Staying attracted/excited

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kiki335

New member
I'm new to the poly lifestyle, my bf is also (he would just cheat on his past partners and recently decided this was a much better route- I agree!)

Anyway, I recently went away on a trip, and when I returned he told me that he hooked up with someone from the bar. He has been with her before and at that time, it was actually just cheating on me (long- complicated story lol).

I wasn't jealous, and only a little uncomfortable with the news at first, but now I am suddenly very turned off and I don't even know if I can imagine making out with him right now. We usually have a very healthy sexual relationship, (it's my preference for showing affection and connecting).

Is it normal to feel turned off? What do you do to "snap out of it"?

Thanks in advance =)
 
I think a lot depends on HOW "new" you two are to polyamory (ethical non monogamy) and what your agreements are regarding informing the other of potential additional relationships (or hook-ups) i.e. whether either or both require the other to give a heads up prior to anything happening with someone new, shortly afterwards, or at all.

As I'm relatively new and inexperienced at the poly lifestyle myself, I'm not sure if this applies to everyone across the board, however it's my understanding that it's not all that UNusual for a person feel awkward, uncomfortable, or even angry/betrayed when that "someone else" ends up being a former cheating partner of one's partner. Especially if this wasn't discussed beforehand.

Sure, ethical non monogamy is infinitely preferable to simply deciding to cheat on an established partner whenever one feels attracted to another, or becomes bored with routine and wishes to seek out novel sexual experiences. However, just make sure you're both on the same page here, and your partner is not simply using the term "poly" to minimise or excuse his past indiscretions, while continuing to hurt you by sleeping with those same people without either 1.) putting in the necessary work to regain your trust and heal the partnership, and 2.) communicate his intentions regarding potentially "messy" new sex partners to see where you stand in regards to them.

I don't blame you for feeling emotionally out of sorts about this revelation. You may want to forgive and move on, however clearly this person brings up all kinds of painful memories and reactions for you; delayed though your response might've been.
 
What agreements do the two of you have in place to deal with your other relationships? (Ignoring for the moment that a "hookup" definitely doesn't qualify as a "relationship.")

He went & fucked someone while you were out of town. Calling it "poly" doesn't MAKE it polyamory. And someone who's actually experienced in polyamory (which it doesn't sound like any of you are) is still capable of cheating the rules.

There's nothing to "snap out of" here. If he's going to fuck around behind your back, you have to decide whether you can be okay with that; telling you about it afterward doesn't make it any less "behind your back."
 
I'd be turned off if the first person my partner took up with after we agreed to practice poly is a previous cheating affair partner. Why pick THEM? I think it is normal to feel turned off.

I'm not sure you need to "snap out of it" though. It's ok to feel what you feel.

How long ago was the cheating? Maybe this helps.

http://felislunae.org/relationships-love/coming-clean/

Are previous cheating partners now on the "messy list" of people you prefer he not take up with again now that you are practicing poly together? Have you two articulated who is "messy" to each of you to the other one and why? :confused:

To me? There's enough people in the world to date without taking up with messies. For instance, I don't want spouse dating my sister or my mother. He doesn't want me dating his father or brother. Neither one of us wants to date bosses, a kid's teacher, roomie, etc. I would put any past cheating affair partners on my messy list. Because while my partner may have apologized and made amends on the cheating? They haven't.

What are your present poly agreements?

Do they cover everything they need to cover? If you just starting practicing poly, it's ok not to have everything figured out. But expect to bump into stuff along the way and then have to adjust the agreements to accommodate those realizations.

1) Maybe you are bumping into "Hey. We did not articulate this, but I want to make an agreement about previous cheating affair partners being off the table going forward in future. We need to talk about messy people lists."

2) Or "Hey. I agreed to practice polyamory with you -- where we each are trying to date other people and develop something there. I did not agree to hookups. That to me is open, not polyamory." Are you both on the same page as to what model(s) you are practicing together?

Is that what you need to feel better practicing poly with him? An agreement like the first? Or a clarification like the second? Both?

Galagirl
 
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Poly is really a lot like monogamy. It's an agreement between people about how they approach emotional, intellectual and physical intimacy. Calling the relationship 'poly' doesn't make it ok for him to hook up with someone else while you are away unless you agreed ahead of time that it was okay in either specific or general terms; given it sounds like you may have been hurt before by the same liaison, it may be that he could not reasonably expect that you would be okay with it. I'm not saying to dump the guy, but on the surface this seems like the same sort of betrayal of trust that many relationships have broken up over in the past. Cheating on an agreement is the same regardless of whether it's a mono or a poly agreement.

On the other hand, if you had agreed already that this would be okay with you and it turns out that after he hooked up with her it is not okay with you, that is okay too. Follow your thoughts and feelings. It's possible that poly is not for you or that he is not for you or both. The fact that you didn't feel jealousy suggests to me that the question is more about you and him, rather than about you and poly.
 
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Hello kiki335,

From your post, I am gathering that you would have been okay with his hookup if it hadn't been someone he had in the past cheated on you with. Let me know if I am off base.

And while you're not feeling terribly jealous, you are feeling slightly uncomfortable, and turned off towards him. Has there been a breach of trust? Like, you trusted him to not hook up with that same person, yet that's exactly what he did. I am thinking that this feeling you have won't go away quickly or easily. He has to reestablish your trust in him, and assuming he's willing to do that, he probably can only do it a little at a time.

In any case, it is not your duty to do anything with him (making out or whatever) if you are not feeling it. Let him know that you need time to recover.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
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