revealing more of yourself? It has a beginning and ending to it?

I cannot relate to a BDSM scene, because I've never done that, so I don't know what you mean. Not all polyfolk are kinky. And I don't know what a 60 orgasm is,as I've never heard that term before. But I'm getting that you are having rather intense experiences and looking for more comfort afterwards than you usually receive.
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60 orgasms, Cindie. She is mega orgasmic, like me. Though 30 is about my limit! lol

Again, I don't know what sub space feels like.
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It's an intensely otherworldly feeling brought on by a huge endorphin dump.

There's info about getting aftercare all over the web, if you just search BDSM aftercare. If your Doms won't or can't do it, find a friend to snuggle, is one common suggestion.
 
nycindie said:
If you're not getting the kind of "after care" you need, I think it would be best to continue to keep hold of the reins and not let yourself completely slide into a state where you need more care from someone else.
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"Aftercare" is a common expectation in BDSM because the experience is by design quite emotionally intense. Physical intensity is obvious, but the emotional intensity is sometimes not as obvious, but definitely a huge aspect in the appeal of kink. Part of what makes a good experience is seeing that each person has what he/she needs in the way of support afterwards. The whole purpose of being submissive is to not keep hold of the reins so that you can venture into territory that you would never get to on your own. This is often exhilarating and otherworldly-feeling (AKA "subspace") but it can also leave a person feeling extremely vulnerable when the dust settles. Part of having a good dom-sub or top-bottom relationship is developing trust and being there for each other specifically because both the dom and sub do "let go of the reins" and allow themselves to have an experience that is very different than what most people experience when they are sexual together. When people don't have (usually by agreement) an emotional connection with their play partner, they often have others who are available for the specific emotional support that is aftercare.

I'll say that for me, I can't imagine having a dom/sub relationship that is poly (although clearly others do) because the d/s experience is so very emotionally intense for me and I love being the one-and-only that my partner shares this with. A big part of getting over insecurity for me has been aligning with my desire for very close contact in general with partners instead of feeling conflicted and that I "shouldn't" need that. I was poly dating for about two years and when I met my current BF, we ventured into kink and now have a strong dom/sub relationship - not a 24/7 thing, but the d/s foreplay and sex is beyond anything I've ever experienced and I would not want to "share" this outside of our relationship. I need what we do to be exclusive to us and he feels the same. Yes, there are many people who do poly kink, but I'm very much (at least for now) mono kink, even though I can otherwise enjoy poly relationships. So consider that as an option, 123456. Just because you're poly and dating doesn't mean that you have to be poly in relationships that are kinky. A big part of overcoming the insecurity you describe is confidence in knowing what works for you and what doesn't. The more secure you are about your preferences, the more you'll attract partners who reflect those preferences back to you.
 
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Magdlyn said:
I havent read more than your OP, 1234567, but in your other thread you say you are planning on moving into a house with both your partners and one metamour. So where's the solo poly bit fit in? Very confused.

Edit: finished the thread. So you're 40something with multiple kids. That has bearing on your other thread where you say you ARE moving in with your 2 partners and one metamour. Hmmm...
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That wasn't me... That was a thread I was replying to, I think!
 
nycindie said:
Sorry, I had the sense that the OP isn't actually in a Dom/sub relationship, but that these intense episodes that leave her feeling vulnerable are just sort of happening in her liaisons without a formal kind of BDSM agreement.
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Both kinky and hyperorgasmic episodes have set this off. And tantric sex.
 
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Karen's post resonated with me:


"Aftercare" is a common expectation in BDSM because the experience is by design quite emotionally intense. Physical intensity is obvious, but the emotional intensity is sometimes not as obvious, but definitely a huge aspect in the appeal of kink. Part of what makes a good experience is seeing that each person has what he/she needs in the way of support afterwards. The whole purpose of being submissive is to not keep hold of the reins so that you can venture into territory that you would never get to on your own.This is often exhilarating and otherworldly-feeling (AKA "subspace") but it can also leave a person feeling extremely vulnerable when the dust settles. Part of having a good dom-sub or top-bottom relationship is developing trust and being there for them"


I do think that crashes generally happen when one could reasonably expect aftercare and it was even expected on both party's sides, and didn't happen.
Some of this has beenboundaries that have been addressed, and hopefully fixed, with the polygroup dynamics.

I think I might possibly be barking up the wrong tree in trying to be less vulnerable. That's an important trait when you're parenting two kids solo- but maybe not so appropriate with partners. If there's not space for dealing with appropriate vulnerability after deep physically driven emotional connection, maybe that needs to be addressed, or not happen. This doesnMr have to be presence- just good treatment and appropriate contact.
 
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