some help and advice please

J

jewelz

New member
So I am new here. Well to the whole thing really. I wanted to see if anyone had any advice or anything. So here is the story.

I am married, in the last few months things at home had been stressful. My husband and myself are trying to work through issues that we have had that last few months. I started getting upset about everything (getting help with that) but during this time my husband went to my best friend of 16 years to see if she had any advice to help. Well they become close friends and have romance feeling for each other. He told her that he loves her more then just a friend. And she tells me that she also is in love with me.

I love her too. We all cuddle together a couple of times but I got upset with them holding hands during the cuddle time, that I kinda freaked out a little. I got jealous about them holding hands and it kinda started an other big fight. But I have had time to think about everything and I do love them both. And I want us to happy but because of past events its hard. I do know that's its going to take time for everyone to feel comfortable with each other again. The main problem is that he and I are trying to rebuild our relationship and I'm trying to rebuild my friendship. I love them both but don't know how to make all of this work. He tells me that its not about sleeping with her. Now her and I have slept together once and he was fine with it. As a matter of fact he thinks its a great idea.

This is one of my biggest questions. How to over come being jealous? I'm kinda jealous of the time that they get to spend together. And of the relationship that they have. I know that my husband and I are working on rebuilding our relationship and because of what has happen its taking time. But I want to know how to over come being jealous of what they have.

But how do I get past some of the jealousy that I have? How do I make all of this work? How do you get over the hang ups about society? I am looking for advice on any of this. But I don't know of anyone as been through something like this. Any advice would be great. Thank you
 
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*You* (the singular "you") don't make this all work by yourself. The three of you have to work together if it's going to happen.

Communication is the biggest thing. All three of you should be able to bring up questions and concerns to each other, all three of you should feel that you're being listened to by the others. That might help with the jealousy, too; back when Hubby dated another woman a couple of times, just being able to tell him that I was feeling a little jealous and insecure helped me not feel that way as much, as did his reassurances that it was okay to feel that way but I didn't need to.

As for the hang-ups about society... I don't really have advice to offer on that. My personal opinion is "screw society, whatever happens among consenting adults is no one else's fricking business", but that mindset might not work for everyone.
 
You asked three questions, which I'll give relatively crappy answers to, if that's okay...

"How do I get past some of the jealousy that I have?"

There's no answer to this, just a sense of working on your own security and knowing that the two people who are doing this actually love you like crazy. They wouldn't do it if you didn't feel safe, and you can feel safe knowing that they love you.

A different perspective is about what you're doing and not doing. My jealousy, I've found, isn't about what other people are doing. It's about what I wish they were doing with me. So if they're holding hands and mine are empty - wah! If they're being lovey and I'm left out - ow! Sometimes it's hard to admit that you want husband or best friend to make out with you... But, I've found that jealousy is one of my best indicators of "oh, here's this unarticulated thing, and I really want it, even if I'm scared."

"How do I make all of this work?"

By trying? I don't mean to be dumb, but that's all I've got.

"How do you get over the hang ups about society?"

Maybe this: you set a time limit and a goal. When we have reached comfort with Stage X (you collectively define this) or when Time Y has passed, we will come out as the complicated set of couples that we are.

What I've found is that "society" doesn't give a shit. Some of your friends and family might. Most of "society" won't know, and won't care. The friends you lose (because of your happiness) are friends that care for principle more than you. The family that turns their back on you may care for appearances more than humanity. In the end, you can hide it for as long as you want, you can flaunt it as loud as you want, or you can quietly tell your closest friends and have them hold you even closer in their heart - while telling you you're crazy, it'll never work, but who cares, they love you anyway.

That's all I got. Not sure if it's any help.
 
jewelz said:
How do you get over the hang ups about society?
Click to expand...

Well, on that front, what are your hangups in particular on that one? I've found friends don't care, the only hard part is that if you expect to be in public with your Other Sig Others that it's MUCH better to be "out" as poly because you don't think that anyone that sees you, that you don't know is there, is thinking you're having an affair. I'm not that person so letting people think that is Not OK in my world. Otherwise, well... are there any *real* repercussions that you face from society? Jobs that might be an issue or whatnot? If all you have to worry about is people's opinions than if you lose someone's good opinion because of how you choose to handle relationships, well, was that opinion even worth it?
 
What's the desired outcome for you, her and him?

You are vague about past events -- but how does that affect today? (You don't have to share here, I'm just lifting up that this is something to resolve with them.)


For jealousy? Maybe all of you can read these and talk:

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/images/Jealousy_Updated_10-6-10.pdf
http://www.cat-and-dragon.com/stef/poly/Labriola/jealousy.html

Labriola's jealousy workbook is relatively new -- it's at amazon here:

http://www.amazon.com/The-Jealousy-Workbook-Exercises-Relationships/dp/0937609633

But in your case if it were me? I would talk in trio clarify what the shared desired outcome is here.

