SenatorBinks27
Member
As was suggested to me in my introductory post thread, I am posting the full story of why I'm here and how I got here in this subforum. Hope I don't meander too much.
I have always known I could love more than one person at a time. I always had multiple simultaneous crushes. However, I was also always very sensitive and eager to not hurt anyone, and all I knew was mono-normity and swore I would never cheat.
My Dad raised me to be very sex-positive, but he had his own issues. He was in a closed V for a while and was very one-sided on who had freedom, and I knew I never wanted to be like that. I knew it wasn't fair to ask for freedom to love others but deny the same freedom in return. And as a lonely and insecure young man I didn't think I could be comfortable with a partner seeing other men as I would feel jealous and anxious of my worth (though interestingly I never had a problem with bisexual partners seeing other women one-on-one while seeing me. And while that had its own shades of ignorance and nobody ever took me up on it, I do think having that mindset helped me later).
I was extremely unlucky in love in my own area, though I had several LD flings and relationships - as someone who is neuroatypical, I found it easier to express my real self online. Then halfway through college (2008), I met "Marsh" through a Craigslist personal I posted at the height of my desperation.
"Marsh" was controlling, toxic, and verbally abusive, but she did love me sincerely and my being so lonely and starved for that affection I chalked the rest of it up to "everyday relationship foibles". She pressured me to get engaged early, though we didn't marry until four years later (2012). She was also obsessively eager to start a family, but health issues plagued that dream. She underwent a procedure in 2016 to finally take care of those issues and exactly a year later she became pregnant.
It was our last honeymoon period before an early ultrasound gave grim news: our daughter would be born with a congenital heart defect that would require several open heart surgeries in early childhood and diminished (though very much existing) chances to lead a long healthy life.
"Marsh" coped by throwing herself into her work as usual. I threw myself into my friends. One of which was fairly new to our group at the time, "Gremlin", a young woman who I had become closer to than any other friend before because we just got each other in a way nobody else had.
So Gremlin and I became closer still. I was nursing a decent crush and maybe even strayed into emotional affair territory, but I was adamant to keep physical affection innocent and platonic. But it felt nice to share who I was with someone and not be judged for it, not made to feel lesser, to be wanted for the things I was told to hide away.
I had my feelings, but I still stayed faithful. As a measure of good faith, I was even open about hanging out with Gremlin to Marsh...but Marsh flipped at me. Marsh considered a married man spending time alone with an unmarried woman cheating. I wasn't about to give up the best friend I ever had because of some archaic rule that was never discussed and I morally disagreed with. So I had to see my friend in secret, which made me feel worse.
Now, during this time, Gremlin told me she was poly, and told me anyone she was with would have to understand she was sharable. My earlier hangups came to my mind, but I started mulling it over..."what if..." Could I do it? Would it worth it?
Things came to a head with Marsh when I was in a play that dealt with emotional abuse...in uncomfortably familiar scanarios...and Marsh degraded me for growing my beard out for the role (technically the role after that, but it takes me a while to fuzz). That started the downward spiral that eventually lead to me leaving the marriage in late 2017, after our daughter's birth and first surgery.
During this time, Gremlin was my rock. She had said she had similar feelings for me but would never be "the other woman" (and I didn't want her to be either) and not to let her be a deciding factor on whether or not I leave (the potential intimacy was not, but knowing staying with Marsh would mean giving up on any contact with Gremlin was).
After I was on my own, Gremlin and I did start a brief fling. We never went all the way due to Gremlin's own issues, but we came very close. She introduced me to a lot of kink that I was never into with anyone else, and she taught me to really explore myself. I loved her more than I had loved any other partner, but for both of our emotional safety I tried to downplay it as much as I could (I'm sure she could tell though). At the same time, we were sharable. I would flirt with others, though nothing much came of it, and generally be happy knowing I had someone positive in my life and could accept more. And I finally broke out of my limitations - seeing how jealous Marsh got over little allowed me to battle my own and allow myself to be okay with a partner seeing any other partner (as long as I got my fair turn of course
)
Unfortunately, in the fall of 2018, Gremlin suddenly decided she couldn't be poly and wanted to be mono with a friend out of state I wasn't even aware of. There had been no indication this was coming, and the poor communication and lack of closure hampered our ability to stay friends. We haven't spoken in months outside of her telling me she's "not ready to talk yet" but indicating she's also not ready for me to let go entirely.
I was so depressed and nobody was around for support...except Marsh. She had been working on herself since the split, and while she's still too toxic for me to be in a relationship we were able to become good allies and co-parents for our daughter's needs. Stupidly, I accepted the support where I should not have and one thing led to another and now our second child is due in December.
Marsh and I still hook up once in a while due to just proximity from me helping with our child and the new pregnancy, but that probably won't/shouldn't last much longer for both of our mental healths. Marsh also has an infrequent FWB on my encouragement, though I doubt that she's suited for poly in the long run and, as I said, we still don't do well as a relationship.
I don't feel I am in an emotional or economic state to actively look for partners, though I am always open for new experiences offered and making new friends and seeing where it leads. I feel I need at least some minor form of friendship to feel comfortable getting physical (though it doesn't take long to form).
My current understanding leads me to believe I would be happiest with 1-3 nesting/primary partners and a mutial freedom to confer benefits on any friend we see fit - whether we exercise that freedom or not. Though as I gain more practical experience, that could very well evolve. I'm here to find a community that will help me evolve and continue to refine my understanding - and also validate that I can meet people as open to nonmonogamy as I am when people try to convince me "it could never work" or "it's a pipe dream". I've just always loved big, and I love to share my love regardless of the form it takes.
