Starting Out

[chilichief]

After talking about it for years, my wife (41f) and I (45m) have decided to try polyamory/ENM on our own. Not looking to add someone to our relationship, but for us to form other relationships. I've read a lot of conflicting information about married men doing polyamory/ENM, and that it's much more difficult for a married man to get started. What's the general consensus here?

I'm sure this has probably been asked several times here, but how do you meet people? My wife recommended I try an app where she's gotten plenty of likes and that it would be a good confidence booster. So far my experience has been a bit of a let down with only one person "liking" me and then deleted the message I sent her. Any advice or anything would be welcome. Lastly, just wanted to say hi to everyone here.

 

[Tinwen]

Do you have any hobbies where you meet openminded people, willing to try new stuff?
For example, in my country non-monogamy is certainly overrepreseted among science-fiction and fantasy or live-action-roleplay fans (of course not even mentioning the bdsm, swingers and tantric community, these are more straight-forward options).
Could be other hobbies/events where a lot of people meet and make new friends, and it's better if they are a bit fringe.
Pick up something new, or something you dropped a long time ago

 

[kdt26417]

Hello chilichief,

There is some inconsistency in how a married man fares in seeking (a) second polyamorous partner/s. Some men have perfectly good luck in this endeavor, but I would say most men experience a lot of frustration, as many women don't want to compete with a wife, many women don't trust that the wife is okay with the poly setup, and I suppose there are other reasons why many women reject the advances of a married man. I don't know what the solution is to this problem, I guess you just shoot for friendship at first, and eventually, a friend might evolve into something more than a friend.

There are a couple of poly-friendly dating sites I know of, namely Feeld and OKCupid. You can also look for a local poly group in your area, google "polyamory" and/or "ENM" with the name of your state and/or nearest major city. Also you can meet people at fringe events, such as indie concerts, sci-fi cons, Ren Faires, BDSM munches, things of that nature. People who do stuff off the beaten path, are more likely to have heard of poly, or at least would be open-minded about it. You can even take a class, or join a club, of something that interests you, and even if it's mainstream you can make new friends, and mention poly to them before the friendship evolves into something more. These are just some ideas.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[silver-genie]

I would recommend Plura if it's available in your city. It's both an event and dating app, geared towards ENM and kink. You can attend ENM events and match with people on the guest list (as well as around the app), and you are shown several new profiles per day.

 

[dingedheart]

Hey chilichief, welcome back.

I vaguely remember you getting poly-bombed and having a rough start with when you wife started dating. Did you close back up after a period of time, or is it now you’ve decided to also start dating? How are things in your marriage?

 

[chilichief]

Hey chilichief, welcome back.

I vaguely remember you getting poly-bombed and having a rough start with when you wife started dating. Did you close back up after a period of time, or is it now you’ve decided to now also start dating? How are things in your marriage ?

We did close up and did a LOT of work over the last several years. After all that work and going through a chronic illness and transplant we're ready to get back into things.

 

[dingedheart]

We did close up and did a LOT of work over the last several years. After all that work and going through a chronic illness and transplant we're ready to get back into things.

How long did the previous attempt last? What was the education process going into that? What were the kinds of work you did over the last few yrs that now makes you ready to try again? Have the medical challenges played a role in life being too short?

 

[chilichief]

How long did the previous attempt last? What was the education process going into that? What were the kinds of work you did over the last few yrs that now makes you ready to try again? Have the medical challenges played a role in life being too short?

The previous attempt lasted about a month. I had never agreed to anything and she went to see him anyway. Afterwards there was the realization of a lot of manipulation and bad faith on his part. The education process was her reading a couple books and being manipulated by him. I was too wrapped up in all my own negative thoughts to do anything regarding my own education about it. We did three rounds of couple's therapy over the following years, educating ourselves.

My health problems didn't factor into this decision, at least not for me. My wife had realized she's pansexual and never had the opportunity to explore that part of herself. For me, I had been in therapy working on my self-esteem and attachment issues and became curious about polyamory instead of threatened.

 

[dingedheart]

The previous attempt lasted about a month. I had never agreed to anything and she went to see him anyway. Afterwards there was the realization of a lot of manipulation and bad faith on his part.

Was that regarded as an affair at the time, or today for that matter, or more of a miscommunication?

The education process was her reading a couple books and being manipulated by him. I was too wrapped up in all my own negative thoughts to do anything regarding my own education about it. We did three rounds of couple's therapy over the following years, educating ourselves.

So the therapy was specifically designed to open or to have an open marriage?

My health problems didn't factor into this decision, at least not for me.

Some people get through some medical issues and decide life getting a little too short. Glad you’re doing better.

My wife had realized she's pansexual and never had the opportunity to explore that part of herself.

Was this realization in combination with her wanting poly the last time around, or is this something that’s come up since? And how’s it going for her meeting other women so far? Is she off and running?

For me, I had been in therapy working on my self-esteem and attachment issues and became curious about polyamory, instead of threatened.

Sounds like a lot of self discovery and hard work. I'm sure it will pay off for you in this next phase of life. Good luck.