Struggle to be Stronger

[polytheparrot]

=Entry 001=

Why not start a blog here to decompress. I sometimes reflect on why I opened up to polyamory. The reason I'm open to polyamory is because it's natural.

There are concepts of soul mates, monogamy, etc. but those concepts are made to equalize the dating field. In my opinion, relationships seen in this structure are not made equal. I realize that fairness is the foundation of any relationship type. Fair does not mean equal.

Each person's experience is different and it goes at a different pace. Some never got anything and in the end got more that they can handle. Some got things too early and in the end lost it all. To me, there's a natural balance to everyting. A good balance comes from focusing on your well-being as well as the well-being from those who care about you.

 

[polytheparrot]

=Entry 002=

The more I look into polyamory, the more I encounter poly communities. There's a bunch of them to connect with, but there are some that will be more welcoming and supportive than others. It's best to find what online resources for polyamory is right to reference.

So I made an account on Reddit and see how the polyamory community is like over there. From my experience, they are not welcoming. I felt like I was in a weird echo chamber filled with super critical people. All it took is one bad post to get me attacked and it wasn't my intention to offend anyone. Not once I singled out and insulted any member on there. Apparently there's no way to express yourself honestly and respectfully. With the vitriolic comments come with downvotes. The more downvotes you have, the more negative your karma becomes. With negative karma, you're pretty much censored (your posts will be buried or not seen). Lesson learned I guess. If you don't expect any intellectual or open discussion in a respectful manner, go check out the polyamory community on Reddit. If you mimic the echo chamber, you will not be harassed.

I also made an account on Quora and see how the polyamory community is like over there. From my experience, they are more welcoming. I felt like each person has a varied view on their personal poly experience. The quality of the posts matter though, so I make sure that mine has value to share. I felt like each member is well experienced and genuine. There are some disagreements, but the discussions remain respectful. Users can upvote or downvote posts, but overall I don't see much of that. If you want to see intellectual or open discussion in a respectful manner, go check out the polyamory community on Quora. You're free to express yourself as long as you're respectful.

 

[Ariakas]

So I made an account on Reddit and see how the polyamory community is like over there. From my experience, they are not welcoming. I felt like I was in a weird echo chamber filled with super critical people. All it took is one bad post to get me attacked and it wasn't my intention to offend anyone. Not once I singled out and insulted any member on there. Apparently there's no way to express yourself honestly and respectfully. With the vitriolic comments come with downvotes. The more downvotes you have, the more negative your karma becomes. With negative karma, you're pretty much censored (your posts will be buried or not seen). Lesson learned I guess. If you don't expect any intellectual or open discussion in a respectful manner, go check out the polyamory community on Reddit. If you mimic the echo chamber, you will not be harassed.

Honestly, you just described reddit in general, an echo chamber with one-way criticality. Reddit is filled with people who love being and remaining offended.

I also made an account on Quora and see how the polyamory community is like over there. From my experience, they are more welcoming. I felt like each person has a varied view on their personal poly experience. The quality of the posts matter though, so I make sure that mine has value to share. I felt like each member is well experienced and genuine. There are some disagreements, but the discussions remain respectful. Users can upvote or downvote posts, but overall I don't see much of that. If you want to see intellectual or open discussion in a respectful manner, go check out the polyamory community on Quora. You're free to express yourself as long as you're respectful.

Interesting, I never think of Quora as a community. I thought it was just a weird Q&A site that would pop up if Google couldn't find a good answer.

Do you have a local group? That's usually the best result for finding folks aligned in both area and politics, etc.

You mentioned soul mates above, in regards to it being a mono distinction and general unfairness. Check out a concept called Anam Cara. I used to post about it here quite a bit. Seems to apply well to the world of polyamory.

 

[polytheparrot]

@Ariakas

I'm not sure if there are any local poly groups in the DFW TX area. I'll try finding some again or maybe start up my own. Preferably I would like to make connections in my local area, but starting some online is fine as well.

