Sorting out my thoughts

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dragonshadow

New member
Warning, very long post, but I'm trying to explain the situation. I am new here.

I have been thrust into a relationship with someone that claims to be poly. By that I mean we have been together for several years and married for almost 4. We have a child together. I was told that she was poly several months, ago after finding out about an online affair that had gone on for 7 months.

I've been doing research, as well as my own soul-searching, so please correct me if I am wrong or not seeing something from the right view. From what I've gathered, polyamory means to have a loving relationship with more than one person, but doesn't nesessarily involve cuddling or sexual expression.:confused: If so, then I guess I would be considered polyamorous, as I have several people that I am close to.

This is my story thus far. It starts about 2 years ago. My wife and I are avid video gamers and this is where she started meeting people and at first this was fine until she started playing non-stop blowing off close friends and myself, not sleeping for more than a couple of hours a night, not eating. I couldn't get her attention to talk to her, which resulted in me shutting down emotionally from time to time, mostly by 4 or 5 in the morning, when she would finally come to bed. I decided to find the source of the trouble and find out was going on and discovered him to be a manipulating predator. I told her I wanted her to stop talking to this person and why. She did as I asked and mostly everything was fine.

However, there were still some problems we were having because of her addiction to the game and her lack of sharing in household chores, and spending less time with each other and our friends, which has developed a bit of a rift between them.

At some point, she latched onto another person and started having an online affair in the game and through e-mail. I knew something was going on, just not how far, or with whom.

One of the friends she made online she started making plans to have come over. She had already made apparent that it was fine, despite knowing I didn't want or like the idea, because at the time we were still having some issues to work out and she was still giving all her time and energy to all these online friends, particularly him, with constant chatting and texting and phone calls, and none to me. At first it was supposed to be him, his wife and there child, and they were to stay at a hotel. Quickly it became just him and his child, and then just him, and him staying at our house, which was much to my dislike, because I felt that I was being lied to.

Needless to say, at some point they were a little too cuddly on the couch. We had a big blow up. He was told it was in his best interest to leave in a hurry, much to my wife's dislike.

Anyhow, we kept going on, and eventually my wife made plans to go up there after everything settled down, with our child in tow, despite me saying I didn't want her to be herself with him because barely even knew him. By this point, my trust had been severely tested. We continued to carry on as normal. At some point, we make plans to go up and visit him and his wife. (He actually did have one.) We went up and I pretty much spent the entire time feeling like a third wheel and being ignored. A waste of a 4 hour drive for me, watching my wife be almost a little too comfortable.

We got home, things were still somewhat bad. She was depressed all the time. I wanted to help, but she wouldn't talk to me about any of it. So I did read her text to her friends that we went to go see, because she said she had been talking to them about her issues. I admit that was wrong but I didn't feel like I had anywhere else to turn. Instead of finding problems, I saw texts of, "I'm sorry hubby was hovering so much. I would like to have had that chance to kiss." :mad:

So I dug further and found photos of some other guy and an email affair with someone else. Then came the confrontation and me almost going to the courthouse to file for divorce. We talked a lot, She thought it was okay, because the affair had ended a few months ago. She wasn't the one who'd ended it. She wasn't that happy because it ended nor did she know why it ended.

At this point, I was emotionally wrecked and no longer trusted anything she said. Yet I stayed, because I wanted to try to get us back to what we were.

This blow up happened in October. We are still working things out. She says she is poly and also possibly bi. Apparently, the kiss text was from his wife, around this timeframe, and she was just discovering this about herself.

As a note, she doesn't get along well with other women. None of the people she spends her time talking to are female, except for the other person's wife, and then, not often.

I had never heard about this before. She tried to explain it, but to me, this just sounded like a way to make it excusable to sleep around and cheat. (I do not mean to offend anyone. This was my first impression.)

This led to more talking, expressing our feelings, and having sex. I've come to the conclusion she does this to cloud my thoughts, and make me feel better at the same time, if that makes any sense. I'm still trying to sort and phrase that better.

Anyhow, this also brought on negotiations such as having a threesome, as well as a "one-penis policy," as I've heard it referred to on here. Regardless, I wasn't comfortable with even doing that.