  • What relationship shape are we trying to be right now?
  • What are we trying to become over time?
  • Is everyone willing?
  • Is everyone ABLE? What skills are required? Does each person have that ability already or need to grow it first?
  • What are the boundaries? What are deal breakers?
  • What are our agreements?
  • How do we agree to be together?
  • How do we hold ourselves and each other accountable?

Could clarify that, then agree on the steps to work toward that. It's not a single talk but probably MANY talks over time.

But first up would be these:

You and him in healing the marriage.
You and her in healing the friendship.

Then you all can move on to the next baby step of building a new trio thing from solid foundations. Not wonky ones. If it's all shaky foundation in two of your relationship legs?

  • You + him?
  • You + her?

Then it stands to reason that attempting a

  • Him+You+her

circle or triangle thing at this time is shaky and wobbly because there's weak links in there. All rickety.

I'm not talking about all of you being lovers, I mean all of you trusting each other, communicating with each other, being able to articulate how you feel, think, etc.

  • What is it you think (him and her) have that (you and he) do not have that causes you to ENVY and want it for yourself?
  • What is it you think (you and he) have that you think might be taken away by (him and her) that causes you JEALOUSY?

Breathe, slow it down, talk it out. You can do this.

HTH!

Galagirl
 
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more info

Thank you first off for all the help.

I wanted to question the question that someone asked about the problems.
My husband and I have had a tough few months because I got stressed at work and depressed. And I would come home upset and be kinda.mean with everyone. That's how he and my best friend started really talking.
Now he and I are working on our relationship, trying to make it better and stronger.
 
Is your job still causing you trouble? Any chance you could look for a job that might not be so stressful?

What about the idea of seeing a counselor? Possibly a pdoc? The right meds do help some people. They help me.

Some more jealousy-related links:

Let us discuss the greeneye monster shall we?
How to slay the greeneyed beastie.

Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, Etc.
How do you achieve compersion?

The Theory of Jealousy Management
The Practice of Jealousy Management

Jealousy and the Poly Family
Brené Brown: the Power of Vulnerability

Re (from OP):
"How do I make all of this work?"
Click to expand...

Not to sound dense or clinical, but how are we defining "work" and "all of this?" What is "all of this" and what would it look like if it "worked?"

Re:
"How do you get over the hang ups about society?"
Click to expand...

Do you mean how do you get over the monogamous hang ups that society programs into you? If you do, then I have to warn you there's no quick or easy way. Do a lot of reading and posting right here on this forum. Take it slow; don't rush into anything. And communicate a lot. It's going to take some time.

I hope some of this input is helpful.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
getting help

I am seeing a doctor about my anger problems. One of the things that she has told me is that one of the reasons why I was getting angry is because I couldn't express how I was feeling.
And thank you for the articles, I can start to understand more.
One of my problems with coming out to people about being in a poly is that we live in a smaller community.

As far as my jealousy, its the fact that right now they seem to have a better relationship as far as communication. He doesn't really talk to me about what is going on with him. He talks with her more. So yeah sometimes it bugs me.
 
Ah, nothing stirs up jealousy quite like seeing that someone else has something that you don't have (that you really really want and need). So I don't blame you for that. And it is important to be able to express yourself; otherwise you turn into an overworked pressure cooker and things just get worse.

Something that might possibly help: having weekly sit-downs where you take turns talking about your wants and needs, and working on possible ways you can all meet those wants and needs working together as a team. The challenge is that you have to talk about sensitive topics, so you have to be careful not to get angry or defensive.

Re: coming out ... is that something you have to do? something you want to do? Some people keep their poly stuff in the closet; my little trio does (Well we conceal it from 99% of our long-time family/friends and from all of our work associates). Just wondering how you felt about that (and what your situation was).
 
I honestly don't know if I would tell my family. I would not tell my co- worker(for a few reasons). I do feel that it is no ones business but ours.
I just want to be happy with the people I love. I'm working very hard with everything that I am trying to do.

But yes it is hard to see it all the time and want and need it. Like for some reason today has been very hard for me. An some days it doesn't bother me.
 
Yeah, some days are worse than others. I feel ya.

Just be patient and give it some time. Keep working on it. You might not notice the difference in a week, but in a month or a year you might be able to look back and say, "Wow -- big difference!"

Hang in there.
 
No problem; God bless.
 
The three of us have talked about somethings. One impptant thing for me was that I don't want an open relationship. I want it to be just the three of us, and they both agree. To me that is a step towards the positive.
Just like I have come to understand that not everything needs to be fast pace. We can take things slow and just let them come naturally.
 
Hey, that sounds like some good news. Awesome! I think you (the three of you) can do this.
 
Yeah, I think that we can. Like I said I love them both and they love me. And just getting that one thing off my chest and out in the open made me feel better.
 
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