I have been poly-soloing.
Okay, you are a free agent and can do what you want as far as who and when you date, while being respectful of your dating partners, of course.
I would say there are many different variables that could affect how spontaneous your dating can or should be.
I am in early stages with a partner. It's been wild and very satisfying.
So you are in NRE with one new person and probably seeing them often.
Is this person poly too?
Does he have other partners?
How many other partners do you have?
Are they local so you can also see them often?
Are your partners also "solo poly"?
Are they poly at all, or mono to you?
Are they in a long-term nesting situation (even married) with someone else?
Does anyone have kids?
All these factors will probably affect how spontaneous they can be, or if they have to do more planning.
We've come across the spontaneity question. My boundary is l update my partners on my meetings.
I wouldn't call this a boundary, but just more of a preference. Would you clarify? You like to tell
all your partners as soon as you know you will be suddenly going on a date with someone, or perhaps meeting someone new and immediately wanting to be sexual? If you have a lot of partners, this would seem to be time-consuming.
Some may want to be told in advance, some are okay with as soon afterwards as you can, or some want to be told if you've added a new partner, had sex, and used barriers with them, just before you and this established partner have sex (for health reasons).
What happens when something happens? A very unplanned connection?
You mean, you meet someone and fuck them almost immediately? Please use clear words, as "intimate" and "connection" are too vague. We can be specific about sex here.
I said to him, "This can happen." But he suggests, "Send a quick text saying not available for an hr."
So you'd rather jump right into sex with a virtual stranger, whereas your new partner wants so much connection, he thinks he needs to know that you're going to be away from your phone for ONE HOUR? This seems to imply you're talking
constantly. You have no time to yourself?
Yet if you can send that, why not mention, e.g., "Last minute connect Karen, will update you."
Who is "Karen"? A new person he is going to fuck? One of his regulars who just came to town and has only one hour to see him, have sex with him? Or are you Karen? I am confused. Do you mean your partner wants to tell YOU: "I am about to have spontaneous sex with 'Karen,' and will be off my phone for an hour while we are doing it"? Had you even heard of Karen before in this scenario?
I said to him, "This can happen."
What can happen?
But he suggests, "Send a quick text saying not available for an hr." Yet if you can send that, why not mention, e.g., "Last minute connect Karen, will update you"?
How soon I personally would tell an established, closely-linked partner that I am having a spontaneous date or sex with someone else, either a stranger, or another established partner who suddenly comes to town, would depend on how linked I am, how needy they are, how secure we both are about polyamory... many things to consider! There is no one answer.
You are talking about having a brand-new partner, but him having to tell you, or you having to tell him, "I want to, or just did, have sex with someone else spontaneously." Do you tell them you're about to have sex, or do you just say, "I am going to be busy for the next X amount of time," and not tell them it's for sex with someone else, or leave them guessing? Will they think it means, "Oh, she just picked up someone at a club and they're going to have anonymous sex," or, "They are about to shower, wash the floor, visit their grandma" or a million other "vanilla" things?
I guess it depends on how secure your new partner is, how much reassurance he needs, or if he's a busy guy and laid-back, and can be told just before you and he have sex again.