So far, nothing has come of that. I barely trust her, and she knows that. She constantly hides text windows when I come by and waits till I walk away. And when I do come across something not meant for me to see. It's extremely shady. She claims it to be just role play, as when her friend came down unexpectedly, when I had to work the next day. I saw a message between the two when I came home, that went along the lines of, "I'm glad I got to have you for a little while to myself, and made you scream my name." Another big blow up about this with her claiming it to be role play, and being angry about me thinking that they had sex. What the hell am I supposed to think with those circumstances? I'm not stupid and know very well that I could be just getting played.

We are still working on things. I believe things are coming to a head. She has a another friend that she talks to, and they have confessed to having feelings for each other, and she came forward to tell me so. I'm staying away from the both of them when they are talking to each other. I have told her that I would not be around them when they talk, because she by nature is flirtatious. I told her didnt want to be around to listen to it, knowing the feelings that exist. They are both upset because I refuse to group with them, though I dont believe she has told him why. Why exactly he is upset I don't know, because he has never really bothered to talk to me in the first place, just her same as with most of the friends she has made on the internet.

I know this was long. Kudos to anyone who actually read the whole thing. I just need someone to talk to, as my support group is pretty much gone, or don't know how to relate to it. The only ones I want to talk to, I don't trust. I can't talk to anyone else, because the other ones passed away shortly after our son was born, which makes me miss them that much more. I need advice and help. :(
 
Hello and welcome!

Whew, I read through your post and will probably have to reread it to make sense of it all. But just a few quick observations:

1) Most people who describe themselves as being in a polyamorous life situation at least cuddle with their paramours, and cuddles and kisses often lead to something more. Hoping to have an entirely chaste poly dynamic probably won't work for any extended period of time.

2) Your wife is addicted to gaming. Is she getting help for her addiction?

3) Your wife is repeatedly cheating on you with multiple partners, and chooses to keep on lying to you. How educated is she on poly? Her behavior towards you, in my opinion, is closer to emotional abuse than anything that could be described even as struggling polyamory.

4) Final question: what, at this point in time, is your greatest motivation to continue your relationship with her?
 
This is really sad. I'm sorry to hear that your wife is not being honest with you. Seemingly given the opportunity to be, she still feels the need to go behind your back, even in front of your face!

When I got together with Mono we were texting fiends. I decided that if I couldn't read a text out loud, I would not respond until I was not around PN. It worked well. If I could say, "Hey, Mono just said this" then I knew it was an okay time to text. We still operate that way and it works well. Somehow being able to pass on what others have said via text made all the difference to PN's feeling included and my feeling of respecting his need for my attention.

It sounds to me like she is either unaware or uncaring about what you think and feel, very inconsiderate and disrespectful. It sounds like she and you might benefit from sitting down and hashing out some boundaries that work better. Trust is earned. It is not a given at this point, I think, and she needs to know HOW you will be able to trust her again. Maybe she is not clear that sneaking is not going to win your trust. I'm sure there are numerous boundaries you could present to her that address your needs. She likely has her own boundaries, too. Asking her what they are might help.

I would wonder how much of her behaviour around texting and messaging is related to her addiction. Maybe she just can't help herself? I don't know. She has a lot to work on there and needs some serious counseling help, I would think!
 
The addiction is something that we having been working on for some time. She has been getting better. As far as the hiding of instant messages, texts and such, I've not seen in a while, but then, I'm not always around. We've had a large discussion and I got out a lot of what I wanted to say. How much of that has sunk in, I don't know, as she won't stop crying when trying to read the letter. Yes, I wrote out what I wanted to say so that I could get all of it out without an interruption, or being sidetracked. Then we discussed it afterwards.

BlackUnicorn
What is your greatest motivation to continue your relationship with her?
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I would have to say I love her deeply, which is why I don't know what to do, as I only see 3 options-- either separate, go into a polyamorous relationship, or stay monogamous. The first is pretty cut and dried. In a poly relationship, I just see myself growing resentful, jealous and angry. The monogamy I see being the same way, just on her end, until she finds someone else and decides to do it anyway.

As far as things have gone, she pretty much already has someone else lined up, though she says they are just being friends for now, even though they have feelings for each other, and she knows I don't want to be around when she talks to him, which is something she has yet to respect, as she spent an hour on the phone with him at 2 or 3 am, when we went to bed, talking about a movie we just watched, and shooting the breeze, while I'm lying there listening to this, and her giggling at this and that, while trying to fall asleep. Just a bit angry today. :mad:
 
Hey DragonShadow,

I'm sorry that this has been your introduction to non-monogamy. I hesitate to call it polyamory, given the lack of openness. One of the simplest definitions of poly is having multiple loves who all operate with honesty and openness in regards to the presence of each other. Given that your wife has had affair(s?), I can see how trying to shift to a poly dynamic would possibly cause you pain and resentment. Polyamory should not be an excuse for people to act irresponsibly and hurtfully towards those they love.

It sounds like you've thought pretty honestly about what possibilities there are. It doesn't seem like an easy decision. But don't feel like you're the bad guy if you don't want to try and create a poly dynamic from this situation. There's a thread on how introducing poly to a relationship that's having trouble can look. You may find some useful perspectives on that when you're considering your choices.
 
Fearing you might not be meant for someone can be very hard. If you get mad at your mom or your sister, you go away for a while, but they are still family. You know on your deathbed that if they live, they will be at your side.

But a mate, especially in monogamous relationships, when you let go, when you know you have to let go, you are torn between wanting to move on to being the kind of person you really want, and being hurt thinking of possibly letting go of one who has become the closest kind of family to you. They may find a new mate, and you could even lose them as a friend someday. That thought keeps some even bad relationships alive. I'm not saying yours is. It could become a wonderful new way of life for you. But let's evaluate to answer that question.

Oath breaking should never occur in any kind of relationship that is considered mutually beneficial. Without perfect trust, a relationship is ... well, ownership. If I stay with a man who I think will screw me over, I know this is not good for me. I know it will cause me stress, and my cortisol levels will rise. I will gain weight, have panic attacks. To stay is like allowing yourself to be hit and abused... just from the inside, where it is far more dangerous than a black eye. Seriously. Too many people don't think of it that way.

So, is she the woman you want, or not? Well, she's proven she must have someone other than you, so you're shit out of luck if you want to change her. She won't. Chances are, even if she tells you she will, she won't. But is she a cheater, or is she poly? Could you trust her in other ways before this?

More important to ask first though, are YOU poly?

Ask yourself this: Can you imagine an instance right now where your wife could be kissing a man, and you could at least call that man a friend, and love him for the happiness he is bringing your wife? Is there any guy out there you could tolerate this with? Imagine for a second you could even hand pick him, where he is someone you'd love to hang out with, but he kisses your wife. Will you ever allow this without being sick?

Once you know the answer to this, you know what you need to do?

You either leave her, and move on to a girl you can trust not to betray your way of life that you have every right to (and don't let your wife tell you any differently, if this isn't what you want), living life to its fullest, or you now need to establish an all-new kind of trust. Let her know she betrayed you, but that because you understand she wants more love in her life, and not less of yours, you will give her a second chance. Throw away the past. Let it go. Both of you dump your emotional ammunition and be as two completely new people, agreeing to bring up the past only when they are happy memories, or significant, but never ever ever to play the game of "You said I did this? Well, what about what you did on a Wednesday?" If you are that kind of couple, poly will rip apart your world, I promise you!

Fall in love again with her through this new understanding. Get to know each other. Talk about the kind of mates you both could tolerate them being with, and what your boundaries would be. (If you want to know some of the ones used in my life, and I can be of help in sharing, PM me sometime.)

When you come to a happy middle, set those rules in stone, unless you both wish to change the rule together. Never ever go off to break a relationship rule without prior consultation. Never! That's cheating, not a loving poly relationship. Best to give as few rules as possible, because one thing about poly is the enjoyment of freedom, yet we all have our limits. It doesn't make two people bad if they decide they can't live up to each other's rules. It's only bad when you waste your lives staying together bickering about it.

I wish you both the best of luck.

Perfect trust, or not at all. Let there be nothing else, or you are dying instead of living.
 
You really can't be poly without full disclosure. Without that, she's just been cheating, it seems, and claiming to be poly to justify her actions.

I'm sorry you are hurting!
 
She sounds like an NRE (new relationship energy) junkie to me. If she's depressed, then the high from involved in getting in these relationships could be like a form of self-medication.
 
Well, her NRE is no longer a big factor in this, as she is no longer talking to him. This was her decision so we can work on our issues without making more. However, she hasn't really been able to answer me when I ask her, what about the next time someone comes around that you want to be with? She just doesn't want me to leave.

I have thought about the NRE high-junkie scenario long before any of this started to happen, just from how our relations have changed over the years, with the lack of excitement, at least from her end. It is something we have talked about before. To me, that's what it sounds like.
 
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