Starting to explore if polyamory is for me

Albert Ross

Active member
I've been lurking on the forum for the last few months, and I've found people's questions and advice very helpful. Reckoned I would create an account and share in all that with you.

I'm almost 41, been in a mostly-monogamous relationship since mid-2020 with my partner, Aspen. ("Mostly" meaning, throughout our relationship I've had friendly/sexual relationships with people online, for kink reasons, with Aspen's knowledge and consent.)

In the past year or so, perhaps as NRE with Aspen has been wearing off, I've realized I don't want monogamous life-partnership in the same way that I used to, and that Aspen still does. I also realized that cohabitating with Aspen (which we'd been doing since the end of 2021) wasn't working for me, and I moved out a few weeks ago.

Aspen and I are getting used to this new arrangement, and trying to figure out if we are still compatible and want to be in relationship with each other. We're doing both individual and couples counselling and have been for many months — this is all a work in progress.

So, why polyamory? The idea that I have to strangle off my connection with someone in the service of my One True Relationship no longer works for me (if it ever did). I'm not actively seeking new relationships at the moment, but a couple of connections (one old, one new) have crossed my path in the past year, and I can't bear to just walk away from them.

I don't want to replace Aspen with one of these other people — I love Aspen, and we're great together. But I don't want romantic or sexual exclusivity with her (or, at least right now, with anyone).

Where I've ended up is, I seem to feel better when my intimate relationships are less entangled, and I'm attracted to the notion of having romantic/sexual relationships with more than one person (and not being their only person, either).

Whether this is an avoidant-attachment thing I "ought to work on", or something like the label "solo polyamorous" is just the life that would suit me... Well, guess I'll figure that out.

As I do that, I'm grateful for the community here. Hi.
 
Greetings Albert Ross,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like poly is right for you. Now it's just a question of whether Aspen can get on board. You might want to introduce her to the book, "Sex at Dawn: how we mate, why we stray, and what it means for modern relationships," by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá.

If there's anything we can do to help, let us know. Let us know if you have any questions.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Welcome, Albert Ross.

What a refreshingly wholesome introduction and approach you’ve described! I noted some kind and sensible advice you’re already dispensing in the forum. I hope your exploration and learning yield more and more potential and more and more satisfaction for you and Aspen (we need to move further down the tree alphabet for the next people you help — I’m going to get confused!!).

I wish you well, I look forward to following your journey, and I thank you for joining and participating!

SlowPoly
 
Welcome, Albert Ross.

What a refreshingly wholesome introduction and approach you’ve described! I noted some kind and sensible advice you’re already dispensing in the forum. I hope your exploration and learning yield more and more potential and more and more satisfaction for you and Aspen (we need to move further down the tree alphabet for the next people you help — I’m going to get confused!!).

I wish you well, I look forward to following your journey, and I thank you for joining and participating!

SlowPoly
Thank you for this lovely welcome! Heh, and you're right about the pseudonyms, I realized that once I made both posts... 😝

I could move further down the alphabet, or maybe use different categories in different threads — how about fish? Albacore, Bass, Coelacanth...
 
Thank you for this lovely welcome! Heh, and you're right about the pseudonyms, I realized that once I made both posts... 😝

I could move further down the alphabet, or maybe use different categories in different threads — how about fish? Albacore, Bass, Coelacanth...
Amaranth, Barley, Corn…
 
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