Starting 2024 with a bang, and a concern...

AcreoCrimsonstar

New member
Hello everyone,

I hope you all are doing well in this cold January.

I've been in hermit mode for the whole of last year and have been trying to come out of it, and it's been proving a bit difficult.

Nevertheless, I've managed to put myself out there again, by way of Reddit. (I refuse to use dating apps because of how they are.) I've been talking to someone for the past few days and we've made a great connection. This new person really wants to meet and the feeling is very much mutual, so I've started brainstorming plans to travel.

However, this person is married, and they've both been starting their polyamory journey. Now, I've been of the mindset that I want to stay away from married people. This is because of how messy things can get. Maybe I'm pessimistic, but I also think I'm realistic. As someone who once lived in a monogamous marriage, I know how the dynamics of that relationship are, fundamentally, at its core. That being said, I've come to a crossroads.

Something happened on their end. Their spouse had a partner, and ended that relationship. I asked what happened. (I know it's not my business to pry, but it was more out of care.) They told me it was due to jealousy issues. So here's my thing-- for the whole time we've been talking, I've seen a recurring theme of jealousy. It's come up about 4 times during our conversations. As far as I know, it's only coming from their spouse.

They told me in our very first conversation, that when they both tried poly the first time, that the spouse had issues with them texting someone at "inappropriate times," and I guess it spurred some jealousy that was strong enough to cause them to be forced to sever that tie with that budding connection. And then they returned to a closed marriage. After some time, they talked things over and both decided to try poly again.

That brings us to the present, where the person I'm talking to has told me he was going to not be online for a few days, to be there for the spouse, to help heal from the breakup with their person. They've told me that the spouse is going to start a healing journey, which is good. But, I see a pattern and a cycle being repeated here, and my guard, just when it was starting to go down, is now kinda going back up. And when I say guard, I really mean of my heart.

For context, after everything I've been through, from 2012 through the end of 2022, my heart has hardened. I have no idea why, but I'm finding it difficult for me to even fall in love with people. You can chalk it up to maturity, or learned lessons, or whatever, but I haven't felt quite myself since I left the triad situation with my former partners, and had a short-lived thing with someone afterwards. 2023 was a year of forced singleness/celibacy. It was a much needed break from dating, but now I'm feeling internal resistance that I genuinely don't want.

What I feel is going to happen, is things will progress with this new person, and the spouse will have issues again, and they'll have to close off from the connection we've begun building.

So, in my finite experience, I believe I SHOULD be guarded, because logically, if I give my heart to someone who has a hierarchical relationship with a nesting partner/spouse, I HAVE to know that it could end up amounting to nothing for me.

I am brainstorming what kind of conversation I should have with my new friend, once they're able to speak to me again. And that's why I'm here, asking if anyone has any feedback on this.

I am still working on myself and my creative endeavors. I am just done with being lonely and NOT taking action to try and find people.

Idk, maybe everything will be fine. Maybe I'm overthinking and just needed to vent my thoughts here. Obviously, I'm taking things slow, and being just friends for now with all my new contacts.

Thank you to anyone who reads this. I hope the new year is treating you well.
 
I'm sorry you struggle. I hope you feel better for the vent.

FWIW, I think you answered yourself. Maybe you are putting too much on this potential relationship because you are coming out of a year of not dating.

I am still working on myself and my creative endeavors. I am just done with being lonely and NOT taking action to try and find people.

So date other people, not just this one potential who is long distance. Dating locally might be good for you.

I am brainstorming what kind of conversation I should have with my new friend, once they're able to speak to me again. And that's why I'm here, asking if anyone has any feedback on this.

For ease of writing, I'm going to say you are starting to date "Red" who is married to "Blue." I'd be happy to go with other names, if you prefer.

If you are worried about your meta Blue, and their jealousy, and how it might leak over on to (you + Red), or even how Red talks to you, I think it's fair to bring it up, if you and Red are starting to clarify expectations. You could say:

"Red, where do you see this going? I am up for ___. I am not up for ___.

What kind of personal boundaries can I expect here? How will you attend to your own wellbeing in a LDR? How will you attend to Blue, me, and any other partners in a balanced enough way?

Do you and Blue practice veto power? Do you and Blue have any other agreements that might affect me, or how our relationship can develop?

What is okay to share, and what is TMI for you? For me it is ___."

This is part of "getting to know you" and vetting people.

That brings us to the present, where Red has told me he was going to be not online for a few days, to be there for Blue to help heal from the breakup with their person.

Can't Red just do that without telling you about it?

How often do you and Red talk online that them taking a bit of a break for a few days has to be a big deal?

Red could have gone bowling, had a work project, needed to tend to their parents, the house, Blue, whatever. You don't have to know Blue broke up with someone, or got broken up with. Break-ups are a bummer, so sure, Red can comfort Blue, but what does any of that have to do with you?

Galagirl
 
Heyo. For one, I hope I didn't put off anything that was like, "Red isn't gonna talk to me for a few days. I'm freaking out!" I'm not that kind of guy. I don't care. Red took it upon themselves to text me that. The concern was what I mentioned about the jealousy on Blue's part.

Secondly, yes, I WANT to date local, but I live in a small city where there are literally no poly people. Unless they're found by happenstance. Everyone's in Dallas or Houston or Austin, etc. There's no one where I'm at. I got LUCKY with my past partners. Unfortunately, the only way I was able to find other poly people was on dating apps, which again, I refuse to use.

Thanks for your conversation ideas. They might come in handy in the future.
 
Hi AcreoCrimsonstar,

The risk you are contemplating is highly personal, it involves how much you would/will be hurt by this new partner breaking up with you (because of their jealous spouse, or for whatever other reason), and whether you think you can stand that much pain. Me, I tend to be more risk-friendly, so if I had to vote I would say go ahead and take this gamble, but I would prefer not to vote as your feelings are a lot more important (and potentially different) than mine in this instance. I guess you should trust your instincts, is what I am getting at.

I hope things work out for you here,
Kevin T.
 
Hi AcreoCrimsonstar,

The risk you are contemplating is highly personal, it involves how much you would/will be hurt by this new partner breaking up with you (because of their jealous spouse, or for whatever other reason), and whether you think you can stand that much pain. Me, I tend to be more risk-friendly, so if I had to vote I would say go ahead and take this gamble, but I would prefer not to vote as your feelings are a lot more important (and potentially different) than mine in this instance. I guess you should trust your instincts, is what I am getting at.

I hope things work out for you here,
Kevin T.
Thank you for your feedback.
 
Back
Top