Anam Cara... that sounds interesting. I'll look into that concept a bit more.

 

[polytheparrot]

=Entry 003=

Sometimes writing a short entry is enough to get the point across. While writing a super specific, highly detailed entry is some people's cup of tea, it's not really me.

I think simplicity and plain text can get the point across as well as develop another discussion if some people want more context.

 

[Ariakas]

@Ariakas

I'm not sure if there are any local poly groups in the DFW TX area. I'll try finding some again or maybe start up my own. Preferably I would like to make connections in my local area, but starting some online is fine as well.

Anam Cara... that sounds interesting. I'll look into that concept a bit more.

Hmm, there used to be poly groups in DFW. Then again, the people I knew there all moved to the Vancouver region.

 

[polytheparrot]

=Entry 004=

It's been a while (roughly a month) since I made another blog entry. I did some self reflecting and I realized all the pain I've endured when I accepted polyamory with an open mind.

Maybe factors such as my race, ethnicity, personality, sexual orientation, geographic location, personal standards, and personal goals make things a bit more harder for me. For context, here are these factors:

Race = Asian
Ethnicity = Filipino
Personality = INTJ
Sexual Orientation = Hetero
Geographic Location = USA
Personal Standards = Fairness
Personal Goals = Be wealthy

I can add more to the last two factors, but I'm just giving an example. There's probably other factors I missed, but I might mention them later.

So addressing the pain I endured so far, here's my experience:

Unwelcoming people within the poly community... I sometimes think how can this community grow if there are those in the community who are not beginner friendly. Maybe I was asking questions that made them go in a 'cognitive dissonance' state and so their last bits of critical arguments are to belittle me. Wow, I certainly feel the love.

Criticism from the poly community... I don't mind criticism as long as it's constructive. If criticism is used to knock down my self-esteem, make me question my outlooks (a.k.a. gaslighting), and resort to belittling me then it's just convincing me, others looking from the outside, or those considering getting into poly to turn around and pass over polyamory. I already stated my reason why I switched over to poly, but currently I'm not feeling the love at the moment.

Criticism from outside the poly community... It's the usual routine with the non-poly people. They implied that I made it easy to get with my wife. The stardard charged question I get goes along the lines of, "Wow, so you let other guys fuck your wife?" I don't get angry or jealous from those comments. Actually I feel a higher level of empathy of what women need to watch out for when it comes to men. Sex is nice, but what comes after that? Sadly, it seems as if sex is used as a way to hunt prey than grow flowers. Oh well...

Mockery from outside the poly community... Pretty much I saw different ways of people telling me I'm stupid to be in an open relationship. Yep...

Location and cultural standards... I already know that I'm not the beauty standard of the western world. Especially in the USA, the stats show that my racial demographic is still struggling. Even that didn't deter me from switching over to poly. Currently I just feel for those who struggle with dating in general, especially the ones who are single.

So is being polyamorous worth all the pain?

Honestly I think so. Even if I can't get lucky to find the women who fit my criteria, I won't switch over to monogamy. I just know that I currently have a special person I'm married to. Currently, I'm just finding ways to improve myself and be open to other possibilities that will benefit me and those who I care about. I can put my standards way down in the dirt, but I think that'll be counterproductive...

 

[Magdlyn]

Unwelcoming people within the poly community... I sometimes think how can this community grow if there are those in the community who are not beginner friendly. Maybe I was asking questions that made them go in a 'cognitive dissonance' state and so their last bits of critical arguments are to belittle me. Wow, I certainly feel the love.

Criticism from the poly community... I don't mind criticism as long as it's constructive. If criticism is used to knock down my self-esteem, make me question my outlooks (a.k.a. gaslighting), and resort to belittling me then it's just convincing me, others looking from the outside, or those considering getting into poly to turn around and pass over polyamory. I already stated my reason why I switched over to poly, but currently I'm not feeling the love at the moment.

It sounds like you're still trying to get support at reddit. I never go there. Poly people who do go there agree it's a rough, insular, group-think kind of place, with impossible definitions of and standards for poly.

 

[polytheparrot]

It sounds like you're still trying to get support at reddit. I never go there. Poly people who do go there agree it's a rough, insular, group-think kind of place, with impossible definitions of and standards for poly.

@Magdlyn

I already deleted my reddit account and it's the last time I'm going on there. That place might be good for other communities and interests other than polyamory. Also it's not just the poly group on reddit, but other poly forums I went to in the past.

I'm just glad that other community and dating platforms are now inclusive of polyamory and ethical non-monogamy.

 

[Evie]

I look forward to the day that Facebook lets you list more than one partner. Right now, I think they'd get too much backlash.

 

[Bluebird]

The poly community on Reddit is ridiculous. I don’t go there either. At one point, someone pretended to be one of my partners to try and bad mouth me there! It was wild - especially since I didn’t see it since I never go there! When it was pointed out, it was clear to me that it wasn’t really my partner as some of the factual info posted was wrong. So yeah, I was even less likely to go there after that nonsense.

 

[polytheparrot]

=Entry 005=

Wow, I almost forgot about this blog I made a year ago. As I read through the previous entries... I still feel that once I open up to polyamory, I have a different outlook on relationships. I've been living life, improving myself, and still haven't had a chance to date other women. It's been 4 years now since I open my relationship. Not even one date during those years. I know my wife loves me and also my daughter, but I still feel there's a tick in my brain that says I'll never get a chance. I came to terms that if I never have a chance then there other things to look forward to.

I get how others get annoyed by straight poly males venting about their experiences. Isn't that natural when the stakes are mostly against the one's having a hard time? Maybe there's more benefit to polyamory if you're part of the PRIDE!! group. I see more relationships on that group compared to those who are straight and keep dating separate. I have nothing against the LGBTQ+ group, but it's sad that I encounter some rude ones who tend to be the loudest and obnoxious. Overall I met some very nice people who are LGBTQ+.

 

[polytheparrot]

=Entry 006=

I've been exploring more poly groups and so far there's a friendly one on Discord: check out The Polycade

What I like about this group is that the members are friendly and they have common interests. The age group is over 18 so don't feel like you're too old to join. The only criticism I have for this group is that it has the same problem like all Discord servers: activity. It seems like there's more lurkers than active members chatting away. That's not a big negative though, it's probably like that with other group setups.

I think making friendships are a very good start when meeting new people. It can be discouraging that it doesn't go beyond that if you're actually looking for a relationship... but each person has a preference. I'm appreciative that I'm not limited to one person. I still love my wife very much. I just see this poly lifestyle like a very difficult endgame.

I guess I can at least make friends from it.

 

[polytheparrot]

=Entry 007=

I'm taking things day by day. I really hope that next year will be different. I can only hope... it's the usual thing to hope for something better every year.

Well I certainly feel like I need to actually do something different. I usually get exhausted coming home from work. It's not just that, but I feel that working at my current job is getting in the way of my creative endeavors as well as doing more socializing. "So why not find another job that's less physically taxing"... I said to myself. Yeah, I'll do that.

If I truly want to have control over my life, I decide to stop compromising for less than I want. At this point, I think I've put myself last too many times. I'm already at a disadvantage when it comes to dating... so it shouldn't be for other things as well. I realize that I should treat my creative endeavors kind of like a job as well as socializing. If I can be exhausted doing my current job and feel like I accomplished nothing... I might as well switch it around.

It sounds pretty strange... to be exhausted pursuing my creative endeavors and socializing with more people... but this time I feel like I accomplished something meaningful.

 

[polytheparrot]

=Entry 008=

Solo poly isn’t a level playing field and we should admit that. I’ve been sitting with something lately: solo poly looks “simple” on paper, but in practice, some people have it way easier than others. The community loves to talk about communication, honesty, boundaries, and emotional intelligence as the big secret ingredients. Those things do matter. But there’s a whole layer under that no one wants to acknowledge because it’s uncomfortable.

Some people get better results simply because they’re the type others prioritize. It's not because they’re wiser or because they’re “more ethical.” It's because their demographic, their looks, their vibe, or their desirability lines up with what the local scene prefers. If you’re not in that favored slot your experience will be different, period.

Race, gender, orientation, and stereotypes absolutely shape the dynamic. People don’t like admitting this because it breaks the illusion that polyamory is automatically progressive, fair, or self-aware. But the truth? Certain genders get more grace, certain races get fetishized or ignored, and certain orientations get defaulted to as “safer” or “more desirable.” Stereotypes creep into everything, even unintentionally. That stuff changes who gets chosen first. Who gets the benefit of the doubt. Who gets prioritized in a polycule versus who floats around in the margins.

Communication skills are great, but they don’t guarantee anything. We throw around “just communicate better” like it’s some magic spell.
But there are people out here with immaculate communication skills who still hit wall after wall because they aren’t the “type” the local dating pool centers, they don’t fit the aesthetic of the poly circles they’re entering, or simply because the connections they need just aren’t present where they live.

Honestly, a lot of this comes down to chance. Right person, right moment, right environment. Some people don’t want to hear that because it removes their sense of control. But pretending otherwise just frustrates everyone who isn’t winning the demographic lottery.

Also let’s talk about the over-explainers. There’s a pattern I keep seeing. People who over-explain, talk like therapists, and constantly make everything sound like a TED talk... to me they often come across as manipulative, even if they don’t mean to. It stops feeling like connection. It starts feeling like branding. Solo poly already requires a lot of emotional clarity, but when someone leans into “let me demonstrate how enlightened I am,” it feels like they’re trying to shape your reaction rather than be a real human.

Here's the hardest truth... honesty isn’t universally rewarded. We love to preach that honesty is the holy grail. But how's it like in practice Honesty helps with the right people. With the wrong people, honesty just gives them ammunition. Some folks claim they want honesty… until it conflicts with their expectations or insecurities. It’s not that you shouldn’t be honest. It’s just that honesty alone is not a ticket to good outcomes. Context, timing, the other person’s emotional maturity matters. Most of all, chance matters. For solo poly folks, all of this hits harder. When you’re not anchored to a primary partner, you live and die by the connections you form and the ecosystem you’re in shapes those chances.

We can pretend polyamory is a meritocracy or we can acknowledge the messy reality that some people start the race closer to the finish line. Some people run with weights strapped to them and the rest of us are figuring out how to navigate a landscape that isn’t always built with us in mind.

Honesty is still good. Communication is still important. Self-work still matters. But they are not the whole story. Sometimes, it really is just the luck of the draw.

 

[polytheparrot]

=Entry 009=

Polyamory sits under some very roomy umbrellas: open relationships, ethical non-monogamy, consensual non-monogamy (pick one that makes sense to you). Those labels are meant to make space for variety, nuance, and self-determination. But lately, the umbrellas have gotten so wide they’re sheltering things that don’t actually line up with the core of polyamory at all.

When you mix polyamory with hook-up culture and kink culture, which are two scenes with completely different values and motivations, you end up with a cocktail that’s volatile enough to singe eyebrows. The result is a distorted, almost funhouse-mirror version of what polyamory actually is.

Hook-Up culture in a nutshell...

Hook-up culture is a fast, casual, and low-investment connection. It’s swipe, match, meetup, repeat. It’s built for instant gratification... short-term pleasure over long-term depth. There's nothing wrong with that when it’s consensual and honest, but it’s a far cry from the emotional stamina and relational architecture polyamory requires.

Hook-up culture isn’t designed for slow communication, intentionality, or personal accountability. It’s more about “Who looks good tonight?” than “How do we build something stable over time?” And that mismatch creates problems when people walk into polyamory expecting the same plug-and-play simplicity.

Kink culture in a nutshell...

Kink culture centers exploration, power dynamics, sensation, roleplay, and pushing personal boundaries. It’s expressive, experimental, and often deeply cathartic. But kink is not a relationship model... it’s a play model.

When kink is treated as interchangeable with polyamory, people start believing that multiple partners exist primarily for novelty, stimulation, or fulfilling fantasy roles. Polyamory becomes misinterpreted as a constant carnival of thrills instead of a thoughtful multi-partner relationship structure built on trust, emotional labor, and long-term care.

This is what happens when these cultures collide...

When these three worlds blend together — polyamory, hookup culture, and kink — suddenly everything gets confusing. People stumble in thinking polyamory is a lifestyle of limitless partners, intense sensations, and zero emotional responsibility. That’s not polyamory... its chaos with incompetent marketing.

From that confusion, you get the predictable side effects...

• Ignorance

People don’t bother to learn what polyamory actually is. They skip the readings, avoid the hard conversations, and assume “more partners = more fun.” Spoiler, polyamory without knowledge is basically a slow-motion car crash.

• Low Emotional Intelligence

Hook-up culture doesn’t teach emotional skill. Kink culture doesn’t require long-term attachment. So people show up unprepared for the emotional management, conflict resolution, self-awareness, and boundary negotiation polyamory thrives on.

It’s like trying to play chess because you’ve mastered checkers — you know the board is square, but that’s about it.

• Sensationalism Over Substance

Some people chase polyamory because it feels thrilling, rebellious, or cinematic. They want the high without the grounding. Sensation-driven choices burn hot and fizzle fast. Sensational polyamory is like a fireworks show: bright, loud, and usually ending with someone sweeping debris off the lawn.

To bring it all together...

Polyamory can exist alongside kink. Polyamory can coexist with casual dating. It can be woven into all kinds of lives. But polyamory isn’t defined by those cultures, and when the boundary lines blur too far... people start misunderstanding it entirely.

Polyamory is about relationships, not sensations. It’s about emotional maturity, not emotional shortcuts. It’s about communication, commitment, and care, not just access to more novelty. When people walk into polyamory carrying assumptions from kink or hook-up culture, they end up missing the real heart of the practice. They confuse the décor with the foundation.

If polyamory is going to be understood and respected, it needs better boundaries between these overlapping cultures. Not walls, just clarity. Because when we stop letting sensationalism overshadow substance, we give polyamory the space to be what it really is: a relationship model built on deliberate love, not accidental chaos.

 

[Magdlyn]

I like your assessment very much. I think you missed one key element. (Maybe you mentioned it upthread, I didn't reread. Or maybe you'd planned a discussion of the following for a later post. If so, I apologize.)

Polyamory is not swinging, and it does not imply group sex.

A huge amount of people coming into "polyamory" for the first time believe the way to do polyamory, the only way, is to have a "triad," usually a FMF triad, occasionally a MFM triad. It's almost always a straight male, and a bisexual female, coupled or married for at least a decade, who get bored and want to "open up" because "they have so much love to share." They are deeply bonded, often codependent, often sexually inexperienced with anyone besides each other. They insist they will only "date together," and "share" a girlfriend, "adding her to our relationship," often expecting her to move into their home ASAP.

They assume it isn't polyamory unless there is threesome sex with their new hypothetical pet, and no one-on-one sex, sometimes not even any one-on-one dates.

They haven't really researched polyamory, just fantasized about threesome sex with each other, and found it arousing.

So, they find a woman willing to date them. Sometimes the "girls" are allowed to do "harmless" girl hangouts, but the unicorn is not allowed to date the man, or have sex with the man, one-on-one. Or, the unicorn and the man often do have one-on-one sex, the long-term female partner feels left out, and horror ensues.

