Hey everyone. My partner started dating someone very recently and they moved very quickly to sex. I knew it was a possibility, but I didn't expect it would happen after the second date. We've had a lot of talks this week. Many emotional ones and I've been talking to a poly friend plus doing my own work challenging it. I'm hurt and I know it's my own stuff. I didn't do things with others, because he was uncomfortable in the past but he eventually said it was ok. I know that was my choice as well. I was really angry with him twice this week which isn't an emotion I'm used to experiencing, especially with him. I sat down and realized my anger was covering up my hurt. He sat down with me last night and let me cry it out then we had a good talk. I was reading in More Than Two about going through the dark night and I think I've had a few recently. This was a big change for us and I was taken by surprise by the speed of it although it was within our boundaries so he did absolutely nothing wrong. I feel confused by my emotional reactions. Has anyone experienced anything like this before when your SO had sex with someone else the first time or the first new relationship? Any advice or suggestions to help me through rough times like this. I'm so frustrated with myself for getting angry and even taking it out on him twice(which I apologized profusely for and I'm still shocked by my reaction).
SO's first intimate gf
- Thread starter Eponine31
- Start date
JaneQSmythe
Well-known member
You are not alone.
The first time MrS went home to go to an event with his ex I said "But of course you are going to have sex with her, why wouldn't you?" They did. And I found my reaction was NOT what I expected. His reaction to my reaction was "I knew it. Never again." This, I think was unfortunate. Because, after my emotional initial reaction ran its course I was, in fact, OK with it.
He did nothing wrong. I was upset by my own upset. These things happen. We can't always control or predict our feelings. You learn from them, pick yourself up and move along.
First off - Breathe. In and out. It WILL be OK. Talk about it, process it, alone and together. If things get heated - STOP. Take a breather. NOBODY wants anyone to hurt. NOBODY is causing pain on purpose. It is nobody's FAULT. The "new normal" is not "normal" yet. It's OK. You don't need to get it 100% on the first try.
Be patient with yourself. Be patient with each other. Breathe. This too, shall pass. Do comfortable, safe things WITH each other - be PRESENT. It really can be OK.
Hugs.
JaneQ
PS. That sex-with-ex incident? Happened 20+ years ago. Learning curve. (You can read more about it in my "Journey" blog here.)
The first time MrS went home to go to an event with his ex I said "But of course you are going to have sex with her, why wouldn't you?" They did. And I found my reaction was NOT what I expected. His reaction to my reaction was "I knew it. Never again." This, I think was unfortunate. Because, after my emotional initial reaction ran its course I was, in fact, OK with it.
He did nothing wrong. I was upset by my own upset. These things happen. We can't always control or predict our feelings. You learn from them, pick yourself up and move along.
First off - Breathe. In and out. It WILL be OK. Talk about it, process it, alone and together. If things get heated - STOP. Take a breather. NOBODY wants anyone to hurt. NOBODY is causing pain on purpose. It is nobody's FAULT. The "new normal" is not "normal" yet. It's OK. You don't need to get it 100% on the first try.
Be patient with yourself. Be patient with each other. Breathe. This too, shall pass. Do comfortable, safe things WITH each other - be PRESENT. It really can be OK.
Hugs.
JaneQ
PS. That sex-with-ex incident? Happened 20+ years ago. Learning curve. (You can read more about it in my "Journey" blog here.)
Last edited:
AspiringChill
New member
Hey Eponine31,
I just want to say that JaneQSmythe is right. These things take time and effort to process them and even though it feels overwhelming, it will pass. Heed Jane's advice.
It sucks. The feelings suck, and sometimes it feels overwhelming. But it doesn't mean your SO loves you any less, wants to be with you any less, or is trying to hurt you. It's cliche to say, but you'll find yourself coming out better in the end after processing and dealing with these feelings.
When my SO got into a relationship with someone and their relationsip turned sexual it was difficult to manage. But it helped to have solid mindful time with just each other to help tamp down on all the negative and hurtful feelings. It also helped when I was able to express being able to indulge in things of my own absent my SO.
One of the things that really helped (and something I'm currently still having occisional trouble with) was dealing with the fact that my SO is going to fuck up and that's ok. There will be times when your SO (and you) will do things that seem so feveretly unfair, and almost unforgivable in it's supposed hypocrisy. Those are the times when you need to be kind to yourself, feel your feelings, and later come to terms with how you've felt.
It's going to get better, even if it doesn't feel that way now.
Hugs and Love!
I just want to say that JaneQSmythe is right. These things take time and effort to process them and even though it feels overwhelming, it will pass. Heed Jane's advice.
It sucks. The feelings suck, and sometimes it feels overwhelming. But it doesn't mean your SO loves you any less, wants to be with you any less, or is trying to hurt you. It's cliche to say, but you'll find yourself coming out better in the end after processing and dealing with these feelings.
When my SO got into a relationship with someone and their relationsip turned sexual it was difficult to manage. But it helped to have solid mindful time with just each other to help tamp down on all the negative and hurtful feelings. It also helped when I was able to express being able to indulge in things of my own absent my SO.
One of the things that really helped (and something I'm currently still having occisional trouble with) was dealing with the fact that my SO is going to fuck up and that's ok. There will be times when your SO (and you) will do things that seem so feveretly unfair, and almost unforgivable in it's supposed hypocrisy. Those are the times when you need to be kind to yourself, feel your feelings, and later come to terms with how you've felt.
It's going to get better, even if it doesn't feel that way now.
Hugs and Love!
Hi Eponine31,
Just wanted to say I agree with the others; hang in there; you will be okay.
Perhaps this is an opportunity to analyze your feelings and figure out exactly where they're coming from. For instance, if it's fear, what is it fear of? What's the worst thing you can imagine happening because of this? How would you get through that? etc. ...
It's probably a good idea to talk about it with your partner some more. Talking helps (when we can do it calmly!).
I'm pulling for you,
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Just wanted to say I agree with the others; hang in there; you will be okay.
Perhaps this is an opportunity to analyze your feelings and figure out exactly where they're coming from. For instance, if it's fear, what is it fear of? What's the worst thing you can imagine happening because of this? How would you get through that? etc. ...
It's probably a good idea to talk about it with your partner some more. Talking helps (when we can do it calmly!).
I'm pulling for you,
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Thanks!
I really appreciate all of your support. He and I did a lot of talking and sexy time. It helped to get back into the norm and see that we are ok and it didn't change anything about us. In fact, it may have improved it in one aspect already in the bedroom getting new ideas(but I won't get all into that). My goal is to focus on all the good things happening every day. When I catch a fear or anxiety come to mind I'm countering it with something good and often sharing it with him. I had a really good time with him this weekend and I can't wait for our next date.
I really appreciate all of your support. He and I did a lot of talking and sexy time. It helped to get back into the norm and see that we are ok and it didn't change anything about us. In fact, it may have improved it in one aspect already in the bedroom getting new ideas(but I won't get all into that). My goal is to focus on all the good things happening every day. When I catch a fear or anxiety come to mind I'm countering it with something good and often sharing it with him. I had a really good time with him this weekend and I can't wait for our next date.