Alright, this is a triad where each of the 3 is involved with the other two romantically. You want to be here but are on a steep learning curve and experiencing a lot of poly hell. Part of the price of admission.
Bud is willing to work with you on this -- is Sweet Lady? There is nothing wrong with ALL of you reading the poly hell article together as a triad, or all of you coming up with something. Bud's first brainstorm thing is to bring Sweet Lady into the conversation and suggests some temporary limits where things could change. Nothing wrong with training wheels on a bike so there's less wobble and then taking them off later. How's Sweet Lady feel about it? What are her brainstorm things? How do you feel about it? What are your brainstorm things?
For all you know creating opportunity to share and talk about relationship stuff gives the other two opportunity to air out what THEY have going on in the transition period as you all move toward the "new normal." And opportunities where YOU could be the supportive partner.
There's nothing wrong with TALKING it through, nobody is being forced to change anything against their will. Why do you shy away from having the discussion with both your partners? What's so horrible about your triad partners helping you through a hard transition time? Or you offering to help them?
I don't want my struggles adjusting to the new me/us/them to hurt her in any way.
Even when sharing in your joys and concerns is part of what she signed up for in a triad? That's a good way to keep her blocked "out" -- to not let her in.
Her relationship with Bud shouldn't have to follow any rules because of what is going on in my head.
I observe you fight the "should" thing. Could change it to "could." Her relationship with Bud could follow some guidelines to help ease you through the transition. Guess what? Your relationship with Bud could too to make it easier on her. So could your relationship with Sweet Lady follow some things to make the transition time easier on Bud. Are you all willing to talk and sort out so you can all have an easier transition time? What's so horrible about that? Talk BACK to "the Should voice." Learn to self sooth a bit.
Could this article help you (esp page 5 and 6) articulate what it is about jealousy that is bugging you?
http://practicalpolyamory.com/images/Jealousy_Updated_10-6-10.pdf
Or any of these on jealousy?
http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles
Of the unique things to a triad is that "the other guy" is your partner. It isn't a model where Bud is the hinge and "the other guy" is some metamour over THERE type person. That person is actually your other partner. It isn't dealing with one V. It's dealing with three V's stacked up. The feelings are amped up as a result.
- You do not only experience Bud jealousy where you worry about his other partner taking something you have (time with Bud). You experience envy with Bud at the same time -- wishing you had what he had (time with Sweet Lady.)
- You do not only experience Sweet Lady jealousy where you worry about her other partner taking something you have (time with Sweet Lady). You experience envy with Sweet Lady at the same time -- wishing you had what she had (time with Bud.)
I think you could be blaming yourself or your monogamous upbringing when some of it is actually
the model you guys are trying to practice. It's a tough one. Not impossible, but a tough one. I also think you ARE making this harder on yourself by analayzing everything so much. RELAX.
If typing things out makes it feel like an anthill when it felt like Mount Rushmore -- there you go. You have found one way to get a grip on your emotional management/anxiety/fear/panic stuff. Write it out. Cool off. Take notes for what triggers you as well as what makes you feel better. Accept it as a learning curve process. Note the other ways you discover to get your emotional management into a better place.
It is NORMAL to grieve the loss of how things were before even if you are excited and looking forward to the "new normal" because weathering changes is being up in the air. No longer the "old normal" and not yet the "new normal" because its still sorting out. Being in the in between space feels shaky. It's ok. It is NORMAL for things to be weird at the start until the "new normal" establishes itself. Weathering out the transition time is how you GET to the "new normal."
You are NOT crazy.
You are human. You are also not your thoughts or your feelings. You are the person doing the thinking and experiencing the feelings. When your internal critic pipes up telling you that you should not love two people, you can talk BACK.
1) Make it a habit to replace "should" with "could." It then becomes "You could not love two people."
2) Talk BACK and self soothe: "That's right. I could not. But I DO love two people. So.... it is what it is."
3) Identify: "What's bugging me right now? Anything? Or is this just chatterbox noise burbling up?'
4) Problem solve: (If there is actually a problem. If chatterbox stuff, ignore.)
Some of this is going to be changes in the interpersonal skills -- how you related to Bud and Sweet Lady. Some of it is going to be changes with intrapersonal skills -- how you relate and talk to yourself inside your own head. And how you talk inside your head? It either ADDS to your problems in transition time or TAKES AWAY from the problems of transition time. Go with the ones that take away and reduce your stress. Don't add to your stress.
Hang in there. You can do this. Become more willing to talk to your triad partners and forge the new ways of going together. That's what you want right? Don't balk at first opportunity. Learning to work in trio is going to be a part of this... so sort it out in trio. Start a journal, sort things out with yourself too.
You will be ok.
Galagirl