This is not a good way to practice polyamory. It technically is "loving multiple people," in a way, although, sadly, often the long-term female is trying to build a bond with the newer woman, and failing. The unicorn prefers the male, because, after all, she's not all that bisexual, just bi-curious. She'll allow the longer-term woman to pleasure her orally, for example, but has no desire to return the favor. The unicorn and the man become lost in their NRE for each other, while the long-term female partner feels increasingly left out, demoted, replaced.

Everything goes up in flames, eventually, after a few months. Lather, rinse, repeat. "She just wasn't the right girl." The couple tries the same thing again with a new "girl," fails again-- the definition of insanity.

 

[polytheparrot]

@Magdlyn

Yeah, it's unfortunate that poly set-up is a common script for those who are starting out. For me and my wife, we just keep things simple and date separately.

If the poly set-up is what that particular couple wants, then treat that person as a person... not a peripheral

 

[polytheparrot]

==Entry 10==

Individuality is a tricky thing in any relationship, and polyamory just turns the dial up.

One of the biggest myths people outside the poly community tend to believe is that multi-partner relationships fall apart over jealousy alone. Sure, jealousy can show up, but honestly the tougher beast is individuality. Every person brings different experiences, identities, and values to the table. When you multiply that by three or four partners, suddenly everyone is trying to navigate a solar system instead of a simple orbit.

It sounds beautiful in theory... “We’re all unique stars shining together.” Yeah, cool. But sometimes those stars crash into each other. Race, gender, sexual orientation, culture, politics, religious practice… these aren’t just checkboxes on a dating profile. They shape how we love, communicate, argue, compromise, forgive, and show up for each other. They can open doors to deeper understanding or become barriers nobody expected. A politically progressive partner and a politically conservative partner might be able to date each other just fine. Throw in a third partner with a completely different cultural background who interprets conflict through a totally different lens, and suddenly everyone’s arguing about the tone of an argument instead of the argument itself. Also take religion... one partner might need ritual and structure while another lives in a fully secular headspace. In a two-person relationship, maybe they can coexist peacefully. In a poly dynamic, the mismatch... sometimes becomes a three-way tug-of-war about holidays, family expectations can even get complicated.

A bisexual partner dating someone straight and someone queer doesn’t just get variety. They also get to juggle wildly different emotional histories and insecurities that come with each identity. So, the thing that sinks the ship is rarely some dramatic betrayal or ideological disarray. More often it’s a tiny detail, one subtle difference in worldview or communication style, that gets under the surface. Something that shouldn’t matter ends up triggering a chain reaction. One small crack, and suddenly everyone is scrambling to keep the whole structure from falling apart.

It’s aggravating... you can do the emotional work, read the books, talk it out, check in every week, and still watch a relationship wobble because of one little difference nobody expected to matter. Individuality is beautiful and it’s what brings richness to polyamory. But it’s also unpredictable, complicated, and occasionally the reason even the strongest connections snap.

 

[Magdlyn]

Hi, another great post. Makes me think.

In your analysis of "juggling" partners with different genders, identities (queer/straight), religions, politics, etc., couldn't a lot of the problems be prevented by doing parallel polyamory? There's no need for awkward conversations between legs of a V. The hinge doesn't feel obligated to not take sides, or calm anyone down, with partners who have "wildly" disparate histories, politics, religions (or lack thereof). It kind of becomes a non-issue.

Or have you done parallel poly and still had these difficulties? I haven't. But then, my serious partners are all queer, or at least, very queer-friendly, poly or poly-friendly, progressive, and on the spectrum between atheist and pagan. I could never date a right-wing, conservative Christian.

I've dated people of various races, and skin color is not a problem. There might be a culture clash. If it's too great, and affects how they date/do poly/ etc., we don't get off the ground. If it's navigable, I find it interesting and enjoy learning about their culture.

The biggest issue I've had lately is between people who swing, or used to, and people who do not swing, or never have. There's a big gulf there as far as the links between sex and love, "making love" and "sport sex," which matters a lot.