I have always known I could love more than one person at a time. I always had multiple simultaneous crushes. However, I was also always very sensitive and eager to not hurt anyone, and all I knew was mono-normity and swore I would never cheat.
My Dad raised me to be very sex-positive, but he had his own issues. He was in a closed V for a while and was very one-sided on who had freedom, and I knew I never wanted to be like that. I knew it wasn't fair to ask for freedom to love others but deny the same freedom in return. And as a lonely and insecure young man I didn't think I could be comfortable with a partner seeing other men as I would feel jealous and anxious of my worth (though interestingly I never had a problem with bisexual partners seeing other women one-on-one while seeing me. And while that had its own shades of ignorance and nobody ever took me up on it, I do think having that mindset helped me later).
I was extremely unlucky in love in my own area, though I had several LD flings and relationships - as someone who is neuroatypical, I found it easier to express my real self online. Then halfway through college (2008), I met "Marsh" through a Craigslist personal I posted at the height of my desperation.
"Marsh" was controlling, toxic, and verbally abusive, but she did love me sincerely and my being so lonely and starved for that affection I chalked the rest of it up to "everyday relationship foibles". She pressured me to get engaged early, though we didn't marry until four years later (2012). She was also obsessively eager to start a family, but health issues plagued that dream. She underwent a procedure in 2016 to finally take care of those issues and exactly a year later she became pregnant.
It was our last honeymoon period before an early ultrasound gave grim news: our daughter would be born with a congenital heart defect that would require several open heart surgeries in early childhood and diminished (though very much existing) chances to lead a long healthy life.
"Marsh" coped by throwing herself into her work as usual. I threw myself into my friends. One of which was fairly new to our group at the time, "Gremlin", a young woman who I had become closer to than any other friend before because we just got each other in a way nobody else had.
So Gremlin and I became closer still. I was nursing a decent crush and maybe even strayed into emotional affair territory, but I was adamant to keep physical affection innocent and platonic. But it felt nice to share who I was with someone and not be judged for it, not made to feel lesser, to be wanted for the things I was told to hide away.
I had my feelings, but I still stayed faithful. As a measure of good faith, I was even open about hanging out with Gremlin to Marsh...but Marsh flipped at me. Marsh considered a married man spending time alone with an unmarried woman cheating. I wasn't about to give up the best friend I ever had because of some archaic rule that was never discussed and I morally disagreed with. So I had to see my friend in secret, which made me feel worse.
Now, during this time, Gremlin told me she was poly, and told me anyone she was with would have to understand she was sharable. My earlier hangups came to my mind, but I started mulling it over..."what if..." Could I do it? Would it worth it?
Things came to a head with Marsh when I was in a play that dealt with emotional abuse...in uncomfortably familiar scanarios...and Marsh degraded me for growing my beard out for the role (technically the role after that, but it takes me a while to fuzz). That started the downward spiral that eventually lead to me leaving the marriage in late 2017, after our daughter's birth and first surgery.
During this time, Gremlin was my rock. She had said she had similar feelings for me but would never be "the other woman" (and I didn't want her to be either) and not to let her be a deciding factor on whether or not I leave (the potential intimacy was not, but knowing staying with Marsh would mean giving up on any contact with Gremlin was).
After I was on my own, Gremlin and I did start a brief fling. We never went all the way due to Gremlin's own issues, but we came very close. She introduced me to a lot of kink that I was never into with anyone else, and she taught me to really explore myself. I loved her more than I had loved any other partner, but for both of our emotional safety I tried to downplay it as much as I could (I'm sure she could tell though). At the same time, we were sharable. I would flirt with others, though nothing much came of it, and generally be happy knowing I had someone positive in my life and could accept more. And I finally broke out of my limitations - seeing how jealous Marsh got over little allowed me to battle my own and allow myself to be okay with a partner seeing any other partner (as long as I got my fair turn of course
)Unfortunately, in the fall of 2018, Gremlin suddenly decided she couldn't be poly and wanted to be mono with a friend out of state I wasn't even aware of. There had been no indication this was coming, and the poor communication and lack of closure hampered our ability to stay friends. We haven't spoken in months outside of her telling me she's "not ready to talk yet" but indicating she's also not ready for me to let go entirely.
I was so depressed and nobody was around for support...except Marsh. She had been working on herself since the split, and while she's still too toxic for me to be in a relationship we were able to become good allies and co-parents for our daughter's needs. Stupidly, I accepted the support where I should not have and one thing led to another and now our second child is due in December.
Marsh and I still hook up once in a while due to just proximity from me helping with our child and the new pregnancy, but that probably won't/shouldn't last much longer for both of our mental healths. Marsh also has an infrequent FWB on my encouragement, though I doubt that she's suited for poly in the long run and, as I said, we still don't do well as a relationship.
I don't feel I am in an emotional or economic state to actively look for partners, though I am always open for new experiences offered and making new friends and seeing where it leads. I feel I need at least some minor form of friendship to feel comfortable getting physical (though it doesn't take long to form).
My current understanding leads me to believe I would be happiest with 1-3 nesting/primary partners and a mutial freedom to confer benefits on any friend we see fit - whether we exercise that freedom or not. Though as I gain more practical experience, that could very well evolve. I'm here to find a community that will help me evolve and continue to refine my understanding - and also validate that I can meet people as open to nonmonogamy as I am when people try to convince me "it could never work" or "it's a pipe dream". I've just always loved big, and I love to share my love regardless of the form it takes.
Last edited:
